John HeardQuotes

Joe Gregory: You heard anything from Buffett?

Erin Callan: He's asking for preferred shares at 40, with a dividend of nine percent.

Dick Fuld: We were just at 66! What-the-fuck?

Joe Gregory: Maybe it's just an opening gambit, Dick.

Richard Fuld: Sounds more like a goddamn insult!

Erin Callan: Dick, we're at 36 right now. We haven't been anywhere near 66 in months. The markets like Buffett. His name will push the price up overnight.

Dick Fuld: You know, I don't care who he is. I am not spending $360 million a year for the pleasure of doing business with him.

Jack: Now. Give me the necklace, Adrienne.

Adrienne: Here... take it.

Soviet Colonel: [speaks in Russian, then switches to English] What's now?

Col. Glen Whitacre: [driver pulls over and stops car] Why are we stopping, Sergeant?

MP: [produces pistol and shoots both passengers dead] Sorry sir, just checking the map.

Col. Glen Whitacre: There hasn't been a world war in over forty years, Sergeant! You ever wonder why? Because of nuclear weapons. We want them, the Soviets want them.

Peter: What's the matter? Honey?

Kate: I have a terrible feeling.

Peter: About what?

Kate: That we didn't do something.

Peter: Oh, no, you feel that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. Believe me, we did.

Kate: Did I turn off the coffee?

Peter: No, I did.

Kate: Did you lock up?

Peter: Yeah.

Kate: Did you close the garage?

Peter: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.

Kate: No, that's not it.

Peter: What else could we be forgetting?

Kate: [after a brief long silence, she shocks and realizes that they’re actually forgetting something] KEVIN!!

Frank: There's no way on Earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.

Peter: Think positive, Frank.

Frank: You be positive. I'll be realistic.

Kate: [to Kevin] What is the matter with you?!

Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...

Uncle Frank: [cutting him off] Look what you did, you little jerk!

Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.

Kevin: Why?

Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.

Kevin: Shut up!

Peter: Kevin, upstairs!

Kate: Say good night, Kevin.

Kevin: [sarcastically] Good night, Kevin". Why do I always get treated like scum?

Kate: [to Pizza Boy] Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.

Kevin: How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?

Pizza Boy: Nice tip. Thanks a lot.

Kate: Thanks.

Harry: Having a reunion or something?

Kate: My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.

Harry: You're taking a trip to Paris?

Kate: Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.

Harry: Excellent, excellent.

Kate: If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.

Harry: Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.

Kate: [escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen] There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.

Kevin: I'm the only one getting dumped on.

Kate: You're the only one actin up. Now, get upstairs.

Kevin: I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?

Kate: Go.

Kevin: It's scary up there.

Kate: Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.

Kevin: I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!

Kate: Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

Kevin: I'm sorry.

Kate: It's too late. Get upstairs.

Kevin: Everyone in this family hates me.

Kate: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

Kevin: I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!

Kate: Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.

Kevin: I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.

Kate: [feeling hurt] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

Kevin: No, I wouldn't.

Kate: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.

Kevin: [runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door] I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Kevin: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?

Kate: [on the phone] Kevin, I'm on the phone. When do you come back? Not till then?

Kevin: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.

Kate: [on the phone] Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad. No, we're not bringing the dog, we're putting it in the kennel for the... Hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room.

Kevin: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?

Kate: This kid.

Peter: Hey, did you pick up a voltage adapter thing, by any chance?

Kate: No, I didn't have time to do that.

Peter: Then how do I shave in France?

Kate: Grow a goatee.

Kevin: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.

Peter: I've got something for you to do. Why don't you pick up those Micro-Machines that are in there? Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.

Kate: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

Peter: Didn't we talk about that?

Kevin: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I made ornaments out of fishhooks.

Peter: My new fishhooks?

Kevin: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones with dry worm guts stuck on them.

Kate: Peter.

Peter: Come on, Kevin. Out.

Paul: What is so special about Baskin?

Susan: He's a grown up.

Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.

Paul: That's not a sport.

Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.

Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.

Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.

Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.

Josh: What about car racing?

Paul: Shut up, Baskin.

Paul: Have you tried Mattel?

Susan: Yes.

Paul: Well, how about Coleco?

Susan: Yes, as well as Fisher Price and Worlds of Wonder. None of these places reported ever having a Josh Baskin on their payroll.

