Kristen BellQuotes

Laura Newton: Thank you.

Scott: For what?

Laura Newton: For coming for me.

Scott: Ah, what the hell.

Laura Newton: Fuck it. I don't want to go home. Nobody there cares about me. I'm just a whore. I'm just a little whore.

Scott: Yeah, how'd you get like that?

Laura Newton: I was raised by wolves. I don't wanna go home.

Scott: Look, you go home some wave their hats, some turn their backs. It's all the same. None of them know where you've been.

Laura Newton: Did my father send you?

Scott: That's right.

Laura Newton: Why? Why? He wants me dead.

Scott: He sent me.

Laura Newton: One man.

Scott: One riot, one Ranger." You ever heard that?

Laura Newton: [[Leonidas I|Leonidas] ], King of Sparta... when a neighboring state would plead for military aid, would send one man.

Scott: Well, there you go.

Laura Newton: You ever hear that?

Scott: No. I think we went to different schools.

Claire: Knocking on the bathroom door, while Michelle is in the bathroom] Michelle, you gotta get out of the bathroom. I'm already late for work and Rachel's gonna be late for school.

Michelle Darnell: [inside the bathroom] Well, I'm going as fast as I can. You're welcome to come in.

Claire: [opens the door to find Michelle applying self-tanning spray] Fine, but we gotta get on the schedule if you're gonna be here. Oh, my God! Close your robe!

Michelle Darnell: No, absolutely not! I'm self-tanning and my legs are still wet.

Claire: I can see your vagina.

Michelle Darnell: [whispers] Well, congratulations and you're welcome. You know, I had it rejuvenated in 2010. They called it a vaguvenation. You know, it's like a soft silk coin purse. I can barely urinate.

Claire: [still in shock] Oh, my God.

Michelle Darnell: [turns around, bends over and lifts up her robe as Rachel comes into the bathroom] Now, do me a favor and tell me if I have any streaks on my hamstrings.

Claire: Oh, my God! Put it away!

Michelle Darnell: Huh?!

Rachel: [shows up] Whoa!

Michelle Darnell: [turns around] Hi, Racquel.

Rachel: [correcting herself] It's Rachel!

Claire: [Rachel leaves the room, as Michelle goes back to spraying her leg with self-tanning spray] Go grab your backpack, honey. We don't need to brush our teeth today. Our teeth are fine. You need to wipe some of that off your face. You know, it dries darker.

Michelle Darnell: [grabs the bottle] No. Does it?

Claire: Yes.

Michelle Darnell: [wipes her face with a bath towel] That's not what the bottle says. Oh. Oh, it's okay. It's coming off like a dream on your towel.

Claire: : Michelle, if you can't give me a raise, I can't continue to work here.

Michelle Darnell: Well, look who finally showed up to my seminar. About time, Claire, I love it. I didn't know you were listening all these years. What am I always saying?

Tito: Don't go in that room!

Michelle Darnell: True. I do say that, but I also say, you want something, you gotta take it. Claire, you just took it and you grew a pair in the process.

Claire: I'm holding your earrings?

Michelle Darnell: You're holding a pair of earrings, as in 2001, I paid $ 62,000 for it, and that's your raise now, it's a good raise and you earned it.

Claire: Thank you.

Tito: Congratulations on your balls, Claire!

Sandy: I have cancer.

Kiki: [Sandy nods] Cancer? Oh god, what kind of cancer?

Sandy: Heart. Cancer.

Kiki: Heart cancer?

Sandy: Yeah. Stage twelve. Maybe you can find it in your non-cancerous heart to be nice to me before I die.

Kiki: I'm so sorry mom, I had... I had no idea.

Sandy: I know. I know.

Kiki: Mom...

Sandy: [comforting Kiki] Aw Kiks... Oh Kiki. No, no. Kiks? Okay I don't have cancer.

Kiki: What?

Therapist: I knew it.

