Macaulay CulkinQuotes

Mary: I need to tell you guys something.

Hilary Faye: Eew.

Veronica: Eew.

Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.

Henry Evans: You really thought I was going to jump, huh? I guess you don't know me very well, Mom.

Henry Evans: Hey, Mark. Don't fuck with me.

Henry Evans: No fair? What do you think this is, a game?

Henry Evans: You like my sister, don't you? Such a sweet little girl...it'd be too bad if something were to happen to her... like she got hurt... you'd be sad, wouldn't you, Mark? But hey, accidents can happen...just ask my mom about Richard.

Henry Evans: I promise you something amazing... something you'll never forget. Are you in?

Henry Evans: [taunting Mark as he's hanging, about to fall] If I let you go... do you think you could fly?

Richie Rich: Okay; if any of you guys wanna turn back, just speak up and I'll understand.

Gloria: Hey, would you turn back if you were us? We're with you, Richie.

Pee-Wee: Hey, man, just checking out your crib here.

Richie Rich: My crib?

Herbert Cadbury: [[idiom] I believe that's street slang for home, sir: an ].

Omar: Who you callin an idiom?

Richie Rich: Come on. Let me hit.

Gloria: Forget it; you probably couldn't even hit a BEACH BALL!

Richie: I could hit it off of YOU.

Gloria: [''insulted''; [money] All right, you think you're so hot? Put your ] where your mouth is!

Richie: You mean bet?

Tony: Yeah, $5 says she could put you away for keeps.

Gloria: $5? How about $10?

Richie: Okay, seems a little steep, but $10,000 it is.

Gloria: No, not $10,000. $10.

Richie: Oh, $10, okay.

Herbert Cadbury: Master Richie, I do think it unseemly in the extreme for you to take these - children's money.

Gloria: What are you doing, Mr. Fancy Pants? Asking the old guy for batting tips?

Cadbury: [''insulted''] Take their backsides to the cleaners, Master Richie.

Richard Sr.: Perk up, son. It won't be long before you're having tea and crumpets with the queen!

Richie Rich: [''forces a smile''] Personally, I'd settle for soda and hot dogs at Wrigley Field.

Richard Sr.: [''chuckles''] So would I...But don't quote me on that one.

Richie Rich: Mr. Van Dough, you're fired!

Harry: Merry Christmas, little fella- we know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

Marv: Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santa Claus and his elf.

Harry: We're not gonna hurt you.

Marv: No, no. We got some nice presents for you.

Harry: [Kevin shoots Harry in the groin; Harry falls to his knees as he mumbles under his breath] Be a good little fella now and open the door. Owww!

Marv: What? What? What? What? What happened?

Harry: Get that little----!

Kevin: [shoots Marv in the head; Marv screams in pain] Hello. Yes! Yes!

Marv: That little jerk is armed!

Harry: [Harry gets his hand burnt, screams in agony and then puts his hand in the snow] That's it! That's it! I'm going in the front! You go down the basement! That smart aleck. Oh, boy. That's it, you little... You little... No, not this time, you little brat. You little creep, where are you?

Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Harry: [Harry gets his head blowtorched; He runs out, and puts his head in the snow; kicks the door open] I'll rip his head off! You're dead, kid. Ahhhhhh! Where are you, you little creep?!

Marv: Harry, I'm coming in!

Kevin: Oh, no! I'm very scared!

Harry: [to Kevin] It's too late for you, kid! We're already in the house! We're gonna get you!

Kevin: Okay, come and get me!

Harry: Why, you...! Now you're dead!

Marv: [climbs in through the window and steps barefoot on the ornaments; screams in pain] I'm gonna kill that kid!

Harry: Marv.

Marv: Harry?

Harry: Why the hell'd you take your shoes off?!

Marv: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

Kevin: [they slip on the toy cars] I'm up here, you butt heads! Come and get me! You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?

Harry: [Marv gets whacked by a paint can] Heads up! Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for you.

Marv: [Harry gets whacked by a paint can] Harry!

Kevin: Yes!

Marv: He's only a kid, Harry. We can take him.

Harry: Ah, shut up, will you? What is it?

