Bad Santa Quotes

Willie Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? He kicked my ass. You know why? It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.

Marcus You fuck her?

Willie Jesus Christ! Is everything fucking sex with you?

Marcus With me? I fuck one person. I ain't out there serially fornicatin', trying to float my liver drinkin myself silly cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.

Willie What are you? Sigmund "Sawed Off" fuckin Freud?

Marcus Yeah, that's right, shit for brains. Go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe cause you're an emotional fuckin cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single fuckin thing about you is ugly.

Sue I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.

Willie So is my thing for tits.

Marcus Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-fucking.

Willie Sure, the three B's.

Gin Look here, get him outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska. Tell him it was food poisoning or something.

Marcus What do you mean, get him outta here?

Gin Take him to the car.

Marcus In case you didn't notice, I'm a motherfucking dwarf. So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?

Gin That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.

Marcus Special treatment?! I'm three-foot fucking tall, you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

Gin Bitch, bitch, bitch!

Marcus Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking ].

Gin What'd you call me, thigh-high?

Marcus I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!

Gin I could stick you up my ass, small fry!

Marcus Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

Gin You got some lip on you, midget.

Marcus Yeah? Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!

Willie Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Willie Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, or Santa's Little Helper would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than ]. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty, which is new in my experience. They're making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the fuck care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did.

Marcus It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.

Willie That's right. I forgot to take my pill.

Bob Chipeska It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...

Willie Fornicate?

Bob Chipeska Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?

Willie Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.

Bob Chipeska Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...

Marcus If we what?

Bob Chipeska Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.

Willie Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit.

Bob Chipeska What are you talking about?

Willie I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?

Bob Chipeska Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.

Willie You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".

Marcus Who the hell is "us people"?

Bob Chipeska No...he said...I...you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Willie Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.

Willie You're pathetic.

Willie I said "next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along.

Willie I've been to prison once. I've been married twice. I was once drafted by ] and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might.

Marcus You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.

Taglines He's very naughty . . . and not very nice.

Willie You know, I think I've turned a corner.

Marcus Yeah? You fucking petites now?

Willie No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno. Like I accomplished something.

Marcus You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many fuckin years of therapy.

Marcus Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?

Gin We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.

Marcus No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...

Gin This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is ]!

Willie Pricks fix?

Marcus Ah, he's a fucking moron.

Willie Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?

Marcus Fuck you.

Willie Negotiating?

Marcus You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.

Willie Yeah and I can get another midget too.

Marcus Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

Willie Oh shit.

Marcus What? What?

Willie It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.

Marcus So?

Willie Remember Andy Pitz?

Marcus Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.

Willie No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.

Marcus Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your fucking point?

Willie Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in ]'s pussy.

Marcus And that's a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?

Willie When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.

Marcus Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?

Willie No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.

Willie Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!

Sue You're pretty regular for a Santa.

Willie It's not that much of a big fucking deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.

Sue Prove it.

Sue Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa!

Willie Can't I at least take this hat off?

Sue NO! I love the hat.

Willie Okay.

Taglines Get Naughty this Holiday Season.

Woman in Food Court Look who's here, Jimmy! It's Santa!

Willie Great. Fucking great.

Woman in Food Court Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.

Willie I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK, OKAY?!

Woman in Food Court Are you insane? Management's gonna hear about this.

Willie Think that's a threat? You really think you can make my fucking life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.

Gin When I look at you, you know what I think? I think America has a sad future ahead of it.

Willie Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt. I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you til your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now, telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa.

Gin Fuck stick"?

Bob Chipeska Yeah, I know it's odd, but as our security manager, I want you to be well aware of this. His little friend promised he won't say it in front of the children, which is fine. There is an adult's world and a child's world, and that's OK. I'm no censor.

Bob Chipeska Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially--

Fired Santa Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?

Bob Chipeska Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them--

Fired Santa Oh, just forget it! Hacks!

Bob Chipeska Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resumè, by the way.

Marcus Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.

Bob Chipeska I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.

Bob Chipeska So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.

Marcus Oh, no, we--

Willie Performance?

Bob Chipeska Yes. Your performance. You know, the...

Willie Performance, like, sexual?

Bob Chipeska Excuse me?

Marcus Willie.

Willie Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?

Bob Chipeska I'm sorry, your gear?

Marcus Willie...

Willie My fuck stick!

Marcus Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Bob Chipeska He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children, is he?

Marcus No! It was just a joke. An adult joke for us adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.

Taglines He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice.

Marcus That's just the kinda shit that's gonna get us pinched.

Willie She said she was 18.

Marcus But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.

Willie What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my fucking mom now? I don't need any goddamn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you.

Marcus What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?!

Willie Mind your own goddamn business.

Marcus Ever hear of the open-bottle law?!