Sandy: But imagine if I did have cancer, how would you feel being so mean to your mother?

Kiki: I'm not trying to be mean to you, mom, I'm trying to have an honest conversation about our relationship!

Sandy: I have cancer again.

Kiki: No, it doesn't work like that!

Sarah Marshall: [As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel] What's wrong with you?

Peter Bretter: Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.

Sarah Marshall: Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...

Peter Bretter: [walks past a wedding service on the lawn] Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!

Aldous Snow: Yeah, alright, that's enough!

Sarah Marshall: What?

Aldous Snow: I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with im next door, in't ya?

Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?

Aldous Snow: You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.

Sarah Marshall: [mocking Aldous's accent] You should have seen yourself at dinner! Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Aldous Snow: That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, cause it's canceled.

Sarah Marshall: Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!

Aldous Snow: Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?

Sarah Marshall: [long pause] I hate your music.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow: [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing] Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow: [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs] Um, garcon, could we get some...

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous: [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert] No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen: [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.] Oh, good!

Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen: [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

Rachel Jansen: Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?

Peter Bretter: [smiles weakly] I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances.

Rachel Jansen: [she looks through the registrar] Oh! Wow. Bold! We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?

Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter: Wow.

Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter: [he looks around; he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ( hotel.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. People are excited that she's here.

Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen: Sir?

Peter Bretter: [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] It's totally fine. Okay, there she is. Did she see me?

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen: Yup.

Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.

Rachel Jansen: [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? Button it back up.

Sarah Marshall: Peter?

Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.

Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter: [chuckles hysterically] I came here to murder you.

Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?

Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...

Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby; slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard; holds up a black flip-flop; to Rachel] Hey there, little sex object! I've lost a shoe Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.

Aldous Snow: [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous. Good to meet you, man.

Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...

Rachel Jansen: [to Peter] I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.

Peter Bretter: You were?

Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.

Peter Bretter: Marvelous!

Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous!

Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow: [he and Sarah walk away; to Sarah] I like your shirt. It's colorful. Bye, ta-ta! I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

Peter Bretter: [to Rachel] Bye, now. Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

Rachel Jansen: [hands him a key] Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!

Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.

Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...

Rachel Jansen: Jansen.

Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...

Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!

Sarah Marshall: I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.

Peter Bretter: [stands up] Who's the dude? Who's the dude?

Sarah Marshall: [stands up] What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else.

Peter Bretter: I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.

Sarah Marshall: No.

Peter Bretter: [Sarah hesitates; he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly] Please hold me. Please.

Sarah Marshall: [Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock; she walks out in tears] There's someone else. I'm sorry.

Sarah Marshall: Peter... as you know, I love you very much...

Peter Bretter: [horrified; drops his towel and covers his face] Are you breaking up with me?

Sarah Marshall: Pete? Are you, um...?

Peter Bretter: [turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself] I just need a minute.

Sarah Marshall: Okay?

Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on?!

Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!

Amy: Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.

Gwendolyn: Keep going. You’re doing great.

Amy: I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.

Kiki: Why did we make her do this?!

Carla: I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!

Amy: Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy bitch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.

Amy: I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is fucking impossible.

Amy: So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?

Kiki: She’s doing great!

Carla: I know I never doubted her.

Amy: I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the fucking bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.

Woman #1: My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!

Amy: Yes! We all do that sometimes.

Woman #2: I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!

Carla: What's your number?

Woman #3: I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.

Woman #4: I can't tell my twins apart!

Woman #5: I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.

Woman #6: I drink margaritas for breakfast.

Woman #7: I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

Carla: Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

Woman #9: I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

Carla: Wait, really? Yeah, you do!

Woman #10: I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

Kiki: Aw.

Amy: Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no fucking clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.

Carla: This is about standing up to the bitch that hurt your little girl! Now, are you gonna sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

Kiki: Don't do it, Amy.

