Hoodwinked! (2006) - Quotes

Vincent: Oh, yeah.

Dolph: You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!

Granny: Bring it, honey.

Granny: Well, what's your name?

Boingo: Umm...just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley face.

Granny: Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.

2-Tone: Yo!

P-Biggie: Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!

2-Tone: Gimme one of those!

Zorra: Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.

2-Tone: Snickadeedoo!

P-Biggie: Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?

2-Tone: Granny! What's happening?

Granny: What up, my homies?

Granny: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.

Red: I'm not so little anymore!

Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.

Red: But-

Granny: [blows air kisses and hangs up. The camera pulls back to show Granny is holding ski poles and wearing skis] I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. Time to shred some powder!

Granny: [beginning to tell her story] It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme!

Flippers: So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.

Kirk: I got the callback!

Flippers: And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.

Kirk: Exactly! What does that mean?

Chief Grizzly: That it all points to Granny.

Kirk: Sorry little birds!

Turtle: [he and his mate start inching along with strained necks] RUN!

Kirk: [sputters] What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been... They stole everything!

Boingo: [the children part to reveal Boingo, holding Red's carrot crumpet] Oh, that's too bad. It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?

Kirk: I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today! I cannot even sell the bunion cream! Now I'm gonna lose my job!

Boingo: Well chin up, mister! Maybe someday, somebody will open up a great big goody shop, and we can all work for that little guy.

Kirk: [trying out for a commercial] Arrrgh! Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula...

Jimmy Lizard: [interrupts; music stops] Whoa, whoa, whoa, no! Hold it, hold it! Ho, ho, stop...Look, "Argh"?

Kirk: Uh-huh...

Jimmy Lizard: What...what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?

Kirk: I just got the script, like, five minutes ago...I'm trying...

Jimmy Lizard: Okay, sure, sure, um...you're not gettin it...

Chief Grizzly: [to Det. Stork about Kirk] This guy's a loon.

Det. Stork: Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.

Flippers: [to Kirk] My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?

Kirk: This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!

Det. Stork: [slams Kirk's pick axe down in front of him] Then what's this?! A letter opener?!

Chief Grizzly: Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.

Kirk: [cowboy accent] I can do the Cowboy accent. "Howdy, partner!

Flippers: Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?

Wolf: [knocks on door; opens the door, finding it unlocked] Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram!

Twitchy: Huh, whadda we do, boss?

Twitchy: [bored] Oh....

Wolf: [lifts up the mask] Ooh! Boy, that's hot. Okay, change of plans, you can be Granny.

Red: [coming from the foyer] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?

Wolf: [pulls down the mask] Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.

Chief Grizzly: [offscreen; cut back to the present day] Pretty thin, Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?!

Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief! I don't make it.

Red: [rolls her eyes] For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.

Wolf:: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.

Chief Grizzly: You got a way to back this up?

Twitchy: [appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!

Flippers: [examines the photos; shows picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume] That so? Let's have a look... Hmmm...these are good...Ha... Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.

Twitchy: I wanna do an expose sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chi tea/latte book.

Flippers: Photos don't lie, Chief.

Wolf: Good work, Twitchy.

Flippers: I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?

Det. Stork: [laughs uncontrollably, until Chief Grizzly stares blankly at him] Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Uh, I'll bring him in.

Wolf: Now this is a shortcut!

Twitchy: What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!

Wolf: Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.

Twitchy: Hey lookie-lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!

Wolf: [Twitchy lights one, and holds up...a stick of dynamite with a sparking fuse] Box of candles? Light em up! Wow that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?

Wolf: [freaking out] AH! Lose the candle!

Wolf: You hear something?

Twitchy: Hmmm?

Wolf: Huh. Come on, let's get to Granny's.

Twitchy: So can we eat?

Wolf: Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? Cause that's what's for lunch.

Twitchy: Well, what do we do?

Wolf: We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.

Boingo: [appears] Is it a surprise?

Wolf: Excuse me?

Boingo: [forcefully scratches his right ear against his head] You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there some kind of shim dig, cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat!

Wolf: Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?

Boingo: Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.

Wolf: [to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.

Boingo: You go over the woods and through the river...no, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.

Wolf: [cuts to Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a dark tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light] You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade. And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.

Twitchy: Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!

Wolf: [immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist; holds up a brightly colored Easter Egg with illegible handwriting and a tiny map scribbled on the side] Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off. Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg... ...which is very hard to read.

Twitchy: Oh, we're gonna die in here!

Wolf: Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!

Wolf: Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.

Twitchy: Sounds good, sounds good.

Caterpillar 1: I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-

Caterpillar 2: Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.

Caterpillar 1: Shh. Up there.

Caterpillar 1: Do you mind?

Wolf: [embarrassed; aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices] Ooh. Sorry.

