24 quotes
Childhood Humor in Parenting Moments
James Ubriacco
When you wanna take a pee-pee okay, you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out.
Mollie Ubriacco
Oh, come on.
James Ubriacco
What?
Mikey
Dad, who's kidding who, huh?
James Ubriacco
And the same token, when you wanna take a dump.
Mollie Ubriacco
Poo-poo.
Mikey
This is a joke, right?
James Ubriacco
I know it sounds disgusting, Mike, but you know you gotta trust me on this, okay?
Mikey
Let me get this straight, you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Children's Curiosity About Anatomy
Mollie
Here we go, What's that?
Mikey
A Penis.
[is shown a picture of [[Sylvester Stallone]
Mollie
This one?.
Mikey
No penis.
Mollie
That's good, he understands, What's this?
Mikey
Hmm, tough call.
[thinking]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Character Expresses Discomfort in Conversation
Julie
Oh, my tush hurts.
[falls down trying to walk]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mikey's Playful Interaction with Shoes
Mikey
La la la la la. Here, shoes, have a drink.
[pouring white-out on his mother's supervisor's shoes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debating Baby Gym vs. Park Outing
Mollie Ubriacco
He has to go to bed early tonight because I'm taking him to baby gym tomorrow.
James Ubriacco
Oh, not baby gym!
Mollie Ubriacco
He needs to socialize with other kids.
James Ubriacco
Well, take him to the park.
Mollie Ubriacco
I'm not taking him to the park anymore! Do you know what he did today? He picked up a crack pipe!
James Ubriacco
Well, throw it out.
Mollie Ubriacco
Do you have any idea how many disease he could get that from?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gun Culture and Double Standards in New York
James Ubriacco
Why is it that every time drink out of the milk carton, I get a lecture, but ] moves in with a semi-automatic weapon, and it's okay?
[[Travis Bickle]
Mollie Ubriacco
A little unloaded gun makes him feel better.
James Ubriacco
Makes him feel better? Why doesn't he go to the top of the Empire State Building and shoot student nurses? Maybe that'll make him feel better.
Mollie Ubriacco
This is New York. Women carry unloaded guns in their purses.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenges of Potty Training
Mikey
Hmm, Eddie gets all the girls, he's not wearing a diaper, maybe I oughta give this potty thing a try. When you have to pee, you jump up and down, but sometimes nothing comes out. So you jump up and down a little more. I don't have to pee... I don't have to pee... I do have to pee and I better go somewhere, here I go... That stuff really sneaks up on you!
[thinking; jumping and singing; realizes he's wet himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion About Apple Juice and Training Pants
Mikey
Eddie, what ya say we go and get an apple juice?
Eddie
Nah, Mike, I'm into my little training thing.
Mikey
What kinda training thing?
Eddie
You know, I'm wearing the trainin pants, man.
Mikey
Oh, man, don't tell me you're goin along with this potty business too.
Eddie
We have to, Mike, cos the Toilet Man says so.
Mikey
Who?
Eddie
Mr. Toilet man, he likes to eat your doody and your pee-pee. So I say give it to him.
Mikey
Eat your doody and your pee-pee? Who told you that?
Eddie
My mother, why? You callin her a liar?
Mikey
No.
Eddie
She told me diapers are for babies.
Mikey
But eat your doody and your pee-pee? Eddie, the thought is too hideous to comprehend.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Moment of Shared Discomfort
Julie
What's that?
[when she is getting an injection, looking at the needle]
Mikey
Oh, God, I can't watch this part.
Julie
Oh my God!
[cries hysterically]
Mikey
Smarts, doesn't it? Hm? Hurts just a little?
Julie
Will this pain *ever* go away?
Mikey
Maybe it will... or maybe it won't.
[smiles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Remember to Breathe During a Crisis
Joey
Jump up and down. And don't forget to breathe! That's what they say when they have a heart attack, "Oh, I forgot to breathe!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Gift for Coming into the World
Mikey
Got you a gift for coming into the world, here it is. Have a cow, honey. Alright, don't have a cow.
[offers her a stuffed cow; Julie begins to bawl]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comparing Iconic Characters in Humor
James Ubriacco
Let's see, we've got Schwarzenegger and Betty Boop. Hmm, tough call, they're both really built and they both talk funny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expressions of Missing and Disdain
James Ubriacco
I miss you guys so much.
[to Mikey and Julie]
Julie
Ieuw... male bonding makes me sick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sibling Milestones in Childhood Development
Mollie Ubriacco
Isn't that great, honey?! Your brother went pee-pee.
Julie
Big deal. I made a doody!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Children's Innocence and Parental Humor
Mollie Ubriacco
Mommy is a girl, so I don't have a penis.
James Ubriacco
But she's got some set of balls.
Mollie Ubriacco
But Daddy is a big...
James Ubriacco
Penis!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson on Bathroom Language
James Ubriacco
Mike, this is a potty, okay? Now when you wanna take a piss...
Mollie Ubriacco
Don't say piss.
James Ubriacco
Okay, when you wanna take a whiz...
Mollie Ubriacco
Ugh!
James Ubriacco
What? "See a man about a horse?" "Drain the snake?" What do you want me to say?
Mollie Ubriacco
Pee-pee.
James Ubriacco
Pee-pee is such a wimp word.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gender Differences in a Lighthearted Conversation
Mollie Ubriacco
See, it's like Mommy, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis.
James Ubriacco
But she's got some set of balls!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Survival Preparedness and Human Nature
Stuart
You guys make me laugh. You're really funny. You stock up your cabinets with bottled water and flashlights, well, what do you think is going to happen when the shit really hits the fan? You know like earthquakes and flash floods just a lot of chaos and horror, people dying in the streets and you're sitting here nice and pretty with your bottled water. Now the guy next store has got one of these Who's gonna go thirsty? Him or you?
[9mm pistol]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Unplanned Circumstances
Julie
Well, here I am, all conceived and nowhere to go.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Determination to Overcome Adversity
Julie
As God is my witness, I'm going to learn to walk, and get the hell out of here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mikey's Thoughts on Daddy's Friends
Mikey
Poor Daddy, hanging out with buttholes all day long.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mikey's Defiant Stance on Family Loyalty
Mikey
Here, shoes, have a drink. You mess with my mother, you mess with me.
[Mollie's boss is yelling at her, Mikey under the desk pours white-out on his shoes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mikey's Stance on Potty Standards
Mikey
I don't care what you say, I'm not pooping in that thing. I've got my standards.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Reflection on Unusual Situations
Julie
Don't you just hate it when you get your head stuck in your placenta?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.