Death to Smoochy (2002) - Quotes

Jealousy and Revenge in Turbulent Relationships

Randolph: [calm, but livid] First, he takes my career, then my life, now my girl.

Angelo: Calm down, Randy, she's not your girl anymore.

Randolph: [loses his temper; rips apart the newspaper] The balls on that fuchsia FUCK!!! I'm gonna tear him APART! Piece by piece! PIECE BY PIECE!

Angelo: You said it's time to heal, now stop it.

Randolph: [grabs Angelo] I'm going to take him apart. Hoof by hoof! Horn by horn! ONCE AND FOR ALL, NOW AND FOREVER!!!

Angelo: What happened to graciously marching forward?

Randolph: [walks up to a window and screams into the sky] MOTHERFUCKER!!!

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Embracing Controversy in the Spotlight

Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?

Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor.

Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.

Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.

Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?

Randolph: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Effects of Orange Juice

Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.

Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.

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A Conversation About a Hammer

Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?

Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

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Mistaken Intentions and Childlike Interests

Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!

Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?

Merv Green: Yes!

Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?

Merv Green: Yeah!

Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

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Reflections on Youth and Flexibility

Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.

Randolph: And limber.

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Office Views and Misunderstandings

Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!

Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!

Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

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A Darkly Humorous Take on Justice

Tommy: We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove em up his ass.

Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Conflict Over Creative Control in Business

Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?

Wife: Yes, very much.

Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chaos and Deception Unfold in Conversation

Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

Tommy Cotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced.

Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

Nora Wells: Sheldon, He Set You Up! Look Up There he Is! He's Getting Away Sheldon! No! Sheldon!

Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat.

Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Confronting Consequences of a Mistake

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: You just F**ked up with the wrong rhino...

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A Call for Attention from Sheldon Mopes

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: BURKE! BURKE, GET BACK HERE!!!

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Awkward Fun Experience

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: Wasn't that fun in an Awkward Way?

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Responsibility to Kids and Society

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me.

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Addressing the Cycle of Addiction

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!

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Feeling Overwhelmed and Disoriented

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

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Making a Dent in the World

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: You can't change the world but you can make a dent.

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Avoiding Blame and Poking Fingers

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you.

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Belief in Genuine Characters and Values

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: [[Jesus] Captain Kangaroo, like ], was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

Adjusting to a New Family Dynamic

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: [singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting.

Childhood Games and Identity Reflection

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

Smoochy's Guide to Happiness and Joy

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy: [singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!

Friendship Knows No Boundaries

Rainbow Randolph: Friends Come in all Sizes!

Rainbow Randolph's Kingdom of Fun

Rainbow Randolph: [to Sheldon; starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm; stars to cry; covers his face] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King La, la, la, la...

Threatening Legal Action Against Rivals

Rainbow Randolph: [after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen; heavy Irish accent] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!

Unexpected Crisis and Legal Confusion

Rainbow Randolph: [after getting egged; [w:Salmonella|Salmonella] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! ]! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!

Rainbow Randolph's Unexpected Comment on a Rhino

Rainbow Randolph: [to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!

Vengeful Threat from Rainbow Randolph

Rainbow Randolph: [[worms; makes an elephant noise] You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until ] are crawling right up your foamy rubber ass! I'm going on a safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!

Rainbow Randolph's Colorful Description of Anatomy

Rainbow Randolph: [Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you dumb fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

The Irony of Maintaining a Clean Image

Rainbow Randolph: Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

Rainbow Randolph's Fiery Hatred Revealed

Rainbow Randolph: [[w:Barney and Friends|Barney; [w:Teletubbies|Teletubby; [w:The Muppets|Muppet] I despise you... I LOATHE YOU!!! Bastard son of ]! Die! Die, you stuffed ball of fluff! You illegitimate ]! Die, you ] from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker! Die! Die!