30 quotes
Unexpected Turn in a Conversation
Phoebe
John? Are you there? How did it go?
[tiredly walks into Kimble's room]
Kimble
Go away.
Phoebe
It went that well, huh?
Kimble
You take over tomorrow.
Phoebe
And blow our cover? Can't do it.
Kimble
They're horrible.
Phoebe
Tell me about it.
[falls onto the bed as the scene fades to black]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Challenges in a Playful Environment
Taglines
It's a jungle gym out there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Between Adult and Child
Detective John Kimble
You hit the kid, I hit you!
[when he approaches and pins an abusive father to a car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Gender Differences in Children
Joseph
Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.
Kimble
Thanks for the tip.
[sarcastically]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction to Ms. O'Hara's Important Talk
Detective John Kimble
Good morning. Sit down. It's very nice to see you all again. Meet my very good friend, Phoebe O'Hara. Now, Ms. O'Hara is going to talk to you about something very important. So I want you to pay real attention to what she has to say, okay? Remember, no fear.
['''Kids''': Good morning, Mr. Kimble.; the kids obey; '''Kids''': Good morning, Phoebe.; to Phoebe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction and Affection for a Car
Detective John Kimble
Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... ...and I love my car.
[cocks his gun]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toughest Undercover Cop in Los Angeles
Taglines
He's the toughest undercover cop in LA. If you're bad he'll know it. If you're hiding something he'll find out. If you cheat he can tell. Now...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Fear in Unfamiliar Situations
Phoebe
Listen, Kimble. You've gotta handle this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
Kimble
No fear.
[nods]
Phoebe
No fear.
[smiles at Kimble]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fun Game of Guessing Daddies' Occupations
Kimble
Now, we're going to do something extremely fun. We're going to play a wonderful game called "Who is my daddy and what does he do?" Yes?
[a girl raises her hand]
Girl
Is your daddy a fireman?
Joseph
He's probably big. Is he a wrestler?
Girl 2
Is he a basketball coach?
Kimble
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Girl
What's the matter?
Kimble
Oh, I have a headache.
Lowell
It might be a tumor.
Kimble
It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor at all. What I meant was you tell me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
[sighs calmly]
Kids
Oh.
Kimble
Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") Okay, we start right here. You.
[points to a girl]
Girl 1
My dad repairs wrecked cars driven by women who are pinheads.
Boy 1
My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
Girl 2
My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
Lowell
My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
Kimble
Mm-hmm.
Emma
Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because... and he... his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.
Joshua
My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
Boy 4
My dad, um, is a psychologist... and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.
Tina and Rina
Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
Kimble
Good.
[looks over his shoulders, then returns his attention to Tina and Rina]
Dominic
I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
Joseph
My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Police Officer Confronts Suspect in Arrest Scene
Kimble
It's all right. I'm a police officer. Crisp, you're under arrest. Put your hands on your head, slowly, and get up!
[to the crowd, after they scream in horror; to Crisp; sternly]
Crisp
Kimble, not again!
[annoyed]
Kimble
Your hands!
[sternly]
Crisp
They're up. When are you going to leave me alone?
[annoyed]
Police Officer 1
Drop the gun!
Police Officer 2
Yeah, that's right! Drop the gun!
Kimble
Hey, I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.
Crisp
This man is crazy. Look at him. He wants to kill me. You're just going to stand there?
[annoyed]
Police Officer 3
Freeze!
Hairstylist
Oh, jeez!
Kimble
I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble! This man is under arrest!
[annoyed]
Police Officer 2
Yeah, we'll see about that. I'm checking it out.
[calling to verify badge number]
Crisp
You can't just walk in here and put a gun in my face. I'm trying to get a manicure. I have witnesses.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Introductions in a Tense Moment
Kimble
Freeze!
[Henry and Phoebe gasp and jump, Henry falls behind the bed]
Phoebe
NO! No! This... is Henry Shoop, my fiancée.
[a brief pause]
Henry
Hi.
[rises halfway and waves at Kimble]
Kimble
Your fiancée?
[lowers his gun]
Phoebe
Yeah, my fiancée. Henry, this is obviously my partner, John Kimble.
[to Henry, who covers his parts with pillows]
Henry
Oh, jeez.
[drops pillow covering his rear]
Kimble
Hi.
[shakes Henry's hand]
Henry
How you doing? Let me just, uh, get this, and I'll... I'll be right out.
[picks up a robe and moves to the bathroom to get changed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Joy of Defending Oneself
Miss Schlowski
I want you to answer one more question, and don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
Kimble
It felt great.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Undercover Cop in a Unique Classroom
Taglines
An undercover cop in a class by himself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Homework Excuses in Kindergarten Cop
Taglines
Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dressing for Success in Unconventional Situations
Kimble
How do I look?
