Funny People Quotes

Mark When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?

Leo You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Clarke So, you're going to kill ], eh? That girl is a menace to society, isn't she? Fuck her! What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?

Laura George.

Clarke This George?

George Look out.

Laura Yeah.

Clarke Oh, well. Then I just want Cameron dead. Over her dead body.

Leo If you put "cue kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're going to get 1,000,000 hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.

Ira Why don't you call it, like, "] Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.

Leo Koenig You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?

Mark Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner!

Leo He'll do it too. I've seen him.

James Taylor Fuck Facebook!

Laura No cussing in your standup.

George That takes out half of my act.

Dr. Lars It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.

George Did anybody ever tell you you have a scary accent?

Dr. Lars You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.

George And I enjoy all of your movies.

Pieter Vanhecke Matthias is een platte gast.

Dr. Lars Which movies?

George The ones where you try to kill ].

George So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.

Ira I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

George Simmons Are you mad that you died at the end of ]?

George Simmons Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?