T

Thora Birch Quotes

Actor

Memorable Quotes from Thora Birch

29 quotes
Ghost World
Discussion on Sexual Frustration and Self-Discovery
Enid Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
Rebecca And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?
Ghost World
Contemplating the Waiting Man's Reality
Rebecca Oh, look, there he is.
Enid As always.
Rebecca Waiting for the bus that never comes.
Enid I wonder if he's just totally insane or he really thinks the bus is coming?
Rebecca Why don't you just ask him?
Enid Hi. What's your name?
Norman Norman.
Enid Are you waiting for a bus?
Norman Yes.
Enid I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.
Norman You don't know what you're talking about.
American Beauty
Teenage Curiosity and Bold Claims
Angela And then he just pulled down his pants, you know, like say hello to ].
[[w:human penis|Mr. Happy]
Teenage girl #1 Gross.
Angela It wasn't gross. It was kind of cool.
Teenage girl #2 So did you do it with him?
Angela Of course I did! He's a really well-known photographer. He shoots for ] on like, a regular basis. It would've been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
[[w:Elle (magazine)|Elle]
Teenage girl #1 You are a total prostitute.
Angela Hey, that's how things really are. You just don't know cause you're this pampered little suburban chick.
Teenage girl #1 So are you! You've only been in ] once, and you looked fat, so stop acting like you're god damn ]!
[[w:Seventeen (magazine)|Seventeen; [w:Christy Turlington|Christy Turlington; ''Makes a stop-telling-lies-and-grow-up face and then walks away with friend'']
Angela Cunt! I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me!
[''To the two teenage girls''; ''To self'']
Jane Burnham Oh, my God! That's the pervert who filmed me last night!
[''Sees Ricky getting dropped off at school and points at him'']
Angela Hayes Him? Jane. No way. He's a total lunatic!
Jane Burnham You know him?
Angela Hayes Yeah. We were on the same lunch shift when I was in ninth grade, and he would always say the most random, weird things, and then one day, he was just like, gone. And then, Connie Cardullo told me he his parents had to put him in ].
[[w:Psychiatric hospital|a mental institution]
Jane Burnham Why? What did he do?
Angela Hayes What do you mean?
Jane Burnham Well, they can't put you away just for saying weird things.
Angela Hayes You total slut. You've got a crush on him!
[''Stares at Jane, realizes and then breaks out in a teasing smile'']
Jane Burnham What?! Please!
Angela Hayes You were defending him! You love him! You want to have like, ten thousand of his babies!
Jane Burnham Shut up.
[''Realizes Ricky is suddenly standing in front of her'']
Ricky Fitts Hi. My name's Ricky. I just moved next door to you.
Jane Burnham I know. I kinda remember this really creepy incident when you were filming me last night?
Ricky Fitts I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting.
[''Angela shoots a wide-eyed look at Jane, oblivious to her'']
Jane Burnham Thanks, but I really don't need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.
Ricky Fitts I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.
[''Looks at her intently, Jane looks away, Ricky smiles and then walks off'']
Angela Hayes What a freak. And why does he dress like ]
[[w:Mormon missionary|a Bible salesman?]
Jane Burnham He's like, so confident. That can't be real.
Angela Hayes I don't believe him. I mean, he didn't even like, look at me once.
Ghost World
The Quintessential 50s Diner Experience
Josh Aren't there a million places like this?
[at Wowsville]
Enid No. This is the ultimate. It's, like, the ] of fake 50s diners.
[[w:Taj Mahal|Taj Mahal]
Ghost World
Speculating on a Neighbor's Private Life
Enid I bet he's in there jerking off.
Rebecca I bet he never jerks off.
Enid Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.
Rebecca Should we leave a note?
Enid Yeah. You got a pen?
Rebecca Yeah.
[pulls out a pen]
Enid Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore, you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber.
[takes a tag left on Josh's door handle and starts writing on it, leaning on Rebecca's back; puts it back on Josh's door handle]
Rebecca You're gonna leave that?
Enid Why not?
Ghost World
A Tense Encounter Between Friends
John Well, well, well. If it isn't Enid and Rebecca—the little Jewish girl and her Aryan friend.
Enid You're late, asshole.
John Fine, and how are you?
Enid Did you bring the tape?
John You never paid me for that tape of the Indian dance routine.
[shows her the videotape but pulls it away when she tries to take it]
Enid Yes, I did.
John You Jews are so clever with money.
Enid Fuck you! You stupid redneck hick.
[snatches the tape off him]
Ghost World
Exploring Personal Ads and Unexpected Connections
Rebecca You should check out the personals. Maybe our future husbands are trying to contact us.
Enid Here we go. "Windsurfing doctor, Mensan IQ, maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the clubs, make each other laugh.
Rebecca You can have that one.
Enid Jesus, listen to this one. "Do you remember me, airport shuttle, June 7? You, striking blond with yellow dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes. I was the bookish fellow in the green cardigan who helped you find your contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we have a moment?
Rebecca God, that's so pathetic. I mean, she probably didn't even notice him.
Enid I know, and he's, like, psychotically obsessing over every little detail.
Rebecca We should call him and pretend to be the blond.
Enid Oh, we totally have to.
Ghost World
Feeling Overlooked in Conversation
Todd Hey, Rebecca.
Rebecca Oh, hi.
Todd So, we finally—
Enid What about me? Am I not even here?
Todd Hey. Hey, Enid. So, we finally made it, huh?
[turns back to Rebecca]
Rebecca Yeah.
Todd So, uh, where are you... uh, where are you gonna go to college?
Enid We're not.
Todd Really? Both of you? Why not?
Enid Just because.
Rebecca Yeah, we made other plans.
Todd I guess I should have figured that you two would do something different.
Enid So, Todd, what are you gonna be when you grow up?
Todd Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration and thinking of minoring in Communications, so—
Enid See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid. Look at this. Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh?
[pulls Rebecca away]
Rebecca Oh, God. How perfect.
Enid He'd better watch out or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Ghost World
Graduation Excitement Among Friends
Melorra Oh, my God. You guys, I can't believe we made it!
