Zach GalifianakisQuotes

Ethan Tremblay: Give me a scene.

Peter Highman: Okay, I'm Julia Roberts. We are engaged to be married. You have terminal cancer. Break the news to me.

Ethan Tremblay: Julia Roberts, as you know, we are engaged to be married. I have terminal cancer.

Peter Highman: Awful, just awful. I didn't buy into that one bit.

Ethan Tremblay: I thought that was really good.

Barry: I know everything! I have laid eggs... *inside of your brain*!

Therman: Get them out of my head!

Barry: You are no longer in control of me! I control you, and you are under my power!

Barry: I know everything. And I release you!

Therman: I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding.

Bucky: $9.95.

Customer: And a jar of vaseline.

Bucky: Big night planned, do ya?

Customer: I guess so.

Bucky: The vaseline's on the house.

Sweet Stephen: You ever notice there's three types of porn?

Mr. Jack: Strangely enough, I've never given it a thought.

Sweet Stephen: [[w:Marilyn Chambers|Marilyn Chambers; [w:Rhonda Jo Petty|Rhonda Jo Petty; [w:Seka (actress)|Seka; [w:Breast implant|breast implants; [w:liposuction|liposuction] You've got your old-school smut- ], ], ]. This was before ] and ], so they really had to know how to fuck.

Customer: Thank you, Bucky.

Sweet Stephen: [[w:Ginger Lynn|Ginger Lynn; [w:Jenna Jameson|Jenna Jameson; [w:Femme fatale|Femmes fatales; [w:Traci Lords|Traci Lords; [w:breast|the titties] Then you've got your next wave of porn, okay? ], ]- ]. Oh, I have yet to mention... ah! ]. The plotlines got weaker but ] go bigger.

Mr. Jack: Fascinating.

Sweet Stephen: Which leads me to our third kind: a montage- no plotline at all.

Mr. Jack: What a wonderful dissertation.

Sweet Stephen: But through it all, I've seen one common denominator.

Mr. Jack: Cheesy music?

Sweet Stephen: No, one consistent factor.

Mr. Jack: Is this your conclusion?

Sweet Stephen: [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy] ].

Mr. Jack: Excuse me?

Sweet Stephen: [[w:Cary Grant|Cary Grant; [w:Human penis|penises] Ron fucking Jeremy, the ] of ].

Mr. Jack: A poet, that's what you are.

Sweet Stephen: Why, thank you. Of course, now with the internet, the girls are-

Mr. Jack: Oy! Aren't you a little young to be in here?!

Customer: I'm a midget.

Mr. Jack: Midgets! We were just talking about you people! Stephen heel. Come her. Ha, nice lad. Have fun. Ah, youth.

Inga: Tell me where did you get these scars?

Luke: Oh lets see. Skateboard, truck accident, and a fire hydrant.

Inga: I bet each one has its own exciting story, no?

Luke: No, not really. I skateboarded off a truck into a fire hydrant.

Inga: I never met an American boy before, are you all so, wild?

Luke: Yeah, we have a saying around here, "no brains, no headache.

Inga: We have saying in Switzerland too, "no swimsuit, no tan lines.

Luke: [Looking towards the sky; whispers] Thank you.

Luke: We have another saying around here.

Inga: Uh huh, what's that?

Luke: I don't know.

Eric Montclare: Luke, why don't you shut up before my fist makes an appointment with your ass?

Luke: Eric, do you notice you're always talking about sticking something in my ass, and that time it wasn't even a threat, technically, that was flirting.

Luke: Let's go have a drink everybody.

Rick: Actually I have to turn in. I have to give Mr. Mays a snowboarding lesson.

Luke: Yeah I've got fag practice in the morning so I understand.

Rick: And as an added bonus you also win the contents of Eric's stolen wallet. Which are Luke...?

Luke: Two bucks, Condom, ...expiration date 1997. And a picture of his grandmoth- ...nope that's uh ...Nancy Reagan.

Rick: And most importantly, pushing, shoving and cheating are encouraged.

Luke: Rule number one. You do not talk about king of the mountain. Rule number two. There are no rules.

Anthony: Uhh...what about rule number one?

Luke: That's more of a guideline than a rule. Do NOT interrupt.

Luke: [punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa Muntz wanted you to run this mountain.

