Batman Returns (1992) - Quotes

Taglines: The Bat. The Cat. The Penguin.

Alfred Pennyworth: [driving home] Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: [sadly] Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men...and women.

Max: [after being pulled out of the water by Catwoman; lashes her whip at him; tries to run away] I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss. Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string.

Catwoman: [captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her] Your blood, Max.

Max: My blood, I gave at the office.

Catwoman: A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.

Max: Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?

Catwoman: Sorry, Max. A die for a die.

Max: [to Batman] You're not just saving a life, you're saving...

Batman: [pushes him away] Shut up. You're going to jail.

Catwoman: [to Batman] Don't be naīve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!

Batman: [Max is shocked; pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne] Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police...then, we can go home...together. Selina... don't you see? We're the same. We're the same...Split right down the center. Selina, please.

Catwoman: [choked up; Batman caresses the back of her head, but she claws him on the cheek] Bruce...I would - I would love to live with you in your castle...forever, just like in a fairy tale. I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

Max: [Catwoman faces him and takes off her mask; pointedly; to Batman] Selina? Selina Kyle? You're fired! And Bruce. Why are you dressed up like Batman?

Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!

Max: [produces a gun; shoots Batman in the chest, knocking him down. Catwoman reacts to the shooting] Was. Don't!

Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!

Max: [last words; shoots Catwoman twice] One way to find out.

Catwoman: [pretends to die, but laughs; swings whip around, then cracks it loudly; the shocked Max shoots her twice again; Max fires the gun again, but it is empty; she laughs; Batman gets up; unnoticed; kisses Schreck in the lips with a stun gun in between them while holding a live power line] Four...five... Still alive! Six...seven...all good girls go to heaven... Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime...How about a kiss, Santy Claus?

The Penguin: [last words; drops it; gagging; gags, then falls and drops dead] Ugh! Shit! I picked the cute one! The heat's getting to me...I'll murder you momentarily...but first, I need a cold drink of iced water...

Penguin: [laughs] You didn't invite me, so I crashed!

Gotham Mayor: What do you want?

Penguin: [crowd gasps] Right now, my troops are fanning out across town - for your children! Yes! For your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could dress up like jerks, get juiced, and dance...BADLY! I've personally come for Gotham's favorite son, Mr. Chip Shreck! You're coming with me, you great white dope! To die, way down in the sewer!

Max: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead!

Penguin: [pretends to think for a moment] I don't. So no!

Max: I'm the one you want! Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?

Penguin: [reluctantly agrees; hits Chip and gestures to Max] Okay, you've got a point. I'll let the little prince live for now. Now, in the duck!

Max Shreck: Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.

Bruce Wayne: Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.

Shreck: I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?

Wayne: It does to me.

Shreck: Yawn.

Penguin: My babies...did you miss me?

Red Triangle Thin Clown: Great speech, Oswald!

Penguin: [punches him aside with his umbrella; a henchman passes him some papers, which he gives to everyone] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!! CRANK THE A.C.!!! WHERE ARE MY LISTS?! BRING ME THE NAMES!!! Ah! It's time...These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City, just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them: tonight, while their parents party, they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds. And WE WILL SNATCH THEM, CARRY THEM INTO THE SEWER, AND TOSS THEM INTO A DEEP, DARK WATERY GRAVE...!

Red Triangle Fat Clown: [last words] Erm...Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children...isn't that a little, uh...?

Penguin: [shoots clown with gun umbrella; kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river] No! It's a LOT "uh"!

Catwoman: Did someone say Fish? I haven't been fed this morning.

Batman: Eat floor. It'll be good for you; high in fiber.

Batman: Admiring your handiwork?

Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

Batman: You're not the mayor.

Penguin: Things change.

Batman: What do you want?

Penguin: [laughs, then turns serious] Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask! You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Batman: Things change.

Catwoman: Meow.

Penguin: [to Batman; activates his helicopter umbrella and rises away, waving cheerfully] I saw her first. Gotta fly!

Security Guard 1: Who is she?

Security Guard 2: What is she? I don't know whether to open fire or fall in love...

Catwoman: [disarms both guards with her whip] You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.

Security Guard 1: Don't hurt us, lady! Our take-home's less than $300!

Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road!

Penguin: [takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out that dissolves a slab of stone; sets aside flask] Ah, what have we here?... A batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!

Max: That could've come from anywhere.

Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?

Max: If there were such documents, and that's not an admission, I would have seen to it they were shredded.

Penguin: [grins; shows shredded papers stuck back together] Good idea... A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?

Max: Fred? Fred's actually...I believe he's on extended vacation. He's, uh, he's good.

Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly; pulls out a severed hand, goes into scary voice; normal] Good"... "Hiya, Max! Remember me?! I'm Fred's hand! Yeah, you wanna greet any other body parts?!" Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.

Max: You know what, Mr...Penguin...sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.

Penguin: [shakes Max's hand with Fred's severed one and leaves Max holding it] You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.

Catwoman/Selina Kyle: [when she and Bruce Wayne realize each other's secret identities] Oh my God...does this mean we have to start fighting?

Catwoman/Selina Kyle: [to Penguin, rejecting his advances] I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

Catwoman/Selina Kyle: [falls into the back of a dump truck filled with gravel.; looks at the burn mark left by Batman] Saved by kitty litter... Bastard.

Catwoman/Selina Kyle: [after saving a woman from a mugger] You make it so easy, always waiting for some Batman to save you. I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.

Catwoman/Selina Kyle: I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [to crowd] But it's human nature to fear the unusual.

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [fighting Batman] You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm laying em on a slab!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [addressing his penguin army; the penguins start deploying] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal, with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: You gotta admit, I've played this stinkin city like a harp from Hell!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [after Catwoman rejects him; catches her neck in his helicopter umbrella and sends her flying] Ya lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals! And I don't think I like you anymore! Goodbye, my unintended. Go to Heaven.

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless as a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [about his parents; [w:defecation|number two] I was their number one son, and they treated me like ].

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [to Shreck; indicates to a broken skylight, then turns to Max] I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from... Like you! And like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all...I wanna find out who I am. By finding my parents, learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [to Shreck] Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common: we're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am, to date, not!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot: [to Max Shreck, after kidnapping him] Hi. I believe the word you're looking for is "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably...dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.