32 quotes
Announcement of Impending Apocalypse
PA Announcer
I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat.
[at St. Michael's hospital]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encounter with an angelic presence
Taglines
Get "touched" by an angel.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Truths About Jay's Private Life
Jay
Yo, man, tell me something about me.
Rufus
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay
Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus
When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[walks off]
Jay
Dude, not all the time.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debt Between Friends
Bethany
You knew ]?
[[Christ]
Rufus
Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dark Proposal Amidst Impending Departure
Loki
Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby
What's that?
Loki
Let's kill people.
Loki
Oh, not you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dangers of Belief vs. Ideas
Rufus
His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
Bethany
You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus
I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Guests in the Boardroom
Whitland
Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights?
Board
No
Whitland
We creamed em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
[Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife]
Loki
You may proceed, mon ami.
[To Bartleby]
Bartleby
I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
Loki
Oh come on!
Bartleby
Relax, I'm doing this. Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films, sixteen records, eight prime-time specials, and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything?
[To the board room]
Whitland
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
Bartleby
Damn it!
Whitland
Now, is there a point to this?
Bartleby
You and your board are idolaters.
Loki
I can't believe you forgot the magazine. That's you. Do you know much about voodoo? That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More an arrangement of superstitions the most well-known of which is the voodoo doll. You see- -a mockup of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods.The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
[To Bartleby; Places the onion, carved in the shape of a man, before Whitman; Sneezes. He looks around the room but no one speaks. Shrugs and continues his speech.]
Whitland
Call security, now!
[Loki throws a the knife into the phone]
Loki
All lines are currently down.
Bartleby
I'm gonna have to apologize.
Loki
-Would you knock it off?
Bartleby
You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? Ahem. You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the First Commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
[To the board room]
Loki
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby
Mr. Newman. You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was, survey says... less costly. You, on the other hand are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[addressing the only female board member; Whispers into Whitland's ear]
Loki
You're his father, you sick fuck! - Good.-
Bartleby
Not bad, man.
Loki
That's great work.
Bartleby
Very good.
[Walks out]
Loki
Well, alone at last. With the exception of Miss Pryce here there isn't a decent human being amongst you. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. But not from God. (Walks off) Oh, forgot my little voodoo doll. Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? Look, if I believed enough in this... I wonder. Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. Voodoo. But I do believe in this!. DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! AND YOU! IN THE BED THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!
[smashes doll into table. The board scream in terror before realizing nothing's happened. Loki snickers; Loki exits the boardroom. The board members collect themselves, but then Loki re-enters with gun drawn; Opens fire]
Bartleby
But I do believe in this"... What does that mean?
[Reading Mooby magazine]
Loki
Gum? Go on it's OK you've done nothing wrong, those guys were finks and you're a pure soul. But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.
[all but the innocent woman are dead; Points gun at her]
Bartleby
LOKI!
Loki
You're getting off light.
Bartleby
Loki!
Loki
I know, I'm coming. You're so lucky.
[walks off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Weapons and Their Impact on Fear
Gun Salesman
We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki
Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki
Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at ], I had to do all the work.
[[w:Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom and Gomorrah]
Bartleby
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki
I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki
Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass ] is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
[defensively; [w:genocide|genocide]
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A Toast to Uncertainty
Rufus
So what do we do now?
Metatron
Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters in Unlikely Places
Jay
So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany
You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Jay
Some fuck named ].
[[w:John Hughes (filmmaker)|John Hughes]
Bethany
] John Hughes?
[[Sixteen Candles]
Jay
You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But ] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking ]; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking ] where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then ], which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a fuckin fat man weep.
[[Roger Ebert|Ebert; [The Breakfast Club|Breakfast Club; [w:Weird Science|Weird Science; [Pretty in Pink]
Bethany
What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay
See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for ], he was fucking harsh! But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.
[Silent Bob raises a finger.; [w:Judd Nelson|Judd Nelson; He and Silent Bob bump fists.]
Bethany
When are you going back to Jersey?
Jay
Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. Tomorrow.
[to Silent Bob; to Bethany]
Bethany
Tomorrow...
[to herself]
Jay
Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast em in the ass?
Bethany
I didn't ask you out for sex.
Jay
I'll take head.
Bethany
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
Jay
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany
No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
Jay
Really?
Bethany
You're going to lead me somewhere.
Jay
Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
Bethany
Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
Jay
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
Bethany
Do you believe in God?
Jay
Holy fuck! All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the fuck outta here-
[to Silent Bob; both get up to leave]
Jay
I'll scream rape.
Bethany
I can pay you.
Jay
Pay?
[he and Silent Bob sit back down]
Bethany
A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
Jay
I feel like ], you're ], and she's ] and we're in that fucked up bar! What about sex?
[to Silent Bob; [w:Han Solo|Han Solo; [w:Chewbacca|Chewie; [w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Ben Kenobi; to Bethany]
Bethany
No sex.
Jay
All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?
Bethany
In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
Jay
Yeah? She's the slut. Booong!
[to Silent Bob]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Crusade in New Jersey
Metatron
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron
{{w|Noah}} was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ]. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
[[w:Noah's Ark|ark]
Bethany
New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany
What's the fine print?
Metatron
Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.
[Mumbling into glass]
Bethany
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!
[Annoyed]
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Impending doom and unexpected propositions
Bethany
What are you doing?
