Memorable Quotes from Steve Martin
91 quotesEmbracing Opportunities That Come Our Way
Michael McCann
When you turn a gift away from your door, it goes to the one who takes it in.
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The Dream of Importance and Recognition
Bobby Bowfinger
See that FedEx truck? Every day, it delivers important papers to people all around the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we- and by we, I mean me - will be important.
[looking at FedEx truck coming into his street]
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Complications in Filmmaking and Blackmail Concerns
Kit
Hey, ]. It's not funny!
[with head covered by a paper bag; [w:Laker Girls|Laker Girls; partly opens coat to show his naked body; Laker Girls laugh; scampers off]
Terry Stricter
You realize all courts in the country would consider this blackmail!
Bobby Bowfinger
I don't know anything about blackmail. I'm just a guy with a great film. I need a shot of Kit saying, "Gotcha, suckers" and a couple of close-ups. Or we'll use a shot of Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls. Which is a great ending, though not such a good ending for Kit. It could sort of stop his money flow and possibly make that family film he's about to do, just go, pfft.
Stricter
We'll have to think about it. We'll have to think about it, for Kit.
Bowfinger
Now that you've had time to think about it, what do you and the other fellows here at MindF'ng Head think?
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The Complexity of Weddings and Fatherhood
George Banks
I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. A boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say "I do." I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own. My daughter's. Annie Banks-MacKenzie. That's her married name. MacKenzie. I'll be honest with you. When I bought this house seventeen years ago, it cost me less than this blessed event in which Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie. I'm told that one day I'll look back on all this with great affection and nostalgia. I hope so. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never imagine. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. How she used to sit in my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said that I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and she wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on, you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing—and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her. And before you know it, you're sitting all alone in a big, empty house, wearing rice on your tux, wondering what happened to your life. It was just six months ago that it happened here. Just six months ago that the storm broke.
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Observations on Crowd Dynamics
Roger Cobb
You really know how to pack them in.
[Regarding the empty church at Edwina's memorial]
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A Birthday Revelation About Identity and Love
Mother
Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson
You mean I'm going to stay this color?
Mother
I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
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Questioning the Sanity of the Situation
Roger Cobb
Is everyone here bananas?
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Expressions of Love and Time Perception
Navin R. Johnson
Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy.
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Freddy Benson's Bold Claim About Culture
Freddy Benson
I've got culture coming out of my ass.
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The Value of Knowledge in Learning
Freddy Benson
Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
[omitted from the profit distribution]
Lawrence Jamieson
You are the student. You get knowledge.
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Cat Juggling Surprise in The Jerk
Navin R. Johnson
Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!
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A Father's Desire for Home and Family
George Banks
Mr. Habib, this is not a piece of land. This is my home and I'm going to be a father again and I don't want to bring my baby home to a condo on the beach! I want to drive down that street and I want to pull into this driveway and I want to honk my horn...
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Unexpected Reactions to Generous Promises
Navin R. Johnson
I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke!
Marie Johnson
I don't wanna puke!
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The Uncertainty of Love's Beginnings and Endings
Harris K. Telemacher
Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?
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Contradictory Feelings of Happiness and Unhappiness
Harris K. Telemacher
Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
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Surprise Encounter with Real Danger
Lucky Day
Oh GREAT!!! REAL bullets!!!
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Artistic Interpretations of Relationships and Desire
Harris K. Telemacher
I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.
[Admiring a painting; [the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]
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Facing a Life-Threatening Situation
Lucky Day
Uh, this is real... Yes: They. are going. to KILL us!
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A Bold Claim of Resurrection
Edwina Cutwater
Guess what I'm going to do?
Roger Cobb
What?
Edwina Cutwater
I'm going to come back from the dead.
Roger Cobb
Ohhh. And what makes you think you can do that?
[Patronising]
Edwina Cutwater
Because I'm rich.
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Lucky Day's Repetitive Exclamation
Lucky Day
Farley Farley Farley Farley Farley, Hufaaaaarrr!
[To summon the invisible swordsman]
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A Compliment to Ingenious Deception
Newton Davis
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the ] of bullshit.
[[Ernest Hemingway]
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Perceptions of Good and Bad People
Jimmy Dell
Good people, bad people, they generally look like what they are.
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Questioning Sound Mind in Legal Matters
Roger Cobb
Miss Cutwater, as your attorney, I must advise you - your will can be challenged if you are deemed to be... not of sound mind.
Edwina Cutwater
Why, you presumptious ambulance chaser. Are you implying that I am not of sound mind?