Boingo's voice: Hey, you deliver up this far?

Red's voice: [unintelligible due to static] ...but I was thinking of...the Muffin Man...Granny's recipes...an evil plan...to shut down everyone in the forest.

Wolf: [lowers his radar] I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?

Wolf: [deadpan, into tape recorder; as Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red; facepalms; steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps] Ouch. Ugh. Afternoon.

Red: Hello.

Wolf: [Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera] So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. Yep, gravity's working...So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular?

Red: Uhhh...my granny.

Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?

Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister!

Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.

Red: I'd rather you didn't.

Wolf: [looks at his tail, embarrassed; turns to Twitchy] I mean, please! Come back here! What are you doing?!

Twitchy: Sorry! I was just winding! I was just - You had your tail-

Wolf: [a taxi cab picks him up, but leaves Twitchy behind; Wolf sees Red run past; the taxi drops off him; into his tape recorder; steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes] Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red?! Red Riding Hood?! We'll never catch her. Taxi! Whoa, that was her. We passed her. Right here's fine. Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. Hand over the basket!

Red: [starts kicking and punching him] Hi-yah!

Flippers: [incredulous] So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?

Wolf: Hey.

Red: [spin-kicks Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off] HIIII-YAH!!

Wolf: [as Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff; falls and screams into the freezing water below; floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him; sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently] Come back here, you little brat! Okay. Not cool. You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and you little granny too!

Fisherman: Hmm. That's fishy.

Wolf: What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!

Wolf: How's it goin', Woolworth?

Woolworth: Man, what are you doing here?! The shepherd comes by and sees me talkin to you, I'm gonna get the crook!

Wolf: Yeah? Well, there's a bigger crook on the loose that I'm concerned about. What do you hear about the Goody Bandit?

Woolworth: [sees Twitchy in a sheep suit] What do I know from goodies? Hiya, Twitchy.

Twitchy: Baa!

Woolworth: [Wolf slips him some money] Don't know a thing. Never heard of her. Little Red? Processing. Yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put an invisible fence, I tasted metal fillings for a week!

Wolf: Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for?

Woolworth: [Wolf slips him some more money] How should I know? I ain't that curious! It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?

Wolf: Puckett?

Woolworth: That's her grandma.

Wolf: The Granny Puckett? You pullin the wool over my eyes?

Woolworth: [sarcastically] Ha ha, hilarious. You come up with that yourself? That's funny.

Wolf: [gives a cold glare to Woolworth] You're looking pretty tasty.

Woolworth: Why you gotta be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.

Wolf: Except the little girl.

Woolworth: The word in the herd is that she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain.

Wolf: Cable car?

Wolf: [on his tape recorder; hears singing, and sees Red riding her bike nearby, narrating; as he watches through some bushes, he sees some hummingbirds carry Red and her bike across a stream; retreats behind the bushes; continues narrating; takes out his tape recorder and presses the record button; as he scratches his chin and ponders, Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to him, causing him to jump] No deserts. Waste of time. The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies passed through her hands than anybody else in the whole forest. She seemed happy. A little too happy. Whoa! Creepy! I was starting to have my suspicions. Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? Ah! Twitchy, you scared me.

Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?

Wolf: Twitchy, you've gotta calm down.

Twitchy: I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.

Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?

Twitchy: [pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala-

Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We've gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?

Twitchy: Got the 220x and a photo-grab with auto-focus. Ooo, look at that - comes with a 500 mm lens. You want the color or black and white?

Wolf: Doesn't matter.

Twitchy: [immediately takes a picture in the Wolf's face, briefly blinding him] I brought a flash!

Wolf: Will you put that away?! It's covert. No flash!

Twitchy: [takes the flash off; grins] Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh!

Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?

Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee!

Wolf: Don't I get a drink?

Chief Grizzly: No!

Flippers: So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?

Wolf: You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.

Chief Grizzly: Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!

Flippers: [squints and scrutinizes the Wolf] Your face looks familiar!

Wolf: I get around the forest.

Flippers: What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?

Wolf: [Stork strikes his hand with his baton] I'm a shepherd. Hey!

Red: You might as well confess! I told them everything!

Wolf: Will you keep her away from me, please!

Flippers: I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.

Wolf: [nonchalantly] I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.

Chief Grizzly: Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?

Flippers: Worse. He's a reporter.

Red: A what?!

Wolf: And I've got the real story.

Red: Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?

Wolf: Oh! Oh yeah, sure thing.

Flippers: So this Wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?

Red: Yes.

Wolf: [in flashback] I'm your grandma.

Flippers: And you bought that?

Red: [cuts flashback; cut; cut; cut] No. Not really. Whoa, what big hands you have! And what big ears you have! What bad breath you have! What big eyes you have!

Wolf: [in flashback] Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!