Enid Yeah. We graduated high school. How totally amazing.
[deadpan]
Ghost World
Friendship and Jealousy Among Young Women
Enid God, what a dork.
Rebecca You're just jealous.
Enid Trust me, at this point, I'm past the fact that every single guy likes you better than me.
Rebecca Oh, face it. You just hate every single guy on the face of the earth.
Enid That's not true. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers.
Ghost World
Naming a Waiter in Ghost World
Weird Al Hi. My name is Allen and I'll be your waiter this afternoon.
Enid Hi, Al.
Rebecca Can we call you "]"?
[["Weird Al" Yankovic|Weird Al]
Weird Al I'd imagine so.
Ghost World
The Irony of Bad Entertainment
Rebecca Wow. This is so bad, it's almost good.
[arriving at the graduation ball]
Enid This is so bad, it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Ghost World
Misunderstanding a Milkshake for Milk
Enid Oh, my God. He just ordered a giant glass of milk.
[spying on Seymour from across the diner]
Josh That's a vanilla milkshake.
Ghost World
Contrasting Opinions on Attraction and Idiocy
Rebecca Hey, you see that guy over there?
Enid Which one?
Rebecca The blond guy over there. He gives me, like, a total boner.
[Enid spots him and rolls her eyes]
Enid He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time.
Reggae fan You guys up for some reggae tonight?
[walking past with his friends]
Rebecca OK, you're right.
[after Enid lifts her hand, as if to say "See what I mean?"]
Ghost World
Unexpected Price at the Garage Sale
Garage sale woman How much for this dress?
Rebecca God, I can't believe you're selling that.
Enid That's $500.
Garage sale woman What?
Enid 500.
Garage sale woman You're crazy. It should be, like, $2.
Enid I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.
Garage sale woman Well, why do I care about that?
Enid Well, why do you want it? I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway.
Garage sale woman God! Fuck you!
[tosses the dress back over the rack and walks off]
Rebecca So now are you gonna get a regular job?
Ghost World
Comedian's Peculiar Life and Its Perception
Rebecca Oh, it's that comedian I was telling you about.
[turns up the volume on her television, which is showing an odd-looking man performing stand-up comedy]
Joey McCobb ...I still live with my mother people think I'm peculiar.
[on the TV]
Rebecca He's the absolute worst.
Joey McCobb So what if she's been dead for fifteen years?
Rebecca See? That's barely even a joke.
Joey McCobb Well, it's like I always say—take my life... please.
TV announcer Joey McCobb, the weirdest man in show business.
Enid If he's so weird, how come he's wearing ]? Joey McCobb is our god.
[[w:Nike, Inc.|Nikes; switches the TV off]
Rebecca I want to do him.
Enid I bet. Actually, he kind of reminds me of that one guy you went out with, Larry. God, what look was he going for, a gay tennis player from the 40s?
Rebecca Fuck you.
Enid You dated him.
Ghost World
The Desire to Disappear
Enid You know what my number-one fantasy used to be?
Seymour What?
Enid I used to think about one day, just not telling anyone and going off to some random place. And I'd just... disappear. And they'd never see me again. Do you ever think about stuff like that?
Seymour I guess I probably did when I was your age.
Enid You know what we should do? We should just get in your car right now and just drive off. Just find some totally new place and start a whole new life. Fuck everybody.
Seymour I'm, uh, I'm not in any good condition to drive.
Enid I'm serious! I'm just so sick of everybody. Why can't I just do what I want?
Seymour What do you want?
Enid What do you want? Don't you like me?
[a pause. They look into each other's eyes]
Ghost World
Critique of Social Expectations and Change
Enid God, what a bunch of retards.
[coming out of their high school graduation ceremony]
Rebecca God, I know. I thought that chipmunk face was never gonna shut up.
Enid I know. I liked her so much better when she was an alcoholic crack addict. She gets in one car wreck and all of the sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and everyone loves her.
Ghost World
Workplace Tension Over Sales Techniques
Cineplex manager What the hell is wrong with you?
Enid What? I was just joking around with the customers. It's my schtick.
Cineplex manager Well, lose it. And why aren't you pushing the larger sizes? Didn't you get training about upsizing?
Enid Yeah, but I feel really weird. It's pretty sleazy.
Cineplex manager It's not optional!
[leaves her]
Enid Jesus.
[rolls her eyes]
Customer Hi. Can I get a medium ]?
[[w:7 Up|7 Up]
Enid Medium? Why, sir, do you not know that for a mere 25 cents more, you could purchase a large beverage? And you know, I'm only telling you this because we're such good friends. Medium is really only for suckers who don't know the concept of value.
Ghost World
Contrasting Opinions on a Quirky Character
Enid It was so cute how he had his own little bags. I thought I was going to start crying.
[about Seymour's garage sale]
Rebecca Yeah, he should totally just kill himself. Oh, here's one. Oh, but you have to share with a "non-smoking feminist and her two cats.
[looking through the classified ads in a newspaper]
Enid I don't know. I kind of like him. He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate. In a way, he's such a clueless dork, he's almost kind of cool.
Rebecca That guy is many things, but he's definitely not cool.
Ghost World
Wishing for Beer During a Movie Discussion
Customer Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
Enid I wish. Actually, you wish. After about five minutes of this movie, you're gonna wish you had ten beers.
Monkey Trouble
A Conversation About Money and Priorities
Charlie I need a word with ya, pal.
Shorty Who is you? I'm busy.
Charlie Too busy to make $50,000?
Shorty Show's over, folks!
Drake I want my gold watch! Put it here.
Shorty Which one?
Drake Which one"?
Charlie Drake! This ape is a genius!
Drake Is it true you do burglaries with that little ape?
Shorty True? That's what we do best. Is that how I'm gonna make fifty grand?
Drake We'll talk about that later. First, we need a little demonstration, free of charge.
Eva But Dad, Katie has a dog. Jesse has a dog. Catherine has a dog. Billy has a dog. Even Maya has a dog.
Tom Then you can be special and not have a dog.
Eva Very funny, Dad.
