Home on the Range (2004) - Quotes

Additional Voices: [[w:Roger Yuan|Roger Yuan] ] - Chinese Rider

Additional Voices: [[w:Bruce A. Young|Bruce A. Young] ] - Morse, Cowboy

Additional Voices: [[w:Joe Whyte|Joe Whyte] ] - Vulture

Additional Voices: Evan Sabara - Fireworks Boy #2

Additional Voices: [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor] ] - Man on Train

Additional Voices: Wilbur Pauley

Additional Voices: Jordan Orr - Fireworks Boy #1

Additional Voices: Mickie McGowan

Additional Voices: Kevin Ligon

Additional Voices: Linda Kerns

Additional Voices: [[w:Leslie Jordan|Leslie Jordan] ] - Photographer

Additional Voices: Pam Hamill

Additional Voices: Linda Griffin

Additional Voices: Randy Erwin

Additional Voices: [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry] ] - Saloon Girls

Additional Voices: Tami Tappan Damiano

Additional Voices: Bob Bouchard

Additional Voices: Tim Blevins

Alamenda Slim: [grunts, Mrs Calloway pulls the train whistle] WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!

Sam: [worried] It's Alameda Slim!

Alameda Slim: [latest words before his muffled by the cow bell; yodels "Magic Carpet Ride" as Maggie attempts to silence him with her bell, but gets hypnotized as Grace jumps up into the air and kicks the cow bell into his mouth, silencing him and Maggie and Mrs. Calloway are free from his hypnotic yodeling] You think you've won?! It ain't over till the fat man sings!

Sam: [lashes the ropes to Alameda Slim who was muffled by the cow bell] Alameda Slim, you're under arrest.

Grace: Nobody messes with Pearl's, girls.

Buck: Say, girls, got milk?

Girls: Buck.

Buck: [Alameda Slim has been put into a paggy wagon with his mouth gagged and body wraps in a ropes] Just kidding.

Sam: [to his deputies; to Pearl showing Alameda Slim's bounty reward money] Take him away, boys. I hope you like stripes. Pearl, your cows can't do much with Alameda Slim's reward money. Think you can find some use for it?

Pearl Gesner: [hugs Mrs. Calloway and Grace and the other auctioneers cheer them] Woowie! My farm is saved!

Both: ["Hillbilly Holla" playing by North Mississippi and Allstars; to Uncle Slim] Uncle Silm, Uncle Slim!

Grace: Let's get out of here!

Junior: [Buck screams] Come back here, you dog meat!

Maggie: No. Come on, girls. We can't give up.

Mrs. Calloway: Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up, we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven.

Maggie: But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward?

Mrs. Calloway: We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole ridiculous plan is just so that you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers!

Maggie: Hey! For your information, duchess, this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm!

Maggie: What's that supposed to mean?!

Mrs. Calloway: Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior.

Maggie: Look, I was just having...

Mrs. Calloway: Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out, but you, Maggie, are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm.

Maggie: [furious] Well. If that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should just go our separate ways.

Mrs. Calloway: Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had.

Maggie: Fine.

Mrs. Calloway: Fine!

Maggie: FINE!

Mrs. Calloway: [Sits down as Grace looks sadly at the 2 of them and Maggie hangs her head] Fine.

Maggie: Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever going to feel like home to me anyways.

Alameda Slim: [laughing; [w:Texas Longhorn|Texas Longhorn] 5,000 ]s. Not bad for one night's work.

Phil: [He and Bill are playing with a cootie catcher] Pick a color.

Alameda Slim: [Phil and Bill pay attention to Alameda Slim and clap] I said, not bad for one night's work. Thank you. And judging by the ear mark, I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd.

Gil: Big Mike Donald had a farm?

Phil and Bill: [Alameda Slim bashes them on the heads with his fists] E-I-E-I... Ohh...

Alameda Slim: [He goes to his dressing screen stock and puts on his Yancy O'Del disguise] That's right. He had a farm. Now that all his cash cows have disappeared, that poor sap's gonna be flat broke. Perfect time for a certain upstanding land owner to step in and take all the land.

Phil: [screams] Ahhh! Who are you?!

Bill: What did you do with Uncle Slim?!

Phil: [Alameda Slim grabs his fingers] Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches! Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Alameda Slim: [Alameda Slim takes off the glasses and the blue top hat and holding a cane] It's me! Hello! This here is the disguise I use to sneak into all them auctions and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys.

Gil: [[W:American west|the west; Phil and Bill clap] Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the ].

Alameda Slim: [He grabs a branding iron and brands Mike Donald's Farm and the Dixon Farm on the map] Yes, but the part that really warms my heart is watching those homesteaders suffer. Back in the day, I worked the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen, but those stuck-up ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents.

Phil: Maybe they just didn't like your singing.

Alameda Slim: [Bill covers his brother's mouth] My singing?! Songbirds sing. saloon gals sing. little bitty snot-nosed children sing. I yodel, and yodeling IS AN ART!

Bill: Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling.

Gil: He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim. Everybody likes yodeling.