Flippers: Yes, yes, and then the fellow with the axe burst in?

Red: [waves her hands in a "stop everything" gesture; everything on-screen except for Red freezes in time, and rewinds; Kirk flies back out the window and the window repairs itself; Wolf corners Red in the living room with a fireplace poker; in flashback; voiceover; Granny bursts out of the closet and emits a battle cry] No! No! Not yet! First, I was attacked by that crazy wolf! Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! Then my granny jumped out of the closet. But she was tied up.

Flippers: [snickers] And then the Axeman Cometh?

Red: [Kirk bursts back through the window] You got it. Only, he was screaming.

Kirk: [weakly] Aargh?

Red: [glares at him, angrily] Like a maniac!

Chief Grizzly: Wow!

Det. Stork: Hmm.

Flippers: Ah. So that was it?

Red: That wolf was going to eat us all...

Chief Grizzly: The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him-

Flippers: Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.

Granny: Red!

Red: [looks up and, to her shock, sees Granny in the clouds above her] Granny?

Granny: Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!

Red: [looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends] What?!

Japeth: [flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused] I was prepared!

Red: [looks at Japeth, who is swinging around on the chandelier and yodeling; sighs and turns back to the map] Are these tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove! Oh...

Red: Granny?

Granny: Huh? What's that? Who's there?

Red: It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-

Granny: [slips on something] Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to...put down fresh doilies! Aah!

Red: Granny! Granny! What's wrong?

Granny: [hangs up] Gotta go, munchkin. Banzai!

Red: [a worried expression creeps over her face; hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed] Oh no! Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!

Red: Oh, good! More singing...

Red: [sees a mine shack across the meadow and runs towards it; Japeth is rocking on his horns as Red walks up the hill to the front porch; Japeth doesn't hear her and continues yodeling] Hello! Hello. I'm looking for...Granny Puckett's house?

Japeth: [singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...

Red: Could you stop singing for one moment?

Japeth: [singing] No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...

Red: [beat] Everything?

Japeth: [speaking] That's right.

Red: [points a finger at Japeth] You just talked! Just now!

Japeth: [singing] Oh, did I? Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...

Wolf: You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too!

Chief Grizzly: [offscreen; cuts back to the interview] Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

Timmy: [oinks] Chickens?

Red: You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

Flippers: [nods] Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

Tommy: [on radio] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?

Bruce: Uh, the creepy one?

Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.

Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?

Red: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

Boingo: I guess running the cable car's not so bad. You know, it's a great way to see the forest without having to worry about all the big, hairy beasts down there!

Red: [unnerved] Beasts?

Boingo: [hops over towards her end of the cabin] Oh, yeah, you know, beasts- the-the wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the...sabre tooth tigers! Bu-but mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. Forests can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my, well look at me, I'm fuzzy. Hey, you deliver up this far?

Red: [the doors fly open and she flails around, trying to keep her balance] Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier - about the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful.

Boingo: [jumps for Red's basket] No!

Wolf: Afternoon.

Red: [beat] Hello.

Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.

Red: Oh, you saw that.

Wolf:: [sniffs] Yep, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the...You should write a letter. Wow, something smells good. Are those...goodies in there?

Red: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Wolf: No, you shouldn't. Good call. So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?

Red: Uhhh...my granny.

Wolf: [sighs] Granny? Granny Puckett, the goodie lady? My goodness, she makes some good...goodies. She's got a thing. It's like a, uh, it's like, a, uh...cookies, shortbread chocolate icing between very... It's good. Uh, it's very good. You make deliveries to your granny often?

Red: [shakes her head] I don't think I should tell you that.

Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?

Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister!

Wolf:: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.

Red: I'd rather you didn't.

Woodpecker: [sees the magazine cover] Watchya readin', Red? "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?

Red: [throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car] No. The world is too dangerous for me.

Driver: [swerves and revs his engine; cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera] Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! I'm okay! I'll walk it off!

Woodpecker: You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?

Red: [waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance] If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one...but I can't. I'm just a kid.

Woodpecker: [Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches; Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it; fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet] I'm just a woodpecker. Uh-oh. "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"?

Owner: [turns and trudges away, muttering to herself] Ruined...

Red: [looks back at the store safe; and with determination, she grabs the recipe book from the safe] It means someone wants our recipes...

Woodpecker: Are they gonna get your recipes?

Red: [glares at him; loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray] Not today.

Flippers: [grabbing a sandwich from the fridge] So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?

Red: Help yourself.

Flippers: [flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue] And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain alone?

Red: Yeah. I guess I did.

Boingo: [hops into her basket] Hey Red! Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.

Red: [smiles] Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?

Boingo: [glumly] No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!

Red: Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?

Boingo: Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.

Red: [hands him one] Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better?

