30 quotes
Red Seeks Tunnel to Puckett Grove
Red
Are these tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove! Oh...
[looks at Japeth, who is swinging around on the chandelier and yodeling; sighs and turns back to the map]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Spellbound Encounter at Granny Puckett's House
Red
Hello! Hello. I'm looking for...Granny Puckett's house?
[sees a mine shack across the meadow and runs towards it; Japeth is rocking on his horns as Red walks up the hill to the front porch; Japeth doesn't hear her and continues yodeling]
Japeth
Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...
[singing]
Red
Could you stop singing for one moment?
Japeth
No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
[singing]
Red
Everything?
[beat]
Japeth
That's right.
[speaking]
Red
You just talked! Just now!
[points a finger at Japeth]
Japeth
Oh, did I? Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...
[singing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Granny's Homemade Treats Excite the Kids
Granny
Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
2-Tone
Yo!
P-Biggie
Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
2-Tone
Gimme one of those!
Zorra
Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
2-Tone
Snickadeedoo!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenges in the Goody Business
Kirk
What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been... They stole everything!
[sputters]
Boingo
Oh, that's too bad. It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?
[the children part to reveal Boingo, holding Red's carrot crumpet]
Kirk
I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today! I cannot even sell the bunion cream! Now I'm gonna lose my job!
Boingo
Well chin up, mister! Maybe someday, somebody will open up a great big goody shop, and we can all work for that little guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recipe Theft and Banditry Unfolds
Wolf
You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too!
Chief Grizzly
Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.
[offscreen; cuts back to the interview]
Flippers
Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
Timmy
Chickens?
[oinks]
Red
You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
Flippers
Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
[nods]
Tommy
Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?
[on radio]
Bruce
Uh, the creepy one?
Tommy
Yeah, better let him go.
Flippers
So you went on to Granny's?
[to Red]
Red
I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings Among Friends in a Quirky Situation
Flippers
So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.
Kirk
I got the callback!
Flippers
And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.
Kirk
Exactly! What does that mean?
Chief Grizzly
That it all points to Granny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in a Tense Situation
Chief Grizzly
This guy's a loon.
[to Det. Stork about Kirk]
Det. Stork
Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.
Flippers
My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?
[to Kirk]
Kirk
This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!
Det. Stork
Then what's this?! A letter opener?!
[slams Kirk's pick axe down in front of him]
Chief Grizzly
Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
Kirk
I can do the Cowboy accent. "Howdy, partner!
[cowboy accent]
Flippers
Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shortcut to Adventure and Surprises
Wolf
Now this is a shortcut!
Twitchy
What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!
Wolf
Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.
Twitchy
Hey lookie-lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!
Wolf
Box of candles? Light em up! Wow that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?
[Twitchy lights one, and holds up...a stick of dynamite with a sparking fuse]
Wolf
AH! Lose the candle!
[freaking out]
Wolf
You hear something?
Twitchy
Hmmm?
Wolf
Huh. Come on, let's get to Granny's.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Safety and Adventure
Woodpecker
Watchya readin', Red? "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?
[sees the magazine cover]
Red
No. The world is too dangerous for me.
[throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car]
Driver
Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! I'm okay! I'll walk it off!
[swerves and revs his engine; cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera]
Woodpecker
You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?
Red
If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one...but I can't. I'm just a kid.
[waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance]
Woodpecker
I'm just a woodpecker. Uh-oh. "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"?
[Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches; Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it; fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet]
Owner
Ruined...
[turns and trudges away, muttering to herself]
Red
It means someone wants our recipes...
[looks back at the store safe; and with determination, she grabs the recipe book from the safe]
Woodpecker
Are they gonna get your recipes?
Red
Not today.
[glares at him; loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray]
Flippers
So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?
[grabbing a sandwich from the fridge]
Red
Help yourself.
Flippers
And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain alone?
[flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue]
Red
Yeah. I guess I did.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Action for Red
Granny
Red!
Red
Granny?
[looks up and, to her shock, sees Granny in the clouds above her]
Granny
Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!
Red
What?!
[looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends]
Japeth
I was prepared!
[flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparation for a Surprise Visit
Red
Granny?