Marv: Ooh, you're missing some teeth.

Harry: Where? Where? It's my gold tooth. My gold tooth. I'll kill him. I'll kill him! You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!

Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?

Kevin: [disguising his voice] Help, my house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name is Murphy.

Harry: [trips over the wire] You never know what's up there. There he is!

Marv: [jumps over the wire and grabs Kevin by the ankle as he tries to run into the attic; screams as a tarantula is on his face] I gotcha! I got him, Harry. I got him. Harry, get up! Give me a hand! I got him! Harry, help me! Get up! I got him.

Harry: What are you doing, Marv?

Marv: Harry, don't move.

Harry: Marv?

Marv: Don't... move.

Harry: [screams in agony from Marv hitting him with the crowbar to try and kill the tarantula] Marv, what are you doing? Marv...

Marv: Did I get him? Did I get him? Where is it? Where is it?

Harry: [whacks Marv with the crowbar repeatedly] Never mind did you get it! How do you like it, huh?! You jerk! Get that kid! Go on! Get that kid! Where'd he go?

Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.

Kevin: Down here, you big horse's butt! Come and get me before I call the police!

Marv: Let's get him!

Harry: Wait, wait. That's just what he wants us to do- us to go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up.

Marv: He's gonna call the cops!

Harry: From a treehouse?! Come on.

Marv: Out the window?

Harry: Yeah.

Marv: I'm not going out the window.

Harry: Why, you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? Come on, get out here. Come on. Come on! Keep going. Keep going.

Marv: Let's go back, Harry.

Harry: Shut up. Shut it, Marv!

Kevin: Hey, guys! Check this out.

Harry: Go back! Go back. There he goes! There he is! Get out of the way, you dope!

Marv: There he is!

Kevin: Hey, I'm calling the cops.

Harry: Wait, wait, wait, wait. He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on. Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. Get over here!

Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?!

Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us. I'm gonna burn his head with his blowtorch.

Marv: Then we can smash his face with an iron!

Harry: I'd like to slap him right in the face with a paint can, maybe!

Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!

Harry: [Old Man Marley knocks them both down with a shovel] The first thing I'm gonna do is bite off every one of those little fingers, one at a time.

Old Man Marley: [to Kevin] Come on, let's get you home.

Kevin: Wow, this is great.

Officer 1: Nice move. Always leavin the water running. Now we know each and every house that you guys have hit.

Officer 2: Yeah, you know, we've been looking for you two guys for a long time.

Marv: Yeah, well, remember, we're the Wet Bandits. Wet Bandits. That's W-E-T--

Harry: Oh, shut up! Shut up! Get in the car! Hands off the head, pal!

Officer 1: Come on!

Marley: Merry Christmas.

Kevin: Huh?

Marley: [Kevin nods] May I sit down? That's my granddaughter up there. The little red-haired girl. She's about your age. You know her?

Kevin: No.

Marley: You live next to me, don't you?

Kevin: Yeah.

Marley: You can say hello when you see me. There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. Okay? You been a good boy this year?

Kevin: I think so.

Marley: You swear to it?

Kevin: No.

Marley: I had a feeling. Well, this is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself.

Kevin: It is?

Marley: I think so.

Kevin: Are you feeling bad about yourself?

Marley: No.

Kevin: I've been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year. I'm kind of upset about it because I really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don't. Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that?

Marley: I think so. How you feel about your family's a complicated thing.

Kevin: Especially with an older brother.

Marley: Deep down, you always love em. But you can forget that you love em. And you can hurt them and they can hurt you. And that's not just because you're young. You wanna know the real reason I'm here right now?

Kevin: Sure.

Marley: I came to hear my granddaughter sing. And I can't hear her tonight.

Kevin: You have plans?

Marley: No. I'm not welcome.

Kevin: At church?

Marley: You're always welcome at church. I'm not welcome with my son. Years back, before you and your family moved on the block, I had an argument with my son.

Kevin: How old is he?

Marley: He's grown up. We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since.

Kevin: If you miss him, why don't you call him?

Marley: I'm afraid if I call him he won't talk to me.

Kevin: How do you know?

Marley: I don't. I'm just afraid he won't talk to me.