[She is beaten momentarily, but she won't–––can't––give up hope. She taps the intercom button as her father does cramming bits and pieces of her clothing into her weekend bag]
Eva Dad, look! Isn't he adorable?
[She beams]
Tom Hi, Peter. C'mon in!
Eva Scram, Jack!
Eva Are you deaf? I said, stay out!
Eva Dad? I'm ready for you!
Eva That's me. That's you...
Tom And who's this?
Eva That's our rottweiler, Dad. Best dog in the world.
Tom Eva, airline pilots don't have dogs. We travel too much.
Eva No problemo. If you're flying, he could stay here with me.
Tom Darling, how many times do you have to hear it? You can't keep a dog here.
Eva It's not my fault if he's allergic to animal hair.
Tom It's not his fault, either.
Eva The only fashion he's not allergic to is Mum. And Jack.
Peter C'mon, be reasonable. If you want a pet, you have to do it in stages. You start off with a clam, then a goldfish, then a turtle....
Eva Then a rottweiler.
Shorty You see? I warned yous! I trained him to pick gold, jewelry, cash, silver!
Shorty It's a monkey, not an appraiser. Well, whaddya say?
Drake This is perfect for the Marlow gig. Anything goes wrong, only a monkey'll be there to take the heat. He has to love it.
Shorty Who's "he"? Just warn me what you need me to do. I won't let you down, I promise. Whaddya need me to do?
Charlie Take it easy. First, we have to run it among the boss.
Drake Charlie, let's give him a down payment. I have a hunch we're gonna do business with this guy.
Charlie I had it, Drake, I––
Drake Smart little guy! There's your advance, keep it!
Eva My school nurse said people can get over allergies. Sometimes having a dog around makes your body get used to it.
Amy Tom's allergy is not the only reason.
Amy You're not responsible enough to care for a dog. You don't do anything I ask, your room is a disaster area, you never get anything finished on time...
Amy Throw this in the kitchen, please.
Eva No, stank you.
Amy If you can't even deal with a dirty diaper, how are you going to clean up after a dog?
Eva Because I'd be doing it for my own puppy.
Amy Here, do this for your own brother.
Eva Do I have to? I'm eating. He can hold it himself.
Amy But a dog can't feed himself. You'd "have to" do it twice a day.
Eva I know.
Amy Would you give up watching your favorite TV shows since the dog had to be walked?
Amy Eva, listen...
Amy If you're so sure you can handle it, then convince us. Help out around here a little more, pick up after yourself......
Eva And then if I––––
Tom Amy, look!
[He points to Jack, who is silently doing the hand motions of "Itsy Bitsy Spider"]
Eva Down came the rain, and washed the brother out!
Amy Your brother loves you so much, Eva.
Eva Well, fine. I just don't want you to love him so much. You think everything he does is so...precious. I hate him, he's a nerd.
Amy Don't you remember how emotional you've had if I warned you I was pregnant?
Eva It sounded cool since Tom said I was getting a half-brother, but then an entire one showed up instead.
Amy Warn you what. Why don't I pack his bag right now? I'll leave him on the street tonight, and let's hope someone really nice finds him and takes brief care of him.
Eva C'mon, Mum...just shoot him.
Shorty She even took my freaking food!
[The tacky trailer has been stripped clean––kitchen shelves, cabinets and all]
Shorty The little jerk's gone. She left and took him with her––because of you. She hated you and your stinking mess, and she hated me for keeping you around!
Amy Eva, c'mon, get dressed!
Eva Everything looks disgusting on me.
Amy Do we have to do this every single morning? You're already late, and you know Paul isn't going to wait. Look at this mess!
Amy Now get moving. And I'm leaving the rest of this stuff right here for you to put away if you get home.
Eva Mum, have you been crying?
Eva No, I'm just tired. I––I couldn't sleep last night.
Paul Mrs. Gregory? If she's not down in two moments, I'm going without her.
[Eva hears every word––now she really has to hustle]
Amy Why do you do this to me? You knew Paul wouldn't wait for you, and now I have to walk you to school.
[She pushes Eva out the front door of the apartment building]
Amy Eva, that's enough! I said no!
Annie Good morning, Eva!
Jesse Well, this is my dog, Toto.
Eva Do you feed him? Do you walk him? Do you clean up his poop?
Jesse Well, actually, my mum does most of that stuff.
Eva Then he's not really yours.
Jesse Wanna bet? He is so mine.
Eva Only until your parents decide he's a big agony and get rid of him.
Jesse They're not getting rid of him!
Christine Eva, please, wait! It's Jesse's time to speak. Do you want us to pay attention to you tomorrow if it's your turn?
Eva Tomorrow? I can't do it tomorrow! I forgot–––I'm not ready.
Christine That's what you've been saying all month, Eva. You have to learn to be more organized, to follow a schedule. Go ahead, Jesse.
Katie Don't worry. You could always bring your baby brother.
Eva My brother? Yuck. Forget it.
Drake Shorty, this is Drake.
Drake Looks like your monkey has a job. Call me as soon as you get in. The boss wants to meet you.
Coach Boylan, whaddya you think you're doing here?
Eva She shoved me first!
Sally I did not! I never touched her!
Eva You did so, you liar!
Sally I did not, you troublemaker!
Coach Alright, Boylan, that's it! Take a time-out!
Eva Help, please... Help...
[She manages to squeak]
Kaye Oh, Harold, look at that little monkey! Isn't it precious?
Harold That's quite a pet you've had there, young lady. Isn't that some pet, Kaye? Does it bite?
[He turns to the woman]
Eva I hope not!
Kaye He's so soft!
Harold Wherever did you get an adorable monkey like this?
Eva He...ah...in the Caribbean––from some pirates!
Eva Well, you know, retired pirates. They have a restaurant now.
Harold What's his name?
Eva His name? Uh...Dodger! Because he likes the hat!
[She bites her lip]
Eva Do you know you look like a monkey like Santa Claus with a sack complete with goodies?
[She smirks. What is the little guy up to?]
Eva Hey, you frightened him! Dodger, are you alright?
Eva Hey, little dude. You're so cute! Did you run away from the zoo or the circus or something? Why did you come to me like that? My name is Eva. Do you need a friend?
