Bean (1997) - Quotes

Taglines: Be afraid, be very afraid, Mr. Bean has a passport.

Taglines: Everything You've Heard Is True

Taglines: The Ultimate Disaster Movie

Taglines: One Man. One Masterpiece. One Very Big Mistake.

Taglines: Once in a generation, a motion picture comes along that touches both our hearts and our souls. This is not one of them.

Taglines: In the city of dreams...a nightmare has been unleashed.

David Langley: Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?

Mr. Bean: ...not... necessarily.

David Langley: [clears throat] Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor?

Mr. Bean: [shakes head] No.

David Langley: Number two: do you know anything about art?

Mr. Bean: Well...

David Langley: [laughs] Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player?

Mr. Bean: ...Yes.

Kevin Langley: Hi, Beanie. Can't sleep, huh?

Mr. Bean: No.

Kevin Langley: Me neither. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.

Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.

Mr. Bean and David Langley: [singing while intoxicated; Bean screams] ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪

Mr. Bean and David Langley: [both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find Alison already home] ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪

David Langley: Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean: No.

David Langley: Good, neither do I.

David Langley: [notices Bean trying to block the main door; notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone] Seems to be a problem with the...'...door. Where's the picture gone?

Mr. Bean: Uh... Um, uh...

David Langley: [Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a poorly drawn cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out; Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it; takes a deep breath; Bean shows David the painting again; David freaks out once again; David screams out of the window] What? What? What? What? OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. OH, GOD! OH, GOD! GOD! OH, GOD!

David Langley: [hurries into the kitchen; Bean pulls two hot dogs out of the fridge; Bean puts the hot dogs back and pulls out an onion; Bean puts the onion back and pulls out a Thanksgiving turkey; looks in the fridge] How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. Onion?! Just on its own?! No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. Have you ever cooked one of these before?

Mr. Bean: Oh, yes.

David Langley: But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right?

Mr. Bean: [cuts to Bean and David stuffing the turkey into the microwave; sets the timer] Not necessarily. What do you think, 20 minutes?

David Langley: [Bean nods] I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.

David Langley: [after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time; David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled] Incredible! you set?

Lieutenant Brutus: He's a genius, huh?

David Langley: That's what they tell me.

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?

Mr. Bean: BOO!

David Langley: Ohh!

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

Alison Langley: Hello, Doctor.

Mr. Bean: Hello.

David Langley: No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--

Bernice Schimmel: I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

David Langley: Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?

Bernice Schimmel: Yes.

David Langley: [pause a little] I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

David Langley: Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean: I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David: Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.

LAX Police Officer 1: Police! Get on him now! Move it!

LAX Police Officer 3: Move it!

LAX Police Officer 1: Police! Come on! Come on, watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way!

LAX Police Officer 1: In pursuit of a 415, man with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get the team over here now.

LAX Police Officer 1: Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through!

LAX Police Officer 1: Come on, lady! Watch it! Move!

LAX Police Officer 1: [Everybody lies down on the floor including Bean] There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! Everyone on the floor! Now!

Old Woman: Not you, sweetie.

Mr. Bean: Oh, right.

LAX Police Officer 1: Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back.

LAX Police Officer 1: What is this?

LAX Police Officer 2: I don't know. Weird.

Lieutenant Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.

Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you could certainly use something.

Jennifer Langley: [sarcastically] You're kidding.

David Langley: Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Dr. Bean.

David Langley: Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

Kevin Langley: Yeah, like "What is an intrauterine device"?

David Langley: I think more like "What's the meaning of life?

Kevin Langley: I never asked you that.

David Langley: [to Jennifer; cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera and walking off. Cuts back to Jennifer] That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Dr. Bean is a very remarkable man. Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.

Jennifer Langley: [[Prince Charles] Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at ] and weep.

David Langley: Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt.

Jennifer Langley: Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

David Langley: Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

Jennifer Langley: [Alison comes out of the kitchen] I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.

Alison Langley: Perceptive child.

Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

David Langley: [stands up and shouts loudly across the room] Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.

Lieutenant Brutus: [about Mr. Bean getting arrested twice] Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And next time I will.

David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

Mr. Bean: [giving speech about the painting] Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly... And I'm getting quite near the end of this analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley, and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat, who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her... and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of, and that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway.