Memorable Quotes from Michael Cera
38 quotesMisunderstood Intentions in Teenage Relationships
Gym Teacher
Seth, get off the field!
Evan
Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.
Seth
Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... in and around her mouth.
[Catches breath]
Evan
Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Seth
Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan
You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.
Seth
No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Living in the Moment
Norah
Are you sad that we missed it?
Nick
We didn't miss it. This is it. C'mon. You wanna go home?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Parent's Lifestyle Choices
Nick
Your dad owns this place?
[entering Electric Lady studios]
Nick
Is he this man?
[pointing to picture]
Norah
Yeah.
Nick
Wow! So, what is he? Like, a former hippie, current yuppie, spoon-feeding the masses the same old garbage? Stop me at any time.
Norah
Yes.
Nick
Yeah.
Norah
Yes! I'm gonna use that in my graduation speech. That's, like, amazing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Health Class Lessons on Physical Reactions
Becca
I'm so wet right now.
Evan
Yeah...they said that would happen in health class.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dark Side of Poker Motivation
Player X
You know, I don't like playing poker.
Molly Bloom
Why do you play?
Player X
I like destroying lives.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters in Urban Spaces
Homeless Man
What's up, friend? How you doing?
Nick
Good. I was just gonna go in...
Homeless Man
You walked right in here.
Nick
I didn't mean to.
Homeless Man
You're like a little canary in skinny jeans.
Nick
I was gonna go in to look for my friend.
Homeless Man
You got friends right here. Me and Switzerland are here for you, baby. Let me ask you a question. You ever hook up with a dog?
Nick
No. What? Like an an... A dog, like a pet? No.
Homeless Man
Don't. It's not worth it. I like you so much.
[trying to hug Nick]
Nick
I'm running away. I'm running.
Homeless Man
Run away. Run away, little canary.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Preferences in Familiar Places
Thom
Would someone mind telling me where we're going?
Norah
You know how some people like to eat at the same places?
Nick
Yeah.
Norah
Well Caroline likes to barf in the same places.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Appearance Before a Date
Evan
Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
Seth
No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since Nam!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Struggles of Being Straight
Nick
You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on Band Composition
Nick
Well, you're two penises short of a ] reimagination band!
[[Shania Twain]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discovery of Wheels and Imagination
Zed
What are these big, round things for?
[''pointing to wheels'']
Cain
They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.
Oh
I feel like a bird!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings Between Two Strangers
Norah
Are you crazy?!?
Nick
I don't know what I did to you to make you so angry.
Norah
Nothing! You're just... you're ridiculous.
Nick
You don't even know me.
Norah
I know you, I know your make.
Nick
My make?
Norah
You're an emo punk bandboy and you're obsessed with Tris. They could make action figures out of you - drummer not included.
Nick
It's funny that Tris never mentioned you considering what good friends you are, but she did mention some frigid jealous JAP who was completely jealous of her and who was a complete bitch.
Norah
Oh, jealous?!?
Nick
Yeah, and so now I think I know exactly who she was referring to.
Norah
Let's dance, douchebag!
Nick
OK, sweetheart, you think you have something...
Norah
I AM NOT JEALOUS!!
Random Guy
No man, she's not jealous.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Jealousy and Awkward Conversations
Seth
I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
[about Evan's mom]
Evan
Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in a Cooking Class Dynamic
Seth
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher
I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here.
[His partner is tying on his apron]
Seth
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's BS. ...Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook ]. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin break! ...I'm sorry for cursing.
[[W:tiramisu|tiramisu]
Teacher
Alright, Jules partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth
Jules? Alright, I'll give it another shot—give home-ec another shot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Planning a Wild Night at the Party
Seth
You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
Evan
I should buy Becca alcohol?
Seth
Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship Dynamics in a Quest for Attention
Nick
You two must be great friends.
Norah
Yeah, I am a great friend. It's always been like this. I'm the squire in Caroline's quest for attention.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Choice and Perspective on Virginity
Oh
I'm a virgin by choice.