Eva Alright, now you're mine.
[She slips him into the knapsack]
Eva This is my room. You can stay here with me, but we can't let anyone see you, or they won't let me keep you. You're my secret, alright?
Amy Eva?
Amy Sure, you're cleaning up. Want a snack or something?
Eva Whew! That was close. I mean, if she had seen you––
Eva What's wrong? What are you doing here? Are you trying to warn me something? You...ah...you...need to go pee.
[She pauses, trying to think]
Eva Gross! Dodger, you can't do that!
Eva Naughty, Dodger! Naughty. No pee-pee on floor! Naughty!
Eva Pee-pee here. Yes! Poo-poo here. Sure. And then look...
Tom Eva? Katie on the phone for you!
Eva I'm in the bathroom. I'll call her later!
Tom I've had the phone here, take it!
Eva I can't, I'm on the toilet! On the toilet!
[She tries to motion Dodger to jump onto the toilet seat]
Mark What have you done?
Shorty Don't you dare speak to me like that.
Mark How did you find us? She knows you're here, she'll murder you.
Shorty I'm not after her.
Woman Who is this?
Mark It's nobody!
Mark You were always a nobody.
Shorty Where's my monkey?
Mark You don't know?
Woman Who are you speaking to there?
Mark I'm speaking to myself!
Shorty Is the monkey here or ain't he?
Mark Of course not. She'd never let me keep him around. What just happened, you lost him? I can't believe it! You lost him!
[He gives his father a look]
Shorty I didn't lose him, I just can't find him!
Shorty Warn that ungrateful two-timing mother of yours that the nobody is becoming somebody. Here, get yourself new sneakers.
[He peels off a bill]
Eva I can't have a litter box because they'd see it, where we have no choice. Until you learn to use the potty.
Eva You don't like it?
Tessa Dinner's ready.
[She wears a vampire shade of lipstick that matches her recently dyed hair and a bored expression on her face]
Eva It says "Do Not Disturb" on the door! Can't you at least knock? I'll be there in a sec.
Tessa You'll be there now, Eva.
Amy Eva, Mr. Flynn called to say you closed the elevator on his dog's nose and didn't let them in on purpose.
Eva I had to, Mum! If that dumb dog has hair all over me, just think how hard it would have been for Tom's allergy.
Tom As that is, I've been sneezing all afternoon.
Eva You see?
Amy Nice girl!
Tom Eva. It's for you, Katie.
Eva Can you keep a secret? I mean, really swear to keep it? No, I don't have a crush on anybody. This is a real secret, Katie!
Eva Oh, my heavens! I have to go. I'll warn you tomorrow at school!
Tom What are you doing here?
Eva Why, what's wrong?
Tom I need the phone, and your mum wants you back at the table.
Jack Whaa-haa-haa.
Eva Shut up, Jack! Shut up and eat!
Amy One little monkey, jumping on the bed. He fell over and bumped his head. Mama called–––
[sings]
Eva Please, wait! I hate all these rhymes!
Amy Eva, what's the matter with you? Jack loves them.
Eva I'm sorry, sing all you want. I'll go eat in my room for some peace and silence. Excuse me from the table, please.
Eva Good morning, Mum.
Amy You cleaned up! You dressed, you––
Eva I'm supposed to learn responsibility, remember? Let's have some breakfast––I'm starved!
Amy Something's up with Eva. Last night she gave up her favorite show to do her homework. As I went to wake her up this morning, she was already washed and dressed. At breakfast, she asked how Jack was thinking about on his toilet training. She was real curious about how I'm teaching him. Then she made her own lunch, with two bananas and an extra sandwich...
Tom Sounds like she met a guy. That would explain the two bananas and the extra sandwich.
Amy Right. And she's teaching this "guy" to use the potty?
Annie A capuchin! Where did you get it?
Eva What the? Capu-what?
Annie Isn't it a capuchin?
Eva I wish it is. My, um, my father brought him from the Caribbean. He's had it from a pirate. There's one fashion he isn't sure of. Is he going to grow up to be as big as a gorilla?
Annie Oh, dear! I'd say he's probably completely grown now.
Eva Whew! I, ah...it's supposed to be like a surprise present for my mum, but my dad wants me to train him first. And since I know this place is safe because my mum will never, ever come in here––could you keep him while I'm at school?
Annie Of course! I'd love to.
Annie What a grand surprise for your mum. Can you imagine her face if she sees it?
Eva No, and I don't really want to.
Katie Eva! We've all been waiting to hear the news! What's going on?
Eva News? It's not news, it's a secret!
Girls We won't warn anybody! Promise!
Katie Go ahead, go inside! You can't listen to our secret!
Katie Now you can warn me. What is this? I won't warn, I swear!
Eva Katie, I can't. If I warn you, and you warn even one other person, it could ruin everything.
Katie Ruin what? Perhaps I can help you. I'm your best friend.
Eva Help me? I warned you I had a secret and you warned the entire class!
Katie You're not my friend anymore.
Eva Grand best friend, Katie.
Shorty That's right, it's a very....ah...expensive brown capuchin trained to aid the quadriplegic. We assume the zoo would be the logical place to report a lost monkey, where I wanted to make sure yiz, ah, yous, ah...you, you knew where to reach me. Yes, I'm Dr. Benjamin Stevenson, 555-1232. This is my beeper number, then please don't hesitate to call, day or night.
Shorty Would you mind if I tackled these up around the park?
Park Attendant Be my guest.
Christine Rough day?
Christine I'll see you tomorrow, Eva.
Eva Wait here a moment, alright?
Eva He missed me!
Annie He was a very big hit around here. All the customers fell in love with him. The funniest stuff is how he loves the cash register. I couldn't keep him aside from it. He thinks it's the biggest toy in the world.
[She grins appreciatively; She pauses as Eva packs Dodger into the knapsack]
Eva Do you have any books about monkeys like this?
Annie No, we don't. Try the library. You know, the one down the street?
Eva Grand idea! See you tomorrow!
Eva Capuchins live in tropical forests. They eat fruit, dry seeds, eggs, insects, spiders––ew––small animals such as lizards––yuck!
