22 quotes
Support Among Friends in Parenting Struggles
Amy
All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.
Carla
First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.
Kiki
True that!
Carla
You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.
Amy
Most moms do that, Carla.
Carla
That's most moms, yeah. Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do. You've quit trying. We don't quit! Moms don't quit!
Kiki
No! Quitting is for dads!
Carla
Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us, us moms, we have to just... We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm. And do you know why?
Kiki
Because we have low self-esteem.
Carla
No. No, no. It's because we love our kids. It's because we love our stupid, selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces! That's why. We love em so much that we would do... Literally anything for them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Advice on Troubled Marriages and Divorce
Dr. Karl
Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
Amy
So what do you think we should do?
Dr. Karl
Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uh, as a human being with two fucking eyes in my head, yeah I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Imperfection in Motherhood
Taglines
Screw Perfection.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Struggles of Modern Motherhood
Amy Mitchell
I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom. I had my first kid when I was 20 years old, and I've been running late ever since. My days are filled with dropping the kids at school... Love you. ...then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting. I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week. Why do I suck at Zumba? Most days, I race back to school for the kids plays, and poetry readings and class projects...which I'm always late for. Sorry. And then there's PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences. Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin hates me. At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car. Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store. Ugh. This chick seems like she's got it all figured out. But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time. Still, I love being a mom.
[sighs; mouthing; wailing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Homemade Treats and Store-Bought Rules
Gwendolyn
Are these store-bought donut holes, Amy?
Amy
What? No. Gosh, no, I made them by hand and then I put them in the weird plastic container.
Vicky
Oh, thank God. Cause we do not allow store-bought holes.
Gwendolyn
Seriously, Vicky?
Amy
Oh, come on, Gwendolyn. Who cares what food people bring as long as it raises money, right?
Stacy
Oh, did she just... Oh. She did. Hit her with it, G.
Gwendolyn
Well, you see, I care, sweetie. I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you, I mean, with your weird outbursts and your terrible style, but it ends now. Okay? I run this school, and no one takes a class or kicks a ball or plays a fuckin clarinet without my say-so. And I can make life a living hell for you and your dirty little children. Do you understand me?
Amy
Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think you should just relax a little bit, I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious. They're from a gas station. They're... Mmm.
Gwendolyn
You have crossed the line, little girl. And I am going to destroy you. Winter is coming.
[storms away]
Amy
Gwendolyn.
[chuckles]
Stacy
Oh, my God. You are so fucked.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Advocating for Less Stress in Motherhood
Amy Mitchell
First of all, I just wanna say this, that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff. And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less. Right? Less PTA meetings, less luncheons, less fuckin bake sales, just less bullshit! Wait, wait, wait, wait. And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys. Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay? God, and they have way too much homework. I mean, our kids don't even have time to be kids anymore, am I right? And what is up with these five standardized tests a week? We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers. We should be teaching them how to be good people! What is a standardized test? So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed, or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...then just vote for me.
[crowd cheers; crowd cheers louder; crowd cheers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lunch Plans and Baseball Game Excitement
Carla
Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.
Jaxon
Gross!
Carla
Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.
Jaxon
For real?
Carla
I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.
[Jaxon hugs him before walking in to school]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage Struggles and Different Perspectives on Intimacy
Amy
I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman, and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.
Carla
Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?
Amy
No. Here's the truth. Our marriage has been over for years. I don't even remember the last time we had sex.
[laughs]
Kiki
Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods.
Kiki
I find ]'s work to be extremely erotic.
[[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]
Carla
I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Modern Parenting Rules
Amy
Do you know what I hate?
Carla
Mmm?
Amy
There are so many fuckin rules now.
Kiki
Yes, God.
Amy
Don't punish your kids.
Kiki
Don't say no to your kids.
Carla
Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games." "Tell your kids you love em." "Don't fuck the janitor at your kid's school." I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?
Amy
We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it's making us insane. In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom. Screw it.
Carla
Yeah.
Amy
Let's be bad moms.
Carla
Oh, I'm in.
Amy
Right?
Kiki
Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!
Amy
Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
Carla
To bad moms!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Dating in Youth
Carla Dunkler
When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street and it would just be raining dicks wherever I went. It was just dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gwendolyn James Introduces PTA Meeting Agenda
Gwendolyn James
For those of you who have been living under a rock...I am Gwendolyn James. I am the president of the PTA, but most importantly, I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters, Blaire and Gandhi. Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting to address an issue that radically affects the safety of our children. The bake sale.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold PTA Presidential Speech
Amy
Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.
Gwendolyn
Keep going. You’re doing great.
