Kevin JamesQuotes

Paul Blart: [slaps horse's butt, then horse kicks him into a car] I don't drink. But I do ride!

Paul Blart: Always bet on Blart.

Paul Blart: [[Paul Blart: Mall Cop|6 years ago] We are trained to detect, deter, observe, and report. But one day, ], a man did more than that. And I AM THAT MAN!

Paul Blart: Not today, death! Not today!

Paul Blart: [shoots the vibrating fork like a bow-and-arrow] It looks like we've come to a fork in the road.

Paul Blart: Help someone today!

Kent: [sees Veck handcuffed; pulls out gun] Blart! Oh, very impressive; Taking down an assailant without a gun. I hope you don't mind if I use one.

Paul Blart: [Veck chuckles] What? Oh, no.

Kent: Oh, yeah.

Paul: I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands, then, huh?

Kent: Soon as I get my money.

Paul: [shows cell phone] Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.

Maya: Just give it to him, Dad.

Paul: [to Maya; to Veck; smashes cell phone] Oh, I will. SUCK ON THAT!!!

Kent: [talking to police radio] Okay. Situation update.

Police Radio: We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

Kent: [to police radio] Great. Nobody talks to em, but me.

Police Radio: Yes, sir.

Kent: [to Paul Blart; gun gets shot of his hand; He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent] You see, jackass, I don't need the phone. Cause I got all the access codes written on their arms. Now, if I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. And since everybody thinks this was a bank rob-- OW!

Howard: I got a newsflash for ya. Your flight's been cancelled.

Brooks: [looking at his notebook of comebacks] That's better than anything I got.

Hitch: You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?

Albert: I know.

Hitch: That's good!

Albert: It is?

Hitch: Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert: Yeah.

Hitch: [Gestures towards himself; Gestures towards Albert] Michelangelo. The Sistine Chapel.

Albert: Does this mean you can do this?

Hitch: My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Hitch: Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert: I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Hitch: Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert: Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.

Hitch: You... you swing for the fence!

Albert: [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

Albert: [shouts] You can't stop it... You cannot stop it...

Albert: I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

Albert: You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

Roxanne Feder: Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?

Frat Boy Milo: [mocking Roxanne; frat boys laugh, speaking in normal accent; all frat boys yell "Yeah!"] I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!

Braden Higgins: They didn't do it. Me do it.

Frat Boy Milo: Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!

Lenny Feder: Who's Z-Dog?

Frat Boy Andy: We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.

Deanne McKenzie: Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.

Frat Boy Andy: [all frat boys cheer, Andy and Milo do their handshake, but stop in the middle] Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.

Frat Boy Milo: You promise?

Frat Boy Andy: [touching Milo's cheek] I promise.

Frat Boy Milo: Okay.

Dickey Bailey: [looks at Lenny, who nods of approval, Dickey raises his beer, and takes a drink] Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.

Frat Boy Milo: [frat boys cheer, Milo turns around and bends over, and Andy slaps his butt three times] Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!

Lenny Feder: Fellas, we may be old.

Marcus Higgins: We may be smelly.

Deanne McKenzie: [she, Roxanne, and a drunk woman point at Beefcake Kitty] We may have a penis.

Eric Lamonsoff: But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.

Kurt McKenzie: [everyone starts fighting] You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!

Eric Lamonsoff: What's 7 + 9?

Bean Lamonsoff: 79!

Eric Lamonsoff: [sarcastically] Well, we're not going to have to pay for college, that's for sure!

Lenny Feder: Look at this. Beers on ice, hot ladies everywhere, this is how we used to do it.

Frat Guy: This is Kappa Eta Sigma property, so you might wanna quit pervin on our ladies and get back to your trailer homes.

Lenny Feder: Okay, easy there, Abercrombie.

Kurt McKenzie: I haven't been around this many arrogant white college kids since Eminem played Duke.

Other Frat Guy: At least we got into college, skinny Danny Glover.

Lenny Feder: Hey, fellas, that was a good handshake, we've got a good one too, it goes like this.

Kurt McKenzie: How are you doing, sir?

Eric Lamonsoff: Very good, nice to see you.