Sam RichardsonQuotes

Mike: Why aren't you on my side, Dave?

Dave: What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is!

Mike: Really?

Dave: Yeah.

Mike: And what are you gonna do?

Dave: I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!

Mike: [stands up] You traitor!

Cousin Terry: [out on stage; the wedding party laughs uproariously; Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system] I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?

Mike: You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!

Cousin Terry: Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.

Burt: What? Where is that coming from?

Keith: I don't know what I did!

Dave: [the adults gasp] It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!

Cousin Terry: Try a little harder. Am I right?

Mike: You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.

Burt: That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys.

Mike: I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.

Burt: The mics are on!

Dave: You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!

Cousin Terry: There it is!

Tatiana: It was for tickets to Rihanna!

Dave: You're sad, man. You are sad.

Mike: [Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor] I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! You wanna go?!

Dave: Don't do it!

Mike: These are coming your way!

Dave: [punches Mike a second time] Just stop!

Rosie: God, that had to hurt!

Dave: [the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike] Don't do it again!

Mike: Why do you keep punching me?!

Dave: Why do you keep rushing at me?!

Becky: Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that?

Mike: [enraged] This wedding is going to Hell!

Burt: Yes.

Mike: [Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure] They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran!

Eric: I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.

Mike: I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!

Eric: [rushes off] GODDAMN IT!! Jeanie!

Mike: [shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt] I HATE YOU!!!

Paul: [laughing] That was humiliating!

Cassandra: Why don't you just fuck off, now OK?

Paul: Wait, are you sober? Oh shit! You're that psycho that Jerry took home.

Cassandra: I don't know what you're talking about.

Paul: You know what, not interested, sweetheart. Why don't you just take crazy somewhere else? You're not even that hot.

Cassandra: You're hardly dropping panties yourself, Paul. When was the last time you scored in daylight?

Paul: [threateningly] Careful.

Cassandra: [advancing on him] No, you be careful. I'm not the only one who does this. And some of the other girls really are crazy.

Paul: I don't believe you.

Cassandra: There's a woman in this city who carries a pair of scissors.

Paul: You're lying.

Cassandra: Try it out next time you go out, and see what happens.

Paul: Why do you guys have to ruin everything?