Seann William ScottQuotes

Jade: [''On top of Kar fighting him''] What the hell are you looking at?

Kar: You're just so damn beautiful, especially when you're angry.

Funktastic goon 1: [''Punches Kar in the face''] You're boosting in the wrong turf!

Funktastic goon 2: [''Grabbing and manhandling Kar''] Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!

Kar: [''To Funktastic''] I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?

Funktastic goon 1: [[w:Greasy spoon|greasy spoons] That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his ], and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.

Funktastic goon 1: And that's us.

Kar: [[w:Motel 6|a Motel 6; ''All Funktastic goons laugh''] You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into ].

Funktastic: [''Punches Kar in abdomen''] That's good. Pretty funny. You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.

Kar: [''Reaches into jacket''; ''Holds out Monk's scroll''] You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. In the meantime, take this. It's okay. An offer of good faith.

Funktastic: [''Takes scroll from Kar''; ''Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder''; [w:Sweatshop|made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop; [w:castration|Too bad I have to cut them off] What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? You come down here and try and palm that ] piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. ].

Kar: I have no idea what you just said.

Funktastic goon 3: [[w:testicles|Your balls; ''All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off''] ]. He's gonna cut off your balls.

Kar: [''Walking down subway tunnel with Monk With No Name following after rescuing a little girl from getting run over by a train''] You son of a bitch. You just lost my whole stash.

Monk With No Name: Be happy. You helped save a human life.

Kar: Yeah, well, last time I checked there's no reward for that. Tell me, how did you do that back there?

Monk With No Name: Practice.

Kar: [''Scoffs''] Who the hell are you, anyway?

Monk With No Name: That's not the question you need to ask. You should be asking yourself who you are. Your mind is filled with compassion. That's why you risked your life to help the child. But your mind is also impure. So you forget the spiritual reward and think only of the financial. Well, if you're so pure, why were all those guys in suits chasing you?

Monk With No Name: It doesn't concern you.

Kar: [[w:FBI|FBI; [w:CIA|CIA; [w:Immigration and Naturalization Service|INS] Let me guess, ], ], ].

Monk With No Name: I said it doesn't concern you.

Kar: [''Walks off''] Unbelievable.

Monk With No Name: [''Kar stops, walks back with Monk With No Name walking up''; ''Extends a hand''] I'm sorry! Every man's life concerns every other man, especially if he is on the noble path to true enlightenment. Can you accept my apology?

Kar: [''Hugs Monk With No Name and steals Monk's scroll''] Apology accepted. Thanks for helping me.

Monk With No Name: No problem, man.

Kar: [''Calls for a non responding Mr. Kojima''] Well, my boss doesn't seem to be here. Which means you don't get to watch me get yelled at.

Kar: [[w:New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission|I wouldn't have cabbed it] Man, if I knew I was gonna pay, ].

Kar: So, I figured it out. Why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan. So be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.

Kar: [[w:Fortune cookie|fortune-cookie philosophy; [w:United States|This is America; [w:Big Mac|Big Macs; [w:strip club|strip clubs; [w:shopping mall|shopping malls; [w:Las Vegas Strip|Las Vegas; [w:HBO|HBO] Enough with all this ], okay? ]. We don't have enlightenment here. We have ], ], ], ] and ]! You got it?

Kar: [''The monk inquires curtly''; [w:Hot dog bun|hot dog buns; ''The monk bluntly disagrees''] And by the way, I got the answer to your little question from last night. Yeah. Check this out. The reason hot dogs come in packages of ten but ] come in packages of just eight is so you'll always need more buns for your hot dogs. Because no matter how much you get, how much you achieve, how many times you win... You can never, ever let yourself feel like it's enough.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Shitbreak, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight, think of Kevin.

Steve Stifler: Morning, co-workers and cock-jerkers!

Steve Stifler: [repeated line] Oh, Finch's mom!

Steve Stifler: [after punching Dr. Ron out] I ain't worth jackshit, D-Ron.

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?

Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!

Chester: Is that what that is?

Jesse: Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.

Chester: Yeah!

Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.

Chester: We can?

Jesse: Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.

Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?

Jesse: Yeah.

Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!

Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?

Jesse: Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: S - wee - t!" What about mine?

Chester: [''Angrily''] Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: [''Screaming''] Sweet!

Mr. Lee: [''Screams in English''; ''Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English''] Idiots! Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?

Jesse: Oh.