Luke: You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee.

Luke: [Pig Pen wakes up from humping a bench in his sleep] He's had a crush on that bench for years....Did you enjoy your nap?

Luke: [drunk; Anna walks up] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. Not you, him and his white tuxedo.

Luke: Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.

Luke: This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery.

Luke: No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everybody Wang Chung tonight.

Luke: Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother.

Luke: Can you get an STD from a polar bear?

Marty Huggins: I'll tell you this, I'll make you proud. I will. I'll make you - I'll make you real proud.

Raymond Huggins: I'd say there's mathematically zero percent chance of that happening. Your brother Tripp is a bullseye. But you look Richard Simmons crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Marty Huggins: Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.

Dylan Huggins: One time I put a firefly in my butthole.

Marty Huggins: [horrified] Why?

Dylan Huggins: So I could see my farts glow.

Steve: [on the verge of tears] Who the fuck are you, man?

Ryan: [voiceover] Excellent question. Who the fuck am I? Poor Steve has worked here for seven years. He's never had a meeting with me before, or passed me in the hall, or told me a story in the break room. And that's because I don't work here. I work for another company that lends me out to pussies like Steve's boss, who don't have the balls to sack their own employees, and in some cases, for good reason. Because people do crazy shit when they get fired.

Jake: [sighs; takes a deep breath, then looks up at Riggan] Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. Guys in publicity now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. What are you doing?

Riggan: [takes down a Birdman poster] I don't want to look at this anymore.

Jake: That was a present from the crew. Don't fuck with those guys. They're union.

Riggan: I don't care.

Jake: How'd it go?

Riggan: Good.

Jake: They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The motherfucker did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.

Riggan: What'd you say?

Jake: What did I say?

Riggan: [unable to find a good spot for the poster] Shit. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this?

Jake: I said, "You motherfucker, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.

Riggan: What pictures?

Jake: He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.

Riggan: That's right. That's great.

Jake: Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.

Riggan: What?

Jake: We don't have an actor.

Riggan: Uh-huh.

Jake: And if we cancel the first preview, the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.

Riggan: Okay, what do you think I should do?

Jake: Well, we hired an understudy. Let's use the understudy.

Riggan: No.

Jake: [someone knocks on the door] Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know?

Lesley: Can I talk to you for a second?

Riggan: Yeah, what's up?

Lesley: Did you find another actor?

Riggan: No.

Lesley: Okay, well, Mike's available.

Riggan: He is?

Lesley: Mm-hmm.

Jake: Mike who?

Riggan: I thought he was doing the thing...

Lesley: He was. He quit...or got fired.

Jake: Mike who?

Riggan: Which is it, Quit or Fired?

Lesley: Well, with Mike, it's usually both.

Jake: Mike fucking who?

Lesley: Shiner.

Jake: YES!

Riggan: Jake.

Jake: Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?

Lesley: We share a vagina.

Riggan: You think he'd want to do it?

Lesley: Mm-hmm.

Jake: How do you know?

Lesley: Cause he told me he'd want to do it.

Riggan: Jake, Jake.

Jake: Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.

Riggan: Fine, does he sell tickets?

Jake: He sells a shitload of tickets.

Riggan: Okay.

Jake: Now ask me if the theater critics love him.

Riggan: Do theater critics love him?

Jake: They want to spooge on him.

Riggan: [to Jake, offended] Hey.

Jake: Lesley.

Lesley: Right on his face.

Jake: Everything for a reason, right?

Riggan: You think he'd come in this evening?

Lesley: I'll call him and find out.

Jake: [kisses Lesley; whispering; walks downstairs] I'll call his agent. Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.

Annie: Who?

Jake: You'll find out.

Speckles: [deep voice; maniacally] Hello, Darwin.

Darwin: [happily; proudly] Speckles, you're alive! You (even) infiltrated the bad guy's lair! Where is he?

Speckles: [deep voice; normal voice] I am the bad guy. What? You really think I let myself get killed in a garbage truck? Ha! Well, I hid in a soup can, and rode it all the way to the city dump. And it was stinky.

Juarez: [surprised] Speckles?

Blaster: I can't believe the mole was the mole.

Speckles: Actually, you may call me Mr. Yanshu.

Ben: No.

Speckles: Business associate of Leonard Saber.