Roger Cobb
No, I wouldn't do that. But I think everyone else in the solar system might.
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A Promise of Return
Lucky Day
I'll come back some day.
Carmen
Why?
Lucky Day
Well, I thought...
[stumbles over his words]
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Confusion Over Prize Boundaries
Fairgoer
Hey, honey, let's see how good this guy is. What do I win?
Navin R. Johnson
Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches, right in here, in this area that includes the Chiclets but not the erasers.
[gesturing at the prize display]
Fairgoer
No sir. Come on, honey. He thought he had himself a rube.
Navin
Frosty, I'm just no good at this.
Frosty
Ah, come on, Navin. You're doing fine.
Navin
No, I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty
Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin
Ah, it's a profit deal! Heh, takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight-guessing! Take your chance and win some crap! Step right up!
[barking]
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Rediscovering Purpose in Life and Art
Davis
It's a story about a guy, he's a filmmaker like me, who loses his way, and forgets what it was he set on earth to do. Fortunately, he finds his way back. It can happen, Mack. Check it out.
[describing the plot of "Sullivan's Travels"]
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Cultural Perspectives on Infidelity Explained
Freddy Benson
I didn't steal any money! She just saw me with another woman! You're French, you understand that!
Inspector Andre
To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
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Instructions to Prepare for Departure
Lucky Day
Mount up! ... It means get on your horses.
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Desire for Privacy and Personal Freedom
Edwina Cutwater
Well I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this.
Roger Cobb
Because I want my body back! And I want my freedom and my privacy! And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak without being fondled!
Edwina Cutwater
You may find this hard to believe, but fondling you while you make pee-pee is not my idea of a good time.
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Unexpected Joy and Personal Growth
Freddy Benson
Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!
[in a childlike voice]
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Energy Vampires in the Legal Profession
Roger Cobb
You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.
[To Edwina]
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The Fiction We Tell Ourselves
Newton Davis
Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction.
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Reflections on Gender and Identity
Harris K. Telemacher
I could never be a woman, cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
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Questioning the Meaning of a Handkerchief
Davis
While we got a moment here, maybe you can explain something to me I never understood. What is the theory on this handkerchief thing? I mean, after you blow your nose in it, you put it back in your pocket and then you see someone in distress and you like give them this gift from your pocket and they are suppose to be grateful as they wipe it all over their face.
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Enjoyment in Conflict
Joe Ross
You don't have to do this.
Jimmy Dell
I enjoy doing it, actually. But I appreciate your concern.
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Embracing Life's Unexpected Surprises
George Banks
Well, that's the thing about life, is the surprises, the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you.
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Miscommunication in a Tense Standoff
Lucky Day
Not so fast, El Guapo! Or I'll fill you so full of lead that you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
El Guapo
What do you mean?
Lucky Day
...I don’t know.
Jefe
I think he means that if you –
El Guapo
SHUT UP!
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Personal Growth and Emotional Vulnerability
Harris K. Telemacher
I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.
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Frustration Over Glasses in The Jerk
Stan Fox
Damn these glasses, son.
Navin R. Johnson
Yes, sir. I damn thee!
[to the glasses]
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A Question About Gwen's Plans
Newton Davis
What do you say, Gwen? "Gwen" do you get off... and "gwhere" can we "gwo"?
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Confusion Over a Name in Conversation
Freddy Benson
I know somebody here! I met him on a train! His name... is... his name is... James. No. His name is... James Josephson. Lor. No, no, no. James Lawrence. LAWRENCE... Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Feings. Forest Lorenston. Low. Lars. LARS. Lawrence. Lawrence. Luch. Lawrence. Tuh. His name is James Jesenthon. Lawrence Fell. Lawrence Jesterton. LAWRENCE JESTERTON.
Inspector Andre
...Lawrence Jamieson?
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Unique Offer for a Dollar
Navin R. Johnson
For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
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The Consequences of Unwanted Help
Edwina Cutwater
Oh, Roger! I see what you mean about enjoying life! It's to be savoured!
[Thrilled]
Roger Cobb
I am going to kill you.
[Seething]
Edwina Cutwater
I was just trying to help...
[Hurt]
Roger Cobb
You failed! Since you started helping me, in the last twenty-four hours, I've lost my girl, my job, I've alienated my dog! I broke my sunglasses! You can't even get that kind anymore. Stop helping me!!
Edwina Cutwater
You know, you are so ungrateful. If it wasn't for me, you would get that partnership, and then you'd have to take cases like that, and kiss your father's high ideals goodbye. You'd also be married to Peggy; you call that savouring life?