Paul: Well, he's got to come from somewhere. The guy just does not come into the executive offices out of the blue.

Susan: Face it Paul, the man comes from data processing.

Paul: It's a mystery.

Milk Carton: MISSING: JOSHUA BASKIN

Tom the Bartender: How about a drink? You look like you could use one.

Paul: You don't happen to have any powerful aphrodisiacs back there, do you?

Tom the Bartender: She won't put out, huh?

Paul: No, it's not for her. It's for me. I seem to have gotten myself involved with one of your cocktail waitresses.

Tom the Bartender: Miss Bee Hive 1965.

Paul: Yes. Don't even ask me how.

Tom the Bartender: So, take off. What's she gonna do? Kill herself?

Cedric: [hands it to Buzz; holds out his hand for a tip] Mr. McCallister's room service bill, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.

Buzz: [hands over the gum he has been chewing] Oh, uh, hmm.

Cedric: [deadpan, to himself] Nice family, really.

Buzz: [to himself, reading bill, smirking; in sing-song voice; Outside, Kevin is with the Pigeon Lady in Central Park] Merry Christmas, indeed. Oh, Daa-aad!

Peter: [off-screen; furiously screaming from the hotel; Kevin, startled, gasps and runs off] KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT NINE HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!

Kate: [to everyone] We're goin to New York, move it!

Buzz: Yes!

Kate: He ran away from the hotel when they questioned him about the card. He must be so scared, Peter.

Peter: I wonder if he'd know enough to go to my brother's place.

Kate: Aren't they in Paris?

Peter: Maybe they have a house sitter.

Kate: I thought you said they were renovating.

Mr. Hector: We'd like to offer you a complimentary suite while you're here. It's a penthouse with a view of the park. I think you'll find it satisfactory. It was recently vacated by the Countess of Worcestershire.

Kate: What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?

Mrs. Stone: The boy had a very convincing story.

Kate: What kind of idiots do you have working here?!

Mrs. Stone: The finest in New York.

Peter: Well, I mean, when you discovered that the credit card was stolen, what...

Mr. Hector: [proudly] I made the discovery.

Kate: Why did you let him leave?

Mr. Hector: When we attempted to confront him, he ran.

Peter: You scared him away!

Kate: It's Christmas Eve, and because of you, our child is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.

Peter: [to Cedric] Could you take our family and our luggage up to the room, please?

Cedric: Yes, sir!

Mr. Hector: Run along, Cedric.

Peter: [to Kate] I'm gonnna go down to the police station. I'm gonna make sure that they're doing everything in their power to find Kevin. I want you to stay here with Frank, Leslie and the kids.

Kate: No! I'm going out to look for him.

Peter: What?

Mr. Hector: With all due respect, madam, your son is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.

Peter: [to Mr. Hector] Could you stay out of this, please?

Mr. Hector: As you wish.

Peter: [to Kate] Thank you. I don't think it's a good idea for you to start running around all over New York City all by yourself.

Kate: I think if our son can do it, I can do it.

Peter: Kate, if...

Kate: Peter, I'll be fine. The way I'm feeling right now, no mugger or murderer would dare mess with me!

Mr. Hector: [Kate slaps him] Madam, there are hundreds of parasites out there, armed to the teeth- Do bundle up. It's awfully cold outside.

Cop: What's the child's name?

Kate: Kevin.

Peter: K-E-V-I-N.

Cop: When did you see him last?

Kate: Curbside check-in?

Peter: No, I saw him at the door. He was with us in the terminal.

Cop: Most people get separated at security checkpoints. Did everyone get through security?

Kate: I don't know. Peter...

Peter: We were in a hurry. We had to run all the way to the gate.

Cop: When did you notice he was missing?

Kate: When we picked up our baggage here.

Cop: Has the boy ever run away from home?

Peter: No.

Cop: Has he ever been in a situation where he's been on his own?

Kate: As a matter of fact, this has happened before. It's becoming a McCallister family tradition.

Peter: Funnily enough, we never lose our luggage.

Kate: He was left at home, by accident, last year.

Peter: That's what my wife meant calling it a McCallister family tradition.

Cop: We'll call Chicago and notify them of the situation. The odds are that's where he is.

Peter: Thanks.

Cop: It's very unlikely he'd be anywhere else.

