Memorable Quotes from Sam Richardson
2 quotesConflicted Decisions in a Business Partnership
Mike
Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
Dave
What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is!
Mike
Really?
Dave
Yeah.
Mike
And what are you gonna do?
Dave
I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!
Mike
You traitor!
[stands up]
Cousin Terry
I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
[out on stage; the wedding party laughs uproariously; Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]
Mike
You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
Cousin Terry
Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
Burt
What? Where is that coming from?
Keith
I don't know what I did!
Dave
It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
[the adults gasp]
Cousin Terry
Try a little harder. Am I right?
Mike
You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.
Burt
That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys.
Mike
I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.
Burt
The mics are on!
Dave
You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!
Cousin Terry
There it is!
Tatiana
It was for tickets to Rihanna!
Dave
You're sad, man. You are sad.
Mike
I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! You wanna go?!
[Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]
Dave
Don't do it!
Mike
These are coming your way!
Dave
Just stop!
[punches Mike a second time]
Rosie
God, that had to hurt!
Dave
Don't do it again!
[the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]
Mike
Why do you keep punching me?!
Dave
Why do you keep rushing at me?!
Becky
Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that?
Mike
This wedding is going to Hell!
[enraged]
Burt
Yes.
Mike
They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran!
[Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]
Eric
I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.
Mike
I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!
Eric
GODDAMN IT!! Jeanie!
[rushes off]
Mike
I HATE YOU!!!
[shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation and Misunderstanding in a Tense Moment
Paul
That was humiliating!
[laughing]
Cassandra
Why don't you just fuck off, now OK?
Paul
Wait, are you sober? Oh shit! You're that psycho that Jerry took home.
Cassandra
I don't know what you're talking about.
Paul
You know what, not interested, sweetheart. Why don't you just take crazy somewhere else? You're not even that hot.
Cassandra
You're hardly dropping panties yourself, Paul. When was the last time you scored in daylight?
Paul
Careful.
[threateningly]
Cassandra
No, you be careful. I'm not the only one who does this. And some of the other girls really are crazy.
[advancing on him]
Paul
I don't believe you.
Cassandra
There's a woman in this city who carries a pair of scissors.
Paul
You're lying.
Cassandra
Try it out next time you go out, and see what happens.
Paul
Why do you guys have to ruin everything?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.