Eva From now on, I'm putting you a low-yuck diet. No more lizards and no more spiders.
Eva At birth, capuchins depend on their mothers for food, protection and transportation. The females in the social group may mate with different males. Members may leave and new members join in.
[She glances proudly across the room at Dodger. So far, she has been doing a nice job as Dodger's mama]
Eva We're not different at all!
Eva Like all New York monkeys, capuchins are at home in areas rich with trees. They spend most of their time up in the branches.
Eva Monkeys can use their tail to grasp branches, swing and climb. Their feet are larger and more powerful than their hands.
Eva He's alright. He won't rat on us. He can't speak.
Eva Want to meet somebody? Wait.
Eva Don't worry. This is my brother, Jack. Jack, this is Dodger.
Eva Isn't he cute? You see, he's wearing diapers like you. You guys play while I do reading.
Amy Tom! Come here, come see this!
Tom Boy! What have we done right?
Amy This is major. Whoopee!
Tom Oh, I meant to ask you. This guy that you're going out with––
Tom I mean your boyfriend. Excuse me, this little pal at school, who you always make the extra lunch for...
Tom Does he have a dog?
Eva I don't know who you're speaking about.
Tom Hello, is this Pest Terminator?
Eva Why are you calling a pet terminator?
Tom Pest Terminator, Eva, pest. I haven't stopped sneezing in weeks. We must have rats.
Eva Rats, exactly! I meant to warn you––I wish I saw one, or heard one, in the walls or the ceilings. I certainly think we have rats.
Eva Did you see the rat guys?
Tessa What the? Rat Guys? Must be a new band, because I never heard of them.
Eva Can they warn if it's not rats?
Eva Listen to me! Do these guys work on weekends? They can't, right?
Tessa You're right, I can't work this weekend. I'm going to four concerts, and you're going to your dad's!
Eva Oh, my heavens! My dad! One on one for two entire days!
Eva Annie, I...I have to go to my dad's this weekend, and...
Annie How grand! You won't have to concern about hiding Dodger, right?
Eva Right.
Tessa Want to go to the park?
Eva Where am I going to hide him? How can I leave him here? What should I warn Dad? How can I change this? Who can I give him to?
Tessa Eva! Your father's on the phone!
Tessa Eva! Did you hear me?
Eva I'm coming!
Eva I have to stay calm.
Eva Thanks, pal. I'll be alright.
Eva Hey, perhaps I shouldn't be alright. I'm sick! Toxic! Temperature of 104!
Eva Hello, Dad?
Peter Darling, what's wrong? You sound awful.
Eva I feel awful.
Peter Well then, perhaps I don't have such hard news after all.
Eva Hard news? What hard news?
Peter I was calling to say I can't see you this weekend.
Peter They switched my flight schedule just a few hours ago. I'm already at the airport. I have to be in Vancouver until Monday. Anyhow, if you're so sick––––
Eva I'm feeling better, thanks.
Peter Darling, I'll make it up to you, I mean it.
Eva Don't be upset, Dad. I love you!
Peter I love you, as well. Now hang up and let me leave a message for your mum.
Electronic Voice Thursday. Five fifteen P.M.
Electronic Voice I will erase your messages.
Katie Hello?
Eva Katie, it's me.
Katie I'm not speaking to you.
Eva Who cares? I need to speak to your mother.
Amy What's the stuff for the weekend?
Eva I'm going to Dad's.
Amy Tessa warned me he called, but I didn't find a message.
Eva I handled everything. He said he'll be waiting for me. And, Mum? Katie said they're going to the beach, where they could drop me off if you want.
[Boy, has she ever]
Amy I'll call Missie after dinner.
Tessa You're a cool little babe, you know that?
Tessa What's the matter with you guys? You're so silent.
Katie Perhaps we don't have anything to say to each other.
Eva Do you swear?
Eva Are you ready? Don't shriek.
Tessa That's more like it. Now go back to your seats and put on your seat belts.
Eva He's here, you see? Must be waiting for me in the backyard.
Tessa Just do me a favor, Eva. Make sure he's there and then come out and give us a wave.
Eva Okey-dokey!
[She disappears behind the house. She reappears seconds later, giving them a thumbs-up sign and a cheery wave]
Katie Thanks for the ride!
Eva Perfect.
Eva Except I don't have a key. Dodger, we're in danger.
Eva Two entire days alone, free to play and do anything we want––and I blew it!
Eva He's totally trying to get us in!
Eva Dodger! Open up!
Eva Dad? My dad locked me out by mistake.
[She smirks in embarrassment at the neighbor]
Eva Open the door!
Eva You're unreal!
Eva I forgot the alarm!
Eva Let go, I can't see!
Eva He punches numbers, but which ones? Why don't I ever pay attention to the reluctant nonsense in life?
Eva Here goes. Whew.
[She sighs and collapses against the wall. Speak about nerve-shattering experiences]
Machine This is Ned at West Tec Security. If you're there, Mr. Boylan, please pick up.
Eva Hello? Yes, we're here. Uh-huh, everything's fine. You see, my dad had to go to the bathroom until we came in, and he forgot to shut off the alarm. If you must go, you must go. Yes, I'll warn him. Thanks for checking, it's alright!
[She makes a face at Dodger; She pauses, listening, but laughs heartily]
Eva This is not as easy as I thought.
Eva Don't touch this stuff! If we break something, my dad will know somebody was here. C'mon, I'm starved!
Eva Dad didn't go shopping because he wasn't going to be here. And I didn't bring any money because I'm foolish. Foolish nonsense!
Eva Everybody on the boardwalk does it. If you don't have money, and you can't find it, you have to make it.
Eva Have you ever been on a bike before? It's fun. Ready, Freddie? Let's go make money!
Eva Boy, are you emotional? I knew you'd love it!
Eva No, Dodger, no! Down here, you don't have to hide. Hey, you're going to be the special presentation today.
Eva I'm sorry, we can't go home yet. We have to find the right spot and try to earn some money.
Eva Careful, or you'll fall down!
Drake Where have you been? You were supposed to check in, warn us how the training's going.
