Memorable Quotes from Nick Offerman
14 quotesAdapting to Trends in the Restaurant Business
Mac McDonald
So, we moved the restaurant, we're setting up shop, but now we wanna do a few tweaks, because now it's 1940 and drive-ins are all the rage. I mean, they're the hottest thing going, and I say, "Dick, we gotta get in on this," and Dick says...
Dick McDonald
Okay.
Mac McDonald
And two months later, we opened for business: McDonald's Famous BBQ. 27-item menu, uniformed waitresses, bring your food right to the car, and it goes gangbusters. We're going "great guns!" But then, sales started to level off.
Dick McDonald
The drive-in model, as we've learned, has a few built-in problems.
Ray Kroc
Tell me about it.
Dick McDonald
I mean, for starters, there's the customer issue. Drive-ins tend to attract, shall we say, a less-than-desirable clientele.
Mac McDonald
Teenagers.
Dick McDonald
Hot-rodders and hooligans. Juvenile delinquents in blue jeans. And then, there's the service. It takes forever and a day for your food to arrive, and when it finally does...
Ray Kroc
It's usually wrong.
Dick McDonald
Yeah, the carhops are too busy dodging gropes to remember that you wanted strawberry phosphate, not cherry.
Ray Kroc
Well, that's a thing to remember at all.
Mac McDonald
And then, there's the expenses. The huge payroll due to the large staff required, dishes being constantly broken or stolen.
Dick McDonald
Tremendous overhead.
Mac McDonald
So, one day, Dick has a realization. He sees that the bulk of our sales are in only three items: Hamburgers, french fries, and soft drinks.
Dick McDonald
87%.
Mac McDonald
So, we say to ourselves, let's focus on what sells. And that's exactly what we do. Brisket, gone. Tamales, gone. But, we don't stop there. We look at everything. What else don't we need?
Dick McDonald
Turns out, quite a lot.
Mac McDonald and Dick McDonald
Carhops?
Dick McDonald
Walk up to a window, get your food yourself.
Mac McDonald
Dishes?
Dick McDonald
All-paper packaging, disposable.
Mac McDonald
Cigarette machines, jukeboxes.
Dick McDonald
Drive out the riff-raff.
Ray Kroc
Creating a family-friendly environment.
Mac McDonald
But that's not enough.
Ray Kroc
Alright.
Mac McDonald
See, our whole lives, we'd piggy-backed off other people's ideas. We wanted something that wasn't just different, it had to be better. It needed to be ours, and that's what brings us to the biggest cut of all.
Ray Kroc
Which was?
Mac McDonald
The wait.
Dick McDonald
Orders ready in 30 seconds, not 30 minutes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reviving Outdated Ideas in Modern Policing
Deputy Chief Hardy
We're receiving a canceled undercover police program from the 80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Relocation of Operations to 22 Jump Street
Deputy Chief Hardy
The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Familiar Strategies Lead to Satisfied Outcomes
Deputy Chief Hardy
Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy.
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Authority and Control in Business Relationships
Ray Kroc
Let me explain something to you, Dick... You boys have full say over what goes on inside the restaurants. But outside, above, below... your authority stops at the door. And at the floor. All right?
Mac McDonald
What is he saying?
Dick McDonald
He's buying the land.
Mac McDonald
Our land?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Assessing Character: Bluster vs. Capability
Dick McDonald
A hothead like that, you don't know what he's capable of.
Mac McDonald
It's all bluster, Dick. His bark is worse than his bite.
Dick McDonald
That's what ] said.
[[Neville Chamberlain]
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Misunderstanding Legal Rights in Conversation
Jenko
Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...
[is asked if he knows the Miranda rights]
Schmidt
You have the right to an attorney.
[whispers]
Jenko
You have the right to remain... an attorney.
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chasing Dreams in Uncertain Times
Mac McDonald
Well, we were young and hungry. There wasn't a job to be had in all of New Hampshire, so we decided to pack our bags and head west, to Hollywood. I wanted to be in the movie business, and Dick, well, he wanted to be...
[telling Kroc the story behind starting McDonald's]
Dick McDonald
Employed.