Darwin: [confused; disappointed] You tricked Saber into helping you build a Clusterstorm? How could you do this to us? I thought we were friends. I put my life on the line for you.

Saber: Yanshu was in my basement this whole time?

Ben: Yeah, and he wasn't a man. He was a mole.

Speckles: [laughs evilly] Yanshu" is the Chinese word for mole! Sabersense was just a cover. I created an army of robotic appliances, and they created an array of giant electromagnetic nodes... Nodes capable of pulling down all the space junk orbiting the planet, and driving every human underground. So, what do you think?

Darwin: You've betrayed us. You! You sabotaged our presentation.

Speckles: Extermination virus. Nasty stuff.

Darwin: Speckles, why?

Speckles: [Flashbacks shows the exterminators attacking his home and his family] You ever Google the word "mole" Darwin? Three million entries. Not on how to care for em, or love em, or pet em. NO! Three million entries on how to exterminate them! The humans came and destroyed our home.

Speckles's Father: Son, If you ever get the chance to bring mankinds to its knees, do it.

Speckles: They showed us no mercy, Darwin. Well, now it's my turn to do a little pest control. If you'll excuse me... it's showtime. GOING UP!!!!!

Alan Garner: When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

Nani: Stay behind me, Lilo. Get back. Get back.

Pleakley: Don't worry. They're just scanning for deadly parasites.

Grand Councilwoman: We're here to retrieve this dangerous experiment. Soldiers, take 626 into custody.

Lilo: [as Stitch gets handcuffed while Nani tries to hold her back, preventing her from interfering; protesting] No! Hey! Leave him alone! Let him stay!

Grand Councilwoman: I'm afraid I can't allow that. This creature poses a threat to your species. We are sorry for what transpired here. Rest assured, those responsible will be brought to justice.

Jumba: [gets lifted off the sea by the spaceship while being re-arrested, and back in his original alien form; last words; gets clonked on the head] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! How dare you treat a scientific genius like this! Hey, Grand Councilwoman, can you-- Ow! Oh! My precious brain.

Grand Councilwoman: As for 626--

Stitch: [interrupting] Stitch.

Grand Councilwoman: [confused] What?

Stitch: My name Stitch.

Grand Councilwoman: Stitch, then.... will be--

Stitch: Can Stitch say goodbye?

Grand Councilwoman: [surprised and hesitantly] Yes.

Stitch: [walks over to Lilo] Thank you.

Lilo: [hugs Stitch] Come here, Stitch. We're gonna to miss you.

Grand Councilwoman: [surprised] Who are these people?

Stitch: [smiles at Lilo and Nani who smiles back] This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little a-and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good.

Pleakley: Grand Councilwoman? Can we leave Stitch with his new family?

Grand Councilwoman: Absolutely not. The Council would require supervision, and who would possibly want to stay on this dilapidated mosquito farm?

Pleakley: [excitedly] Oh, oh! Me! Me! ME!

Grand Councilwoman: Ha! Ridiculous. I cannot risk the global panic that would ensue if this were to become public.

Cobra Bubbles: [stepping up] What if it didn't?

Pleakley: Oh! Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! He's CIA. He's very good at keeping secrets.

Grand Councilwoman: Our reconnaissance said you were going to tell your superiors about this. How could I ever trust you to keep it a secret?

Cobra Bubbles: [stepping up to her and shakes her hand to seal the deal] Your Highness... you have my word.

Grand Councilwoman: [after studying his face for a moment and nods; Everyone, even Stitch, felt sad at the fact that he might not be allowed to stay after all; until...; smiles; Everyone were overwhelmed with joy and Stitch's handcuffs falls off and he happily runs into Lilo's arms] Hmmm. You all have shown me that there is good inside this creature. However, I cannot reverse the council's decision. Experiment 626 has been sentence to life in exile. A sentence that would be henceforth served.... here on Earth.

Jumba: Look, look, look, look! I had a pretty bad *Ohana* growing up. That's not an excuse. I just don't give it a little context.

Lilo: [smirks; waves; activities Jumba's human camouflage device] A hui hou, hairy potato.

Jumba: [gets ejected, due to him turning into his human form, and is sent flying into the deep ocean below, screaming] Okay, okay, okay. And I can't propose that sometimes we need second chances. And that's just when I-- Wait, no!

