Memorable Quotes from Russell Brand
12 quotesLiving Life Beyond the Music
Aldous Snow
Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life.
[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aldous Snow's Unique Self-Perception
Aldous Snow
I'm like an African white space Jesus. That's not for me to say though.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Reality of War
Aldous Snow
I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was in ], or ], or ], or one of em, and I thought, this isn't right, is it? And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.
[[w:Darfur|Darfur; [w:Rwanda|Rwanda; [w:Zimbabwe|Zimbabwe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Demo Submission and Personal Admiration
Matthew Van Der Wyk
or do you want it without your cake?
Aldous Snow
I don't drink.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
Aldous Snow
Okay.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!
[''Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent'']
Aldous Snow
That stupid English voice, was that me?
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
Aldous Snow
I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow
Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Just not at all?
Aldous Snow
No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!
[''Whispers''; ''Walks away'']
Aldous Snow
I like him. That's quite moving.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Relationship Choices
Aldous Snow
Yeah, alright, that's enough!
Sarah Marshall
What?
Aldous Snow
I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with im next door, in't ya?
Sarah Marshall
Excuse me?
Aldous Snow
You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall
You should have seen yourself at dinner! Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
[mocking Aldous's accent]
Aldous Snow
That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, cause it's canceled.
Sarah Marshall
Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow
Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
Sarah Marshall
I hate your music.
[long pause]
Aldous Snow
Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper the other day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Imagination Filled with Whimsy and Nonsense
Aldous Snow
Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.
[to Aaron]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debating Relationships and Personal Liberties
Sarah Marshall
So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]
Aldous Snow
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
[spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing]
Sarah Marshall
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall
Just please get some seltzer water.
[quietly and angrily]
Aldous Snow
Um, garcon, could we get some...
[Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous
No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.
[Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Peter Brenner
Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
[in mock reaction to the dessert]
Rachel Jansen
Oh, good!
[they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter
I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen
It's good, huh?
[laughs]
Sarah Marshall
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.
[she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Extreme Discomfort Described by Aldous Snow
Aldous Snow
I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aldous Snow Reflects on Past Encounter
Aldous Snow
Didn't I have sex with her once? Yeah, yeah I did.
[after Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV; Pauses and leans towards the television screen]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Hotel Check-In Request
Rachel Jansen
Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
Peter Bretter
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances.
[smiles weakly]
Rachel Jansen
Oh! Wow. Bold! We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
[she looks through the registrar]
Peter Bretter
Um, okay. How much is that?
Rachel Jansen
$6,000 a night.
Peter Bretter
Wow.
Rachel Jansen
Beautiful views.
Peter Bretter
I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ( hotel.
[he looks around; he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by]
Rachel Jansen
Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. People are excited that she's here.
[laughs]
Peter Bretter
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Rachel Jansen
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Peter Bretter
Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Rachel Jansen
Sir?
Peter Bretter
It's totally fine. Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
[looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby]
Rachel Jansen
Uh-huh.
Peter Bretter
Is she coming over here?
Rachel Jansen
Yup.
Peter Bretter
I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.
Rachel Jansen
Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? Button it back up.
[Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval]
Sarah Marshall
Peter?
Peter Bretter
Hey. Hi.
Sarah Marshall
What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter
I came here to murder you.
[chuckles hysterically]
Sarah
Really, what are you doing here?
Peter Brenner
I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
Aldous Snow
Hey there, little sex object! I've lost a shoe Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
[enters the lobby; slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard; holds up a black flip-flop; to Rachel]
Rachel Jansen
Uh-huh?
Aldous Snow
Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Sarah Marshall
Aldous, this is Peter.
Aldous Snow
Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
[shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him]
Sarah Marshall
My ex-boyfriend.
Aldous Snow
Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
Peter Bretter
I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Aldous Snow
Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
Peter Bretter
I'm not, as a matter...
Rachel Jansen
I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
[to Peter]
Peter Bretter
You were?
Rachel Jansen
Yes, sir.
[smiles and nods]
Peter Bretter
Marvelous!
Aldous Snow
Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
Sarah Marshall
Aldous!
Peter Bretter
No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
Aldous Snow
Alright, Peter.
Sarah Marshall
Have a good trip, Pete.
Aldous Snow
I like your shirt. It's colorful. Bye, ta-ta! I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
[he and Sarah walk away; to Sarah]
Peter Bretter
Bye, now. Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
[to Rachel]
Rachel Jansen
Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
[hands him a key]
Peter Bretter
Why are you doing this for me?
Rachel Jansen
She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Peter Bretter
Yeah, right?! Thank you.
Rachel Jansen
Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
Peter Bretter
Rachel...
[tries to read her nametag]
Rachel Jansen
Jansen.
Peter Bretter
Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Rachel Jansen
Go. Go enjoy yourself!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aldous Snow's Enthusiasm for Celebration
Aldous Snow
It's better than Christmas!
[Jiggling a hooker's breasts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Strange Companionship in Times of Misery
Trinculo
Misery acquaints a man with strange bed fellows.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.