Kevin: No offense, but, aren't you a little old to be afraid?

Marley: You can be a little old for a lot of things. You're never too old to be afraid.

Kevin: That's true. I was afraid of our basement. It's dark. There's weird stuff down there, and it smells funny. That sort of thing. It's bothered me for years.

Marley: Basements are like that.

Kevin: I made myself go down to do some laundry... and I found out it's not so bad. I worried about it, but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal.

Marley: What's your point?

Kevin: My point is, you should call your son.

Marley: What if he won't talk to me?

Kevin: At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it. You won't have to be afraid anymore. No matter how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad, especially around the holidays.

Marley: I don't know.

Kevin: Just give it a shot. For your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you. And the presents.

Marley: I send her a check.

Kevin: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a Big Bird knitted on it.

Marley: Oh, that's nice.

Kevin: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. I have a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

Marley: You better run home where you belong. Think about what I said, all right?

Kevin: Okay.

Marley: It's nice talking to you.

Kevin: Nice talking to you. What about you?

Marley: Me?

Kevin: Yeah, you and your son.

Marley: We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas.

Kevin: Merry Christmas.

Kevin: Excuse me.

Santa's Elf: Yeah?

Kevin: Hey, nice shoes.

Santa's Elf: Oh, thanks.

Kevin: Is he still here? It's really important that I see him.

Santa's Elf: He's getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him.

Santa: Damn! How low can you go! Giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

Kevin: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Santa: If you make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for.

Kevin: I know that you're not the real Santa Claus.

Santa: What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity.

Kevin: I'm old enough to know how it works.

Santa: All right.

Kevin: But I also know you work for him. And I'd like you to give him a message.

Santa: Shoot.

Kevin: My name is Kevin McCallister, and my address is 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number?

Santa: No, that's all right.

Kevin: This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Kate, Peter, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank, okay?

Santa: Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Kevin: Thanks.

Santa: Wait. Hold on a second. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.

Kevin: That's okay.

Santa: [pours out a few mint Tic-Tacs into Kevin's glove] No, no, no, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has gotta get something. Here, hold out your little paw there. There you go. Don't spoil your dinner.

Kevin: I won't. Thanks.

Santa: SON OF A!!!

Johnny: Who is it?

Delivery man: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get outta here.

Delivery man: [puts the pizza on the doorstep] Okay. Um, well, what about the money?

Johnny: What money?

Delivery man: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.

Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

Delivery man: Uh, that'll be $11.80, sir.

Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Delivery man: Cheapskate.

Johnny: Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yellow, no good keister off of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10!

Kevin: [picks up the pizza, breaths in and exhales] A lovely cheese pizza just for me.

Johnny: Who is it?

Snakes: [walks in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.

Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell outta here.

Snakes: All right, Johnny. But what about my money?

Johnny: What money?

Snakes: Acey said you had some dough for me.

Johnny: That a fact? How much do I owe you?

Snakes: Acey said 10 percent.

Johnny: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

Snakes: What do you mean?

Johnny: He's upstairs, takin a bath.

Kevin: [calling out] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

Johnny: [takes out his Tommy Gun] He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yellow, no good keisteroff of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead.

Snakes: [about to leave] All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going.

Johnny: 1, 2, 10!

Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Kevin: [after a pause] MOM!!

Kevin: [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before] I made my family disappear!

Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless.

Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompétents.

Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

Jeff: Kevin, you are such a disease!

Kate: There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Frank: Look what you did, you little jerk!

Kevin: [smiles, to himself] I made my family disappear.

Kate: [to Kevin] What is the matter with you?!

Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...

Uncle Frank: [cutting him off] Look what you did, you little jerk!

Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.

Kevin: Why?

Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.

Kevin: Shut up!

Peter: Kevin, upstairs!

Kate: Say good night, Kevin.

Kevin: [sarcastically] Good night, Kevin". Why do I always get treated like scum?

Kate: [to Pizza Boy] Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.

Kevin: How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?

Pizza Boy: Nice tip. Thanks a lot.

Kate: Thanks.

Harry: Having a reunion or something?

Kate: My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.

Harry: You're taking a trip to Paris?

