Memorable Quotes from Seann William Scott
70 quotesEmbracing Life's Uncertainties with Humor
Kar
So, I figured it out. Why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan. So be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Among Friends Leads to Tension
Harry Block
Wayne! I think we've established that "Ca-caw, ca-caw" and "Tookie, tookie" don't work.
Wayne Grey
Right. Sorry. You are so beautiful to me.
[starts singing into the mike]
Ira Kane
Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
Block
Uh-uh, stand down. I'm taking this one out myself.
Grey
You are so beautiful to me.
Block
Wayne, would you please stop? You're embarrassing me.
[slightly mutters]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Request for a Milkshake
Steve Stifler
Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
E.L. Adjusts the Number of Fingers
E.L.
Did I say two fingers? Better make that three.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Unconventional Congratulations
Steve Stifler
Congratulation, Jism!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Negotiation with Rising Offers
Travis
I'm just saying that whatever my father is paying you, I will double it.
Beck
No.
Travis
I'll quadruple it.
Beck
No.
Travis
I'll double it and quadruple it.
Beck
No.
Travis
You're being unreasonable.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Observation on Underwear Design
Steve Stifler
Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!
[When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Take on Love and Relationships
Steve Stifler
Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.
[answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Opportunities and Self-Reflection in College
E.L.
You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequence of Absence and Authority
Kar
Well, my boss doesn't seem to be here. Which means you don't get to watch me get yelled at.
[''Calls for a non responding Mr. Kojima'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Take on Poor Romantic Choices
Steve Stifler
No, no, no, shit-head, you hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds? Not to mention that you passed on Nadia, dumbest fucking thing ever. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Prioritizing work over distractions
Steve Stifler
Save it, dickhead, I'm working.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inappropriate Content and Relationships Discussed
E.L.
Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.
E.L.
Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Provocative Reminder to a Friend
Steve Stifler
Hey, Shitbreak, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight, think of Kevin.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Frustration with Female Attention
Steve Stifler
Where are the fuckin females? Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Embrace of Unconventional Fun
Steve Stifler
Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Value of Saving a Life
Kar
You son of a bitch. You just lost my whole stash.
[''Walking down subway tunnel with Monk With No Name following after rescuing a little girl from getting run over by a train'']
Monk With No Name
Be happy. You helped save a human life.
Kar
Yeah, well, last time I checked there's no reward for that. Tell me, how did you do that back there?
Monk With No Name
Practice.
Kar
Who the hell are you, anyway?
[''Scoffs'']
Monk With No Name
That's not the question you need to ask. You should be asking yourself who you are. Your mind is filled with compassion. That's why you risked your life to help the child. But your mind is also impure. So you forget the spiritual reward and think only of the financial. Well, if you're so pure, why were all those guys in suits chasing you?
Monk With No Name
It doesn't concern you.
Kar
Let me guess, ], ], ].
[[w:FBI|FBI; [w:CIA|CIA; [w:Immigration and Naturalization Service|INS]
Monk With No Name
I said it doesn't concern you.
Kar
Unbelievable.
[''Walks off'']
Monk With No Name
I'm sorry! Every man's life concerns every other man, especially if he is on the noble path to true enlightenment. Can you accept my apology?
[''Kar stops, walks back with Monk With No Name walking up''; ''Extends a hand'']
Kar
Apology accepted. Thanks for helping me.
[''Hugs Monk With No Name and steals Monk's scroll'']
Monk With No Name
No problem, man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Territory and Relationships
Travis
You come into my town. Mess up my bar. Eyeballin my woman.
Beck
Eyeballin your woman?
Travis
Oh it's on.
Travis
What's this over here? Is this your little friend, do you know him? You want a little thunder! Or a little lightning! Thunder, lightning, thunder, lightning--
Travis
EARS!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ordering Food from the Intercom
Chinese Food Intercom
Chinese Foooood, may I help you?
Jesse
Yeah, I like to place an order.
Chinese Food Intercom
Um, what you like?
Jesse
Yeah, I like uh... three orders of ].