Mr. Lee: Ai-yah!

Jesse: Sorry.

Chester: Hey... sorry.

Jesse: Sorry.

Jesse and Chester: Shibby!

Mr. Lee: Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.

Jesse: We bought these last night?

Mr. Lee: [''Says "fucked up" in Chinese''] Yeah. You were pretty last night.

Chester: How much are these?

Mr. Lee: [''In English''] You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.

Jesse: [''Reaches into pockets''; ''Pulls out [[w:kaleidoscope|kaleidoscope] Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's- ] viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!

Chester: [''Pulls out [[w:dove|a dove] Sweet! Cool.

Jesse: Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?

Mr. Lee: You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.

Jesse: You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?

Mr. Lee: Me? No, I don't see no car.

Jesse: [''Answer cellphone in pocket''] Hello.

Chester: Dude, we bought cell phones.

Jesse: [''Looking at paper''] That's not all we bought, dude.-

Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

Chester: Oh, that's my alter ego.

Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.

Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

Jesse: Oh, yeah.

Chinese Food Intercom: Chinese Foooood, may I help you?

Jesse: Yeah, I like to place an order.

Chinese Food Intercom: Um, what you like?

Jesse: [[w:Honey garlic sauce|garlic chicken] Yeah, I like uh... three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [[w:white rice|white rice] And then, three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson''] And then... Oh hey, you guys want soup?

Chester & Nelson: Sure.

Jesse: [[w:Wonton|Wonton soup] Yeah, three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [[w:fortune cookie|fortune cookies] Oh, uh some ] too.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: Uh... naw I think that's about it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: No, that's it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''stutters''] No and then, I... ...that's, that's all I want.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''Looks behind and then laughs''] And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin else cause I'm done ordering, okay?

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.

Chinese Food Intercom: Uh-huh, and then?

Chester: And the soup dude.

Jesse: Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Nelson: And the Cookie's Fortune.

Jesse: And, and the, and the fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And the...en?

Jesse: [''Starts chuckling''] And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.

Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en?

Jesse: [''Gets irritated''] Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!

Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en...?

Jesse: [''Gets upset''] NO! No "and then"!

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?!

Jesse: No "and then"!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Growls''] An...nd the...en...?

Jesse: [''Gets annoyed''] You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Quietly''] And then?

Jesse: [''laughs nervously''; ''grows livid''; ''Pause; Jesse almost gives in''] And then... I'm gonna come in there... and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Repeatedly''; ''Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away''] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Severely damaged''] And then...?

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

Chester: [[w:Beer bong|bong a beer] Can he also ]?

Nelson: [[w:Pipe smoking|smoke his pipe] Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and ].

Jesse: [''After discovering their kitchen is insanely stocked in every nook and cranny of [[w:Chocolate pudding|Chocolate pudding] Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

Chester: [''Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding''] I'd say it's entirely possible.

Brent: [trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Kyle: Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little, and... y'know.

E.L.: No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us?

E.L.: What the hell is that?! Did you kill a cheetah?

Kyle: [puts them up to his face and sniffs them, much to everyone's disgust] What? No, these are her underwear! She gave them to me! I boinked her!

E.L.: ... "boinked"?

Josh: Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the "boinking" out of your system, because we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.

E.L.: Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.

E.L.: Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?

E.L.: Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!

E.L.: Did I say two fingers? Better make that three.

E.L.: Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.

E.L.: Did you kill a cheetah?

E.L.: Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.

E.L.: You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

Steve Stifler: Whack away, Jim. Whack away.

Steve Stifler: Eat shit, Shit break'.

Steve Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!

Steve Stifler: [after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"] Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.

Steve Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Steve Stifler: Where are the fucking females?

Steve Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.

Steve Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

Steve Stifler: [When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture] Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!

Steve Stifler: Tantric, what the fuck is Tantric?

Steve Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Steve Stifler: [Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] That's it, bathe the Stifmeister. Ohhh, Ohhhh that's GREAT! How'd you get it so nice and warm? Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.

Steve Stifler: [Grabbing his crotch] Shake this!

Steve Stifler: Where are the fuckin females? Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Steve Stifler: Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ira Kane: Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.

Harry Block: Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

Wayne Grey: Wayne Grey. Did some chemistry in high school.

Harry Block: Wayne! I think we've established that "Ca-caw, ca-caw" and "Tookie, tookie" don't work.

Wayne Grey: [starts singing into the mike] Right. Sorry. You are so beautiful to me.