Kate: Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.

Harry: Excellent, excellent.

Kate: If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.

Harry: Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.

Kate: [escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen] There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.

Kevin: I'm the only one getting dumped on.

Kate: You're the only one actin up. Now, get upstairs.

Kevin: I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?

Kate: Go.

Kevin: It's scary up there.

Kate: Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.

Kevin: I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!

Kate: Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

Kevin: I'm sorry.

Kate: It's too late. Get upstairs.

Kevin: Everyone in this family hates me.

Kate: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

Kevin: I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!

Kate: Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.

Kevin: I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.

Kate: [feeling hurt] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

Kevin: No, I wouldn't.

Kate: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.

Kevin: [runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door] I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Kevin: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!

Jeff: Tough.

Kevin: That's what Megan said.

Megan: What did I say?

Jeff: You told Kevin "Tough".

Megan: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

Kevin: I'm not an idiot!

Megan: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.

Jeff: She's right, Kev.

Kevin: Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!

Linnie: Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

Jeff: Shut up, Linnie.

Kevin: You know what I should pack?

Jeff: Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.

Linnie: Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

Kevin: What?

Jeff: [throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet] Bombs away!

Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.

Kevin: [jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

Rod: [taps on the spider's tank] Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

Buzz: He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?

Rod: Some don't.

Buzz: But they got nude beaches.

Rod: Not in the winter.

Kevin: Buzz?

Buzz: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

Kevin: Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass! Check it out. Old man Marley.

Rod: Who's he?

Buzz: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?

Rod: No.

Buzz: That's him. Back in 58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.

Rod: If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?

Buzz: Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.

Rod: What's he doing now?

Buzz: He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.

Rod: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

Buzz: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.

Kevin: [whispering] Mummies!

Buzz: [as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains] Yeow! Look out!

Kevin: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?

Kate: [on the phone] Kevin, I'm on the phone. When do you come back? Not till then?

Kevin: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.

Kate: [on the phone] Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad. No, we're not bringing the dog, we're putting it in the kennel for the... Hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room.

Kevin: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?

Kate: This kid.

Peter: Hey, did you pick up a voltage adapter thing, by any chance?

Kate: No, I didn't have time to do that.

Peter: Then how do I shave in France?

Kate: Grow a goatee.

Kevin: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.

Peter: I've got something for you to do. Why don't you pick up those Micro-Machines that are in there? Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.

Kate: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

Peter: Didn't we talk about that?

Kevin: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I made ornaments out of fishhooks.

Peter: My new fishhooks?

Kevin: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones with dry worm guts stuck on them.

Kate: Peter.

Peter: Come on, Kevin. Out.

Richard Tyler: [on seeing the Pagemaster again] Hey! How did you get here?!

Fantasy: [through her teeth] Quit it! We're in the presence of the Pagemaster!

Richard Tyler: I know who he is. He's the one who did THIS to me! Do you have any idea what I've been through?!

Pagemaster: Tell me.

Richard Tyler: I was nearly torn apart by a crazy doctor! I was made a slave by a bunch of mangy pirates! And eaten! Got that?! Eaten! By a fire-breathing dragon!

Horror: He don't mean it, my Pagemaster. He don't mean it.

Richard Tyler: And not to mention being tossed, squashed, and scared practically to death!

Pagemaster: Yet you stand before me.

Richard Tyler: Well, yeah.

Pagemaster: Think, boy! What kind of an adventure would you have had if I brought you here with the turn of a page?

Dr. Jekyll: [morphs into Captain Ahab] You prevailed over evil.

Captain Ahab: [morphs into Long John Silver] Ah, you looked Moby Dick in the eye, boy.

Long John Silver: Ah, you had pirate stuff, me lad! And don't no one speak any different.

Pagemaster: [hologram morphs into the Dragon] If I hadn't brought you here from the start, you would never have found the courage to face your own fears. And in doing so, you triumph here...and always.

Richard Tyler: Hey, that's...That's me!

Pagemaster: That was you.

Richard Tyler: Where's Horror? Wasn't he with you?

Adventure: He was, but he...I mean, I sort of...uh..he, uh....

Fantasy: [angrily] Ohh, what did you say to him now?!

