Highway - Quotes

Taglines: Come as you are

Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!

Shanks: [''Turns to Jack''] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?

Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.

Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.

Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?

Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...

Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.

Pilot Kelson: Go.

Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?

Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.

Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?

Pilot Kelson: [''Slurred''] Pi... lot.

Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?

Pilot Kelson: Forever.

Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.

Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.

Jack Hayes: No.

Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.

Jack Hayes: Go.

Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?

Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.

Pilot Kelson: [[w:fellatio|blowjobs] Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star. We haven't begun calculating ] yet. Oh!

Pilot: He was amazing, wasn't he? Wasn't he amazing, Jack?

Jack: Amazing.

Pilot: Desmond the Alligator Boy is a major happener. Isn't he?

Jack: Whatever you say, Pilot.

Pilot: Would you want to be him?

Jack: What are you doing?

Pilot: What?

Jack: What are you doing, you fuck? What is with all these stupid questions?

Pilot: What? Why wouldn't you wanna be him?

Jack: Why? Because he's green... because his skin is disgusting... because he's brain damaged... because his head is misshapen. You want me to go on?

Pilot: No. You think he's happy?

Jack: Pilot!

Pilot: What? One question. Just answer me that. Do you think he's happy?

Jack: I don't know, Pilot. But maybe we can ask the old lady... when we go and say good-bye.

Pilot: What? You don't want to say good-bye?

Jack: I didn't say that.

Pilot: Yes, you did, dude! I heard you.

Jack: Cassandra, did you hear?

Cassie: I did.

Pilot: When we go and say good-bye," like it was the stupidest fucking thing you ever heard. And it was my idea.

Jack: I did not say that. But it was the stupidest fucking thing... I ever heard, by the way.

Pilot: Why?

Cassie: Are you guys, by any chance, in love?

Pilot: Why?

Jack: Bro, why do we have to go and say good-bye tomorrow? I mean, couldn't we just have... said good-bye today?

Cassie: I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll meet you all at the bar.

Mrs. Murray: [[w:600s BC|In around 600 B.C.; [w:Aesop|there was a slave] ]... ]. A slave of wealthy Greek noblemen. He was horribly deformed. And all day long... this monstrous-looking man... would spin wondrous tales of heroic animals. Great tales, but they tended to show... the weaknesses of men. So, the storyteller was killed by a crazed mob... who were insulted... that his stories showed animals as brave and smart... and people as weak and stupid.

Jack: Really? Wow.

Pilot: Amazing.

Mrs. Murray: Oh, wait. The punch line is: the storyteller's name was Aesop.

Jack: Really? Wow.

Pilot: Amazing.

Cassie: [[w:Aesop's Fables|''Aesop's Fables''] As in ]?

Jack: Yes.

Pilot: Really?

Jack: Wow!

Pilot: Amazing!

Jack: I didn't know that. I didn't know that Aesop was a freak.

Jack: What's your name?

Cassie: Cassie.

Jack: As in Cassandra?

Cassie: Yeah, as in Cassandra. What's your name?

Pilot: Pilot. This is Jack.

Cassie: Yeah? Why Pilot?

Pilot: I don't like to talk about it.

Jack: His mother picked up... an airline pilot one night-

Pilot: But Jack loves to.

Jack: [[w:Dallas Fort Worth International airport|near DFW] At a bar ].

Pilot: That's Dallas-Fort Worth.

Jack: They fucked, the pilot left... she got pregnant...only she never caught the pilot's name.

Cassie: Mom's a peach. She named you Pilot.

Jack: Exactly, Cassandra.

Cassie: Wow. Zowie. What?

Jack: You did a good thing.

Cassie: Huh?

Jack: [[w:fisherman|a fisherman; [w:proctologist|proctologist; [w:Pest control|an exterminator] Most people when told the story... will inevitably say... "Good thing he wasn't ]. Good thing... he wasn't a ]. Good thing he wasn't ].

Cassie: Okay, I see, because if the guy... had been like a proctologist... then Pilot's name might be like, um...