Ira Kane: Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.

Block: Uh-uh, stand down. I'm taking this one out myself.

Grey: You are so beautiful to me.

Block: [slightly mutters] Wayne, would you please stop? You're embarrassing me.

Travis: Let me get this straight - you never use guns?

Beck: No.

Travis: Never.

Beck: Never.

Travis: What if your best friend was gonna die, you wouldn't pick up a gun?

Beck: No guns.

Travis: Santa Claus would pick up a gun to save his best friend.

Beck: Do I look like Santa Claus? Do I look like Santa Claus to you? I pick up a gun, bad things happen to people. I don't like that.

Travis: What kind of things?

Beck: [points behind Travis] Very bad things, Travis. Move.

Travis: [starts to walk, then pauses; Beck gives him a shove to get him moving] What about knives? You know, my father doesn't share the same distaste for guns you do.

Beck: He's your father; he's not gonna kill you.

Travis: The only thing Billy Walker cares about is what's good for business. Now, the question is, Mr. Beck: What's good for your business?

Beck: [stops and looks at Travis] I don't make deals with men like you.

Travis: You don't even know me.

Beck: You're just like every other jackass I've taken down. First they try to run, then they try to fight, then they try to negotiate. And when that doesn't work, they do the same thing you're about to do when you realize it's over.

Travis: [unimpressed] What's that?

Beck: You're gonna get down on your hands and knees, and you're gonna beg me for a break. Well, guess what? I don't give breaks. No breaks.

Travis: You don't understand the situation.

Beck: You shot the wrong guy. You borrowed money from the wrong guy. You slept with the wrong guy's wife. I. Don't. Care. Your mistake.

Travis: [Beck pauses, then points again; continues walking; mocking Beck] What about you, Mr. Beck? Haven't you ever made a mistake? I know. Move. No breaks. That's just lame. "Noo breaks. Oh, I don't give breaks. Santa Claus doesn't give any breaks!

Travis: You come into my town. Mess up my bar. Eyeballin my woman.

Beck: Eyeballin your woman?

Travis: Oh it's on.

Travis: What's this over here? Is this your little friend, do you know him? You want a little thunder! Or a little lightning! Thunder, lightning, thunder, lightning--

Travis: EARS!!!

Travis: I'm just saying that whatever my father is paying you, I will double it.

Beck: No.

Travis: I'll quadruple it.

Beck: No.

Travis: I'll double it and quadruple it.

Beck: No.

Travis: You're being unreasonable.

Sheev: Hmm, might be a wet fuse.

Bo Duke: Maybe its backwards.

Sheev: It's supposed to be backwards, it's a Chinese fuse.

Bo Duke: No, I mean it's backwards from the way it's supposed to be.

Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?

Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once.

Sheev: Yeah, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend.

Bo Duke: I dated a Korean girl in high school.

Sheev: That is a totally different Oriental nation. Get an education!

Bo Duke: You're the one who got the fuse wrong.

Kevin Myers: Guys, here's to the next step!

Paul Finch: Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite or something?

Jim: Impolite" would be an improvement.

Steve Stifler: [sucking noise; sucking noise; sucking noise] Fuck you Finch, you didn't eat shit OK, you didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week. (Cadence appears) Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers aren't we? Well, you know what? I'm-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like "oh so good". It's gonna be like "Do you like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!" Like... Moo (Not amused Cadence) Moo. Moo. (Looks at Cadence) You been here long?

Steve Stifler: Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar

Steve Stifler: Suck my dick. Ron Jeremy

Steve Stifler: Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-fucking-stand?!

Steve Stifler: [Kevin & Finch look at him; Whispers to Jim] This sucks! Did I say that out loud? Keep going, man. It's good.

Steve Stifler: Save it, dickhead, I'm working.

Steve Stifler: Hey, flower-fuckers, you there?!

Steve Stifler: Fine. Adios!

Steve Stifler: Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers. Well, you know what? Im-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna be like "You like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!

Steve Stifler: Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.

Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.

Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?

Steve Stifler: Congratulation, Jism!

Steve Stifler: Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.

Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

Steve Stifler: Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Steve Stifler: [Hits Finch in the groin] Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? Bangkok!

Steve Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls. Hey Finch, you want this for here or to go?

Steve Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, biotch.

Steve Stifler: No, no, no, shit-head, you hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds? Not to mention that you passed on Nadia, dumbest fucking thing ever. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.