15 quotes
Minivan Debate Among Friends
Josh
Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.
Mary
I buy in bulk!
Josh Parker
Can this thing handle snow?
Mary
Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected News About Significant Others at Party
Tim
Nate, what's up, man? Did you see? Significant others are welcome at the party.
Drew
Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.
Nate
Yeah. Um, oh, shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.
Tim
Is she shooting the cover... of "Full of Shit" magazine?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
High Stakes and Personal Rivalries at Work
Carol
All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.
Clay
Done! And you're going to look so stupid!
Carol
Then we'll finally have something in common!
[Begins walking out of the door]
Clay
Goddammit, she's so mean!
[the door shuts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Deserving Kindness Amidst Chaos
Nate
Allison, are you okay?
Allison
No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?
Nate
Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Connections in Everyday Conversations
Lonny
So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.
Carol
Mmm. No, I did not know that.
[distracted momentarily]
Lonny
Yeah.
Carol
Oh.
Lonny
It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like... "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of Up'.
[imitates an old woman]
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Confidence in the Face of Adversity
Clay Vanstone
] ain't got shit on me!
[[Vin Diesel]
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Unconventional Confessions at the Office Party
Mary
Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.
[grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van]
Josh
Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.
Mary
Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.
Josh
That doesn't seem that bad.
Mary
And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you.
Josh Parker
Hmm. That's harassment.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desperation Amidst Flight Cancellations
Carol
Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.
Airline Concierge
I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.
Carol
Well, refer me to someone who can do something!
Airline Concierge
That would be God, ma'am.
Carol
Oh. Her.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tensions Rise at the Office Party
Jeremy
Mary just fucking cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
Josh
Okay, off you go.
[tries to shoo him away]
Jeremy
She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
Josh
It is.
Walter Davis
He's in customer service?
Josh
Yeah. He's much better on the phone.
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Awkward Moment in Social Interaction
Fred
Mummy! I mean, Allison. Don't leave.
Allison
Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!
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Acknowledging Privilege in a Humorous Way
Clay Vanstone
Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.
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Boss Asks Employees for Unconventional Help
Nate
Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.
Tim
Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?
Drew
Yeah, why would we help you?
Nate
Because I'm your fucking boss, and I'm telling you to.
[grabs Tim by the collar]
Drew
He can't touch him!
[turns to Mary]
Mary
I'll allow it.
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Understanding Confusion in Communication
Clay Vanstone
I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
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Doughnuts and Dancing at the Office Party
Mary
Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.
[enters the empty, now-trashed office]
Jeremy
I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.
Mary
Put your pants on. For now.
[looks at him below his waist; turns/walks away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embarrassment in Unlikely Confrontation
Josh Parker
You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.
[to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.