Adventure: Well, I-I...I just...uh, I'll go find him.

Fantasy: Yeah, you better go find him. And be quick about it!

Horror: [singing] Sixteen men on a dead man's stomach.

Fantasy: No, no! Chest! Chest!

Horror: [singing] Oh, uh, chest. Chest. Ah, hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha, ha! Yo, ho, ho! And a bottle of rum!

Richard Tyler: Aah! Aaaaaah...!

Tom Morgan: Evil spirits!

Horror: [jumping off the tree with a vine; knocks the pirates down, then landed on the ground] Hee, hee! SANCTUARY! Huh!

Richard Tyler: Horror, you are alive!

Tom Morgan: [using the gun with Horror] Not for long! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!

Horror: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Horror: So, do I think I'm scaring it? He shouldn't swim right after eating you know, he'll get cramps.

Adventure: Where did he go?

Richard Tyler: Aah!

Adventure: Row! Row for your lives!

Richard Tyler: [sees Moby Dick] AAH!!!!

Adventure: Abandon Ship-!

Richard Tyler, Horror, Fantasy, Adventure: [bites off the boat] Waa-hooooooh!

Richard Tyler: [screams; falls down to the water and crashed; coughs in water] AAH-!!! Guys! Where are you?!

Richard Tyler: Are we yet in the library?

Adventure: Aye, lad. The horror section.

Richard Tyler: It looks pretty eerie.

Adventure: [doesn't sound too sure] That it does, mate. Just stick close to me and you've had nothing to worry about.

Richard Tyler: There it is! The exit!

Adventure: Looks like the only road to reach the exit is through that far house.

Richard Tyler: [swallows hard] No way I'm going in there.

Adventure: It's your only chance, boy. It's only a house.

Richard Tyler: Yes, but seventeen percent of all incidents are household related.

Adventure: C'mon down, ya dog-eared scalawag!

Fantasy: [with that said, she flies up after the little book] Oh, put that fact away. You're frightening him. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Horror: I know why you shrieked. It's because I'm horrible. I frightened you!

Fantasy: Do I look afraid?

Horror: You mean you're not afraid?

Fantasy: Of course not. C'mon down.

Fantasy: You mustn't judge a book by its cover.

Adventure: [tired of waiting; takes a step closer to the haunted house] Alright. Teatime's over. Let's start navigating this house.

Horror: [jumps out of Richard's arms] No! Don't go in there! It's eerie inside!

Adventure: Ha! I ain't a-feared of nothing!

Horror: I'm afraid.

Richard Tyler: [Horror begins to list his fears one by one on his crooked, triple-jointed fingers] Of what? I know how you feel.

Horror: Horror always has sad endings.

Fantasy: I come from a world of happy endings. Why don't you come with us?

Horror: Th-Through the house? I don't know...

Fantasy: You can do it.

Crow: Nevermore!

Richard Tyler: He-hello? Is anybody home?

Dr. Jekyll: May I assist you in some way?

Fantasy: Hello, Mr.-

Dr. Jekyll: Doctor. Doctor Jekyll.

Richard: Well, sir, we did ring the bell.....

Horror: It's all my fault. I was trying to help them find their road to the other side of the house.

Dr. Jekyll: [Richard nods. Dr. Jekyll places his arm around Richard and leads him deeper into the house] The other side? My boy, I derive no pleasure in warning you that you are in extreme danger.

Richard: Danger?

Dr. Jekyll: Even as we speak, lurking in this room waiting to strike are forces of evil.

Dr. Jekyll: Every man has possessed of both good and evil. But enough of that. Anyone care for a drink?

Fantasy: Dr. Jekyll? Dr. J?

Mr. Hyde: My name...is Mr. Hyde!

Adventure: The stairs, mateys! The stairs!

Horror: [trapped in the chandelier] Help, Master! Don't leave me! That's no way to treat a library book. Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Fantasy: You have to help Him.

Richard: What's going on?

Horror: Ghost Stories.

Adventure: I heard that! And I would let you know, I'm a Classic!

Fantasy: Mm-hmm, a classic misprint.