Mac McDonald
So, we landed jobs at Columbia Pictures, driving trucks.
Ray Kroc
Huh.
Mac McDonald
And after a few years, we've had enough saved to buy our own little piece of show business-a beautiful little movie theatre in Glendora, which would've been swell-except for the timing: it was September of 29.
Ray Kroc
Oooh.
[cringes]
Mac McDonald
One minute, we're screening The Gold Diggers of Broadway, and the next it's "Brother, can you spare a dime?
Dick McDonald
I couldn't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Desperate Plea for Survival
Joel
Wait! Wait! I need a quote!
President
Don't let... don't let them kill me.
Joel
Yeah, that will do.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reporting Instructions at Jump Street
Jenko
Where do we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy
Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.
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Struggles Over Control and Profit in Business
Mac McDonald
Dick. We will never beat him. We will never be rid of him.
Mac McDonald
This is not your company, Ray!
Dick McDonald
Ray, we have no interest in a milkshake that contains NO MILK.
Harry J. Sonneborn
Mr. Kroc, if you're not making money hand over fist, something's terribly wrong.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Question About Their Initial Meeting
Dick McDonald
I just have to ask you one thing. Something I've never understood.
Ray Kroc
All right.
Dick McDonald
That day we met, when we gave you the tour...
Ray Kroc
Uh-huh. What about it?
Dick McDonald
We showed you everything. The whole system, all our secrets. We were an open book. So why didn't you just-
Ray Kroc
Steal it? Just, grab your ideas and run off start my own business using all those ideas of yours. It- it would have failed.
Dick McDonald
How do you know?
Ray Kroc
Am I the only one who got the kitchen tour? You must have invited lots of people back there, huh?
Dick McDonald
And?
Ray Kroc
How many of them succeeded?
Dick McDonald
Lots of people started restaurants.
Ray Kroc
As big as McDonald's?
Dick McDonald
Of course not.
Ray Kroc
No one ever has and no one ever will because they all lacked that one thing, that makes McDonald's special.
Dick McDonald
Which is?
Ray Kroc
Even you don't know what it is.
Dick McDonald
Enlighten me.
Ray Kroc
It's not just the system, Dick. It's the name. That glorious name, "McDonald's". It could be... anything you want it to be. It's limitless, it's wide open. It sounds, uh... it sounds like... it sounds like America. That's compared to Kroc. "What a crock. What a load of crock". Would you eat at a place named Kroc's? Kroc's has that blunt, Slavic sound. "Kroc's". But McDonald's, oh boy. That's a beauty. Yeah... a guy named McDonald? He's never gonna get pushed around in life.
Dick McDonald
That's clearly not the case.
[scoffs]
Ray Kroc
So, you don't have a check for 1.35 million dollars in your pocket? Bye, Dick.
Dick McDonald
So if you can't beat'em, buy'em.
Ray Kroc
I remember the first time I saw that name stretched across your stand out there. It was love at first sight. I knew right then and there... I had to have it. And now I do.
Dick McDonald
You don't have it.
Ray Kroc
You sure about that? Bye, Dick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding the Miranda Rights
Deputy Chief Hardy
Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko
It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Profit Motivations and Business Disagreements
Ray Kroc
Look, if you don't wanna make a profit, that's fine. But don't stop the rest of us.
Dick McDonald
Us?
Ray Kroc
Us, as in everyone but you.
Dick McDonald
Who did you send them to?
Ray Kroc
Everyone but you.
Dick McDonald
You have no right. You are to stop this instant, is that clear?
Ray Kroc
Nah...
Dick McDonald
What the hell does that mean, nah? You will abide by the terms of your deal.
Ray Kroc
I am through taking marching orders from you... You and your endless parade of NOs. Constantly cowering in the face of progress.
Dick McDonald
If phony powdered milkshakes is your idea of progress, you have a profound misunderstand of what McDonald's is about.
Ray Kroc
I have a far greater understanding of McDonald's than you two yokels.
Dick McDonald
What? You will do as we say.
Ray Kroc
Nope.
Dick McDonald
You have a contract!
Ray Kroc
You know, contracts are like hearts: they're made to be broken.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.