Granny
Huh? What's that? Who's there?
Red
It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-
Granny
Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to...put down fresh doilies! Aah!
[slips on something]
Red
Granny! Granny! What's wrong?
Granny
Gotta go, munchkin. Banzai!
[hangs up]
Red
Oh no! Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!
[a worried expression creeps over her face; hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed]
Red
Oh, good! More singing...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Greetings Among Friends
P-Biggie
Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?
2-Tone
Granny! What's happening?
Granny
What up, my homies?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in a Serious Situation
Flippers
What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How bout a cage?
Det. Stork
Bring in the cage!
[on walkie-talkie, eager]
Flippers
I was being sarcastic.
Det. Stork
Sarcasm. Strike the cage...
[on walkie-talkie, disappointed]
Chief Grizzly
Well all right. Get the cuffs off her.
[sighs]
Nicky Flippers
So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?
Red
Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goodie shop.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forest Dangers and Granny's Recipes
Boingo
I guess running the cable car's not so bad. You know, it's a great way to see the forest without having to worry about all the big, hairy beasts down there!
Red
Beasts?
[unnerved]
Boingo
Oh, yeah, you know, beasts- the-the wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the...sabre tooth tigers! Bu-but mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. Forests can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my, well look at me, I'm fuzzy. Hey, you deliver up this far?
[hops over towards her end of the cabin]
Red
Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier - about the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful.
[the doors fly open and she flails around, trying to keep her balance]
Boingo
No!
[jumps for Red's basket]
Wolf
Afternoon.
Red
Hello.
[beat]
Wolf
So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.
Red
Oh, you saw that.
Wolf:
Yep, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the...You should write a letter. Wow, something smells good. Are those...goodies in there?
[sniffs]
Red
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Wolf
No, you shouldn't. Good call. So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?
Red
Uhhh...my granny.
Wolf
Granny? Granny Puckett, the goodie lady? My goodness, she makes some good...goodies. She's got a thing. It's like a, uh, it's like, a, uh...cookies, shortbread chocolate icing between very... It's good. Uh, it's very good. You make deliveries to your granny often?
[sighs]
Red
I don't think I should tell you that.
[shakes her head]
Wolf
Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red
You ask a lot of questions, mister!
Wolf:
Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red
I'd rather you didn't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Message from Boingo to Granny
Granny
Well, what's your name?
Boingo
Umm...just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley face.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A warning amidst unexpected chaos
Kirk
Sorry little birds!
Turtle
RUN!
[he and his mate start inching along with strained necks]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skiing Risks and Granny's Confidence
Vincent
Oh, yeah.
Dolph
You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!
Granny
Bring it, honey.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Plan to Reach Granny's First
Twitchy
So can we eat?
Wolf
Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? Cause that's what's for lunch.
Twitchy
Well, what do we do?
Wolf
We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.
Boingo
Is it a surprise?
[appears]
Wolf
Excuse me?
Boingo
You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there some kind of shim dig, cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat!
[forcefully scratches his right ear against his head]
Wolf
Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?
Boingo
Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.
Wolf
You hear that? He knows a shortcut.
[to Twitchy, incredulous]
Boingo
You go over the woods and through the river...no, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.
Wolf
You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade. And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.
[cuts to Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a dark tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]
Twitchy
Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!
Wolf
Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off. Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg... ...which is very hard to read.
[immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist; holds up a brightly colored Easter Egg with illegible handwriting and a tiny map scribbled on the side]
Twitchy
Oh, we're gonna die in here!
Wolf
Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Investigation of a Domestic Disturbance
Chief Ted Grizzly
Bill.
Det. Bill Stork
Chief!
[turns around, startled]
Chief Grizzly
All right, uh, what have we got?
Det. Stork
Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an axe without a license, intent to eat...
Chief Grizzly
I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?
Det. Stork
You mean the Goodie Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.
Chief Grizzly
The cookbook lady?
Det. Stork
Yeah that's the one.
Chief Grizzly
Hmm.
[opens the door]
Det. Stork
Okay, Paul Bunyan here was swinging the axe, and Wolfie was trying to eat Li'l Bit.