Jack: [[w:Sphincter|Sphincter] ].

Pilot: Exactly.

Jack: [[w:Anus|Anus; [w:Hemorrhoid|Hemorrhoid; [w:Dingleberry|Dingleberry] Or ]. Or ]. Or ].

Pilot: All right, all right. Can we stop?

Jack: How did she take it?

Pilot: She took it fine, you know, I mean... shit, all she's going to be without... are my clever observations.

Jack: You bang her yet?

Pilot: [[w:Caribbean|the Caribbean; [w:New jersey|Jersey] Not even close, man. If "bang her"... is an island off ]... me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in ].

Jack: [[w:List of brothels in Nevada|the Dan D] Whatever. The point is... you haven't been to ].

Pilot: Of course not, have you?

Jack: Clark brought me there when I was 12. Good old Clark!

Pilot: [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland] Who needs ]?

Jack: It's on the way, maybe we could stop by.

Pilot: What for?

Jack: If there's something wrong with your pipe... the Dan D. Fine will clean it out.

Pilot: There's nothing wrong with me. Well, I mean, maybe... look, man, we've got to put miles... between us and the Veg, you know? And plus, you know, there are bound to be... other places like the Dan D. Fine... further along down the road.

Jack: What did you say?

Pilot: I mean, I think it's better... if we just skip it.

Jack: Bro, there is nothing... nothing like the Dan D. Fine. So get in the fucking car. Let's go, you pussy. Make a woman out of you yet.

Pilot: I can't believe that you told him... "We're thinking Seattle." What kind of total void are you, Jack?

Jack: Pilot, relax, man. He thinks we're going to Detroit.

Pilot: [''Jack throws him keys and he opens the trunk''] Yeah? Man, tomorrow morning... that freak wakes up... his nipple ring's been torn off... he's got a brand-new monkey in his closet... and a 14-year-old Asian boy... lying next to him is in a diabetic coma... he won't remember a fucking thing about last night... except that we're taking our trick asses to Seattle! Give me the keys.

Jack: So we don't go to Seattle. We'll just go someplace else.

Pilot: Someplace else?

Jack: [[w:South Dakota|South Dakota; [w:Albuquerque|Albuquerque; [w:Tempe, Arizona|Tempe; [w:Valencia (disambiguation)|Valencia; [w:Reno, Nevada|Reno] Yeah, like I said... I've got an aunt in ]. I got a cousin... in ], ], ]. Oh, bro! There's a black belt convention in ]! Come on!

Pilot: No. It's cool. You're right. I mean, Scawldy thinks we're going to Detroit... let's go to Seattle.

Scawldy: [''Jack and Pilot enter Scawldy's bar, and he comes up to Jack and hugs him''] Boys! What up! What's up, Jack? Jack! The God of Fuck, bro! Bro, Jilly Miranda.

Jack: Oh, no.

Scawldy: [''Bends down to Jack's crotch''] Hello? Hello? Bad dick! Very bad dick! Bad dick! Well, since I'm down here, I might as well just for a little bit-

Jack: [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|that Kennedy was assassinated] How does everybody on Planet Fricking Earth... know this shit already? You guys never know anything. You don't even know... ].

Scawldy: Wait, George Kennedy was assassinated? Bro, Jilly Miranda is a deviant, okay? She's a major deve. She gets off on causing trouble, okay? But did she at least... make you bust a little coo-coo-coo? Did you? 11 years... he hasn't busted a nut, right?

Jack: Hey, five.

Scawldy goon: Taking it off over here, boss.

Scawldy: Hey, Pilot, you little fuck, did you sell that boom?

Pilot: [''Mayhem [[w:Pitbull dog|the Pitbull dog] Yeah. ] starts barking at Pilot]

Scawldy: Hey, shut up! Mayhem, shut the fuck up! All right. The hound has some major trust issues... with our boy Pilot here.

Scawldy goon: Yo, wiping it off over here, boss.

