Stephen Root Quotes

RoboCop 3

Tension Among Characters Escalates in RoboCop 3

Bertha Thanks for the heart attack. I believe I will go and send out a recon team.

[to members]

Coontz I got a better idea. Why don't we just all have a seat. And relax. It'll all be over in a few minutes.

[draw pistol]

Zack You son of a bitch.

Coontz Hey watch the language, there's children present.

[has pistol]

Bertha Drop it, Coontz. I'm not going to ask twice.

[aims pistol at Coontz from behind; Coontz drops pistol]

Moreno What do you mean about "it'll all be over in a few minutes"?

[stands up, curious at what Coontz just said]

Bertha Get the kids out of here! Now!

[Coontz' hand twitches and he make a slight shrug; realizes that he has betrayed them to the Rehabs; everybody tries to escape as OCP Rehab forces storm the Resistance base]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Milton's Threat to the Resort

Milton Waddams And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Jersey Girl

Unexpected Conversations About Dogs and Luck

Bart Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.

Greenie You getting a dog?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Request for a missing stapler

Milton Waddams I believe you have my stapler...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

Conflicted Decisions in a Business Partnership

Mike Why aren't you on my side, Dave?

Dave What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is!

Mike Really?

Dave Yeah.

Mike And what are you gonna do?

Dave I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!

Mike You traitor!

[stands up]

Cousin Terry I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?

[out on stage; the wedding party laughs uproariously; Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]

Mike You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!

Cousin Terry Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.

Burt What? Where is that coming from?

Keith I don't know what I did!

Dave It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!

[the adults gasp]

Cousin Terry Try a little harder. Am I right?

Mike You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.

Burt That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys.

Mike I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.

Burt The mics are on!

Dave You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!

Cousin Terry There it is!

Tatiana It was for tickets to Rihanna!

Dave You're sad, man. You are sad.

Mike I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! You wanna go?!

[Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]

Dave Don't do it!

Mike These are coming your way!

Dave Just stop!

[punches Mike a second time]

Rosie God, that had to hurt!

Dave Don't do it again!

[the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]

Mike Why do you keep punching me?!

Dave Why do you keep rushing at me?!

Becky Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that?

Mike This wedding is going to Hell!

[enraged]

Burt Yes.

Mike They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran!

[Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]

Eric I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.

Mike I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!

Eric GODDAMN IT!! Jeanie!

[rushes off]

Mike I HATE YOU!!!

[shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Out

Seeking Depth Beyond Surface Differences

Jim Hudson Please don't lump me in with that . You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your eye, man. I want those things you see through.

[the fetishization of blackness]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Frustration Over Incorrect Drink Orders

Milton Waddams Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

[on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Milton's Desk and Stapler Dilemma

Milton Waddams And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

[Talking to Peter on the phone]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Milton's Frustration with the Workplace

Milton Waddams I could set the building on fire...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Office Space

Consequences of Being Late at Work

Milton Waddams I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed...

[Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Out

Irony of a Blind Art Dealer

Jim Hudson Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Out

The Fashion of Identity and Change

Chris Washington Why us? Why black people?

Jim Hudson Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

No Country for Old Men

Recognition of Anton Chigurh's Identity

Man Who Hires Wells You know Anton Chigurh by sight. Is that correct?

Carson Wells Yes, sir. I know him every which way.

Man Who Hires Wells When did you last see him?

Wells Uh, November 28th of last year.

Man Who Hires Wells You seem pretty sure of the date. Did I ask you to sit?

Wells No sir, but you struck me as a man who wouldn't want to waste a chair.

[sitting down]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

No Country for Old Men

Missing Floor in a Tall Building

Carson Wells You know, I, uh, counted the floors of this building from the street.

Man Who Hires Wells And?

Wells Well, there's one missing.

Man Who Hires Wells We'll look into it.

No Country for Old Men

Questions About Chigurh's Reputation

Man Who Hires Wells How well do you know Chigurh?

Carson Wells Well enough.

Man Who Hires Wells That's not an answer.

Wells What do you want to know?

Man Who Hires Wells I'd just like to know your opinion of him in general. Just how dangerous is he?

Wells Compared to what, bubonic plague? He's bad enough you called me. He's a psychopathic killer, but so what? There's plenty of em around.

Man Who Hires Wells He killed three men in a motel in Del Rio yesterday, and two others at that colossal goatfuck out in the desert.

Wells We can stop that.

Man Who Hires Wells You seem pretty sure of yourself. You've led something of a charmed life, haven't you, Mr. Wells?

Wells In all honesty, I can't say that charm has had a whole lot to do with it.

Office Space

Struggling for Fairness in Office Noise Policy

Milton Waddams I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

[After Peter tells him to turn his radio down]

Office Space

Imbalance of Cake and People

Milton Waddams The ratio of cake to people is too big...

Get Out

Hypnosis Revelation Among Friends

Chris Washington I didn't even want to tell you.

Rod Williams What?

Chris Washington I got hypnotized last night.

Rod Williams Nigga, get the fuck outta here!

Chris Washington No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...

Rod Williams Bro I don't care if the bitch is ], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.

[[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]

Chris Washington I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!

Rod Williams Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin barking like a dog. Flyin around like you a fuckin pigeon, lookin ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.

Chris Washington Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.

Rod Williams Look, ] was eating the shit out of niggas heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like "Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit." No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.

[[Jeffrey Dahmer]

Chris Washington Thanks for that image right there, man.

Rod Williams Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on ]. That is real life.

[[W:A & E|A & E]

Chris Washington Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.

Rod Williams It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin is connectin the dots. I'm takin what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin everybody in a trance and she's fuckin the shit out of em.

Jim Hudson I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to ] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.

[[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]

Chris Washington Damn.

Jim Hudson I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.

Chris Washington Shit ain't fair, man.

Jim Hudson Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

Memorable Quotes from Stephen Root