Chief Grizzly
All right, get a muzzle on that guy.
Wolf
Hey, I can explain everything.
Chief Grizzly
Well you can explain it to the judge. Shouldn't you be in school?
[turns to Red]
Red
Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
Chief Grizzly
Wha-What are you doing?
[is distracted by something]
Pigs
Oh, uh, hey, Chief.
Chief Grizzly
Don't eat that! That's evidence!
Timmy
Right.
Chief Grizzly
All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: Little Miss Rosycakes making covert deliveries to the goodie tycoon, Wolfie tries to eat em both, then crazy flannel pants with the axe here busts in swinging vigilante style. Take em downtown, boys!
Det. Stork
Uh, it's the woods, Chief. We don't have a downtown.
Chief Grizzly
You know what I mean! Just book em!
Nicky Flippers
Not so fast, Grizzly. That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.
[enters through the back door]
Chief Grizzly
Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!
Flippers
Well, well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. Now of course, I see I was right.
[eyes the four detainees]
Chief Grizzly
Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case all wrapped up.
Flippers
Is that right?
Chief Grizzly
Yeah.
Red
They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.
Flippers
Oh, I don't know. You look very dangerous to me. What's your name?
[walks over to her]
Red
Red.
Flippers
And why do they call you that?
Red
Why do they call you "Flippers"?
Flippers
Uh, no reason.
[scratches his tie nervously]
Red
They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.
Flippers
What about when you're not wearing it?
[beat]
Red
I usually wear it.
[quietly]
Chief Grizzly
Recipes have been coming up missing all over the forest, goody shops have been going out of business for months, and the trail ends here! I got a case to close!
Flippers
Slow down, Chief. We've got four suspects, and that means four stories, and if you get people talking long enough, someone will spill the beans.
Tommy
Beans?
[oinks]
Wolf
Look, could I just make a phone call?
[muffled; cries out as he gets zapped]
Red
I'll tell you what happened.
[to Flippers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Roles in a Chaotic Encounter
Wolf
Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram!
[knocks on door; opens the door, finding it unlocked]
Twitchy
Huh, whadda we do, boss?
Twitchy
Oh....
[bored]
Wolf
Ooh! Boy, that's hot. Okay, change of plans, you can be Granny.
[lifts up the mask]
Red
Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
[coming from the foyer]
Wolf
Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.
[pulls down the mask]
Chief Grizzly
Pretty thin, Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?!
[offscreen; cut back to the present day]
Wolf
I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief! I don't make it.
Red
For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.
[rolls her eyes]
Wolf:
What can I say? I was raised by wolves.
Chief Grizzly
You got a way to back this up?
Twitchy
I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!
[appears]
Flippers
That so? Let's have a look... Hmmm...these are good...Ha... Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.
[examines the photos; shows picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume]
Twitchy
I wanna do an expose sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chi tea/latte book.
Flippers
Photos don't lie, Chief.
Wolf
Good work, Twitchy.
Flippers
I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?
Det. Stork
Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Uh, I'll bring him in.
[laughs uncontrollably, until Chief Grizzly stares blankly at him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversation about the Goody Bandit
Wolf
How's it goin', Woolworth?
Woolworth
Man, what are you doing here?! The shepherd comes by and sees me talkin to you, I'm gonna get the crook!
Wolf
Yeah? Well, there's a bigger crook on the loose that I'm concerned about. What do you hear about the Goody Bandit?
Woolworth
What do I know from goodies? Hiya, Twitchy.
[sees Twitchy in a sheep suit]
Twitchy
Baa!
Woolworth
Don't know a thing. Never heard of her. Little Red? Processing. Yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put an invisible fence, I tasted metal fillings for a week!
[Wolf slips him some money]
Wolf
Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for?
Woolworth
How should I know? I ain't that curious! It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?
[Wolf slips him some more money]
Wolf
Puckett?
Woolworth
That's her grandma.
Wolf
The Granny Puckett? You pullin the wool over my eyes?
Woolworth
Ha ha, hilarious. You come up with that yourself? That's funny.
[sarcastically]
Wolf
You're looking pretty tasty.
[gives a cold glare to Woolworth]
Woolworth
Why you gotta be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.