Adventure: [slips off; falls to the ground] Why, you old sea serpent! I'll rip out your pages, and use them for-! OH NO! MAN OVERBOARD!

Richard Tyler: [really freaking out] Do something!

Fantasy: [gives you a blast of wand, then Adventure falls and crashed down] Hmm... Oops. Ha, ha, I forgot my wand doesn't always work outside of the fantasy section.

Richard Tyler: You mean you can't wish us to the exit?

Fantasy: [to Richard, angrily] What are you doing, grabbing me like that and messing up my pantyhose? Hmph! Now I gotta straight out my Little Mermaid underwear.

Richard Tyler: [putting his glasses back on] Wh-Who are you?

Fantasy: [gruff; starts over; sweet] I'm Fantasy! Oh! Ahem. I'm Fantasy.

Mr. Dewey: Welcome to the library, young man. Don't tell me, you're here for a special book.

Richard Tyler: Uh, Mister...

Mr. Dewey: [starts speaking magically] Stop, stop stop, let me guess. I have a talent for guessing what people need. You're in need of... a fantasy. Brave knights, mythical faeries, ferocious dragons.

Richard Tyler: Look, all I want is...

Mr. Dewey: [grabbing him and speaking excitedly] Adventure! Of course, you're a boy who loves adventure, brimming with wicked demons, cutthroat pirates.

Richard Tyler: No, no. That's not it.

Mr. Dewey: [speaking scarily while creeping toward him; back to normal voice] Horror. Ahh, horror. Evil demons, wretched monsters, haunted houses, graveya-a-rds. Yes, it's horror for you, boy. I'm sure of it. Your library card, please.

Richard Tyler: Uh, I don't have one.

Mr. Dewey: [makes a library card appear magically] You do now.

Richard Tyler: Can't argue with statistics, Dad.

Alan Tyler: Statistics. Here's something you can do: go down to Gutman's Hardware Store, buy a pound of these.

Richard Tyler: But, Dad...

Alan Tyler: [with a five-dollar-bill; gives money to Richard] Son, you can't live your life based on statistics. You've gotta take some chances. Now come on, Buddy. You can do this.

Richard Tyler: [leaving his parents behind; to himself] This is not good. Definitely not good.

Richard Tyler: [renewed catchphrase in confidence] Good. That was definitely good.

Richard Tyler: I was nearly torn apart by a crazy doctor, made into a slave by a bunch of mangy pirates, and eaten- got that? -eaten by a fire-breathing dragon!

Richard Tyler: (to the Dragon before being swallowed and overcoming fear of being eaten) I’m not scared of you!

Richard Tyler: I lost my library card. I can't check anybody out. We'll never get to the exit now.

Richard Tyler: Thanks, but I have already a family. I really should be getting home now.

Richard Tyler: You guys are the only friends I've ever had.

Richard Tyler: Dad, 8% of all household accidents involve ladders, another 3% involve trees. We're looking at another 30% probability here.

Richard Tyler: [repeated line in fear and doubt] This is not good. Definitely not good.

Michael Alig: Come to my party. You can be my boyfriend.

Michael Alig: ..Not that it's your movie. You think it's yours. But it's really mine. All mine.

Michael Alig: That's Skrink la do, to you.

Michael Alig: Oh James, I'm getting away with murder and you're just jealous.

Michael Alig: You're just some lame-ass, Johnny-come-lately, fairy, faggot, copycat! You don't even know your skrink from your skrod! You stupid logger blogger!

Michael Alig: That's not a crack hole, that's a rat hole. Rats on crack attack!

Michael Alig: But it's my birthday and I want a bloodfeast!

Michael Alig: I won't do crack without heroin!

Michael Alig: Oh please, party in the truck!

Michael Alig: The road of excess leads to the palace of... fabulousness!

Michael Alig: We'll put James in a cage and hang a sign over it that says, "Do not feed the drug child!

Michael Alig: You'll love me. I promise.

Michael Alig: I wanted to create my own world. A world full of color where everyone could play. One big party that never ends.

Michael Alig: Typical James, tired old drug addict. Can't even stay awake for your own movie!

Marv: Harry? You wearing aftershave?