Carla: [[12 Years a Slave (film)|12 Years a Slave] Fuck that! Fuck it! You are gonna rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say, "You can do what you want to me, I don't care, throw it at me, but you fucked with my daughter, and now I have to fight you. I will fight you in the playground. I will fight you in the cafeteria. I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's. But I will have justice for my little girl, because I am a fucking mom. And we protect our young." So get up off this couch, turn off ], and let's bodyslam this bitch.

Kiki: Come on, Amy.

Carla: Come on. Get those tits up.

Kiki: Get em up.

Carla: Get em up.

Kiki: Get your boobs up.

Carla: Get those tits right up.

Amy: All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.

Carla: First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

Kiki: True that!

Carla: You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.

Amy: Most moms do that, Carla.

Carla: That's most moms, yeah. Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do. You've quit trying. We don't quit! Moms don't quit!

Kiki: No! Quitting is for dads!

Carla: Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us, us moms, we have to just... We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm. And do you know why?

Kiki: Because we have low self-esteem.

Carla: No. No, no. It's because we love our kids. It's because we love our stupid, selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces! That's why. We love em so much that we would do... Literally anything for them.

Amy: This party is raging.

Kiki: What a turnout.

Martha Stewart: Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?

Amy: Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.

Kiki: Thank you. Oh, my God.

Martha Stewart: Good, right?

Carla: I'm cumming.

Kiki: Oh, my God. What's in this?

Martha Stewart: Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.

Kiki: They're delicious!

Martha Stewart: I start my day with six of these.

Kiki: Kent is a never-hard.

Amy: Ooh, what's a never-hard?

Kiki: Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.

Carla: That sounds horrible!

Amy: Yeah...

Kiki: Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.

Carla: Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

Kiki: I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

Amy: Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

Kiki: Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there! It's like finding a gun in the street. Just scream and get outta there!

Carla: No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.

Amy: Really?

Carla: Oh, they're always so nice to you, because they know their dicks are gross.

Carla: Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!

Kiki: Ooh.

Carla: There's so much surface area. You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.

Amy: This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.

Carla: [laughs] Shut up!

Amy: Don't laugh.

Carla: Wait, are you serious?

Amy: Yes!

Carla: Oh, honey. Amy. Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.

Amy: Is it that bad?

Carla: Yeah, there's just one boob-log.

Kiki: Yeah.

Carla: You don't even have two tits.

Amy: I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?

Carla: No!

Kiki: No!

Amy: Oh, wow.

Kiki: This bra will be the death of your vagina.

Amy: I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman, and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.

Carla: Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?

Amy: [laughs] No. Here's the truth. Our marriage has been over for years. I don't even remember the last time we had sex.

Kiki: Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods.

Kiki: [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck] I find ]'s work to be extremely erotic.

Carla: I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.

Amy: Do you know what I hate?

Carla: Mmm?

Amy: There are so many fuckin rules now.

Kiki: Yes, God.

Amy: Don't punish your kids.

Kiki: Don't say no to your kids.

Carla: Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games." "Tell your kids you love em." "Don't fuck the janitor at your kid's school." I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?

Amy: We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it's making us insane. In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom. Screw it.

Carla: Yeah.

Amy: Let's be bad moms.

Carla: Oh, I'm in.

Amy: Right?

Kiki: Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!

Amy: Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!

Carla: To bad moms!

Kiki: Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?

Carla, Amy: No.

Carla: You're batshit crazy.

Amy: Yeah.

Carla: And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

Nikki: What the hell is that waitress doing here? I want that bitch out.

Sean: And what did she ever do to you?

Nikki: She said I looked like a drag queen!

Sean: Well, that can't be the first time that's happened before.

Nikki: [annoyed] Didn't your mama ever tell you it's not polite to stare?

Ali: You-You're just so damn beautiful, I...

Nikki: Well in that case, screw your mama and stare away.

Ali: No one would ever know.

Nikki: Know what?

Ali: That you're a dude.

Nikki: I will not be upstaged by some slut with mutant lungs.