Kindergarten Cop (1990) - Quotes

Taglines: It's a jungle gym out there.

Taglines: He's the toughest undercover cop in LA. If you're bad he'll know it. If you're hiding something he'll find out. If you cheat he can tell. Now...

Taglines: Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.

Taglines: An undercover cop in a class by himself.

Kimble: [the two kissing children scream out of fright; annoyed] Freeze! Don't you know the building is on fire?

Kissing Boy: We thought it was another drill.

Kissing Girl: Yeah.

Kimble: Well, get out!

Kissing Boy: [the two kids leave and head downstairs] Yes, sir.

Miss Schlowski: I want you to answer one more question, and don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?

Kimble: It felt great.

Kimble: [Henry and Phoebe gasp and jump, Henry falls behind the bed] Freeze!

Phoebe: [a brief pause] NO! No! This... is Henry Shoop, my fiancée.

Henry: [rises halfway and waves at Kimble] Hi.

Kimble: [lowers his gun] Your fiancée?

Phoebe: [to Henry, who covers his parts with pillows] Yeah, my fiancée. Henry, this is obviously my partner, John Kimble.

Henry: [drops pillow covering his rear] Oh, jeez.

Kimble: [shakes Henry's hand] Hi.

Henry: [picks up a robe and moves to the bathroom to get changed] How you doing? Let me just, uh, get this, and I'll... I'll be right out.

Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.

Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess.

Kimble: [sternly] Take your toy back to the carpet.

Emma: [miserably] I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!

Kimble: [loses his patience] TAKE IT BACK!

Emma: [timidly; walks back to the carpet] All right.

Phoebe: Listen, Kimble. You've gotta handle this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.

Kimble: [nods] No fear.

Phoebe: [smiles at Kimble] No fear.

Kimble: [a girl raises her hand] Now, we're going to do something extremely fun. We're going to play a wonderful game called "Who is my daddy and what does he do?" Yes?

Girl: Is your daddy a fireman?

Joseph: He's probably big. Is he a wrestler?

Girl 2: Is he a basketball coach?

Kimble: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Girl: What's the matter?

Kimble: Oh, I have a headache.

Lowell: It might be a tumor.

Kimble: [sighs calmly] It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor at all. What I meant was you tell me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

Kids: Oh.

Kimble: [points to a girl] Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") Okay, we start right here. You.

Girl 1: My dad repairs wrecked cars driven by women who are pinheads.

Boy 1: My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.

Girl 2: My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.

Lowell: My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.

Kimble: Mm-hmm.

Emma: Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because... and he... his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.

Joshua: My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.

Boy 4: My dad, um, is a psychologist... and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.

Tina and Rina: Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.

Kimble: [looks over his shoulders, then returns his attention to Tina and Rina] Good.

Dominic: I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.

Joseph: My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.

Joseph: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

Kimble: [sarcastically] Thanks for the tip.

Phoebe: [tiredly walks into Kimble's room] John? Are you there? How did it go?

Kimble: Go away.

Phoebe: It went that well, huh?

Kimble: You take over tomorrow.

Phoebe: And blow our cover? Can't do it.

Kimble: They're horrible.

Phoebe: [falls onto the bed as the scene fades to black] Tell me about it.

Assistant to Miss Schlowski: Aren't you gonna break it up?

Miss Schlowski: No, two more days of this, then he'll quit.

Kimble: [furiously; all the kids turn around, clearly startled] SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! SHUT UP!! Shut up!! Shut up!

Kimble: [desperately] No, don't start this.

Kimble: [overwhelmed] Oh, no...

Kimble: [everyone pauses as Kimble re-enters] ATTENTION! This is your new class mascot.

Boy: What happened to your dog?

Kimble: This is not a dog. This is a ferret.

Girl: What's a ferret?

Kimble: [showing them his ferret in a way] That's a ferret.

Kids: Oh.

Lowell: If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.

Kimble: No, that's not true. He never bites.

Girl: Can I pet him?

Kimble: [one by one, the kids pet Kimble's ferret] Sure, but one at a time, okay?