Harry: That's not aftershave, that's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.

Marv: Now, why would anybody soak a rope in kerosene?

Kevin: [lights a match, Harry and Marv look at him; sets the rope on fire] Merry Christmas.

Harry: [Marv screams in horror] GO UP!

Marv: Over there!

Harry: I don't care if I get the electric chair, I'm killin that kid! Surrender, kid!

Marv: He vanished.

Kevin: I'm down here, you big horses ass!

Marv: Whoa!

Kevin: Nice night for a neck injury.

Marv: [?] Suck brick, kid! No!

Harry: You better say every prayer you ever heard before, kid!

Marv: I hope your parents got ya a tombstone for Christmas! Where'd he go?!

Kevin: I'm up here, and I'm very scared.

Marv: Where'd he go?!

Kevin: [on the roof; takes a picture of them] I'm up here! Come and get me!

Marv: Let's kill!

Harry: Hold on, pea-brain. We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.

Marv: This ain't like the last time. This ain't his house. The kid's runnin scared. He ain't got a plan.

Harry: [Marv gestures "go ahead"; calls up to Kevin] May I do the thinking, please? Thank you. Sonny!

Kevin: Yes?

Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knockin off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Understand?

Kevin: Mmm-hmm.

Harry: But since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal wit'cha. You throw down your camera, and we won't hurt ya. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?

Kevin: You promise?

Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin: Okay!

Harry: [he and Marv snicker; Kevin throws a brick, hitting Marv on the forehead] Okay, kid. Give it to me!

Marv: [falls down] Oh!

Kevin: Direct hit!

Harry: Come to Papa!

Marv: [grabs Kevin's plane ticket] Ha! Round trip to Miami. What's the matter, get on the wrong plane, squirt?

Harry: [tears it up] Looks like you won't be needin this, kid.

Marv: [they hustle him away] American don't fly to the promised land, little buddy.

Harry: Come on. We spent nine months in jail, thinking we had the worst luck in the universe. We were wrong, little buddy.

Marv: [Harry chuckles] We busted out of the clink and we're doing fine. We're gonna be doing even better, because we're not robbing houses anymore. Now we're robbing toy stores.

Marv: At midnight tonight, we're hitting Duncan's Toy Chest. Five floors of cash. Then after that, we get a couple of phony passports, then it's off to Rio...

Harry: Marv! Marv!

Marv: Huh?

Harry: You want to shut up?

Marv: What's the difference? He's not gonna talk to anybody. Except maybe a fish. Or the undertaker.

Harry: [to Kevin] Let's just get him to the subway tunnel. I'll feel a lot better once we get him on ice. I've got a gun in my pocket. You open your mouth, and you'll be spitting gum out through your forehead.

Marv: [trying to be suave again; she punches him in the face and he falls over] Well, hello.

Kevin: [indicating Harry] He did it!

Harry: [she punches Harry, too] Did what?

Kevin: Thanks!

Harry: Go get him!

Marv: He went in the park.

Harry: What are you doing, flirting?!

Marv: Over there!

Boy: Don't!

Girl: Give it!

Marv: Hey, Harry. I got him.

Harry: Let me see! That ain't him! Put him down, that ain't him! We should've shot him while we had the chance. I hate pulling a job, knowing that little creep is on the loose.

Marv: What else can he do? He's a kid. Kids are helpless.

Harry: Not this kid.

Marv: But this time he doesn't have a house full of dangerous goodies to get us with. He's in the park. He's all alone. Kids are scared of the park.

Harry: Yeah, grown men come in the park and don't ever leave alive. Good luck, little fella.

Kevin: You gotta help me! There's two guys after me!

Mr. Hector: What's the matter? Store wouldn't take your... stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.

Harry: Get up! Get up! Come on, let's go get him!

Mr. Hector: Get back here, you little thief! Stop that child!

Cedric: [he screams as he and Mr. Hector crash into Mrs. Stone and fall over] Grab him!

Mr. Hector: You little sh...

Kevin: I've committed credit card fraud.

Mr. Hector: Get me security! We've got to stop that delinquent! Come along, Cedric!

Kevin: I've had enough of this vacation. I'm goin home.