[Notices Jay is taking off his pants]
Jay
I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Allure of Central Air Conditioning
Azrael
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
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Questioning Belief and Ideas
Rufus
Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?
Bethany
No. But I have a good idea.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Metatron's Commentary on Recognition and Culture
Metatron
As I was saying - prior to your firefighting episode - I am... the Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
[Bethany stares blankly.; She continues staring blankly.]
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Questioning the Church's Past Decisions
Rufus
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!
Cardinal Glick
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!
Rufus
Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany
And its platform of non-involvement during the ]?
[[Holocaust]
Cardinal Glick
...All right, mistakes were made.
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The Complexity of Understanding Divine Authority
Metatron
Tell a person that you're the Metatron, and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a ] and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?
[[The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|Charlton Heston movie]
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Critique of Gender Bias in Religious Texts
Serendipity
The whole ]'s gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts ]'s coif of power. A woman asks for the head of ]. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
[[The Bible|book; [w:Samson|Samson; [w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]
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Artistic Talent Does Not Guarantee Success
Serendipity
So you were an artist? Big deal. ] was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.
[[Elvis Presley|Elvis]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Nature of Evil and Human Guilt
Bethany
Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
Azrael
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
Bethany
Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
Azrael
Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
[furious; calms himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critique of Organized Religion and Life's Moments
Nun
So, you don't believe in God...because of ]?
[[Alice in Wonderland]
Loki
No, ], that poem "]," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either ] or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord ] – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to ], who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" The existentialists can keep their ] and their ] — give me ] any day. That guy knows what time it is!
[[Through the Looking Glass; [w:The Walrus and the Carpenter|The Walrus and the Carpenter; [Buddha; [w:Ganesha|Ganesha; [Jesus Christ; [Kierkegaard; [Sartre; [Lewis Carroll]
Nun
The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?
Loki
Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister — it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.
Bartleby
Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki
I just love to fuck with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Demon’s Final Revelation
Azrael
(Last words) But l'm a fucking demon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gradual Acceptance of Harsh Realities
Bethany
WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I hate you.
[looking skyward; now crying]
Metatron
He can't hear you, you know.
Bethany
Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron
Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.
Bethany
I don't want this. It's too big.
Metatron
That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.
Bethany
Everything I am has been a lie.
Metatron
No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane - no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.
Bethany
I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.
[chuckles mirthlessly]
Metatron
To say the least.
[smiles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questions of Faith and Historical Truth
Bethany
Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
Rufus
Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!
Bethany
You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?
[sarcastically joking; Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious]
Rufus
Because it's all closely tied in with His family.
Bethany
His ] and ]?
[[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|mother; [w:Saint Joseph|father]
Rufus
His ].
[[w:Brothers of Jesus|brothers and sisters]
Bethany
Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.
Rufus
Mary ] without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!
[[w:Virgin birth of Jesus|gave birth to Christ]
Bethany
Meaning?
Rufus
The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay
So that would make Bethany... part black?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Divine Mission and Skepticism in Dialogue
Cardinal Glick
Who sent you here?
Rufus
We were sent by Him who is called ]!
[[w:I Am that I Am|I Am]
Cardinal Glick
Cute. Really cute.
Rufus
Worked for ].
[shrugs; [Moses]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unlikely Allies in an Unexpected Encounter
Bethany
I don't know what to say or think, except...
Jay
That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany
Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.
Jay
I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.
Bethany
Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?
Jay
You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!
Bethany
So, what are you doing hanging around?
Jay
We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany
Excuse me?
Jay
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Limitations of Human Perception of God
Metatron
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany
Well... why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron
Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five {{w|Adam}}s before we figured that one out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Divine Herald Meets Confused Mortal
Metatron
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
Metatron
Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!
Bethany
Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!
Metatron
I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ...
Bethany
Get the fuck out of here! Now!
Metatron
Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?
Metatron
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!
Bethany
Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron
Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
[Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be; Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry]
Bethany
What are you?
Metatron
I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Struggle for Free Will and Redemption
Bartleby
My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants!
Loki
Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...
[alarmed]
Bartleby
Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet — they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki
Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissake! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright!
Bartleby
Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.
Loki
My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
[horrified]
Bartleby
What did you say?
Loki
I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby
Don't you fucking do that to me.
Loki
You sound like the ]!
[[w:Lucifer|Morning Star]
Bartleby
You shut your fucking mouth, man!
Loki
You do, you sound like ], man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby — you're talking about fucking war on God! Well, fuck that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.
[[w:Lucifer|Lucifer]
Bartleby
We're going home, Loki! And no one — not you, not even the Almighty Himself — is going to make that otherwise.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Search for the Holy Bartender
Azrael
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender
Never heard of it.
Azrael
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity
Don't...
Azrael
Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads; pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Serendipity
Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared]
Rufus
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael
Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Serendipity
Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
Azrael
I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
Jay
Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!
[suddenly starts sniggering]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marketing Faith to the Young
Cardinal Glick
Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook em while they're young.
[lights a cigarette]
Rufus
Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick
Christ, if only we had their numbers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Martyrdom and Misunderstanding in Conversation
Jay
You believe this shit?!
Rufus
You know, that's a lot like the good people of ] were saying, right before they stoned my ass!
[[w:Antioch|Antioch]
Bethany
You were martyred?
Rufus
That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.