[[w:Honey garlic sauce|garlic chicken]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then, three orders of ].
[[w:white rice|white rice]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then... Oh hey, you guys want soup?
[''then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson'']
Chester & Nelson
Sure.
Jesse
Yeah, three orders of ].
[[w:Wonton|Wonton soup]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Oh, uh some ] too.
[[w:fortune cookie|fortune cookies]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Uh... naw I think that's about it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
No, that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
No and then, I... ...that's, that's all I want.
[''stutters'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin else cause I'm done ordering, okay?
[''Looks behind and then laughs'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom
Uh-huh, and then?
Chester
And the soup dude.
Jesse
Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Nelson
And the Cookie's Fortune.
Jesse
And, and the, and the fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And the...en?
Jesse
And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.
[''Starts chuckling'']
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en?
Jesse
Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!
[''Gets irritated'']
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en...?
Jesse
NO! No "and then"!
[''Gets upset'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?!
Jesse
No "and then"!
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en...?
[''Growls'']
Jesse
You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!
[''Gets annoyed'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
[''Quietly'']
Jesse
And then... I'm gonna come in there... and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!
[''laughs nervously''; ''grows livid''; ''Pause; Jesse almost gives in'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[''Repeatedly''; ''Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then...?
[''Severely damaged'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alter Egos and Their Confusion
Jesse
Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester
Oh, that's my alter ego.
Jesse
Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
Chester
No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse
Oh, yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unforeseen Costs and Regrets
Kar
Man, if I knew I was gonna pay, ].
[[w:New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission|I wouldn't have cabbed it]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion About Feelings and Their Nature
Jesse
Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester
Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse
No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester
Is that what that is?
Jesse
Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester
Yeah!
Jesse
You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester
We can?
Jesse
Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester
And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse
Yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Bold Plans for the Wedding
Steve Stifler
It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Bold and Crude Wedding Remarks
Steve Stifler
Fuck you Finch, you didn't eat shit OK, you didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week. (Cadence appears) Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers aren't we? Well, you know what? I'm-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like "oh so good". It's gonna be like "Do you like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!" Like... Moo (Not amused Cadence) Moo. Moo. (Looks at Cadence) You been here long?
[sucking noise; sucking noise; sucking noise]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Invitation Mishap on a Special Day
Steve Stifler
Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Unconventional Morning Greeting
Steve Stifler
Morning, co-workers and cock-jerkers!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Reaction to Finch's Mom
Steve Stifler
Oh, Finch's mom!
[repeated line]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Illusion of Sufficiency in Life
Kar
And by the way, I got the answer to your little question from last night. Yeah. Check this out. The reason hot dogs come in packages of ten but ] come in packages of just eight is so you'll always need more buns for your hot dogs. Because no matter how much you get, how much you achieve, how many times you win... You can never, ever let yourself feel like it's enough.
[''The monk inquires curtly''; [w:Hot dog bun|hot dog buns; ''The monk bluntly disagrees'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing spontaneity and carefree attitude
Steve Stifler
Shake this!
[Grabbing his crotch]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Excited Return to Grand Harbor
Steve Stifler
Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with the pursuit of enlightenment
Kar
Enough with all this ], okay? ]. We don't have enlightenment here. We have ], ], ], ] and ]! You got it?
[[w:Fortune cookie|fortune-cookie philosophy; [w:United States|This is America; [w:Big Mac|Big Macs; [w:strip club|strip clubs; [w:shopping mall|shopping malls; [w:Las Vegas Strip|Las Vegas; [w:HBO|HBO]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Attraction in American Wedding
Steve Stifler
Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lighthearted Moment in Road Trip
E.L.
Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Enthusiasm for a Warm Bath
Steve Stifler
That's it, bathe the Stifmeister. Ohhh, Ohhhh that's GREAT! How'd you get it so nice and warm? Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.
[Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with a clear message
Steve Stifler
Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-fucking-stand?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Revelations During a Road Trip
Kyle
Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little, and... y'know.
E.L.
No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us?
E.L.