Roger Cobb
Oh, look who's talking!
Edwina Cutwater
I spent my life in a sick bed. What's your excuse?
Roger Cobb
It's just like a dead person to say that.
[Fuming]
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Jimmy Dell's View on Problem Solving
Jimmy Dell
I'm a problem solver, with a heart of gold.
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Unexpected Encounter with Ashley
Peter Sanderson
Ashley! Who are you doing here?
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The Role of Movies in Managing Rage
Davis
There's so much rage going around we're damn lucky we have the movies to help us vent it.
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Lessons on Trust and Work Ethic
Mother
And remember: the Lord loves a working man!
Navin R. Johnson
The Lord loves a working man.
Father
And son, don't never ever trust whitey.
Navin
Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey.
Mother
Oh, baby.
Navin
Daddy. Pierre. Come here. Don't you forget to grow up now.
Elvira Johnson
Send me a picture, a picture! And I'll call you later! Don't forget, Navie!
Father
Okay, okay. Let the boy go.
Elvira
Bye.
Father
We got work to do.
Mother
And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Navin
I will, Ma. I know it's out there.
Taj
It's out there all right, and if you catch it see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin
See a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj
Good luck.
Navin
The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.
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Detective Heritage and Qualifications Discussed
Clouseau
And you are?
Ponton
Gilbert Ponton. Detective, Second Class.
Clouseau
And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton
My family has done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
We were policemen in the surrounding areas for two hundred years.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
Immigrants from various countries in Europe, all involved in police work.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
Farmers.
Clouseau
Mm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn. Gilbert Ponton, I vow to teach you everything I know about police work. And together, we are going to catch a killer.
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A Humorous Fantasy About Kissing
Navin R. Johnson
I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, to right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie
Why didn't you?
Navin
Well, I didn't want to get spit on me.
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Frustration with Uncertainty and Sleep Deprivation
George Banks
What am I supposed to do? Sleep standing up?
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Demanding Respect and Recognition in Adversity
Roger Cobb
Don't look at me like that. I'm not going in there as a messenger boy; I'm a trained legal advisor. No more being looked down on by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on, I'm gonna be respected... by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.
[To his dog]
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Facing Our Personal El Guapo
Lucky Day
In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!
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Cautious Approach to Business Relationships
Jimmy Dell
Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.
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Rejecting Violence in Art and Society
Davis
I can't make another piece of art that glorifies violence and bloodshed and brutality. I can't contribute another stone to this landslide of dehumanizing rage that has swept across this country like a pestilence.
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Unexpected Turns in a Dance Competition
Freddy Benson
I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!
[telling a phony story to sucker Janet into giving him money]
Janet Colgate
That's great!
Freddy Benson
And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!
Janet Colgate
Who was she with?
[gasps]
Freddy Benson
], the host of Dance USA.
[[w:Deney Terrio|Deney Terrio]
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A Question About Thoughts and Intentions
Lawrence Jamieson
Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
Freddy Benson
No!
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The Divide: Wealth, Rage, and Truth
Davis
The point is there's a gulf in this country; an ever-widening abyss between the people who have stuff, and the people who don't have shit. It's like this big hole in the ground, as big as the fucking Grand Canyon, and what's come pouring out is an eruption of rage, and the rage creates violence, and the violence is real, Mack. Nothing's gonna make it go away, until someone changes something, which is not going to happen. And you may not like it, even I may not like it, but I can't pretend it isn't there because that it is a lie, and when art lies, it becomes worthless. So I gotta keep telling the truth, even if it scares the shit out of me, like it scares the shit out of you. Even if it means some motherfucker can blow a big hole in my leg for a watch, and I'm gonna walk with a fucking limp for the rest of my life and call myself lucky.
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Apologies Amidst Unconventional Circumstances
Edwina Cutwater
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday.
Roger Cobb
And I'm sorry if I made your being dead an unpleasant experience.
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Desire to Sell the Ideal Family Home
George Banks
We could sell this house is a second. It's the Leave It To Beaver house that everybody wants.
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The Consequences of Moral Indebtedness
Jimmy Dell
I think you'll find that if what you've done for them is as valuable as you say it is, if they are indebted to you morally but not legally, my experience is they will give you nothing, and they will begin to act cruelly toward you.
Joe Ross
Why?
Jimmy Dell
To suppress their guilt.