Zed
Ha! Not *your* choice!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Memories in Unwashed Pants
Nick
I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Finding Wholeness in Brokenness
Norah
It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I really like. It's called ]. It says that, um, the world's been broken into pieces and it's everybody's job to find them and put them back together again.
[[w:Tikkun olam|Tikkun olam]
Nick
Well, maybe we're the pieces. Maybe we're not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing Online Content and Expectations
Evan
You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.
[talking about porn sites]
Seth
Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.
Evan
Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth
Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Evan
No.
Seth
Not for me.
[shakes his head]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friends Share Excitement Over a Secret Plan
Fogell
Yo, guys! What's up?
Evan
Fogell, where have you been, man?
Seth
You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell
No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!
Evan
Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin?
[examining the fake ID]
Fogell
Yeah.
Evan
McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell
No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth
And you landed on McLovin?
Fogell
Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.
Seth
Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell
Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once!
Evan
Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?
Fogell
Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?
Seth
No! That's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell
Fuck you!
Seth
Give me that. Alright, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!
Evan
What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?
Seth
Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell
Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, alright?
Evan
Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's...it's a fine ID. It'll...it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
Fogell
I am McLovin!
[grinning]
Seth
No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb motherfucking fairy tale name, you fuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Favorite Song and Personal Connection
Nick
So what is your favorite song?
Norah
Well my favorite verse was "The way you're moving in your sleep, the way you look before you leap. The strange illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing.
Nick
I wrote that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questions About Life and Knowledge
Zed
I might know everything. Ask me something!
Oh
Where does the sun go at night?
Zed
Pass. Next question.
Oh
Where do babies come from?
Zed
Pass. Next question.
Oh
There's a snake on my foot.
[''noticing a snake'']
Zed
In the form of a question!
Oh
There's a snake on my foot?
[''scared'']
Zed
Correct!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Gender Dynamics and Identity in Barbie
Guy at the Beach
Give us a smile, blondie.
Allan
Allans have been in the real word before, no one's noticed! ]? They're all Allans! Even that one!
[[w:NSYNC|NSYNC]
Aaron Dinkins
I'm a man with no power, does that make me a woman?
Sasha
Men hate women and women hate women. It's the one thing we can all agree on.
Kenmaid (Portrayed by John Cena)
Hi, Barbie!
Ruth Handler
We ] stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they’ve come.
[[mothers]
Writer Barbie
Wait. I did write a book. It’s like I’ve been in a dream, where I was somehow really invested in the ] cut of ]. But what you said broke me out of it.
[[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder; [Justice League (film)|Justice League]
President Barbie
That's because they're Dreamhouses, mother...
[bleep]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Memories of Past Relationships and Attraction
Seth
You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?
Evan
Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?
Seth
Yeah.
Evan
I guess so, but she was insanely hot.
Seth
Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!
Evan
How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.
Seth
Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.
Evan
You're like ].
[smirks; [W:Orson Welles|Orson Welles]
Seth
Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenges of Teenage Masculinity
Evan
Look at those nipples.
Seth
They're like little baby toes.
Evan
It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
Seth
You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Misunderstanding in Ritual Context
High Priest
Rub me with oil..
Oh
With my hands?
high priest
No, with your nutsack, of course with your hands.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Priorities in Risky Situations
Evan
Do you want to get killed for liquor?
Seth
No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange on Trust and Friendship
Zed
You could be my right-hand man.
Oh
I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship Tensions and Misunderstandings
Seth
You fucking prick!
Evan
What?
Seth
You bailed on me.
Evan
I didn't bail on you.
Seth
Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!
Evan
You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!
Seth
You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!
Evan
The fu— It finally comes out. That's good, man.
[scoffs]
Seth
We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH!
Evan
You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!
Seth
How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—
Evan
How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.
Seth
Fuck, man!
Evan
So what the fuck do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!
Seth
What are you saying?
[in shock]
Evan
I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin!
