Russell BrandQuotes

Trinculo: Misery acquaints a man with strange bed fellows.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: or do you want it without your cake?

Aldous Snow: I don't drink.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...

Aldous Snow: Okay.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [''Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent''] Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!

Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that me?

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.

Aldous Snow: I'll listen to it when you've gone.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?

Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Just not at all?

Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [''Whispers''; ''Walks away''] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!

Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, alright, that's enough!

Sarah Marshall: What?

Aldous Snow: I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with im next door, in't ya?

Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?

Aldous Snow: You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.

Sarah Marshall: [mocking Aldous's accent] You should have seen yourself at dinner! Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Aldous Snow: That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, cause it's canceled.

Sarah Marshall: Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!

Aldous Snow: Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?

Sarah Marshall: [long pause] I hate your music.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow: [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing] Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow: [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs] Um, garcon, could we get some...

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous: [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert] No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen: [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.] Oh, good!

Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen: [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

Rachel Jansen: Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?

Peter Bretter: [smiles weakly] I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances.

Rachel Jansen: [she looks through the registrar] Oh! Wow. Bold! We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?

Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter: Wow.

Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter: [he looks around; he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ( hotel.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. People are excited that she's here.

Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen: Sir?

Peter Bretter: [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] It's totally fine. Okay, there she is. Did she see me?

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen: Yup.

Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.

Rachel Jansen: [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? Button it back up.

Sarah Marshall: Peter?

Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.

Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter: [chuckles hysterically] I came here to murder you.

Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?

Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...

Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby; slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard; holds up a black flip-flop; to Rachel] Hey there, little sex object! I've lost a shoe Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.

Aldous Snow: [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous. Good to meet you, man.

Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...

Rachel Jansen: [to Peter] I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.

Peter Bretter: You were?

Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.

Peter Bretter: Marvelous!

Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous!

Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow: [he and Sarah walk away; to Sarah] I like your shirt. It's colorful. Bye, ta-ta! I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

Peter Bretter: [to Rachel] Bye, now. Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

Rachel Jansen: [hands him a key] Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!

Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.

Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...

Rachel Jansen: Jansen.

Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...

Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!

Aldous Snow: I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi.

Aldous Snow: [In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD] Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life.

Aldous Snow: [Jiggling a hooker's breasts] It's better than Christmas!

Aldous Snow: I'm like an African white space Jesus. That's not for me to say though.

Aldous Snow: [to Aaron] Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.

Aldous Snow: [[w:Darfur|Darfur; [w:Rwanda|Rwanda; [w:Zimbabwe|Zimbabwe] I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was in ], or ], or ], or one of em, and I thought, this isn't right, is it? And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.

Aldous Snow: [after Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV; Pauses and leans towards the television screen] Didn't I have sex with her once? Yeah, yeah I did.