Jumba: [to Lilo; frustrated about her caring for Stitch] Why don't you just admit that your little friend is a dangerous, freakish monster?!

Stitch: [as Lilo presses the correct button, freeing him] Also cute and fluffy!

Jumba: What's the plan, 626? Say you escaped the Federation. You think you're gonna just stay here with her? Live happily ever after on Earth? You're built to destroy 626, and you have! Look what's happened since you got here. Her family is falling apart. Let's just be honest. The only reason you picked her at that animal shelter was for your own protection.

Lilo: Is that true, Stitch?

Jumba: See, I don't think that's bad. I don't think anything you do is bad. I think it's genius. If you care about this little girl at all, you'll leave her here.

Jumba: Who is Mai-mai and Pai-pai?

Lilo: [bursting in] That's Mama and Papa's room!

Jumba: [blasts the door with his blaster and smirks evilly] Oh! That makes a lot more sense.

Lilo: [threateningly] Stop it, or else!

Jumba: [walks closer to her] Or else what? What are you gonna do?

Jumba: [trapping Pleakley in the janitor's closet, after the Grand Councilwoman cancels their deal for failing to catch Stitch] It's time to do this my way.

Grand Councilwoman: We just intercepted a call from human authorities. Do you realize what you have done?

Pleakley: [innocently] Nope.

Grand Councilwoman: [Pleakley obliges as he takes off the shower cap] Play the recording. And take off that ridiculous hat.

Cobra Bubbles: [on recording] Code 51. We found something. Confirm.

Grand Councilwoman: And not only that you alerted the humans about our existence, but you still haven't captured 626!

Jumba: Grand Councilwoman, will all due respect, I'm not sure you know what's going on with 626. We have found, um… a glitch… Which is making it a little harder to get him off this planet. But don't worry, I'm sure I can figure out--

Grand Councilwoman: Enough! You're a glitch, you buffoon. I have had enough, Dr. Jookiba. You have exhausted my patience! Consider our deal terminated!

Jumba: [shocked] WHAT?!

Grand Councilwoman: [beats] No tantrums, Agent Pleakley is hereby deputize to detain you under Federation orders and escort you back to Turo immediately. Uh, hello?

Pleakley: Now? Right now?

Grand Councilwoman: No, later.

Jumba: You cannot do this to my work!!!!

Grand Councilwoman: [hangs up] That is not a debate. A Federation detail is on its way to clean up your mess.

Pleakley: [after getting out of the bathtub, while putting on his bathrobe] Did she hang up? Jumba?

Jumba: [lying on the bed while recovering from his injuries] Why would he protect her like that?

Pleakley: [bathing in the tub] You don't think they're kind of cute together?

Jumba: He's not a pet. He's an experiment and a dangerous one of that.

Pleakley: I just think he's a lot cuter than you think he is dangerous.

Jumba: He has sharp teeth, he has claws, I designed him to be dangerous.

Pleakley: Dangerously cute.

Jumba: Nighty-night, 626.

626: Jumba?

Stephanie Lum: Aloha, I'm Stephanie Lum. Breaking news on a strange situation last night. A local tour bus ran over an unidentified wild animal who terrorized a wedding. The creature is recovering at the Nā Mea Ola Animal Rescue. More on that at 10:00, and hear from the wedding photographer…

Jumba: [whispering to Pleakley, believing that 626 is now at the animal rescue center] Bingo.

Grand Councilwoman: Do not let the Earthlings discover your mission, or I will be forced to intervene.

Pleakley: This is a dream vacay. I have so much packing to do!

Jumba: Well, well, well, 626. What hideous, pathetic planet is caught in your crosshairs?

Jumba: [appearing while being escorted by two Federation soldiers; chuckles] Oh, look what a pickle we've got here. If only there were a brilliant genius around to help you catch that monster.

Grand Councilwoman: [enraged] You! You're the reason we're in this mess!

Jumba: And I can get you out, if you release me and give me back my lab.

Grand Councilwoman: Nonsense, we'll simply vaporize the planet. Captain?

Captain/Pink Alien Girl: [excitedly] Armed and ready, Councilwoman.

Pleakley: [appearing; dressed up as a cowboy] Hold it! Hold everything! Excuse me, pardon me. You can't destroy the planet!

