Rowan AtkinsonQuotes

Archbishop: [preparing to crown Sauvage] I crown you--

Johnny English: [fails to grab the banner; swings back and forth on the wire] Dammit!

Pascal Sauvage: [hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne] Give it back!

Johnny English: No!

Pascal Sauvage: That is my crown!

Johnny English: Never!

Pascal Sauvage: GIVE IT BACK!!!

Johnny English: Never in a million years, Sauvage!

Johnny English: Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.

Doctor: What are you talking about?

Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?

Bough: [over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?

Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.

Johnny English: Bastards.

Elderly Man: It's only for tests

Johnny English: Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else

Lorna Campbell: [watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.

Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.

Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.

Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.

Pascal Sauvage: But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.

Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.

Bough: How?

Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.

Bough: I see, sir.

Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.

Bough: Brilliant, sir.

Johnny English: [singing] However, you must always sing in E-flat. E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--

Bough: Is it working, sir?

Johnny English: [singing; Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Extremely well, thank you, Bough. Thanks for all the joy they're-- Ow!

Bough: Are you all right, sir?

Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.

Bough: That was me, sir.

Johnny English: Oh, good.

Johnny English: [picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk; clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses] Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice--

Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!

Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.

Pegasus: [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him] Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.

Johnny English: [Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out] Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.

Pegasus: [A man with a laptop walks into the room] But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?

Johnny English: Well, he was... big.

Roger: Hair colour?

Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Umm... orange.

Pegasus: [skeptical] Orange?

Johnny English: Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.

Johnny English: An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.

Roger: Which cheek?

Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.

Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?

Johnny English: [surprised by'' made-up appearance''] AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

Funeral Officer: Everything in order, English?

Johnny English: [a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents] I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.

Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?

Johnny English: I'm gonna sit in the flat.

Johnny English: [speaking to Lorna] Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?

Johnny English: [speaking to Bough] Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?

Johnny English: [after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause; the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away] Arrest that man... and lock him away!

Johnny English: Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.

Johnny English: I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

Johnny English: [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet] You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun.

Johnny English: [Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?

Johnny English: The word mistake sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.

Johnny English: [After climbing into a castle via the sewage system] Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!

Johnny English: A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.

Johnny English: (first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.

Father Julius: [[w:Thirty pieces of silver|thirty pieces of chocolate.] You know what you've done, Julius. You've sold your soul for ]

Brad: Carol! Hey Carol, how's the island?

Carol: [with an angry tone] Are you tricking on me?

Brad: Carol, it's me. It's Brad. We've known each other since we were, like, three--

Carol: [suddenly lifts up Brad in air] Back off my grill, son.

Brad: [screaming in pure terror as Mystery Inc. watches in horror] CAROL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Mondavarious: I'm terrified. And if the young people come off the barge, the people I love the most, they are in danger.

Velma: I'm gonna solve this one first.

Fred: Not before I solve it first.

Mondavarious: Well done.

Daphne: You guys are gonna look like total, total idiots when you're captured and I'm the one saving you.

Velma: What's the problem, exactly?

Mondavarious: I believe somebody is casting a spell on the students. Now listen and look around. Can you notice any difference between those arriving and those departing?

Daphne: They look like sober, well-behaved college kids.

Mondavarious: Precisely. And they didn't before they came. They've changed. In other words, a magic spell.

Sabine: [after finding out Mr. Bean is wanted by the whole of France, angrily] Who are you? Where are you going?

Mr. Bean: [takes out picture of Cannes and points to it] To the beach.

Waitress on Train: Un café?

Mr. Bean: Oui.

Waitress on Train: Du sucre?

Mr. Bean: Non.

Waitress on Train: You speak very good French.

Mr. Bean: ¡Gracias!

Vicar: [everybody claps their hands] Three one! Thirty-one. Ah, Mrs. Lucas!

Mrs. Lucas: Over here!