Shorty Does it have to be now? Training's grand–––I'm trying to get in shape myself, jogging, you see?
Drake I've had the boss breathing down my neck about this monkey stuff now. My job is on the line. I need to know I can depend on you.
Shorty I'm sorry. I didn't want ya to concern. The monkey gets a cold, nothing serious. We was training at the vet's. It's all under control.
Charlie C'mon. Let's take a walk.
[Drake takes the other, and they escort him to their limo]
Drake Yes. And then, we'll take a little ride.
Eva Dodger, I–I can't do it.
Eva Step right up, and pet this rare and beautiful monkey! He's sweet, he's neat, give yourself a treat! Don't be shy, give it a try! Come one, come all, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!
Eva No, thanks, I don't take cameras––cash only. Understand? Money.
Japanese Woman You take a picture, please?
Eva Oh, sure!
[What a dumb mistake]
Eva Step right up and see the wonderful Caribbean pirate monkey! Pet him for a quarter, pictures for a buck, rub his head and get a farewell!
Man My wallet's gone! Somebody stole my wallet!
Man There's a pickpocket in the crowd!
Abigail My earrings!
Amelia My bracelet!
Eva It's alright, we've had enough. You're brilliant, you know that? We made a fortune!
Eva Woah! Who gave you twenty bucks? They would have made a mistake! But that's not our fault, is it? Dodger, this is our lucky day! Let's go to the store and stock up on food. I'm starved!
[She chortles and snaps the twenty]
Eva Stop it! They know my dad here.
Cashier Cash, check or credit card?
Eva What? Just regular money.
Woman Little girl, can I look into your backpack?
Eva No, why not?
Woman I know her dad. He has a charge account here. I just want to see what you've had in there.
[Then she faces Eva directly]
Eva It's personal.
Woman Where's your dad?
Eva He's at the stores across the street. Can I please go now?
Man What's going on?
Woman I think this little girl has been shoplifting.
Eva I didn't steal anything!
Woman Then why don't you want me to look in your sack?
Store Manager Look, darling, we all make mistakes. All I want you to do is walk up an aisle, and if there's anything in your backpack you forgot to pay for, just leave it there. If you do, I'll forget the entire nonsense.
Eva Dodger, I have to leave you somewhere, then I'll––
Eva How could you do this to me? You made me a thief!
Eva Why did you have to do that? If they caught you, I'd have to get rid of you! Is that what you want?
Eva Don't you kiss up to me now! You have no idea what you did, do you?
Eva Yes, you should hide in here and think about what a naughty little monkey you've been!
Eva What is that? Where did you get this?
Eva You tore apart this stuff, as well?
Eva Oh, dear! This stuff is from these people on the beach! This is horrible, really horrible!
Drake The monkey will drop in here to do some shopping.
[Shorty has swallowed hard. He knows that shopping means stealing. But can he find his monkey in time? Drake and Charlie have their own doubts. They've slapped an electronic surveillance bracelet––a tracking device––on his ankle]
Charlie This is just to make sure we know where you are.
Shorty Tisa, look into my cards.
Tisa I see danger. Woman danger. She left and took her with a boy.
Shorty Yes, yes. Who cares about that? What else?
Tisa I see men. Dangerous men. Men who want to hurt you.
Shorty They want to hurt me?
Tisa They are capable of grand violence.
Shorty That's why I need to find my monkey!
Tisa A monkey? A brown-and-black one?
Shorty That's it! You see him?
Tisa I really saw him. This afternoon, heading toward Lincoln on the back of a little girl's bike.
[She nods in agreement]
Eva He's a break-in artist, as well. He knew exactly how to get into this house!
Eva In here, hide!
Eva Police!
Eva That's the kind of English you understand. You're not from the circus, you're from a gang!
Eva I bet you don't even know what "stealing" means. The books never said anything about you being a thief. You do it because somebody trained you. Whoever it was, I hate them! I'm going to un-train you. Starting tomorrow, I will dis-teach you to un-learn every single nonsense these jerks taught you!
[Dodger lays behind her, stroking her hair in a typical monkey fashion; She begins patting the monkey's head]
Eva No, Dodger! No luck! No! Absolutely not!
Eva This isn't going to be easy.
Shorty A cute little girl like that. Can you imagine? She stole from me, totally tore me off.
Woman I'm not surprised. I caught her in here yesterday trying to shoplift. My boss let her go. Didn't even warn her dad.
[She leans forward, lowering her voice]
Shorty If I knew where she lived, I'd go speak to her old man right now.
Woman I know him, he's single–––I mean, divorced. He's had a charge account here. I'll give you the address.
Eva The address is 227 Hillcrest. Hang on. Are you yet in the shower? I'm sorry, he can't pick up. He said just send the cab over. Thanks!
[Turning her head away, she bellows Dad's name; She speaks into the receiver again]
Eva What are you staring at? I'm innocent, you're the one who did it. I'm just using it to get us safely home.
Eva Let's do one last check upstairs and then we'll wait outside. C'mon!
Eva It can't be the cab guy already.
Eva Perhaps if we ignore them, we'll go away.
Hook Hello? Anybody there?
Eva You're shaking all over! Don't be so frightened.
Eva Keep silent. We'll see who it is.
Eva It's the pirate!
Hook Open up! I need to speak to you!
Eva Come down here! Hurry up! There's a man trying to get in!
Hook I'm not trying to get in. I only want to speak.
Eva Go away!
Hook Get your father, girl.
Eva He's busy.
Hook Or perhaps, he ain't there at all!
Eva We have to hide!
Hook Mr. Boylan?
Hook Oh, little girl!
[It doesn't fool Eva. He means to hurt them. She has to get Dodger to a safer hiding place]
Shorty Oh, little girl, don't be afraid. I only want to speak with ya.
Shorty Where are you, darling?
Boylan Driver, please, wait!
Eva Farewell, Dad! See you in a couple of weeks!
Driver I don't take minors. You've had money?
Eva You see? Now go!
Eva Can't you go a little faster?
Cabby How much faster?
Hook This much!
Tom Hi. Where's Peter?
Eva He, ah...you know, he was late for a date or something. Where's Mum?
