Norm MacdonaldQuotes

Mitch: Sam, you remember how things were when we were young?

Sam: Yeah, it was great.

Jimmy: [''Turning round to reveal his bitten-off nose''] You… bastard!

Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Billy: Maybe later.

Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

Billy: Okay.

Brian: [to himself] Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin for?

Billy: [goes up to the front porch of the Clements house, puts the bag down, lights it on fire, rings the doorbell, and hides behind the bushes with Jack and Frank; chuckles] Here's a nice piece of shit! Old man Clements hates shit! He's gonna freak, when he realizes it's shit! Oh my God, Old Man Clements hates shit!

Frank: [snickering] Shh, here he comes.

Old Man Ted Clements: [from inside; emerges, and sees the flaming bag] Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara! It's one of those flaming bags again!

Old Woman Barbara Clements: [offscreen] Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!

Old Man Ted Clements: [stamps out flaming bag, but steps on something. He lifts up his boot and smells; he realizes it's poop] Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control! Yuck! It's POOP again!

Jack: He called the shit "poop"!

Frank: [laughs some more] Oh, my God! This is the best night of my life!

Old Man Ted Clements: [goes back inside the house] I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!

Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

Frank: 74.

Billy: Meg Ryan.

Billy: [drunk] Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?

Frank: October?

Billy: [realizes] It's Nudie Magazine Day!!

Sgt. Sisk: Ladies and gentlemen, our suspect is not human. He is at home in the bush. Shoot to kill. Any questions?

Mob Member: Oh, yeah, yeah, I got a question there. When do we get to light our torches?

Sgt. Sisk: When it gets dark.

Mob Member: Ah, I see. Oh, hey, I got another question there. Suppose, hypothetically, you know, a guy had already lit his torch. I mean, it'd be cool if he could just keep it lit, huh?

Sgt. Sisk: Yes.

Mob Member: Oh, excellent. Excellent.

Sgt. Sisk: Now, if there are no more questions...

Mob Member: Oh, hey, hey, hey, I got another question. Hey, uh, if one part of the mob gets separated from another part of the mob, shouldn't there be a place that we can get together? Maybe a secret place the two mobs could reunite, and we'd be a big mob again.

Sgt. Sisk: Stay with the mob.

Mob Member: Stay with the mob. All right.

Sgt. Sisk: Right.

Mob Member: Hey, hey, hey, I got another question. Hey, uh, doesn't this guy deserve a fair trial?

Sgt. Sisk: You... back of the mob!

Mob Member: Back of the mob"? What? This is my spot! I came early!

Sgt. Sisk: Okay, out of the mob!

Mob Member: Ah, this mob blows.

Townie: You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!

Chief Wilson: Marvin, do you worship the Dark Lord.

Miles: If you don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm black, you just let me know.

Gay flight attendant: [noticing Marvin sniffing a drug suspect's butt] I hope he's on our flight.

Mob Member: I don't want to be part of a mob to kill a black dude!

Off-screen voice: THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!