Johnny: Hold it right there!

Mr. Hector: This is the Concierge, sir.

Johnny: I knew it was you. I could smell ya gettin off the elevator! You was here last night too, wasn't ya?

Mr. Hector: Yes, sir. I was.

Johnny: You was here...and you was smoochin wit my brother.

Mr. Hector: But...I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.

Johnny: Don't gimme that. You been smoochin wit everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff...

Cliff: No. It's a lie!

Johnny: I could go on forever, baby!

Mr. Hector: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. We're looking for a young man.

Johnny: [reveals his [[w:Thompson submachine gun|Tommy gun; Mr. Hector gives a confused look] Alright. I believe ya. . But my Tommy gun don't! Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

Mr. Hector: [the entire staff gets down on their knees] On your knees. I love you!

Johnny: Ya gotta do better than that!

Staff: [in unison] I love you!

Johnny: [Johnny opens fire wildly, cackling, as the hotel staff dive for cover; while Kevin mouths him from the emergency exit; shoots again; shoots once more] Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe ya. That's why I'm gonna let ya go. I'm gonna give ya til the count of 3 to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door! 1... 2...! 3! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! And a Happy New Year.

Cedric: [[Herbert Hoover] You know, ] once stayed on this floor.

Kevin: [[w:The Hoover Company|vacuum] The ] guy?

Cedric: No, the, uh, president.

Kevin: Excuse me, where's the lobby?

Donald Trump: Down the hall and to the left.

Kevin: Thank you.

Kevin: Dad, wait up!

Kate: Where's Kevin?

Kevin: [He grabs the ticket.] Fourteen. It's a good thing I have my own ticket, just in case you guys try to ditch me.

Buzz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to apologize for whatever displeasure I might've caused you.

Kevin: What?

Buzz: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Frank: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-dern hilarious.

Buzz: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate: [the whole family claps their hands and stops, waiting for Kevin to say something] Oh, Buzz, that was very nice. Kevin, do you have something to say?

Buzz: Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.

Kevin: I'm not sorry! I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me! And since he gets away with everything, I let him have it! And since you're all so stupid to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?

Kate: Kevin!

Peter: Kevin, you walk out of here, you sleep on the third floor.

Fuller: Yeah, with me.

Kevin: So what else is new?

Frank: You'd better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss! Your dad's paying good money for it!

Kevin: Oh, I wouldn't want to spoil your fun, Mr. Cheapskate!

Buzz: What a troubled young man.

Kevin: They're all a bunch of jerks.

Kate: Hi. You know, Kevin, the last time we all tried to take a trip, we had a problem that started just like this.

Kevin: Yeah, with me getting dumped on.

Kate: I don't care for your choice of words. That's not what happened last time, and it's not what's happening this time. Buzz apologized to you.

Kevin: Yeah, then he called me a trout-sniffer. He didn't mean what he said. He was just sucking up to you.

Kate: Okay, why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and the rest of the family, you can come down.

Kevin: I'm not apologizing to Buzz! I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!

Kate: Then you can stay up here for the rest of the night.

Kevin: Fine. I don't wanna be down there anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And do you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone, without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kate: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin: I hope so!

Kate: Honey, are you packed yet?

Kevin: Yes.

Kevin on Recorder: Yes.

Kate: Everything I put out?

Kevin: Yes.

Kevin on Recorder: Yes.

Kate: Did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip?

Kevin: Let me guess. Donald Duck slippers?

Kate: Close. An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.

Kevin: [sarcastically] How exciting. Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.

Kate: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?

Kevin: How can you have Christmas without a Christmas tree, Mom?

Kate: We'll find a nice fake silver one. Or decorate a palm tree.

Announcer: Guests of Ding, Dang, Dong stay at the world-renowned Plaza Hotel: New York's most exciting hotel experience. For reservations, call toll-free, 1-800-759...

Peter: Where's the camcorder battery?

Kate: I put it in the charger. How's this? Oh, much better.

Peter: Hey, Kevin, you'd better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.

Kevin: [Peter and Kate stare] My tie's in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank's taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man. Whatever that means.

Peter: [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at anything.