Scawldy: [[w:Whiskey Pete|Whiskey Pete's] Listen, I tell you, putting you down at that water park... was an entrepreneurial milestone. Speaking of which... there's a rave over by ].

Scawldy goon: Yo, sip of water over here, boss.

Scawldy: [''To dog''; [w:Gamma-hydroxybutyrate|some GHB; [w:LSD|some window pane] Will you shut the fuck up for a blink of an eye! I want you over there... with ] and ], all right?

Pilot: Yo, I can't.

Scawldy: What?

Pilot: I can't, man. I'm going with Jack.

Scawldy: Going with Jack where?

Pilot: [''Mayhem ferociously pulls on Pilot's sleeve''] Scawldy! Scawldy!

Jack: I've got to bail!

Scawldy: Of course, right. Burt Miranda. Of course, of course. All right, man, that's cool. Where you guys headed?

Jack: We're thinking Seattle, you know?

Scawldy: [''Serves two [[w:Colt 45 (malt liquor)|Colt 45s] Jilly Miranda, man... I'd like to take a ride on her. Little sweet ass pooper, you know what I mean? ] on table] Wahoo! Let's go.

Jack: No, Scawldy, look... I've got to get out of here, all right?

Scawldy: [''Sits down''] What is your rush, boys? Come on, you've got the world... by a fucking string right here!

Jack: Scawldy! I've got to go!

Pilot: Yo, man, can I have my cut?

Jack: They're after my fucking toes, man!

Scawldy: [''Screams''] FUCK! Well, otay. Where you guys going? Detroit? Dee-troit?

Pilot: Yeah, Detroit. Detroit's cool.

Scawldy: [[w:Ted Nugent|Motor City Madman, Ted Fucking Nugent] Right on. Detroit's got that old school shit... you know what I'm saying? Like ], man. I got you in a stranglehold, baby

Pilot: You know, Scawld... we're thinking about getting a stake. Sell as we go, finance the trip. The Detroit trip.

Scawldy: What are you boys thinking about? What do you need?

Pilot: Well, what do you got?

Scawldy: [[w:cornucopia|what is that thing at Thanksgiving... the horn thing, the fucking horn thing... overflowing with goodies] What have I got? Dude, what have I got? I got it all, man! I got- I'm the fucking- Dude, I'm the fucking thing... ]?!

Scawldy goon: The fucking horn thing... with all the fucking goodies coming out!

Scawldy: Nice working with you, fuckface! What do you call that thing?

Pilot: A cornucopia.

Scawldy: [''Points at him''; [w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak; ''mimics taking a toke''; [w:Methaqualone|'ludes in powdered form; [w:Motel 6|the Motel 6] Aha, there you go! Pilot, my man, knows everything! He's a regular goddamn ]! I got it all! I got the kind, daffy fucking bud, man... the hydro nuggety-nugs... red fiber... herbal medications sweep upon the nation! The red, red, red, red fiber, you know what I'm saying! I've got an amino acid concoction... marinating in the back right now, man! It creates a totally profound excursion! It opens up all your fucking pleasure glands... you know what I'm saying?! You're like in a field of snow... but you're really in sand... and you're making a goddamn little angel! Good God almighty, you're creating symphonies, you had no idea! You'll be a genius, my friend! I got rock soaked in the wine cooler. I've got wine cooler that's been soaked in rock! I got these new ]! You snort it up! Your head flies open! The bats fly in, they shoot out! I fucking snapped out of it... I chomped about four of them, right?! And I was fucking the Coke machine... in ]!

Scawldy goon: She was coming Fresca, man, like crazy.

Scawldy: [[w:opium|opium; ''Screams into Colt 45 bottle at head, imagining it as a phone''] I got some mushroom tea. I got some ecstasy. I got some ]. And I think I hear the police coming after me. I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming after me. What's it going to be, boys?

Pilot: [[w:Benzodiazepine|two Z's of endo; [w:ecstasy|100 hits of E] How about you give us ], ], and a page of blotter?

Scawldy: That's my man, pots and pans. I have it ready. I'll fill your order.