Wolf
Except the little girl.
Woolworth
The word in the herd is that she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain.
Wolf
Cable car?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Suspicion Surrounds the Girl in Red Hood
Wolf
No deserts. Waste of time. The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies passed through her hands than anybody else in the whole forest. She seemed happy. A little too happy. Whoa! Creepy! I was starting to have my suspicions. Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? Ah! Twitchy, you scared me.
[on his tape recorder; hears singing, and sees Red riding her bike nearby, narrating; as he watches through some bushes, he sees some hummingbirds carry Red and her bike across a stream; retreats behind the bushes; continues narrating; takes out his tape recorder and presses the record button; as he scratches his chin and ponders, Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to him, causing him to jump]
Twitchy
Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
[speaking very quickly]
Wolf
Twitchy, you've gotta calm down.
Twitchy
I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
Wolf
Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy
She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala-
[pantomiming]
Wolf
Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We've gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy
Got the 220x and a photo-grab with auto-focus. Ooo, look at that - comes with a 500 mm lens. You want the color or black and white?
Wolf
Doesn't matter.
Twitchy
I brought a flash!
[immediately takes a picture in the Wolf's face, briefly blinding him]
Wolf
Will you put that away?! It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy
Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh!
[takes the flash off; grins]
Wolf
You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
[stares at Twitchy]
Twitchy
Oh, I don't drink coffee!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Changing Circumstances
Boingo
Hey Red! Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.
[hops into her basket]
Red
Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?
[smiles]
Boingo
No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!
[glumly]
Red
Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?
Boingo
Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.
Red
Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better?
[hands him one]
Boingo
Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally...devil!
[brightens]
Red
Yeah, well, the woods don't go round by themselves.
Mother Beaver
Come on, let's go.
Child Beaver
Where are we going now, mama?
Red
With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.
[narrating]
Granny
I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.
Red
Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!
Granny
A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red
I'm not so little anymore!
Granny
Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red
But-
Granny
I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses.
[blows air kisses and hangs up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Safety and Independence
Granny
A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red
I'm not so little anymore!
Granny
Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red
But-
Granny
I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. Time to shred some powder!
[blows air kisses and hangs up. The camera pulls back to show Granny is holding ski poles and wearing skis]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Granny Embraces an Unconventional Lifestyle
Granny
It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme!
[beginning to tell her story]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Choices in Uncertain Situations
Wolf
Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.
Twitchy
Sounds good, sounds good.
Caterpillar 1
I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-
Caterpillar 2
Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.
Caterpillar 1
Shh. Up there.
Caterpillar 1
Do you mind?
Wolf
Ooh. Sorry.
[embarrassed; aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices]
Boingo's voice
Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red's voice
...but I was thinking of...the Muffin Man...Granny's recipes...an evil plan...to shut down everyone in the forest.
[unintelligible due to static]
Wolf
I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?
[lowers his radar]
Wolf
Ouch. Ugh. Afternoon.
[deadpan, into tape recorder; as Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red; facepalms; steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps]
Red
Hello.
Wolf
So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. Yep, gravity's working...So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular?
[Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera]
Red
Uhhh...my granny.
Wolf
Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red
You ask a lot of questions, mister!
Wolf
Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red
I'd rather you didn't.
Wolf
I mean, please! Come back here! What are you doing?!
[looks at his tail, embarrassed; turns to Twitchy]
Twitchy
Sorry! I was just winding! I was just - You had your tail-
Wolf
Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red?! Red Riding Hood?! We'll never catch her. Taxi! Whoa, that was her. We passed her. Right here's fine. Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. Hand over the basket!
[a taxi cab picks him up, but leaves Twitchy behind; Wolf sees Red run past; the taxi drops off him; into his tape recorder; steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes]
Red
Hi-yah!
[starts kicking and punching him]
Flippers
So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?
[incredulous]
Wolf
Hey.
Red
HIIII-YAH!!
[spin-kicks Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off]
Wolf
Come back here, you little brat! Okay. Not cool. You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and you little granny too!
[as Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff; falls and screams into the freezing water below; floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him; sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently]
Fisherman
Hmm. That's fishy.
