Office Christmas Party (2016) - Quotes

Boss Asks Employees for Unconventional Help

Nate: Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.

Tim: Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?

Drew: Yeah, why would we help you?

Nate: [grabs Tim by the collar] Because I'm your fucking boss, and I'm telling you to.

Drew: [turns to Mary] He can't touch him!

Mary: I'll allow it.

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Unconventional Confessions at the Office Party

Mary: [grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van] Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.

Josh: Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.

Mary: Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.

Josh: That doesn't seem that bad.

Mary: And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you.

Josh Parker: Hmm. That's harassment.

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Minivan Debate Among Friends

Josh: Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.

Mary: I buy in bulk!

Josh Parker: Can this thing handle snow?

Mary: Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.

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Doughnuts and Dancing at the Office Party

Mary: [enters the empty, now-trashed office] Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.

Jeremy: I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.

Mary: [looks at him below his waist; turns/walks away] Put your pants on. For now.

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Deserving Kindness Amidst Chaos

Nate: Allison, are you okay?

Allison: No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?

Nate: Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.

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Awkward Moment in Social Interaction

Fred: Mummy! I mean, Allison. Don't leave.

Allison: Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!

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Tensions Rise at the Office Party

Jeremy: Mary just fucking cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!

Josh: [tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.

Jeremy: She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!

Josh: It is.

Walter Davis: He's in customer service?

Josh: Yeah. He's much better on the phone.

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Desperation Amidst Flight Cancellations

Carol: Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.

Airline Concierge: I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.

Carol: Well, refer me to someone who can do something!

Airline Concierge: That would be God, ma'am.

Carol: Oh. Her.

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High Stakes and Personal Rivalries at Work

Carol: All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.

Clay: Done! And you're going to look so stupid!

Carol: [Begins walking out of the door] Then we'll finally have something in common!

Clay: [the door shuts] Goddammit, she's so mean!

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Unexpected Connections in Everyday Conversations

Lonny: So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.

Carol: [distracted momentarily] Mmm. No, I did not know that.

Lonny: Yeah.

Carol: Oh.

Lonny: [imitates an old woman] It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like... "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of Up'.

Unexpected News About Significant Others at Party

Tim: Nate, what's up, man? Did you see? Significant others are welcome at the party.

Drew: Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.

Nate: Yeah. Um, oh, shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.

Tim: Is she shooting the cover... of "Full of Shit" magazine?

Acknowledging Privilege in a Humorous Way

Clay Vanstone: Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.

Confidence in the Face of Adversity

Clay Vanstone: [[Vin Diesel] ] ain't got shit on me!

Understanding Confusion in Communication

Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.

Embarrassment in Unlikely Confrontation

Josh Parker: [to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.