What the hell is that?! Did you kill a cheetah?
Kyle
What? No, these are her underwear! She gave them to me! I boinked her!
[puts them up to his face and sniffs them, much to everyone's disgust]
E.L.
... "boinked"?
Josh
Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the "boinking" out of your system, because we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Comparison of Unusual Body Imagery
Steve Stifler
My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls. Hey Finch, you want this for here or to go?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism About Women's Sexual History
Steve Stifler
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Worth and Doubt in Stifler's Perspective
Steve Stifler
I ain't worth jackshit, D-Ron.
[after punching Dr. Ron out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Cheetah's Fate
E.L.
Did you kill a cheetah?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's sarcastic response to an invitation
Steve Stifler
Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Regret After Kissing Jim
Steve Stifler
Oh God, I kissed Jim.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Bold and Crude Statement
Steve Stifler
Eat shit, Shit break'.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Challenge: It's On Like Donkey Kong
Steve Stifler
It's on like Donkey Kong, biotch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tattoo Confusion Among Friends
Jesse
Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester
So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse
Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester
Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse
S - wee - t!" What about mine?
Chester
Dude!" What does mine say?
[''Angrily'']
Jesse
Sweet!
[''Screaming'']
Mr. Lee
Idiots! Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?
[''Screams in English''; ''Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English'']
Jesse
Oh.
Mr. Lee
Ai-yah!
Jesse
Sorry.
Chester
Hey... sorry.
Jesse
Sorry.
Jesse and Chester
Shibby!
Mr. Lee
Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.
Jesse
We bought these last night?
Mr. Lee
Yeah. You were pretty last night.
[''Says "fucked up" in Chinese'']
Chester
How much are these?
Mr. Lee
You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.
[''In English'']
Jesse
Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's- ] viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!
[''Reaches into pockets''; ''Pulls out [[w:kaleidoscope|kaleidoscope]
Chester
Sweet! Cool.
[''Pulls out [[w:dove|a dove]
Jesse
Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?
Mr. Lee
You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.
Jesse
You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?
Mr. Lee
Me? No, I don't see no car.
Jesse
Hello.
[''Answer cellphone in pocket'']
Chester
Dude, we bought cell phones.
Jesse
That's not all we bought, dude.-
[''Looking at paper'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Rabbit's Plea Against Aerosol Dangers
Brent
Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
[trying to compose a protest song]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Priorities in American Wedding
Steve Stifler
If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Casual Farewell
Steve Stifler
Fine. Adios!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Impending Consequences of Poor Decisions
E.L.
Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dog's Lazy Lifestyle and Stoner Humor
Jesse
Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester
Can he also ]?
[[w:Beer bong|bong a beer]
Nelson
Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and ].
[[w:Pipe smoking|smoke his pipe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Frustration with Female Presence
Steve Stifler
Where are the fucking females?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouragement to take action
Steve Stifler
Whack away, Jim. Whack away.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Warning About the Ficus
Steve Stifler
Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.
[after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration and Encouragement in the Moment
Steve Stifler
This sucks! Did I say that out loud? Keep going, man. It's good.
[Kevin & Finch look at him; Whispers to Jim]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Protection and Profit in Criminal Turf
Funktastic goon 1
You're boosting in the wrong turf!
[''Punches Kar in the face'']
Funktastic goon 2
Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!
[''Grabbing and manhandling Kar'']
Kar
I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?
[''To Funktastic'']
Funktastic goon 1
That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his ], and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.
[[w:Greasy spoon|greasy spoons]
Funktastic goon 1
And that's us.
Kar
You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into ].
[[w:Motel 6|a Motel 6; ''All Funktastic goons laugh'']
Funktastic
That's good. Pretty funny. You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.
[''Punches Kar in abdomen'']
Kar
You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. In the meantime, take this. It's okay. An offer of good faith.
[''Reaches into jacket''; ''Holds out Monk's scroll'']
Funktastic
What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? You come down here and try and palm that ] piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. ].
[''Takes scroll from Kar''; ''Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder''; [w:Sweatshop|made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop; [w:castration|Too bad I have to cut them off]
Kar
I have no idea what you just said.