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Nostalgia for Home and Community
George Banks
We live in a small town in Southern California called San Marino. I love this town, and not just because it's the kind of place where people still smile at each other but because it hasn't changed much in the past twenty-five years. And since I'm not a guy who's big on change, this town fits me like a glove. I got Annie's ten-speed all cleaned up and polished. New seat, new tires...I couldn't wait to show it to her. This is our house. 24 Maple Drive. Annie was just in grammar school when we bought it. A few years later, we got a surprise package: our son, Matt. I love this house. I love that I taught my kids to ride their bikes in the driveway. I love that I slept with them in tents in the backyard. I love that we carved our initials in the tree out front. This house is warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and looks spectacular with Christmas lights. It's a great house. I never want to move. But the thing I think I like best about this house are the voices I hear when I walk through the door.
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Economical Movie Outing with Family
George Banks
Now, going to the movies. That'll be economical: one child, two seniors. Thanks.
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A Humorous Take on American Aspirations
Jimmy Dell
Do the American thing.
Joe Ross
What's that?
Jimmy Dell
Marry a rich widow.
Joe Ross
We used to say, a nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
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Awkward Timing with the Ex-Husband
Adam Schaffer
Here comes your ex-husband. Uh-oh, not the best time to be feeling groovy!
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A Misunderstood Birthday Delivery
Newton Davis
Don't you remember the time I... I... I had myself delivered to you in a box for your birthday? And... and the guy I paid to deliver the box screwed up and delivered me to the wrong apartment? And... and how the... the lady who opened the box... uh... freaked out and started screaming? And I ran out of there just as you poked your head into the hall. And... and the next thing I know, this one's bashing me for having an affair with her neighbor, and this one's bashing me for being some kind of gift-wrapped pervert? And... and all I had to protect myself was... was a dozen roses. And... and... and you never even read the note.
Bus Driver
What did the note say?
Newton Davis
I... I'll tell you what it said... it said... marry me, Gwen, I'm lost without you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Choosing the Perfect Gifts for You
Navin R. Johnson
I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!
[singing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observations on Character Through Living Spaces
Navin R. Johnson
What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person. What do I do with this? Oh, you keep it there. Where's your garbage?
[in Patty the bike rider's trailer; holding Patty's helmet; Patty tosses it on the bed.; Patty throws Navin's corn dog aside and lies on the bed.]
Patty Bernstein
You know what I'd like to do?
Navin
What?
Patty
Guess your weight.
Navin
Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess my weight! You see, I guess their weight so it's sort of a—
Patty
Put your arms up.
Navin
This will give me a whole different perspective on this. Hey! You're really trying to be accurate! Is it getting hot in here? Wait a minute! What's happening to my "special purpose"?
[Patty gropes his buttocks]
Patty
What's your special purpose?
Navin
Well, when I was a kid my mom told me: there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what that special purpose was!
Patty
Today's the day!
Navin
Hey, this is like a ride!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nostalgia and Emotion in a Dress
Navin R. Johnson
Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie Johnson
Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin
What was it?
Marie
The Way We Were.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Essentials and Declaring Independence
Navin R. Johnson
Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. Well, I don't need my dog.
[picks up an ashtray; picks up chair; picks up magazine; walking outside; Shithead growls at him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Illusion of Wealth and Equality
Jimmy Dell
You now have a Swiss bank account if anybody asks. Crédit Nationale Du Génève code name PADDY'. Lavish awkward gesture. All of fifteen Swiss Francs in it, but if you ever want to impress anybody, they can find out you have a Swiss account. But, Swiss law prohibits the bank from revealing the balance. Thus are all men made equal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lucky Day's Colorful Insult to Enemies
Lucky Day
Well you slime eating dogs, you scum-sucking pigs, you sons of a motherless goat!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unpleasant Childhood Encounter with a Clown
Edwina Cutwater
Once, my parents hired a clown to entertain me. But he didn't like me! So when my parents were in the room, he'd just sit there, and didn't lift a finger to amuse me!
[Tearfully]
Roger Cobb
That's a terrible clown.
[Appalled]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recognition in Unlikely Places
Navin R. Johnson
First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
George Banks on Franck's Name Appeal
George Banks
Franck Banks - has sort of a continental ring to it.
[''talking about his baby's name'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication in a Crucial Moment
Roger Cobb
You'll have to do it.
Edwina Cutwater
Do what?
Roger Cobb
You know, take it out.
Edwina Cutwater
Take what out?
Roger Cobb
The little fireman.
Edwina Cutwater
The little fireman?
Roger Cobb
You know, my penis.
Edwina Cutwater
How dare you say penis to a dead person.
