Mike:
Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
Dave:
What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is!
Mike:
Really?
Dave:
Yeah.
Mike:
And what are you gonna do?
Dave:
I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!
Mike: [stands up]
You traitor!
Cousin Terry: [out on stage; the wedding party laughs uproariously; Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]
I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? Mike:
You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
Burt:
What? Where is that coming from? Keith:
I don't know what I did! Dave: [the adults gasp]
It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
Mike:
You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.
Burt:
That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys. Mike:
I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.
Dave:
You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!
Tatiana:
It was for tickets to Rihanna! Dave:
You're sad, man. You are sad.
Mike: [Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]
I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! You wanna go?!
Dave:
Don't do it!
Mike:
These are coming your way!
Dave: [punches Mike a second time]
Just stop!
Rosie:
God, that had to hurt! Dave: [the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]
Don't do it again!
Mike:
Why do you keep punching me?!
Dave:
Why do you keep rushing at me?!
Becky:
Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that? Mike: [enraged]
This wedding is going to Hell!
Mike: [Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]
They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran!
Eric:
I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood. Mike:
I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!
Eric: [rushes off]
GODDAMN IT!! Jeanie! Mike: [shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]
I HATE YOU!!!