Seth
Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?
Evan
I like her!
Seth
Who gives a fuck? She's a fucking girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?
Evan
Fuck you, man! You're a piece of shit.
Seth
Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a fucking man!
[punches Evan]
Evan
Don't touch me.
Seth
Fuck you!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Mortality Through Music and Art
Scott Pilgrim
We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Missing Ingredients in Salad
Oh
Well, there won't be any berries in the fruit salad now. So we all lose.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Compliments Between Friends
Becca
You have such a smooth cock!
Evan
Yours would be too...if you were a man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion About Relationships and Intentions
Nick
I just feel like she's messing with me.
Thom
Who are you talking about?
Nick
Right now, Norah. No, Tris. Tris.
Thom
You just haven't figured it out yet, have you.
Nick
What?
Thom
The big picture!
Nick
I guess not.
Thom
].
[[The Beatles]
Nick
What about them?
Thom
This. Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
[grabs Nick's hand]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Confession About First Kisses
Norah
I also have a confession.
Nick
What?
Norah
Before Tal, I never really... kissed anyone until tonight.
Nick
Really?
Norah
Yeah. Unless you count Becca Weiner at camp when I was 13.
Nick
I do! I do count Becca Weiner!
Norah
You do?
Nick
I don't know who wouldn't. You'd have to be a fool not to count her. How long were you guys together?
[Pause]
Norah
Three campfire-y nights. Oh, me and Tal. I knew that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Allan Introduces Himself Amidst Frustration
Allan
TURN THIS SONG OFF, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!
[appeared in the backseat of the Barbie car, out of nowhere]
Sasha
Who are you?
Allan
I'm Allan.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dynamics of High-Stakes Poker Games
Molly Bloom
I’d overheard stories about games that folded after one bad night and I needed this one to keep going and I needed to bring value to it. I knew if I wanted to cement my place there was one guy I needed to team up with and that was this man. The game had regulars and the game had guests and four of the regulars were famous actors and I’m going to call one of them Player X. Player X subscribed to the belief that money won was twice as good as money earned. He lived to beat people and take their money. Here’s Player X talking one of the guests into folding the winning hand.
[voice-over]
Player X
I swear on my--look at me--I swear on my mother’s life--I have you.
Molly Bloom
Player X was the best player at the table and tonight this guy was the worst. He’s staring at his cards - even a reasonably good amateur would know it was mathematically the best hand, which in poker is called the nuts. There was forty seven thousand dollars in the pot and the guest was holding the nuts but he was starting to get confused because a movie star was talking to him.
Player X
My mother’s life man, I’m not messing with you.
Guest
Why would you be telling me?
Player X
Either I am messing with you or you’re new to the game, you’ve had bad cards all night, you should’ve folded after the flop and I don’t want to win more of your money this way. I’ve got queens under here. Take your time.
Guest
Fold.
Player X
Fuck you!
Molly Bloom
A fish is a particular kind of player. A fish has money. A fish plays loose and doesn’t fold a lot. A fish is good but not too good. The Viper Room may have belonged to Reardon but the game belonged to Player X. People wanted to say they played with him the same way they wanted to say they rode on Air Force One. My job security was gonna depend on bringing him his fish. But where would I find people with a lot of money who didn’t know how to spend it and liked to be around celebrities?
[voice-over]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship and Loyalty in Relationships
Norah
What did you see in her? I could floss with that girl.
[about Tris]
Nick
This is your friend that we're talking about?
Norah
OK, so I'm the bad guy now, is that what we're doing, I'm the bad guy?
Nick
If you really wanna know, she actually supported our music and our band when nobody else did, not that it's any of your business.
Norah
OK, forget it, I can't do this.
Nick
Do what?
Norah
Just make a U-turn and take me back to Ludlow, alright. I'll find my own way...
Nick
Perfect.
Norah
...Because I refuse to be the goody bag in your pity party, NICK.
Nick
You don't have to yell, it's not a train station... it's a tiny car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.