Alameda Slim: Hmm?

Gil: Why, it's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds in the whole west.

Alameda Slim: Uh, Gil?

Gil: Uh-huh?

Alameda Slim: Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair you've managed to sit in the exact same spot, BLOCKING THAT CHOICE-PIECE OF PROPERTY FROM MY VIEW?!

Gil: [beat; Alameda Slim grabs him by the neck; Gil makes unintelligible noises] This is my comfy place. What?

Phil: It's called Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim. Goes on auction Thursday morning.

Alameda Slim: [his fury quickly replaced by eagerness; He hits Gil on the head with his branding iron and letting us him go] Perfect. Pencil it in. Thursday mornin'. Right after we sell off this herd.

Bill: But it's just a little old dirt farm.

Alameda Slim: [He brands Patch of Heaven on the map with his branding iron] Ah, what's the difference? When you're talking my revenge, every last acre... counts.

Maggie: It's payback time. Cover me!

Grace: With what?

The Willie Brothers: Howdy, Slim.

Alameda Slim: [sings "Yodel-Adle-Eedle-Idle-Odel" alongside the Willie Brothers; yodels "[[w:William Tell Overture|William Tell Overture; [w:Yankee Doodle|Yankee Doodle; [w:Symphony No. 9 (Beethoven)|Beethoven's Ode to Joy] Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. Here we go, boys! 5,000 cattle in the side pocket! ]", "]" and "]" and continues to sings]

Grace: [Alameda Slim cackles as the girls scream] Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, snap out of it!

Rico: [grunts and girls screams] Oh!

Man: Rico, if you'd just been a second earlier...

Mrs. Calloway: What was that?

Grace: That must be Slim and the Willies.

Barry, Bob and the Herd of Bulls: [freaking out] Slim and the Willies!

Barry: [to Mrs. Calloway, mistaking her for Grace] Don't worry, darling. I'll protect you.

Mrs. Calloway: You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof... before I snap it off at the knee.

Barry: Sorry, madam. I thought you were the blonde...

Grace: What's going to happen to the cow who lived there?

Maggie: She'll be okay.

Grace: How do you know?

Maggie: You're looking at her.

Grace: This was your farm?

Maggie: Mm-hmm. We had like a family too, you know.

Grace: What happened?

Maggie: Alameda Slim happened...

Mrs. Calloway: We are not following this wagon, and that is final.

Maggie: [elbows her] C'mon, Calloway. It'll be fun.

Mrs. Calloway: Did you just hit me?!

Maggie: [elbows her again] Kinda?

Mrs. Calloway: Well, stop it.

Maggie: [elbows her once again] WHY?

Mrs. Calloway: [Maggie teases her, then pushes her, causing her hat to fall into a small mud puddle] Because I don't like it.

Grace: [pause; Mrs. Calloway gets angry at Maggie] Oh, no! Not the hat!

Maggie: [Mrs. Calloway shoves her to another mud puddle. She puts her at back on and wipes the mud off, but Maggie shoves her back] What? What about the...

Grace: [Mrs. Calloway and Maggie begin to mud wrestle as Grace slinks away] All right, all right, violence is not going to solve anything. Why don't we all take a deep cleansing breath...

Rusty: [gets mud splashed on him] Hey, now! Mud wrestling!

Buck: [laughs as mud gets on Rico's saddle; wipes the mud off the saddle with his tail] Hey, hey, watch the saddle.

Sam: [grabs his rope] What in tarnation?

Mrs. Calloway: [gets lassoed along with Maggie and Grace] Maggie, for the last time, I will not be roped into this scheme!

Sam: [ties the cows to the back of the chuckwagon belonging to a Chinese rider] Come on, you crazy heifers! Come on! Dagnabit! Hey, partner, curb your livestock. This town is clean!

Chinese Rider: [speaking Chinese] Wow! Free cows! What a country! Giddy-up!

Maggie: Not exactly what I had in mind, but this'll work.

Mrs. Calloway: Well, it doesn't work for me!

Male Singers: Out in the land where the men are tough as cactus

Maggie: [narrates; Fly buzzing and approaches to Maggie; scene cuts to night, where Alameda Slim and his gang; as Alameda Slim yodels and the cows start mooing and they got captured from Maggie's ranch; Abner sees the cows are missing and taken away by Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers then he sees Maggie from the trance, then he takes Maggie out from his barn to another place; Maggie sees Lucky Jack that the snake was eaten his head, and runs to the cactus] Home on the range. Once upon a time, I had a home on the range, But not anymore. Well, it's no use crying over spilled milk. Speaking of which, that's me. I'm the cow. Yeah, they're real, quit staring. I'm sort of between homes right now. I lost my old place... thanks to the meanest bunch of cattle rustlers in the west... Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers Gang. Somehow, they stole the whole herd... right out from under our noses and then they disappeared without a trace. After that... poor old Abner couldn't afford to keep the place... or me, either, for that matter Well, no matter how bad things get, there's probably somebody worse off. That guy, for instance.

Junior: Cows only.

Buck: [from trailer] Let's not put the cows before the horse.