Tom With Jack at Megan's festival. Did you have a nice weekend?
Eva Sure.
Tom What's this?
Eva I don't know–––how would I know? It's not mine.
Tom Alright.
Eva I'm tired.
Tom Want to watch the ball game with me? Your Dodgers are playing the Pirates.
Tom What did I say? What's wrong?
Kaye You don't look like a doctor.
Shorty What can I warn you, I've been in surgery all night. I can't rest until I find my monkey.
Harold Now, we can't be sure it was your monkey we saw. First time was right here in the park, with a little girl. Same day Mother lost her earring and I lost my wallet.
Shorty Sounds like it could be my monkey. Do you know where the girl lives?
Kaye I'm afraid we don't.
Shorty You said you saw the monkey the "first time". Where was the second time?
Harold Oh, over at the pet shop.
[He gives Shorty the address]
Eva Don't let Dodger near the cash register! I'll explain later!
Eva I did something I thought was alright. Only it turned out not to be alright, and now it's out of control. I want to undo it, but I don't know how.
Christine No matter what you've done, Eva, you have to warn your parents. Go to your mum, speak to her. Don't be afraid.
Eva I've been lying too much.
Christine Then warning the truth is the only fashion to make stuff better. And you know what? It'll make you feel better after you've warned them.
Man Store's closed. You can't come in.
Eva Who are you?
Man I'm from the laundromat next door.
Eva Where's Annie?
Man She's––she's not here, she had to go to the police station. A bit of an emergency, actually.
Eva What's going on? Is she alright?
Eva Where's my monkey?
[There is a tight feeling in her stomach]
Man Oh, dear, I don't know anything about a monkey.
Eva Annie was keeping my monkey for me!
Man All I know is that some horrible man came in and stole some stuff, got her horribly upset, and she had to run off and report it to the police.
Eva The pirate! He found us! Now he's stolen my poor little Dodger, and I'll never see him again!
Mark Where's my money?
Shorty Later, boy. Go back to the car. I don't need you right now.
[He brushes him aside]
Drake This is it, Shorty, one step away from the big score. Amigo, let's show him the demo loot.
[He looks at Charlie]
Charlie Hey, wait! Why did he do that?
Shorty C'mon, this ain't the time for joking around!
Charlie I don't get it, Drake.
Shorty You guys have a wallet? Give me a wallet.
Assistant He's ready for you guys.
Drake In a second.
Assistant Now, Drake! C'mon, Charlie.
Drake Don't move.
Eva Mum, I want to speak to you. I'm in such big danger...
Tom You bet you are!
[He holds out Eva's jewelry box, crammed to the top with jewelry, wallets, tie clips and money]
Amy Tom found this in your room! Eva, how could you have done this? Why?
Eva I've never seen this stuff before, Mum. I didn't steal anything. It's my monkey. My monkey did it.
Tom Your monkey? What monkey?
Eva He jumped down on me in the park one day! I've had him for over a month.
Amy What are you speaking about? We've never seen any monkey.
Eva Because I've been hiding him! And just the other day, I found out that he steals like a maniac! And today, I went to pick him up at the pet shop, and the pirate who trained him had taken him back! My poor Dodger....I was trying to make him stop stealing, but now...
Eva Tom, you have to help me find him!
Tom For heaven's sake, Eva, if you're going to make up a lie––
Eva But it's the truth!
Amy No! Absolutely not!
Tom Alright, let's call the pet shop.
Eva No, wait! The stuff is, the man who's there now doesn't know about my monkey, because Annie had to leave after the pirate, and––
Amy That's enough, just stop it! How could you steal from me?
[She begins to weep]
Eva I didn't, Mummy.
Tom Her antique pin, her ring. They're not in here. Where are they?
Shorty What has she done to him? Years of training, wrecked!
Tessa Of course I never saw a monkey.
Eva Because I kept him hidden in my knapsack!
[She can shout it fifty more times, and no one will believe her. She has hidden Dodger too well, Eva thinks]
Amy Peter! I'm glad you're here. Do you know anything about this?
Peter About what? I was in the neighborhood doing errands, and since I missed Eva on the weekend––
Amy Whaddya mean "missed" her?
Peter Amy, I was flying all over Canada last weekend. What's going on?
Eva Uh-oh. Dad.
Amy Where were you this weekend while your father was out of town?
Eva At his house.
Peter What? Were you down at my house since I got robbed?
Tom She stole from you, as well?
Peter Eva did?
Amy How could you have gone to your father's by yourself! What were you thinking?
Eva I just needed time alone with my monkey.
Peter What monkey?
Amy She's been stealing all over town, and now she's trying to blame it on some imaginary, invisible monkey!
Eva I'm warning you, he's real!
Amy Go to your room.
Eva But, Mum––
Amy Go and stay there until you're ready to warn us the truth!
Driver Hey, your monkey jumped off!
Jack Da?
Eva Here, Gus! I'm open!
Peter This doesn't make sense.
Tom Eva has always been so honest. I don't think she's ever lied to us before, do you?
Amy It's not just like her. I don't believe she's a thief, and she certainly wouldn't steal from me.
Tom I've had the evidence. But it doesn't add up for me, either.
Amy I just find this "monkey" very hard to believe.
Tessa Hello...Katie?
Tessa Katie, listen to me. Is it real that Eva has a monkey?
Katie Monkey? No luck, she would have warned me. No, I swear. Can I speak to her? Please, Tessa?
Tessa Katie for you.
Eva Ask her, she knows! She's seen my monkey!
Tessa I already did. She has no idea what you're speaking about.
Tom We need to decide how we're going to handle this. You have to try to get to the root of the problem. I see it happen all the time. A girl starts lying, does something wrong, next stuff you know, the parents call us to report a runaway.
Jack Daah!
Amy To Mum, Dad and Tom. I love you very much. Katie just warned me she saw my monkey in the park. I have to go rescue him. P.S.––this is not a lie. I swear. I'll never lie again, and I'll never keep a secret from you guys again.
Amy Not now.
Amy Not now, Jack! Please, wait!
Amy Wait, what?
Amy I know she's gone. I have to go look for her.