Miss Schlowski: Good morning, everyone.

Kids: Good morning, Miss Schlowski.

Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.

Lisa: Where'd she go?

Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.

Lowell: Did she die?

Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.

Lowell: Did they die?

Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell.

Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.

Miss Schlowski: [Kimble enters the classroom as all the kids look up at his enormous size while some of the kids are slack-jawed] I know, but not for a long, long time. Now, until Mrs. Hagley comes back, we have someone special to help. This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher. Now, let's everybody say, "Good morning, Mr. Kimble".

Kids: Good morning, Mr. Kimble.

Kimble: Good morning.

Miss Schlowski: [leaves the classroom as Kimble scans the children] They're all yours. I'll be watching you.

Kimble: How do I look?

Phoebe: Take off the gun.

Kimble: That's a good idea.

Phoebe: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.

Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?

Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.

Thug: [Kimble cocks his shotgun; alarmed; jumps away just in time as Kimble shoots and destroys the sofa] So, who are you, man? SHIT!

Kimble: [smugly] I'm the party pooper.

Kimble: [to the crowd, after they scream in horror; to Crisp; sternly] It's all right. I'm a police officer. Crisp, you're under arrest. Put your hands on your head, slowly, and get up!

Crisp: [annoyed] Kimble, not again!

Kimble: [sternly] Your hands!

Crisp: [annoyed] They're up. When are you going to leave me alone?

Police Officer 1: Drop the gun!

Police Officer 2: Yeah, that's right! Drop the gun!

Kimble: Hey, I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.

Crisp: [annoyed] This man is crazy. Look at him. He wants to kill me. You're just going to stand there?

Police Officer 3: Freeze!

Hairstylist: Oh, jeez!

Kimble: [annoyed] I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble! This man is under arrest!

Police Officer 2: [calling to verify badge number] Yeah, we'll see about that. I'm checking it out.

Crisp: You can't just walk in here and put a gun in my face. I'm trying to get a manicure. I have witnesses.

Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.: [to Kimble] Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.

Eleanor Crisp: [last words before she gets knocked unconscious with a baseball bat by Phoebe O'Hara and arrested for attempted murder of John Kimble] That's where you're going, you son of a bitch!

Eleanor Crisp: Where's my grandson?

Cullen Crisp, Sr.: [last words before he gets shot three times in the chest by John Kimble, killing him instantly] The boy... is mine! HE'S MY BOY! You get your own goddamn family!

Cullen Crisp, Sr.: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing. I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah. I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.

Phoebe O'Hara: [to Eleanor after knocking her unconscious with a baseball bat] You're not so tough without your car, are you?

Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Myatt Crisp: ['''Kimble''': Oh, they're okay. Don't worry. Everything's under control.] You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.

Detective John Kimble: ['''Kids''': Good morning, Mr. Kimble.; the kids obey; '''Kids''': Good morning, Phoebe.; to Phoebe] Good morning. Sit down. It's very nice to see you all again. Meet my very good friend, Phoebe O'Hara. Now, Ms. O'Hara is going to talk to you about something very important. So I want you to pay real attention to what she has to say, okay? Remember, no fear.

Detective John Kimble: [to a fat kid who stole his friends' lunches; lifts the kid who shakes his head in disagreement; the fat kid spits out food as Kimble drops him and starts to walk away] Are these all your lunches? You mean you eat other people's lunches?! STOP IT!

Detective John Kimble: [when he approaches and pins an abusive father to a car] You hit the kid, I hit you!

Detective John Kimble: [the kids groan nonchalantly; brief pause] Today, we're going to play a new, fun game. It's called "police school". I'm going to be your sheriff, you're going to be my deputy trainees. Come on! Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now; you belong to me! You're not gonna have your mommies running behind you anymore to wipe your little tushies! Oh, no. it's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining, no more, "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom". Nothing! THERE IS NO BATHROOM!

Detective John Kimble: [snaps a pencil in front of a kid] Hey, come here. If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.

Detective John Kimble: [cocks his gun] Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... ...and I love my car.