Vicar: [the crowd stop clapping their hands; Bean pops out of the crowd; A nearby little girl named Lily turns on her [[iPod; [w:La Mer (song)|La Mer; everybody at the church, including Bean, clap their hands again; Bean sees that his ticket number is 6-1-6 which disgruntles him and causes him to dump it on a toy truck; Bean sees his ticket number upside down which reads 919, surprising him; right before the vicar gets another ticket from the bucket Bean quickly raises his ticket up as 9-1-9] Congratulations, Mrs. Lucas. And now to the first prize in today's raffle in aid of the "roof appeal." Thank you Lily. ], causing "]" to play] Indeed. The magnificent holiday to the south of France, kindly sponsored by Dalesborough Travel Limited. So, thank you guys. The winner of this prize will travel by Eurostar train to Paris then catch the fast train south before spending the week on the beaches of the French Riviera. This fabulous prize also includes 200 euros spending money and Barbara, this wonderful video camera kindly donated by A&K Electrics of Arbor Road. The winner of this amazing prize is: 9-1-9. Nine one nine. Anybody have ticket 9-1-9? If there is no claimant, I'll have to pick another ticket from the bucket. Anyone?

Mr. Bean: [everybody looks back at Bean and cheer as Bean joyfully walks to the stage, triumphant about winning the prize] YES!!!

Mr. Bean: [imitating Sabine after she insults a car overtaking them] Espèce de canard!

Mr. Bean: Back! Back! Back a bit.

David Langley: Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?

Mr. Bean: ...not... necessarily.

David Langley: [clears throat] Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor?

Mr. Bean: [shakes head] No.

David Langley: Number two: do you know anything about art?

Mr. Bean: Well...

David Langley: [laughs] Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player?

Mr. Bean: ...Yes.

Kevin Langley: Hi, Beanie. Can't sleep, huh?

Mr. Bean: No.

Kevin Langley: Me neither. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.

Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.

David Langley: Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean: No.

David Langley: Good, neither do I.

David Langley: [notices Bean trying to block the main door; notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone] Seems to be a problem with the...'...door. Where's the picture gone?

Mr. Bean: Uh... Um, uh...

David Langley: [Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a poorly drawn cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out; Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it; takes a deep breath; Bean shows David the painting again; David freaks out once again; David screams out of the window] What? What? What? What? OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. OH, GOD! OH, GOD! GOD! OH, GOD!

David Langley: [hurries into the kitchen; Bean pulls two hot dogs out of the fridge; Bean puts the hot dogs back and pulls out an onion; Bean puts the onion back and pulls out a Thanksgiving turkey; looks in the fridge] How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. Onion?! Just on its own?! No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. Have you ever cooked one of these before?

Mr. Bean: Oh, yes.

David Langley: But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right?

Mr. Bean: [cuts to Bean and David stuffing the turkey into the microwave; sets the timer] Not necessarily. What do you think, 20 minutes?

David Langley: [Bean nods] I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.

David Langley: [after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time; David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled] Incredible! you set?

Lieutenant Brutus: He's a genius, huh?

David Langley: That's what they tell me.

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?

Mr. Bean: BOO!

David Langley: Ohh!

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

Alison Langley: Hello, Doctor.

Mr. Bean: Hello.

David Langley: No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--

David Langley: Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean: I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David: Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.

LAX Police Officer 1: Police! Get on him now! Move it!

LAX Police Officer 3: Move it!

LAX Police Officer 1: Police! Come on! Come on, watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way!

LAX Police Officer 1: In pursuit of a 415, man with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get the team over here now.

LAX Police Officer 1: Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through!

LAX Police Officer 1: Come on, lady! Watch it! Move!

LAX Police Officer 1: [Everybody lies down on the floor including Bean] There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! Everyone on the floor! Now!

Old Woman: Not you, sweetie.

Mr. Bean: Oh, right.

LAX Police Officer 1: Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back.

LAX Police Officer 1: What is this?

LAX Police Officer 2: I don't know. Weird.

Lieutenant Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you could certainly use something.

Mr. Bean: [giving speech about the painting] Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly... And I'm getting quite near the end of this analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley, and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat, who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her... and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of, and that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway.

James Bond: Oh, no.

Nigel Small-Fawcett: I'm sorry, Mr. Bond. Obviously caught you at a bad moment.

James Bond: M sent you.

Nigel Small-Fawcett: Only to plead for your return, sir. M says that without you in the service, he fears for the security of the civilized world.

James Bond: Never again.

Domino Petachi: Never?