Pool kid: This smells like shit.

Pilot: It's because they're grown in shit. You look at them? They're blue, means they're good.

Jack: [''Making love to Jill on bed''] Jack and Jilly went up the hilly... to get a pail of water.

Jill Miranda: Give it to me!

Burt Miranda: [''Enters house''] What in fuck's sake is going on here?!

Jill Miranda: Burt! I can explain.

Burt Miranda: You see what I just did there? I was beginning to suspect things. You see, Jack?

Jack: I see.

Jill Miranda: He raped me, Burt! He raped me!

Burt Miranda: [[w:human penis|that thing; ''Holds out pistol aimed at Jack''] Jilly, Jilly... shut up! You want to do something about ]?

Jill Miranda: Burt! No, Burt!

Jack: Mr. Miranda...

Burt Miranda: [[w:chlorine|There was too much chlorine] The pool guy. The pool guy. You know what upsets me most... hand to god... is that you are a great pool guy, Jack. When Salvatore was our pool guy... I could never open my eyes underwater. ], they burned for a week. But with you, my eyes are always open. I can play that game. You know, the one where I toss a penny... in the deep end... and then go hunt for it. With Salvatore... I could never play that game. You weren't-

Jill Miranda: [''Jack smashes a plant pot on Burt's head''] No, Burt!

Jill Miranda: [''Hands him glass of [[w:iced tea|iced tea] ] when he's cleaning pool] Ice tea, Jack?

Jack: Sure, Mrs. Miranda.

Jill Miranda: Sure is hot, isn't it, Jack?

Jack: It sure is, Mrs. Miranda.

Jill Miranda: Please, call me Jilly.

Jack: Sure, Mrs. Miranda. Um, Jilly.

Jill Miranda: [''Starts caressing his torso''; [w:Jack and Jill|Jack and Jilly. Jack and Jilly went up the hilly] I like that... the way my name sounds... coming off your lips. ].

Jack: What are you doing?!

Jill Miranda: Relax, Jack.

Jack: Mrs. Miranda, where is Mr. Miranda?

Jill Miranda: [''Jumps off from Jack passionately kissing her''] Wait, Jack!

Jack: What?!

Jill Miranda: What are you doing?!

Jack: What?!

Jill Miranda: It was too quick! It was too fucking quick!

Jack: What are you talking about?!

Jill Miranda: [[w:dominatrix|Quiver, quake, tremble a little. I didn't feel any nervousness] ]. It was just like the last time... and the time before.

Jack: Just like last time and the time before? "Jack and Jilly"?! "Jack and Jilly went up the hilly"?! How many times are you going to use... !Jack and Jilly went up the hilly"?!

Jill Miranda: I like Jack and Jilly went up the hilly.

Jack: Yeah, I know you do.

Jill Miranda: Well, listen, pal... this is my fucking fantasy. When you get your own pool... you can orchestrate your own fantasies!

Jack: Fine.

Jill Miranda: [[w:Jackie Collins|Jackie Fucking Collins; [w:erection|Bone up; ''Turns and walks into house''] Two words for you, little man. ]. ]!

Pre-ending credits quote- Jack Kerouac - On the Road (1957): What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? ...it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies...

Shanks: [''Walks up to Pilot''; ''Touches Pilot's lips''] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick? Like to suck it?

Johnny the Fox: [[w:Edmund Hillary|the Sir Edmund Hillary; [w:Mount Everest|the highest mountain] Congratulations you just became ] of assholes. You climbed ], Pilot. There's five big ones.

Johnny the Fox: A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!

Cassie: [''To Jack and Pilot''] Are you guys by any chance, in love?

Pilot Kelson: [''Laughs''] So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know? Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?

Pilot Kelson: [''Telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused''] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?

Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys

Pilot Kelson: Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener

Pilot Kelson: [''After the alligator boy screams''] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow

Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.

Pilot Kelson: You are one daffy invididual!

Jack Hayes: [''As he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda''] Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!