Phoebe
Take off the gun.
Kimble
That's a good idea.
Phoebe
Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
Kimble
Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
Phoebe
On second thought, take the gun.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Claim Over His Son
Cullen Crisp, Sr.
The boy... is mine! HE'S MY BOY! You get your own goddamn family!
[last words before he gets shot three times in the chest by John Kimble, killing him instantly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fire Alarm Confusion in Kindergarten
Kimble
Freeze! Don't you know the building is on fire?
[the two kissing children scream out of fright; annoyed]
Kissing Boy
We thought it was another drill.
Kissing Girl
Yeah.
Kimble
Well, get out!
Kissing Boy
Yes, sir.
[the two kids leave and head downstairs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation and Defiance in Kindergarten Cop
Eleanor Crisp
That's where you're going, you son of a bitch!
[last words before she gets knocked unconscious with a baseball bat by Phoebe O'Hara and arrested for attempted murder of John Kimble]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation of Past Choices and Consequences
Cullen Crisp, Sr.
Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing. I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah. I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Princess vs. Policeman: A Playful Disagreement
Kimble
Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.
Emma
I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess.
Kimble
Take your toy back to the carpet.
[sternly]
Emma
I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
[miserably]
Kimble
TAKE IT BACK!
[loses his patience]
Emma
All right.
[timidly; walks back to the carpet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Announcement About Teacher's Absence
Miss Schlowski
Good morning, everyone.
Kids
Good morning, Miss Schlowski.
Miss Schlowski
Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.
Lisa
Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski
That doesn't matter.
Lowell
Did she die?
Miss Schlowski
No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
Lowell
Did they die?
Miss Schlowski
No, Lowell.
Lowell
Everyone dies, you know.
Miss Schlowski
I know, but not for a long, long time. Now, until Mrs. Hagley comes back, we have someone special to help. This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher. Now, let's everybody say, "Good morning, Mr. Kimble".
[Kimble enters the classroom as all the kids look up at his enormous size while some of the kids are slack-jawed]
Kids
Good morning, Mr. Kimble.
Kimble
Good morning.
Miss Schlowski
They're all yours. I'll be watching you.
[leaves the classroom as Kimble scans the children]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kindergarten's Challenges Compared to the Ocean
Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Myatt Crisp
You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
['''Kimble''': Oh, they're okay. Don't worry. Everything's under control.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Authority and Consequences in the Classroom
Detective John Kimble
Hey, come here. If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
[snaps a pencil in front of a kid]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comparison of Mrs. Hagley and another character
Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.
Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.
[to Kimble]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Tensions Escalate Before Break Time
Assistant to Miss Schlowski
Aren't you gonna break it up?
Miss Schlowski
No, two more days of this, then he'll quit.
Kimble
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! SHUT UP!! Shut up!! Shut up!
[furiously; all the kids turn around, clearly startled]
Kimble
No, don't start this.
[desperately]
Kimble
Oh, no...
[overwhelmed]
Kimble
ATTENTION! This is your new class mascot.
[everyone pauses as Kimble re-enters]
Boy
What happened to your dog?
Kimble
This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
Girl
What's a ferret?
Kimble
That's a ferret.
[showing them his ferret in a way]
Kids
Oh.
Lowell
If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
Kimble
No, that's not true. He never bites.
Girl
Can I pet him?
Kimble
Sure, but one at a time, okay?
[one by one, the kids pet Kimble's ferret]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounter with a Party Pooper
Thug
So, who are you, man? SHIT!
[Kimble cocks his shotgun; alarmed; jumps away just in time as Kimble shoots and destroys the sofa]
Kimble
I'm the party pooper.
[smugly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lunch Theft in Kindergarten Classroom
Detective John Kimble
Are these all your lunches? You mean you eat other people's lunches?! STOP IT!
[to a fat kid who stole his friends' lunches; lifts the kid who shakes his head in disagreement; the fat kid spits out food as Kimble drops him and starts to walk away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern for a Grandson's Whereabouts
Eleanor Crisp
Where's my grandson?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discipline and Authority in Police School
Detective John Kimble
Today, we're going to play a new, fun game. It's called "police school". I'm going to be your sheriff, you're going to be my deputy trainees. Come on! Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now; you belong to me! You're not gonna have your mommies running behind you anymore to wipe your little tushies! Oh, no. it's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining, no more, "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom". Nothing! THERE IS NO BATHROOM!
[the kids groan nonchalantly; brief pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Without the Vehicle
Phoebe O'Hara
You're not so tough without your car, are you?
[to Eleanor after knocking her unconscious with a baseball bat]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.