Boingo: [brightens] Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally...devil!

Red: Yeah, well, the woods don't go round by themselves.

Mother Beaver: Come on, let's go.

Child Beaver: Where are we going now, mama?

Red: [narrating] With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.

Granny: I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.

Red: Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!

Granny: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.

Red: I'm not so little anymore!

Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.

Red: But-

Granny: [blows air kisses and hangs up] I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses.

Flippers: What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How bout a cage?

Det. Stork: [on walkie-talkie, eager] Bring in the cage!

Flippers: I was being sarcastic.

Det. Stork: [on walkie-talkie, disappointed] Sarcasm. Strike the cage...

Chief Grizzly: [sighs] Well all right. Get the cuffs off her.

Nicky Flippers: So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?

Red: Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goodie shop.

Chief Ted Grizzly: Bill.

Det. Bill Stork: [turns around, startled] Chief!

Chief Grizzly: All right, uh, what have we got?

Det. Stork: Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an axe without a license, intent to eat...

Chief Grizzly: I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?

Det. Stork: You mean the Goodie Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.

Chief Grizzly: The cookbook lady?

Det. Stork: Yeah that's the one.

Chief Grizzly: [opens the door] Hmm.

Det. Stork: Okay, Paul Bunyan here was swinging the axe, and Wolfie was trying to eat Li'l Bit.

Chief Grizzly: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.

Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.

Chief Grizzly: [turns to Red] Well you can explain it to the judge. Shouldn't you be in school?

Red: Shouldn't I have a lawyer?

Chief Grizzly: [is distracted by something] Wha-What are you doing?

Pigs: Oh, uh, hey, Chief.

Chief Grizzly: Don't eat that! That's evidence!

Timmy: Right.

Chief Grizzly: All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: Little Miss Rosycakes making covert deliveries to the goodie tycoon, Wolfie tries to eat em both, then crazy flannel pants with the axe here busts in swinging vigilante style. Take em downtown, boys!

Det. Stork: Uh, it's the woods, Chief. We don't have a downtown.

Chief Grizzly: You know what I mean! Just book em!

Nicky Flippers: [enters through the back door] Not so fast, Grizzly. That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.

Chief Grizzly: Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!

Flippers: [eyes the four detainees] Well, well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. Now of course, I see I was right.

Chief Grizzly: Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case all wrapped up.

Flippers: Is that right?

Chief Grizzly: Yeah.

Red: They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.

Flippers: [walks over to her] Oh, I don't know. You look very dangerous to me. What's your name?

Red: Red.

Flippers: And why do they call you that?

Red: Why do they call you "Flippers"?

Flippers: [scratches his tie nervously] Uh, no reason.

Red: They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.

Flippers: [beat] What about when you're not wearing it?

Red: [quietly] I usually wear it.

Chief Grizzly: Recipes have been coming up missing all over the forest, goody shops have been going out of business for months, and the trail ends here! I got a case to close!

Flippers: Slow down, Chief. We've got four suspects, and that means four stories, and if you get people talking long enough, someone will spill the beans.

Tommy: [oinks] Beans?

Wolf: [muffled; cries out as he gets zapped] Look, could I just make a phone call?

Red: [to Flippers] I'll tell you what happened.

Narrator: [voiceover; cue the sound of a small girl screaming] Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: "You can't judge a book by its cover". If you want to know the truth, you've got to flip through the pages.

Red: [opens the door; hearing nothing, steps into the living room; looks around, uncertain] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?

Wolf: [falsetto voice] Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in.

Red: [cautiously approaches him] What? Wh-Who are you?

Wolf: I'm your grandma.

Red: Your face looks really weird, Granny.

Wolf: [puts his hands over his chest] I've been sick, I...uh...

Red: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.

Wolf: [taps his mask] Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now come on over here. Let's have a look at you.

Red: [steps closer, warily] So...what's going on, "grandma"?

Wolf: Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot?

Red: [noticing his furry hands] Whoa, what big hands you have!

Wolf: [does so] Oh! All the better to scratch my back with!

Red: And what big ears you have!

Wolf: [becoming increasingly irritated] All the better to hear your...many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.

Red: [shakes her head in disbelief] And Granny...what big eyes you have!

Wolf: [losing his temper; leans in closer to Red] Are we just going to sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket!

Red: [leans back, disgusted] Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!

Wolf: [pulls off his mask] All right!

Red: [screams and taking a step back] You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!

Wolf: Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!

Red: [positions her arms in a fighting stance] HI-YAH!

Wolf: [grabs a fireplace poker] Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up.

Red: [runs into the living room where Wolf manages to corner her] Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny?!

Wolf: [grabs her arm] I've taken Granny down and you're next!

Red: Granny!

Wolf: [shocked] But, you, that's not-