Captain/Pink Alien Girl: [disappointed] Aw, man!

Grand Councilwoman: Uh, who is this?

Pleakley: [tips his hat] Agent Pleakley, Earth Expert, at your service. Howdy.

Grand Councilwoman: Earth expert?

Pleakley: I'm an expert of all planets, flora, fauna and fashion.

Jumba: [sarcastically] Yeah, his outfit screams "expert".

Pleakley: Oh, yeah. I'm researching Earth species that's half cow and half boy. It's very fascinating.

Grand Councilwoman: Yes, marvelous. What's your point?

Pleakley: Oh, uh, Earth is a protected wildlife preserve. Yeah. We've been using it to rebuild the mosquito population.

Grand Councilwoman: [sighs; Jumba smirks; to Pleakley] Crikey. Very well, Dr. Jookiba, you will travel to Earth where you will capture the escaped lab experiment known as 626. Agent Pleakley, you will be going with him. You are deputized to ensure he follows Federation rules.

Jumba: [disbelieved] What?! I don't need a babysitter--

Grand Councilwoman: [Pleakley looks disbelieved and took off his hat] This is all very dangerous and it's quite frankly, you'll die. Do you accept?

Pleakley: [excitedly] With every heart in my body, Of course I accept! I'm going to Earth!!!

Grand Councilwoman: [first lines; the alien council gasps in horror; Experiment 626, a blue koala-like alien with four arms, two antennas on his head, three spikes on his back, and wearing a red jumpsuit, reveals himself in the canister as he wakes up] We have apprehended a dangerous threat in one of our very own labs. Quiet! We believe that this… this… monstrosity… is the product of illegal genetic experimentation.

Robot: What deranged lunatic would create something like this?

Jumba: [brought in by two intergalactic soldiers, handcuffed; clears throat] I prefer "deranged genius," but thank you for the introduction.

Grand Councilwoman: Dr. Jumba Jookiba, you were tasked with safely studying biological threats, not creating them.

Jumba: [626 is seen breaking out of the canister with incredible strength; we see 626 getting zap by laser ...more like tickling him since he is fireproof and bulletproof] A threat? Experiment 626 is our Federation's most sophisticated weapon. 626 is unstoppable… indestructible… smarter than 100 super computers!

626: [now seen playing a game of chess with him] Tooba. (translation: "Checkmate.")

Jumba: [frustrated, while knocking away the chess pieces] Gah, I don't wanna play anymore!!!

Alien Council Members: It's an atrocity! Destroy it! I can't even look at him! He should be exiled.

Grand Councilwoman: [a microphone appears in the canister before 626] Silence! He did not ask to be created. Perhaps, if he is so intelligent, he has the capacity to reason. Experiment 626, show us that there is something inside you that is good.

626: [climbs down, walks up to the microphone like a shy child and clears his throat, everyone waits, Jumba glances at his creation and the court anxiously...after a moment of silence; speaks into the microphone; The whole alien council gasps in shock as he cackles wickedly] Meega nala kweesta! (translation: "I want to destroy!")

Grand Councilwoman: So naughty!

Robot: [while barfing out bolts and screws] Throwing up. Throwing up.

Jumba: [embarrassed] I did not teach him that.

Grand Councilwoman: You have made our decision easy. He is clearly the flawed product of a deranged mind. Dr. Jookiba, your lab will be destroyed.

Jumba: [shrugs; not caring] Okay, just leave me 626.

Grand Councilwoman: And 626 exiled.

Jumba: [disappointed] Oh, come on!

Grand Councilwoman: Bailiff!

Jumba: [shocked; The experiment's canister get taken away downward, much to his horror] Wait! No, no, no, no! You can't do that! NOOOOO!!!

Cell Manager: [chuckles; 626 struggles and the guns move; He stops and thinks, looks at the two guns and they move; He gets an idea by drooling his spit and the guns aim but he slurps it back up before he does it again; 626 spits saliva at the Manager's face mask and the guns aim at him, much to his notice; removes his mask helmet and runs for it to save himself] Don't get any ideas. These guns are locked onto your genetic signature. They're not gonna shoot anyone but you. Knock it off! Federation strictly forbids to be gross. Don't make me say-- Uh-oh. AHH!