Hail, Caesar! Quotes

Baird Whitlock Hey, Hobie. You're a Communist, too?

Eddie Mannix What's on your mind, Laurence?

Laurence Laurentz Hobie Doyle cannot act!

Eddie Mannix Hobart Doyle is one of the biggest movie stars in the world.

Laurence Laurentz On horseback! But, this is a drama, Mannix, a real drama. It's an adaptation of a Broadway smash! it requires the skills of a trained thespian, not a rodeo clown.

Baird Whitlock These guys are pretty interesting, though. They've actually figured out the laws that dictate - everything! History! Sociology! Politics! Morality! Everything! It's all in a book called Capital - with a "K".

Eddie Mannix Is that right?

Baird Whitlock Yeah. You're not going to believe this. These guys even figured out what's going on here at the Studio. Because the Studio is nothing more than an instrument of capitalism. Yeah, so we blindly follow these laws like any any other institution. Laws that these guys figured out. The Studio makes pictures to serve the System. That is its function! That's really what we're up to here.

Eddie Mannix Is it?

Baird Whitlock Yeah. It's just confirming what they call - the status quo. I mean, we may tell ourselves that we're creating something of artistic value or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business. But, what it really is, is this fat cat, Nick Skank, out in New York, running this factory, serving up these lollipops to the - what they used to call the bread and circuses for the...

Eddie Mannix Now, you listen to me, buster. Nick Skank and the Studio have been good to you and to everyone else who works here. If I ever hear you bad mouthing Mr. Skank again, it'll be the last thing you say before I have you tossed in jail for colluding in your own abduction.

Baird Whitlock Eddie, I wouldn't, I would never do that!

Eddie Mannix Shut up! You're gonna go out there and you're going to finish "Hail Caesar!" You're gonna give that speech at the feet of the penitent thief and you're gonna believe every word you say. You're going to do it because you're an actor and that's what you do. Just like the director does what he does and the writer and the script girl and the guy who claps the slate. You're gonna do it because the picture has worth! And you have worth if you serve the picture and you're never gonna forget that again.

Baird Whitlock I won't forget, Eddie.

Eddie Mannix Damn right, you won't. Not as long as I run this dump.

Hobie Doyle Would that it were so simple?

Protestant Clergyman Who plays Christ?

Eddie Mannix A kid we're all very excited about, Todd Hocheiser, a wonderful young actor we found in Akron, Ohio, after a nationwide talent hunt. But Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly and with extreme taste. Our story is told through the eyes of a Roman tribune, Autochlus Antonius, an ordinary man, skeptical at first, but who comes to a grudging respect for this swell figure from the East.

Burt Gurney We are heading out to sea and however it will be, it ain't gonna be the same. cause no matter what we see, when we're out there on the sea, we ain't gonna see a dame. we'll be searching high and low on the deck and down below but it's a crying shame. Oh, we'll see a lot of fish but we'll never clock a dish. We ain't gonna see a dame. No dames! we might see some octopuses No dames! or a half a dozen clams No dames! we might even see a mermaid But mermaids got no gams! No gams! Have I got a girl for you! out there on the sea! Here's how it will be i'm gonna dance with you, pal you're gonna dance with me! When we're out there on the sea we'll be happy as can be Or so the Captain claims! But we have to disagree. Cause the only guarantee Is I'll see a lot of you And you'll see a lot of me! And it's absolutely certain That we'll see a lot of sea. But we ain't gonna see no dames. No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! We ain't gonna see no Dames!

Eddie Mannix Tell them, "Thanks, but no thanks." That short enough for you?

Director Squint against the grandeur!

Carlotta Valdez It's all in the hips, the lips, and the eyes and the thighs.

Eddie Mannix Here at Capitol Pictures, as you know, an army of technicians, actors, and top notch artistic people are working hard to bring to the screen the story of the Christ. It's a swell story.

Catholic Clergyman It's the foundation of our belief that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God. It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself, so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings, through faith, may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Eddie Mannix So, God is - split?

Catholic Clergyman Yes! And no.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman There is unity in division.

Protestant Clergyman And division in unity.

Eddie Mannix I'm not sure I follow padre.

Rabbi Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason. These men are screwballs.

Narrator It is 5:00 AM. Still shank of night for some. But, for Eddie Mannix, beginning of a new work day. The movie studio for which he works manufactures stories. Each, its own daylit drama, or moonlit dream. But, the work of Essie Mannix cares not for day or night. And cares little for his rest.

Eddie Mannix Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Priest How long since your last confession my son?

Eddie Mannix Twenty-seven hours.

Priest It's really too often, you're not that bad.

Hobie Doyle It's complicated.

Eddie Mannix We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here. If we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage. My question is: is our depiction fair?

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman I have seen worse.

Eddie Mannix Reverend?

Protestant Clergyman There's nothing to offend a - reasonable man.

Eddie Mannix Father?

Catholic Clergyman The motion picture teleplay was respectful and exhibited tastefulness and class.

Rabbi Who made you an expert all of the sudden?

Eddie Mannix And, what do you think, Rabbi?

Rabbi Eh? I haven't an opinion.

Eddie Mannix Let me see if Arne is open to matrimony. You sure he's the father?

DeeAnna Moran Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, he's the father, yes! ...Pretty sure.

Eddie Mannix Any more thought about who you might marry?

DeeAnna Moran I ain't doin that again! I had two marriages. It just cost the Studio a lot of money to bust them up.

Eddie Mannix Well, we had to have those annulled. One was to a minor mob figure...

DeeAnna Moran Vince was not minor!

Eddie Mannix And Buddy Flynn was a bandleader with a long history of narcotics use.

DeeAnna Moran Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'! They were both louses! Marryin a third louse ain't gonna do me no good.

Eddie Mannix I've offered you some very suitable young men.

DeeAnna Moran Pretty boys, saps and swishes! What you think if there wasn't a good reliable man, I wouldn't have grabbed him?

Eddie Mannix What about Arne Seslum? He is the father isn't he?

DeeAnna Moran Yeah. Yeah.

Eddie Mannix A marriage doesn't have to last forever; but, DeeAnna having a child without a father would present a public relations problem for the Studio.

Eddie Mannix As for the religious aspect, does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?

Catholic Clergyman Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple as your photoplay would have it.

Eddie Mannix How so, father?

Catholic Clergyman It's not the case, simply, that Christ is God or God - Christ.

Rabbi You can say that again! The Nazarene was not God.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman He was not not God.

Rabbi He was a man.

Protestant Clergyman Part God.

Rabbi No, sir!

Eddie Mannix Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?

Baird Whitlock That's what happened to me when I went to Reno with Danny Kaye and he asked me to shave his back. Exact same thing. Because, I'm thinkin', who benefits? So, let me tell ya, everybody thinks that Danny's a jerk, he's not really a jerk. That's just a theory generating its own anti-theory. Anyway, there we were, it's me and Danny and I'm wondering what the hell am I doin with a razor in my hand? And he says it's for a Norman Taurog picture. But, Judy Canova's there and she knows Norman and she says, "Danny's not doing a Norman Taurog picture! He just wants you to shave his back!" And that's who benefits!