Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

Security #1 Invitations.

Eddie Invitations?

Security #2 Yeah, invitations. You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.

Eddie Well, we've got a 100.000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on. Will that do?

Security #2 All right, just you. The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.

Eddie Samoan Jo's, you mean the pub? Hold on …

Security #2 Hold on to your fucking tongue, and I will hold on to my patience, okay, sonny? No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.

Rory Breaker Mr. Breaker. Today, my name is Mr. Breaker!

Soap Cupid, stupid!

Barry the Baptist When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop, know what i mean?

Nick the Greek What else do I get with it?

Tom You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

Nick the Greek Dunno, Tom. Seems expensive.

Tom Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is a 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it!

Nick the Greek All right, all right, keep your Alans on!

Nick the Greek Here's a ton.

Tom and Eddie Jesus Christ!

Eddie You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick, finance revolutions?

Nick the Greek 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.

Tom Not when the price is 200 pounds, it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt, you are. Now, come on, let me feel the fiber of your fabric.

Rory Breaker If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you are going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.

Barry the Baptist If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick!

Rory Breaker We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.

Eddie So, the only thing connecting us to the case is in the back of your car, which is parked outside?

Bacon Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe.

Tom There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

Big Chris I've got some bad news for you, John.

John What the fuck?

Big Chris Mind your language in front of the boy!

John Jesus Christ!

Big Chris That includes blasphemy as well!

Winston Charles, why have we got that cage?

Charles Uh, security.

Winston That's right, that's right – security. So what's the point in having it if we're not going to fucking use it?

Charles Well, I would've used it, but this is Willie, and Willie lives here.

Winston Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?

Willie Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me, what's the problem?

Winston The problem is, Willie, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked! … What is that?

Willie That's Gloria.

Winston Yes, I know that's Gloria. What's that?

Willie Uh, fertilizer.

Winston You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter, and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer? Alarm bells are ringing, Willie!

Willie We need fertilizer, Winston.

Winston Mm-hm, we also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Oh, and, uhm, if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer, could you just be a little more subtle?

Willie What do you mean?

Winston We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?

Willie Yeah.

Winston And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturist! That's what I mean, Willie.

Hatchet Harry You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.

Eddie You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.

Hatchet Harry Never mind, son. You just might meet him if you carry on like that.

Tom They're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they? I might get laughed at.

J I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners … or something.

Charles Peace Prize? Be lucky to find your penis for a piss the amount you keep smoking.

Rory Breaker What do you want, a medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back!

Soap Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!

Barry the Baptist No mortgages, no debts – lock, stock, the fucking lot.

Rory Breaker If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.

Little Chris Fucking hell, John, you always walk around with that in your pocket?

Big Chris Hey! You use language like that again, son, you'll wish you hadn't!

Barry the Baptist Come on! Not now, please, not – oh, you fucking bastard.

Barry the Baptist Right, where was we?

Gary Shotguns? Well, like guns that fire shots?

Barry the Baptist Oh, you must be the brains, then. That's right, guns that fire shots. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There'll be a load of old guns, that's all I want. Everything else, outside the cabinet, you can keep, it's yours.

Gary Oh, thank you very much. There better be something there for us.

Barry the Baptist It's a fucking stately home. Of course there'll be something there.

Dean Like what?

Barry the Baptist Like fucking antiques.

Dean Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques? We rob post offices …

Gary … and steal cars.

Dean What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?

Barry the Baptist If it looks old, it's worth money. Simple. So stop fucking moaning and rob the place!

Gary So who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?

Barry the Baptist You're doing it for me is all you need to know. You know because you need to know.

Gary I see. One of those "on a need to know basis" things, is it? Like one of those James Bond films.

Barry the Baptist Careful. Remember who's giving you this job. … Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done. Ta-ta.

Barry the Baptist Fucking northern monkeys!

Gary I hate these fucking southern fairies.

Bacon Bend over the fucking desk!

Barry the Baptist Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash, so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise, I will take a finger of each of you and your friends hands for every day that passes without payment. And then, when you run out of digits, your dad's bar, and who knows what then. All right, my son?

Barfly Jack Rory? Yeah, I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking fucker, I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing – it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone down the battlecruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens, and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. "Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else!" Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, he picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's fucking it," says the geezer. "That's fucking what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too: four–nil.

Big Chris It's been emotional.

Big Chris All right, son. Roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on!

Dog Golf – the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

Hatchet Harry I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

J.D. You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

Winston Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked!

Rory Breaker This white shite thinks he can steal my cannabis and sell it back to me? He's got less brains than you, Lenny! Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, round here now, if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!

Eddie Anyway, fuck it. The battle is over and the war is won.

Eddie No, fuck that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.

Soap You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not!

Bacon Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite; Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, come mon, take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewellery? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm; I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.

Eddie Did you say ten pound?

Bacon Are you deaf?

Eddie That's a bargain. I'll take one.

Bacon Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it, they're waking up! Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life, then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks. Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.

Eddie Bacon, cozzers!

Bacon Shit.