Wolf
What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Names and Drinks
Wolf
Don't I get a drink?
Chief Grizzly
No!
Flippers
So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?
Wolf
You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Grizzly
Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!
Flippers
Your face looks familiar!
[squints and scrutinizes the Wolf]
Wolf
I get around the forest.
Flippers
What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
Wolf
I'm a shepherd. Hey!
[Stork strikes his hand with his baton]
Red
You might as well confess! I told them everything!
Wolf
Will you keep her away from me, please!
Flippers
I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.
Wolf
I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.
[nonchalantly]
Chief Grizzly
Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?
Flippers
Worse. He's a reporter.
Red
A what?!
Wolf
And I've got the real story.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pirate Humor in a Quirky Conversation
Kirk
Arrrgh! Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula...
[trying out for a commercial]
Jimmy Lizard
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no! Hold it, hold it! Ho, ho, stop...Look, "Argh"?
[interrupts; music stops]
Kirk
Uh-huh...
Jimmy Lizard
What...what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?
Kirk
I just got the script, like, five minutes ago...I'm trying...
Jimmy Lizard
Okay, sure, sure, um...you're not gettin it...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncovering the Truth Behind Familiar Tales
Narrator
Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: "You can't judge a book by its cover". If you want to know the truth, you've got to flip through the pages.
[voiceover; cue the sound of a small girl screaming]
Red
Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
[opens the door; hearing nothing, steps into the living room; looks around, uncertain]
Wolf
Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in.
[falsetto voice]
Red
What? Wh-Who are you?
[cautiously approaches him]
Wolf
I'm your grandma.
Red
Your face looks really weird, Granny.
Wolf
I've been sick, I...uh...
[puts his hands over his chest]
Red
Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
Wolf
Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now come on over here. Let's have a look at you.
[taps his mask]
Red
So...what's going on, "grandma"?
[steps closer, warily]
Wolf
Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot?
Red
Whoa, what big hands you have!
[noticing his furry hands]
Wolf
Oh! All the better to scratch my back with!
[does so]
Red
And what big ears you have!
Wolf
All the better to hear your...many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.
[becoming increasingly irritated]
Red
And Granny...what big eyes you have!
[shakes her head in disbelief]
Wolf
Are we just going to sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket!
[losing his temper; leans in closer to Red]
Red
Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!
[leans back, disgusted]
Wolf
All right!
[pulls off his mask]
Red
You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!
[screams and taking a step back]
Wolf
Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!
Red
HI-YAH!
[positions her arms in a fighting stance]
Wolf
Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up.
[grabs a fireplace poker]
Red
Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny?!
[runs into the living room where Wolf manages to corner her]
Wolf
I've taken Granny down and you're next!
[grabs her arm]
Red
Granny!
Wolf
But, you, that's not-
[shocked]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Wolf's Disguise Revealed
Red
Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
Wolf
Oh! Oh yeah, sure thing.
Flippers
So this Wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?
Red
Yes.
Wolf
I'm your grandma.
[in flashback]
Flippers
And you bought that?
Red
No. Not really. Whoa, what big hands you have! And what big ears you have! What bad breath you have! What big eyes you have!
[cuts flashback; cut; cut; cut]
Wolf
Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!
[in flashback]
Flippers
Yes, yes, and then the fellow with the axe burst in?
Red
No! No! Not yet! First, I was attacked by that crazy wolf! Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! Then my granny jumped out of the closet. But she was tied up.
[waves her hands in a "stop everything" gesture; everything on-screen except for Red freezes in time, and rewinds; Kirk flies back out the window and the window repairs itself; Wolf corners Red in the living room with a fireplace poker; in flashback; voiceover; Granny bursts out of the closet and emits a battle cry]
Flippers
And then the Axeman Cometh?
[snickers]
Red
You got it. Only, he was screaming.
[Kirk bursts back through the window]
Kirk
Aargh?
[weakly]
Red
Like a maniac!
[glares at him, angrily]
Chief Grizzly
Wow!
Det. Stork
Hmm.
Flippers
Ah. So that was it?
Red
That wolf was going to eat us all...
Chief Grizzly
The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him-
Flippers
Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.