Men in Black (1997) - Quotes

James: All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to beamin me up, there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills, and I don't want nobody callin me "son" or "kid" or "sport" or nothin like that. Cool?

Agent K: [they enter MIB headquarters] Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". As of right now, they mean precisely...dick.

Agent K: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

James: Cab drivers.

Agent K: No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.

James: But why? Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.

Agent K: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

James: What's the catch?

Agent K: [walks away] The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you til sunrise to think it over.

James: Hey! Is it worth it?

Agent K: Oh yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough.

Agent K: Where are you going?

James: Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this?

Agent K: Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

James: [noticing a picture of K giving an alien flowers] Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers.

Agent K: [points; [Casablanca; James nods] This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see the movie ]? Same thing, except no Nazis.

James: Oh.

Agent K: We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.

James: [looking at the picture; [w:1964 World's Fair|World's Fair] Uh-huh. So these are real flying saucers, and the ] was just a cover-up for their landing.

Agent K: [[w:Queens|Queens] Why else would we hold it in ]? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret.

James: Um, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Agent K: Bout six months ago, it's company policy.

James: [handing the file back] Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but, uh... ...why don't you show me the door?

Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?!

James: Hesitated.

Zed: [brings forward a cardboard cutout of a little girl, shot between the eyes] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

James: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.

Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?

James: [Zed looks at him; to other recruits, as Zed leaves the room] Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hangin from the streetlight, and then I realized, you know, he's just workin out. How would I feel if somebody come runnin into the gym, bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this, uh, snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I'm realizing, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. You know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinkin', you know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters this time of night, with quantum physics books? She bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to somethin'. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology? That was a good shot, though, right?

Inspector: Why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

James: Well, sir, some of the other officers are a little soggy around the midsection. I guess that's why they weren't able to keep up.

Sergeant: Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am -

James: What the hell are you talkin about? I am half the man that you are.

Edgar: [from inside the house; an alien spaceship crashes into his truck. opens the door with a shotgun in his hand, he surveys the wreckage; begins to walk over to the wreckage] I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck! Figures.

Beatrice: [comes out to see the wreckage] What the heck is it, Edgar?

Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house!

Bug: [unseen] Place projectile weapon on the ground.

Edgar: [cocks it; [Charlton Heston#Quotes|from my cold dead fingers] You can have my gun... ...when you pry it ].

Bug: Your proposal is acceptable.

Beatrice: Edgar, what on earth was that?

Edgar/Bug: Sugar.

Beatrice: I've never seen sugar do that.

Edgar/Bug: [Beatrice holds up the sugar bowl from the kitchen table; she puts a teaspoon of sugar into a glass of water and holds it up; confused, Beatrice adds some more sugar to the glass] Give me sugar. In water. More. More.

Beatrice: Edgar, your skin is hangin off your bones.

Edgar/Bug: [looks at his reflection; grabs his scalp and stretches it back against his skull] Huh? Oh, yeah. There. Is that better?

Agent K: [the guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the guy's shoulder; again, the guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D; to the others] Que dices si te rompo la cara?(What do you say if I break your face?) No hablas ni una palabra del español, verdad, amigo? (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) We got a winner. Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)

Zed: [Screaming at the worms as they desert their posts] YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!

Zed: Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check.

Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

Zed: [voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J] You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You are a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You are no longer part of the System. You are above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". We are the Men in Black.

Jack Jeebs: [after being screamed at by K for selling a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid] He looked alright to me!

Jack Jeebs: [Regrowing his head after K has blown it off] You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [to J and K, after blowing up the bug] Interesting job you guys have.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [examining Rosenberg's corpse; laughs] Oh, my God! Whoa, buddy, what are you?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I hate the living.

James Darrell Edwards / Agent J: HEY! OLD GUYS! Do those still work?

James Darrell Edwards / Agent J: [to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.

James Darrell Edwards / Agent J: You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?!

James Darrell Edwards / Agent J: You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will knock your punk-ass down!

Agent K: [When goading the bug into eating him] Hey! Hey, bug! Wait a minute, I'm talking to you. You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper? You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me, you slimy, gut-sucking intestinal parasite! Eat me! EAT ME!!!

Agent K: [To Beatrice; [humor] No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of ] we're aware of.

Agent K: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

Agent K: [After J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters; [w:New York City blackout of 1977|1977 New York blackout; [w:Great Attractor|Great Attractor] This thing caused the ]. Practical joke by the ]. He thought it was funny as hell.

Agent K: That is a lot of fun, it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

Agent K: 1,500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

Agent K: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.

Agent K: [To Jeebs] I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.

Agent K: You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...!