Amy
I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.
Kiki
Why did we make her do this?!
Carla
I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!
Amy
Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy bitch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.
Amy
I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is fucking impossible.
Amy
So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?
Kiki
She’s doing great!
Carla
I know I never doubted her.
Amy
I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the fucking bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.
Woman #1
My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!
Amy
Yes! We all do that sometimes.
Woman #2
I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!
Carla
What's your number?
Woman #3
I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.
Woman #4
I can't tell my twins apart!
Woman #5
I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.
Woman #6
I drink margaritas for breakfast.
Woman #7
I threw my son's violin in the garbage.
Carla
Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.
Woman #9
I like my nanny better than I like my husband.
Carla
Wait, really? Yeah, you do!
Woman #10
I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.
Kiki
Aw.
Amy
Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no fucking clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
School Day Sentiments and Lunch Confusion
Amy
Have a great day at school! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Your lunch!
[hands the kids their bags]
Jane
Thanks, Mom. You're the best mom ever!
[gasps]
Amy
Aw, I love you, guys!
Gwendolyn
Is that Arby's?
Vicky
I love their hot fish sandwich.
Gwendolyn
Hey, Amy. Hi. Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today to discuss the upcoming election at 2:00. Will we see you there?
Amy
No.
Gwendolyn
Oh. That bitch is playing a dangerous game.
[Amy roars off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace Life with Unconventional Freedom
Taglines
Party Like a Mother.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awkward Conversations About Intimacy
Kiki
Kent is a never-hard.
Amy
Ooh, what's a never-hard?
Kiki
Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.
Carla
That sounds horrible!
Amy
Yeah...
Kiki
Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.
Carla
Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.
Kiki
I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.
Amy
Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?
Kiki
Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there! It's like finding a gun in the street. Just scream and get outta there!
Carla
No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.
Amy
Really?
Carla
Oh, they're always so nice to you, because they know their dicks are gross.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awkward Conversations Among Friends
Amy
Oh, my God, are you...?
[after catching Mike with his pants down in front of the PC]
Mike
No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.
Amy
You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.
Mike
Why won't this fucking window close?
Amy
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
[Sees Sharon naked on the screen]
Sharon
Uh, who the hell are you?
Amy
I'm his wife.
Sharon
Oh, shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Neglecting Responsibilities in School
Dylan
Hey so, where's my science project?
Amy
Oh, I didn't do it.
Dylan
What? But it's due today!
Amy
Yeah. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.
Dylan
I am a slow learner, remember?
Amy
You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what entitled means?
Dylan
No. Because I'm a slow learner.
Amy
It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recognition in Parenting Responsibilities
Carla Dunkler
Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to.
[to Kiki]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Motherly Fury and the Fight for Justice
Carla
This is about standing up to the bitch that hurt your little girl! Now, are you gonna sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this shit?
Kiki
Don't do it, Amy.
Carla
Fuck that! Fuck it! You are gonna rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say, "You can do what you want to me, I don't care, throw it at me, but you fucked with my daughter, and now I have to fight you. I will fight you in the playground. I will fight you in the cafeteria. I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's. But I will have justice for my little girl, because I am a fucking mom. And we protect our young." So get up off this couch, turn off ], and let's bodyslam this bitch.
[[12 Years a Slave (film)|12 Years a Slave]
Kiki
Come on, Amy.
Carla
Come on. Get those tits up.
Kiki
Get em up.
Carla
Get em up.
Kiki
Get your boobs up.
Carla
Get those tits right up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Misunderstanding of a Bra's Purpose
Carla
Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!
Kiki
Ooh.
Carla
There's so much surface area. You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.
Amy
This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.
Carla
Shut up!
[laughs]
Amy
Don't laugh.
Carla
Wait, are you serious?
Amy
Yes!
Carla
Oh, honey. Amy. Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.
Amy
Is it that bad?
Carla
Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
Kiki
Yeah.
Carla
You don't even have two tits.
Amy
I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?
Carla
No!
Kiki
No!
Amy
Oh, wow.
Kiki
This bra will be the death of your vagina.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Guest at the Raging Party
Amy
This party is raging.
Kiki
What a turnout.
Martha Stewart
Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?
Amy
Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.
Kiki
Thank you. Oh, my God.
Martha Stewart
Good, right?
Carla
I'm cumming.
Kiki
Oh, my God. What's in this?
Martha Stewart
Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.
Kiki
They're delicious!
Martha Stewart
I start my day with six of these.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Fantastical Escape from Daily Life
Kiki
Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?
Carla, Amy
No.
Carla
You're batshit crazy.
Amy
Yeah.
Carla
And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.