Cop: Merry Christmas. No sign of him. We're gonna have to be able to get a hold of you. Do you have hotel arrangements?

Peter: Yeah.

Cop: Do you have a recent photo of the boy?

Peter: I have one in my wallet. I don't have my wallet. My wallet's in my bag. Kevin was looking into my bag at the airport. He was looking for batteries. Kevin has my wallet.

Cop: Did you have credit cards in the wallet?

Peter: Credit cards, money...

Cop: We'll notify the credit card companies immediately. If your son has the cards, we can get a location on him when and if he uses them.

Kate: No, I don't think Kevin knows how to use a credit card.

Peter: This Kevin's? Give this to Kevin.

Kate: [tries to pass it to Frank, who waves her off; she passes it to Leslie instead] Give this... Give this to Kevin.

Leslie: Give this to Kevin.

Tracy: Give this to Kevin.

Linnie: Kevin.

Buzz: Give this to Kevin.

Rod: Give this to Kevin.

Sondra: Give this to Kevin.

Megan: Give this to Kevin.

Jeff: Give this to Kevin.

Brooke: Give this to Kevin.

Fuller: [notices elderly couple standing next to him instead of Kevin; passes bag up the line] Here you go, Kevin. Kevin's not here.

Brooke: Kevin's not here.

Jeff: Kevin's not here.

Megan: Kevin's not here.

Sondra: Kevin's not here.

Rod: [passes bag to Linnie, skipping Buzz] Kevin's not here.

Linnie: Kevin's not here.

Tracy: Kevin's not here.

Leslie: [passes bag to Kate, skipping Frank] Kevin's not here.

Kate: [gives bag to Peter] Kevin's not here.

Peter: [incredulously] What?!

Kate: [laughs, but immediately gasps in shock, then screams at the top of her lungs in alarm; faints] KEVIN!!!!!!!!!

Buzz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to apologize for whatever displeasure I might've caused you.

Kevin: What?

Buzz: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Frank: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-dern hilarious.

Buzz: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate: [the whole family claps their hands and stops, waiting for Kevin to say something] Oh, Buzz, that was very nice. Kevin, do you have something to say?

Buzz: Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.

Kevin: I'm not sorry! I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me! And since he gets away with everything, I let him have it! And since you're all so stupid to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?

Kate: Kevin!

Peter: Kevin, you walk out of here, you sleep on the third floor.

Fuller: Yeah, with me.

Kevin: So what else is new?

Frank: You'd better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss! Your dad's paying good money for it!

Kevin: Oh, I wouldn't want to spoil your fun, Mr. Cheapskate!

Buzz: What a troubled young man.

Kevin: They're all a bunch of jerks.

Kate: Hi. You know, Kevin, the last time we all tried to take a trip, we had a problem that started just like this.

Kevin: Yeah, with me getting dumped on.

Kate: I don't care for your choice of words. That's not what happened last time, and it's not what's happening this time. Buzz apologized to you.

Kevin: Yeah, then he called me a trout-sniffer. He didn't mean what he said. He was just sucking up to you.

Kate: Okay, why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and the rest of the family, you can come down.

Kevin: I'm not apologizing to Buzz! I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!

Kate: Then you can stay up here for the rest of the night.

Kevin: Fine. I don't wanna be down there anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And do you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone, without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kate: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin: I hope so!

Kate: Honey, are you packed yet?

Kevin: Yes.

Kevin on Recorder: Yes.

Kate: Everything I put out?

Kevin: Yes.

Kevin on Recorder: Yes.

Kate: Did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip?

Kevin: Let me guess. Donald Duck slippers?

Kate: Close. An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.

Kevin: [sarcastically] How exciting. Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.

Kate: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?

Kevin: How can you have Christmas without a Christmas tree, Mom?

Kate: We'll find a nice fake silver one. Or decorate a palm tree.

Announcer: Guests of Ding, Dang, Dong stay at the world-renowned Plaza Hotel: New York's most exciting hotel experience. For reservations, call toll-free, 1-800-759...

Peter: Where's the camcorder battery?

Kate: I put it in the charger. How's this? Oh, much better.

Peter: Hey, Kevin, you'd better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.

Kevin: [Peter and Kate stare] My tie's in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank's taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man. Whatever that means.

Peter: [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at anything.