Jack M-m-m...mo-kky!
Amy What did you say?
Jack Mon-key!
Amy Peter! Tom! Hurry up!
Amy Shush! He's saying his first word.
Jack Monkey! Monkey!
[He almost jumps up and down with emotion]
Amy Don't you think he's trying to warn us something? That a monkey is here, and he saw it?
Peter This is what he's trying to warn us. Here's your monkey. Right, Jack?
[He holds the toy out to Jack]
Amy Amazing! There is a monkey! She was warning the truth!
Peter C'mon. Let's go find Eva.
Eva DODGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[echoes]
Hook What have you done to my monkey, darling?
[His grin is phony, his eyes dangerous]
Eva He's not your monkey anymore! He ran away from you because he hates you! He came to me!
Hook He came to you just because he likes children! He belongs to my son, Mark, who's around here somewhere, looking like crazy for his monkey. You stole it from him. Now, you don't want to break this poor girl's heart, do you?
Eva I don't believe you! Liar!
Hook What have you done to my monkey? You brainwashed him! He doesn't steal anymore!
Eva Are you serious?
Hook That's right. And don't pretend you ain't did it! Don't you lie to me, girl!
Eva I've quit lying! And I'm glad he doesn't steal anymore! Well done, Dodger!
Hook My monkey's name is Fingers, not Dodger! I hate the Dodgers!
Peter The monkey's getting away!
Tom Don't lose sight of him!
Tom My gun! He has my gun!
Eva He came to rescue me!
Shorty Where'd you get that gun? Drop it!
Eva C'mon, baby, drop it and run!
Shorty Easy now, Fingers! Easy there...
Amy Eva! We're here!
Eva Momma!
Eva I'm sorry! I'm very sorry about everything.
Amy Thank heavens you're safe, darling.
Peter And thank heavens this monkey exists!
Drake Get in the car.
Charlie Get in the car!
Tom Alright, pal! You're under arrest!
Shorty Thank you!
Shorty These men are murderers, they want to murder me!
Officer Lieutenant, check this out.
Eva He doesn't steal anymore! The pirate even said so. Ask him.
Amy My––how come? This is grand!
Eva Hey, Tom's not sneezing!
Tom He's been with us so long, I've probably had used to him.
Eva Can I keep him? Please? Now you know how responsible I can be––I took care of him so well, you didn't even know I had him!
Peter She has a point.
Amy Yes, I do, I really do.
Tom It's fine with me. I have to take that guy in. See you later, bucko.
[He winks at Eva]
Eva Then whaddya say? Can I keep him? Can I?
Eva He's your daddy, isn't he?
Eva I love him a lot, you know?
Boy Who cares? He belongs to me.
Amy What's going on?
Eva That's Dodger's real dad. I let Dodger choose, and he decided to go live with him. Can we go home now?
Peter Perhaps you can work something out. A joint-custody agreement...
Eva Now I know why he liked my hat. I mean, I understand. It's only fair, Dodger was his first. If I lost him, I assure you want somebody to give him back to me.
Eva I just want Dodger to be happy. I'm going to think of him and love him for the rest of my life.
Eva C'mon, don't be afraid. This is our big day!
Jack Ev-a...mon-key.
Eva E-va...Jack!
Eva I'm ready for my show-and-tell.
Ghost World
Discussion on Record Condition Standards
Paul It has a large center hole and a hair crack.
Seymour But the crack is so tight, it's completely inaudible.
Paul But a tight hair crack is just that—a crack. I don't collect cracked records. I only pay premium on mint records. Seymour, you know that. Please.
Enid So, what was all that about enlarged holes and tight cracks?
Ghost World
The End of Punk Rock Discussion
John Oh, my God. Didn't they tell you?
[noticing Enid's green hair and leather jacket]
Enid Tell me what?
John Punk rock is over.
Enid I know it's over, asshole, I'm not even—
John You really want to fuck up the system? Go to business school. That's what I'm gonna do. Get a job in some big corporation and, like, fuck things up from the inside.
Enid You know, I'm not even trying—
John Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, do you have my money?
John Oh! Oh, how punk!
Enid You know that tape sucked, by the way?
John Oh, I'm so sorry if it offended Jew.
Enid Go die, asshole!
John Get a job.
Enid God, fuck you!
Rebecca Can we go now?
Enid You know, it's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead! It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look, but I guess Johnny Fuckface over there is too stupid to realize it!
Rebecca I didn't really get it either.
Enid Everyone's too stupid!
Ghost World
A Confession Among Friends
Rebecca I want to make love to him.
[about Weird Al]
Enid I'm gonna tell him you said that.
Weird Al So nice to see you again, ladies.
[shows up to serve them]
Enid Hi, Weird Al. My friend here has—
Rebecca Shut up!
Enid She says she wants to—
Rebecca Shut up!
[covers Enid's mouth with her hand]
Ghost World
Cultural Commentary on Identity and Change
Rebecca Funky.
[making fun of Melorra]
Enid What, is she black now?
Ghost World
Discussion on Morbid Topics and Innocence
Zine-O-Phobia creep #1 Whoever told you that bullshit about boiling is out of his mind. Carpet beetles are the only way to get flesh off a corpse.
Zine-O-Phobia creep #2 I'm just telling you what he said.
Enid Don't you creeps ever talk about anything nice? Don't you ever talk about fluffy kittens or the Easter Bunny?
[having just walked into the store]
Zine-O-Phobia creep #1 Look who's talking, Little Miss Badass.
[looking at Enid's green hair and leather jacket]
Zine-O-Phobia creep #2 Yeah, nice outfit. Who are you supposed to be, ]?
[[Cyndi Lauper]
Enid Blow me, doofus.
Ghost World
Torturing a Friend for Fun
Seymour So, was that your boyfriend?
Enid Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend. He's just this guy that Becky and I like to torture.
Ghost World
Reflecting on Growth and Choices
Maxine It's really quite something to see you all grown-up like this, Enid. I'd love to know what you're doing now. I can't help but feel I had some small part in how you turned out. What are you studying? You were always such a smart little girl.
Enid I'm taking a remedial high school art class for fuck-ups and retards.