Roger Cobb
Listen lady, if you don't give Ed some big air, he's gonna piss all over your half of my body!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Within the Schmaltz Family
George Banks
What are we, the Schmaltz family?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams of Wealth and Adventure
Dusty Bottoms
Hey, Lucky, what are you gonna do with your share of the money?
Lucky Day
A car. A big, shiny silver car. I'll drive all over Hollywood. Show Flugleman a thing or two. What about you?
[thinks]
Dusty Bottoms
New York. Maybe Paris. Champagne. Parties. I'll be a big shot for a while.
Lucky Day
Yeah.
Dusty Bottoms
How about you, Ned?
Ned Nederlander
I'm gonna start a foundation to help homeless children.
Dusty Bottoms
That occurred to me to do that at one point, too.
[he and Lucky realize how selfless that is compared to their ideas]
Lucky Day
Well, I meant that I would do that first, and then I would get a big shiny car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Employment and Payment
Harry Hartounian
Boy, get to work in there!
Navin R. Johnson
But sir, I don't even work here.
Harry
Not even for a dollar ten an hour?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clouseau Questions Bizu About Yves Gluant
Clouseau
You are the soccer player known as Bizu?!
Bizu
Yes.
Clouseau
You are acquainted with Yves Gluant?!
Bizu
I'm glad he's pushing up daisies.
Clouseau
e is not pushing up daisies. e is dead!
Bizu
It's an idiom!
Clouseau
You, sir, are the idiom. Now, unless you want to spend ze rest of your life in prison, you will answer ze next question: did you kill him?!
Bizu
I would have loved to have killed him.
Clouseau
Duh!
Bizu
But, some lucky bastard beat me to it.
Clouseau
You disgust me! I'll be right back. Cigarette?
[Clouseau leaves, closing the door behind him, but immediately opens it again.]
Bizu
No. Thanks.
Clouseau
Good for you. Bizu, I know you didn't do it. Someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
Bizu
You'll help me?
Clouseau
Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who could have done this terrible thing?
Bizu
His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Clouseau
Raymond Larocque, the casino owner!
Bizu
Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.
Clouseau
Bizu, I like you. I am going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.
Inspector Clouseau
Ze good-cop, bad-cop routine is working perfectly!
Ponton
You know, usually, two different cops do that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Life's Answers Found in Movies
Davis
That's part of your problem: you haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bathroom Request in Conversation
Freddy Benson
Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
[Sitting at the dinner table]
Lawrence Jamieson
Of course you may.
Freddy Benson
Thank you.
[after a long pause, and with relief]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Class and Opportunity in Environmental Exploitation
Roger Cobb
Look, lady. Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers; I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity.
[After Edwina has called him a 'peasant']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Birthday Gift Reflection
Roger Cobb
You bought me a gravestone for my thirty-eighth birthday?!
[To his girlfriend]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Life's Meaninglessness
Harris K. Telemacher
Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inspector Clouseau Introduces Himself to Vainqueur
Vainqueur
You wanted to see me?
Clouseau
You are Vainquer?
Vainqueur
Yes. And who are you?
Clouseau
I am Inspector Clouseau. Per'aps you ave eard of me.
Vainqueur
No.
Clouseau
Don't write that down!
[notices Ponton taking notes]
Vainqueur
What do you want?
Clouseau
I am told that Bizu hated Gluant.
Vainqueur
A lot of people hated Gluant.
Clouseau
Did you?
Vainqueur
I spent six years under his thumb, being verbally abused every day. Yes, I was not a fan of Yves Gluant.
Clouseau
And now e is dead... and you have his job. How ironic.
Vainqueur
Not every death is a tragedy.
Ponton
And, what was the-
Clouseau
Footsteps. Its a young woman. 30 to 35 years old. 5"2, 5"4. Brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. She has on... Chanel number 5. .
[''sniffs air''; The footsteps are shown to be those of Yuri, the team trainer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Immaturity in a Group Setting
Lucky Day
You were supposed to fire up! We both fired UP! It's like living with a six-year-old.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Making Reservations Amidst Chaos
Harris K. Telemacher
Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.
[calling the restaurant]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Illusion of a Kiss
Harris K. Telemacher
Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement About Nothing and Self-Importance
Harry Hartounian
Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson
Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity — your name in print — that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
Madman
Johnson, Navin R. Sounds like a typical bastard.
[thumbing through phone book at home]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Character's Frustration with Company Dynamics
Peter Sanderson
You are such an ass... (drinks water) ... set to this company.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Reflection in Adversity
Navin R. Johnson
Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin on the porch with my family, singin and dancin down in Mississippi.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.