Funktastic goon 3
]. He's gonna cut off your balls.
[[w:testicles|Your balls; ''All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
E.L. Challenges a Distance with Humor
E.L.
Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Gun Use Principles
Travis
Let me get this straight - you never use guns?
Beck
No.
Travis
Never.
Beck
Never.
Travis
What if your best friend was gonna die, you wouldn't pick up a gun?
Beck
No guns.
Travis
Santa Claus would pick up a gun to save his best friend.
Beck
Do I look like Santa Claus? Do I look like Santa Claus to you? I pick up a gun, bad things happen to people. I don't like that.
Travis
What kind of things?
Beck
Very bad things, Travis. Move.
[points behind Travis]
Travis
What about knives? You know, my father doesn't share the same distaste for guns you do.
[starts to walk, then pauses; Beck gives him a shove to get him moving]
Beck
He's your father; he's not gonna kill you.
Travis
The only thing Billy Walker cares about is what's good for business. Now, the question is, Mr. Beck: What's good for your business?
Beck
I don't make deals with men like you.
[stops and looks at Travis]
Travis
You don't even know me.
Beck
You're just like every other jackass I've taken down. First they try to run, then they try to fight, then they try to negotiate. And when that doesn't work, they do the same thing you're about to do when you realize it's over.
Travis
What's that?
[unimpressed]
Beck
You're gonna get down on your hands and knees, and you're gonna beg me for a break. Well, guess what? I don't give breaks. No breaks.
Travis
You don't understand the situation.
Beck
You shot the wrong guy. You borrowed money from the wrong guy. You slept with the wrong guy's wife. I. Don't. Care. Your mistake.
Travis
What about you, Mr. Beck? Haven't you ever made a mistake? I know. Move. No breaks. That's just lame. "Noo breaks. Oh, I don't give breaks. Santa Claus doesn't give any breaks!
[Beck pauses, then points again; continues walking; mocking Beck]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Question About Thailand's Capital
Steve Stifler
Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? Bangkok!
[Hits Finch in the groin]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Challenge from Stifler
Steve Stifler
Finch, fist yourself!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Character Introductions in Evolution
Ira Kane
Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.
Harry Block
Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
Wayne Grey
Wayne Grey. Did some chemistry in high school.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion Over the Chinese Fuse Direction
Sheev
Hmm, might be a wet fuse.
Bo Duke
Maybe its backwards.
Sheev
It's supposed to be backwards, it's a Chinese fuse.
Bo Duke
No, I mean it's backwards from the way it's supposed to be.
Sheev
Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?
Bo Duke
I ate Chinese food once.
Sheev
Yeah, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend.
Bo Duke
I dated a Korean girl in high school.
Sheev
That is a totally different Oriental nation. Get an education!
Bo Duke
You're the one who got the fuse wrong.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bizarre Night of Pudding Purchases
Jesse
Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
[''After discovering their kitchen is insanely stocked in every nook and cranny of [[w:Chocolate pudding|Chocolate pudding]
Chester
I'd say it's entirely possible.
[''Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Confusion About Tantric Practices
Steve Stifler
Tantric, what the fuck is Tantric?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dance Lesson with Stifler
Steve Stifler
Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toasting Friendship and Impoliteness
Kevin Myers
Guys, here's to the next step!
Paul Finch
Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!
Steve Stifler
Are you saying I'm impolite or something?
Jim
Impolite" would be an improvement.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating Unconventional Perspectives on Special Moments
Steve Stifler
Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers. Well, you know what? Im-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna be like "You like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontational Statement by Steve Stifler
Steve Stifler
Suck my dick. Ron Jeremy
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Stifler's Attention and Approval
Steve Stifler
Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stifler's Unconventional Greeting
Steve Stifler
Hey, flower-fuckers, you there?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Beauty in Anger and Admiration
Jade
What the hell are you looking at?
[''On top of Kar fighting him'']
Kar
You're just so damn beautiful, especially when you're angry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.