Memorable Quotes from Michael C. Maronna
5 quotesFamily Dynamics in a Crisis Situation
Kevin
I made my family disappear!
[has a flashback to what his family told him the night before]
Megan
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
Linnie
You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompétents.
Buzz
Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff
Kevin, you are such a disease!
Kate
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Kevin
I made my family disappear.
[smiles, to himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenging Societal Expectations of Relationships
Jeff Davis
We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Conflict Over Pizza Dispute
Kate
What is the matter with you?!
[to Kevin]
Kevin
He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...
Uncle Frank
Look what you did, you little jerk!
[cutting him off]
Kate
Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin
Why?
Jeff
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin
Shut up!
Peter
Kevin, upstairs!
Kate
Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin
Good night, Kevin". Why do I always get treated like scum?
[sarcastically]
Kate
Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
[to Pizza Boy]
Kevin
How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?
Pizza Boy
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Kate
Thanks.
Harry
Having a reunion or something?
Kate
My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.
Harry
You're taking a trip to Paris?
Kate
Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Harry
Excellent, excellent.
Kate
If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Harry
Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.
Kate
There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.
[escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen]
Kevin
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
Kate
You're the only one actin up. Now, get upstairs.
Kevin
I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?
Kate
Go.
Kevin
It's scary up there.
Kate
Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
Kevin
I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!
Kate
Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.
Kevin
I'm sorry.
Kate
It's too late. Get upstairs.
Kevin
Everyone in this family hates me.
Kate
Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin
I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!
Kate
Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin
I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.
Kate
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
[feeling hurt]
Kevin
No, I wouldn't.
Kate
Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
Kevin
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!
[runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles with Packing a Suitcase
Kevin
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Jeff
Tough.
Kevin
That's what Megan said.
Megan
What did I say?
Jeff
You told Kevin "Tough".
Megan
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Kevin
I'm not an idiot!
Megan
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
Jeff
She's right, Kev.
Kevin
Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!
Linnie
Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff
Shut up, Linnie.
Kevin
You know what I should pack?
Jeff
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie
Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
Kevin
What?
Jeff
Bombs away!
[throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet]
Linnie
P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
Kevin
This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
[jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him]
Rod
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
[taps on the spider's tank]
Buzz
He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod
Some don't.
Buzz
But they got nude beaches.
Rod
Not in the winter.
Kevin
Buzz?
Buzz
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Kevin
Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass! Check it out. Old man Marley.
Rod
Who's he?
Buzz
You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod
No.
Buzz
That's him. Back in 58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod
If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Buzz
Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.
Rod
What's he doing now?
Buzz
He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.
Rod
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
Buzz
No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
Kevin
Mummies!
[whispering]
Buzz
Yeow! Look out!
[as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Repetitive Request for Kevin's Item
Peter
This Kevin's? Give this to Kevin.
Kate
Give this... Give this to Kevin.
[tries to pass it to Frank, who waves her off; she passes it to Leslie instead]
Leslie
Give this to Kevin.
Tracy
Give this to Kevin.
Linnie
Kevin.
Buzz
Give this to Kevin.
Rod
Give this to Kevin.
Sondra
Give this to Kevin.
Megan
Give this to Kevin.
Jeff
Give this to Kevin.
Brooke
Give this to Kevin.
Fuller
Here you go, Kevin. Kevin's not here.
[notices elderly couple standing next to him instead of Kevin; passes bag up the line]
Brooke
Kevin's not here.
Jeff
Kevin's not here.
Megan
Kevin's not here.
Sondra
Kevin's not here.
Rod
Kevin's not here.
[passes bag to Linnie, skipping Buzz]
Linnie
Kevin's not here.
Tracy
Kevin's not here.
Leslie
Kevin's not here.
[passes bag to Kate, skipping Frank]
Kate
Kevin's not here.
[gives bag to Peter]
Peter
What?!
[incredulously]
Kate
KEVIN!!!!!!!!!
[laughs, but immediately gasps in shock, then screams at the top of her lungs in alarm; faints]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.