Bean Quotes

Kevin Langley Hi, Beanie. Can't sleep, huh?

Mr. Bean No.

Kevin Langley Me neither. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

Mr. Bean Whistler's Mother.

Kevin Langley Well, whatever turns you on.

David Langley Seems to be a problem with the...'...door. Where's the picture gone?

Mr. Bean Uh... Um, uh...

David Langley What? What? What? What? OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. OH, GOD! OH, GOD! GOD! OH, GOD!

David Langley Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?

Mr. Bean ...not... necessarily.

David Langley I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

Taglines In the city of dreams...a nightmare has been unleashed.

LAX Police Officer 1 Police! Get on him now! Move it!

LAX Police Officer 3 Move it!

LAX Police Officer 1 Police! Come on! Come on, watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way!

LAX Police Officer 1 In pursuit of a 415, man with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get the team over here now.

LAX Police Officer 1 Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through!

LAX Police Officer 1 Come on, lady! Watch it! Move!

LAX Police Officer 1 There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! Everyone on the floor! Now!

Old Woman Not you, sweetie.

Mr. Bean Oh, right.

LAX Police Officer 1 Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back.

LAX Police Officer 1 What is this?

LAX Police Officer 2 I don't know. Weird.

Lieutenant Brutus Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean Not that I know of.

Lieutenant Brutus Well, you could certainly use something.

David Langley Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.

Jennifer Langley You're kidding.

David Langley Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Dr. Bean.

David Langley Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

Kevin Langley Yeah, like "What is an intrauterine device"?

David Langley I think more like "What's the meaning of life?

Kevin Langley I never asked you that.

David Langley That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Dr. Bean is a very remarkable man. Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.

Jennifer Langley Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at ] and weep.

David Langley Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt.

Jennifer Langley Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

David Langley Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

Jennifer Langley I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.

Alison Langley Perceptive child.

Kevin Langley Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

David Langley Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

David Langley How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. Onion?! Just on its own?! No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. Have you ever cooked one of these before?

Mr. Bean Oh, yes.

David Langley But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right?

Mr. Bean Not necessarily. What do you think, 20 minutes?

David Langley I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.

Taglines Everything You've Heard Is True

Bernice Schimmel I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

David Langley Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?

Bernice Schimmel Yes.

David Langley I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

Taglines Be afraid, be very afraid, Mr. Bean has a passport.

David Langley Incredible! you set?

Lieutenant Brutus He's a genius, huh?

David Langley That's what they tell me.

Lieutenant Brutus Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?

Mr. Bean BOO!

David Langley Ohh!

Lieutenant Brutus Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

Taglines One Man. One Masterpiece. One Very Big Mistake.

Alison Langley Hello, Doctor.

Mr. Bean Hello.

David Langley No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--

Lieutenant Brutus Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And next time I will.

Mr. Bean Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly... And I'm getting quite near the end of this analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley, and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat, who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her... and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of, and that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway.

Taglines The Ultimate Disaster Movie

General Newton I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.

Taglines Once in a generation, a motion picture comes along that touches both our hearts and our souls. This is not one of them.

David Langley Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean No.

David Langley Good, neither do I.

Mr. Bean and David Langley ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪

Mr. Bean and David Langley ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪

David Langley Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor?

Mr. Bean No.

David Langley Number two: do you know anything about art?

Mr. Bean Well...

David Langley Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player?

Mr. Bean ...Yes.