Office Space (1999) - Quotes

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.

Tom Smykowski: [gives Peter a printout of an email] I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this? I knew it. I knew it!

Michael Bolton: What, it's a staff meeting. So what?

Tom Smykowski: So, what? We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech!

Samir Nagheenanajar: What're you talking about, Tom? Now, how do you know that?

Tom Smykowski: How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know! That's what this staff meeting's all about! It happened at Intitrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant; they call them "efficiency experts", but what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job!

Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're gonna lose your job, and you're still here.

Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off. Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS!

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably, whatever you'd say, that was supposed to be your career. So if you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir Nagheenanajar: So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech cause that question is bullshit to begin with. If everybody listened to her, there would be no janitors, because no one will clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Samir Nagheenanajar: (smiling) You know what I would do if I had million dollars? I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds, and then take the other half over to my friend Sadulach who works in Securities...

Michael Bolton: Samir, Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would (the printer makes a discouraging sound and then stops) want, to do if.. (reads the printer's display) "PC load letter"?!! The fuck does that mean?!! (he lashes out and knocks a paper tray off)

Female Temp: [handing out letters; reads the name on one] Michael...Bolton?

Michael Bolton: [leans over to take the letter] Yeah, that's me.

Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name?

Michael Bolton: [takes the letter, goes back to his computer; answering as if he's heard the question so many times in his life, which he no doubt has had to do] Yeah.

Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy?

Michael Bolton: [politely; he smiles at her] No. It's just a coincidence.

Female Temp: [visibly disappointed; she leaves] Oh.

Samir Nagheenanajar: No-one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It..it's not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar...Nagheenanajar.

Michael Bolton: Well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir Nagheenanajar: You know, there is nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir Nagheenanajar: Why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael.

Michael Bolton: No way, why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Lawrence: [When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud.

Lawrence: [When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.

Samir Nagheenanajar: [frustrated with the malfunctioning printer] Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there is no paper jam?!

Samir Nagheenanajar: [drunk singing] Back up in your ass with the resurrection.

Samir Nagheenanajar: [first lines, when he is in his car, driving to work and stuck in the traffic jam with Peter and Michael] Mother shitter, son of an ass! You, I just!

Samir Nagheenanajar: Yes, I am also not a pussy.

Bob Slydell: What would ya say... ya do here?

Michael Bolton: [Regarding the malfunctioning fax/copy machine] That thing's lucky I'm not armed.

Michael Bolton: [[w:PC LOAD LETTER|PC LOAD LETTER] ]? What the fuck does that mean?

Michael Bolton: [his name] There was nothing wrong with it ... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Michael Bolton: Cockgobblers!

Milton Waddams: And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.

Milton Waddams: [on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter] Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

Milton Waddams: I believe you have my stapler...

Milton Waddams: I could set the building on fire...

Milton Waddams: The ratio of cake to people is too big...

Milton Waddams: [Talking to Peter on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

Milton Waddams: [After Peter tells him to turn his radio down] I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

Milton Waddams: [Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines] I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed...

Bill Lumbergh: (repeated lines including variants) Hello, Peter. What's happenin'?

Bill Lumbergh: ...So, if you could do that, that would be great...

Bill Lumbergh: [[w:TPS reports|TPS reports] I'm going to need those ]... ASAP...

Bill Lumbergh: (after asking Peter to come in and work on Saturday) Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks.

Peter Gibbons: (after Michael's computer virus has taken $300,000 over the weekend, and the trio try to absolve themselves) I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.

Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

Peter Gibbons: (to Michael, when the two of them are drinking at a bar) We don't have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way! Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements!