Penguins of Madagascar (2014) - Quotes

Taglines: Dangerously cute (Private and Corporal tagline)

Taglines: Loose cannons (Rico and Short Fuse tagline)

Taglines: Hot wings (Kowalski and Eva tagline)

Taglines: All bark, no flight (Skipper and Classified tagline)

Taglines: The movie event that will blow their cover

Kowalski: Yeah!

Skipper: Kowalski! What's our trajectory?

Kowalski: 95% certain this will end in massive, flaming disaster!

Skipper: And the other five percent?

Kowalski: Irrelevant, sir! Jet packs are awesome!

Skipper: Agreed!

Private: Who says penguins can't fly?

Skipper: Yee-haw! Boo-yah!

Classified: [clear his throat] Right now, this is difficult for me to say, but...

Skipper: Is it "osteoporosis"? You just gotta lean into the vowels. Ahhh-stee-ohhhh-pahhh...

Classified: No, no, I want to say... You four are the bravest agents I’ve ever known. The point is... I was wrong about you, and I hope there’s some way I can make it right.

Kowalski: [to Classified] Give us jetpacks.

Eva: [at the same time; to Kowalski] We could kiss.

Kowalski: [notices Eva; clears his throat] Whoa! Uh... Did you just say...?

Kowalski: Well, that feels right!

Private: I think I'd actually prefer a jetpack, please.

Skipper: I think we should go with Private's idea.

Private: [after the sides effects from the ray, he is tinted pink and has grown antlers] So, how do I look?

Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.

Private: [concerned] Wh-Wha...?

Kowalski: What?

Skipper: [The penguins from different countries look at the penguins, baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins; as saluting Private, he salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does his brother's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private does the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private.] If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, Kowalski, it's that looks don’t matter. It’s what you do that counts. And look at what you did. Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.

Dave: [[w:Robin Wright|Robin, write] Now...that I finally have my revenge, I feel... empty. As if, what I needed all along was... MORE REVENGE! In fact, ] this down.

Dave: Tomorrow, we move on: kittens, then puppies, bunnies, pandas...

Dave: [[w:Charlize Theron|Charlize, they're on] ] the ray!

Dave: [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen, hunt; [w:William Hurt|William, hurt; [w:Halle Berry|Halle, bury; [w:Hugh Jackman|Hugh, Jack, man; [w:Kevin Bacon|Kevin, bake on] ] them down! ] them! ] them! ] the battle stations! ]! We're still gonna need that victory cake!

Skipper: You stole Dave's ray?

Private: Yes, well, I figured if we could reverse the ray, we can turn everyone back to normal.

Skipper: Reverse the ray?

Kowalski: That’s brilliant, but... it's impossible! In order to reverse the ray, we would need to replace the Medusa Serum with a power source of almost immeasurable cuteness!

Skipper: Immeasurable cuteness? Where the heck are we supposed to get that? Wait. Private, no! We don’t know what that’ll do to you! No!

Kowalski: The ray! It works! It WORKS!

Skipper: Private, are you okay?

Private: Yes!

Kowalski: Whoa-oh! Butt-hand! There's a hand attached to his butt. That was not... that was not there before.

Skipper: Get out of there. That's an order!

Private: [salutes] Permission to defy order.

Skipper: Permission denied!

Private: Then I deny your denial.

Skipper: It's too risky, Private! It already made you sprout a butt-hand!

Private: [places his butt-hand on the glass; Concerned about Private's sacrifice, Skipper places his flipper on the same place where Private placed his butt-hand. They exchange smiles before Private reattaches himself to the ray using his butt-hand] I know it has to be me this time. And I think you know it, too. I'm the secret weapon!

Private: Skipper! Wait! Hold on! What are you doing?! Skipper! Don't eat that! Skipper, listen. It's me, Private. I've got a plan, but I need your help. I need my Skipper.

Skipper: [Sees flashbacks of Private from the past] Private?

Private: Yes. That's it.

Skipper: Private, you're alive!

New York Reporter: [in the harbors of New York City along with a crowd] Breaking news, the penguins have been found! Okay, according to my notes, genetic researcher, Dr. Octavius Brine, has found the penguins and is bringing them here to New York's Battery Park. The penguins are coming back! Oh my gosh, look!

Dave: [rising from his sub out of the water] Penguin lovers of the world! Guess who I found. It wasn't easy, but seeing these penguins get what they derserve will make it worthwhile.

New York Reporter: What a weird thing to say. I'm so excited!

Dave: Yay! Your newly improved penguins!

Corporal: Supper. Well, done, Private!

Eva: Good work, malinka.

Classified: [Private is delighted, yet the North Wind runs in the opposite direction] Yes. Yes. Excellent button-pushing. Complement, praise, etcetera. All right agents, we are back in business.

Private: Wait! Skipper, Kowalski, Rico... all those penguins... they're this way!

Classified: So is a massive army of octopi. And as soon as we return to the North Wind Headquarters, grab fresh equipment and work up a smashing new plan we'll come speeding back, and take down Dave.

Private: But the penguins are in danger! We have to go now!

Classified: Again, "huge army of octopi.

Private: So because you failed once, you're just running away?

Classified: We did not fail, and we are not running away. We're just, very sensibly regrouping.

Private: Skipper wouldn't care! Plan or no, fancy equipment or no. He'd never leave a man behind.

Classified: [North Wind turns to leave] Well I suppose we can't all be penguins can we?

Private: [North Wind look back; Private goes on his own] ... No. But maybe you should be.

Skipper: [Gets a hold of one of Private's floating feathers] Private…

Kowalski: Oh, no.

Dave: I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Kowalski: [[Planet of the Apes|You maniac! You blew him up!; Rico whimpers] ]

Skipper: No...

Dave: Who's ready to move into live penguin testing?

Skipper: You point that death ray away from Private right now!

Private: It's not a death ray, Skipper! He's gonna turn us into monsters!

Dave: Yepper-doo! "And what comes next, Dave?" Invasion! Ahhh! Horrible mutant penguins released on the streets of New York City!

Kowalski: You're the monster!

Dave: [angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day of my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you’re the monster!

Private: Skipper!

Skipper: You can't take away Private's cuteness!

Kowalski: [Rico grunts in agreement] He's the cute one! That's his thing!

Private: What?

Skipper: [Private rolls his eyes] It's all the little guy's got!

Dave: [[Drew Barrymore|Drew, Barry, more] Hmm, you are super cute. We'd better crank this up. ] power.

Short Fuse: Whoo! Way to go, boss! That's North Wind, sucker!

Corporal: Nicely done.

Skipper: ... La-di, blah, blah, blah, blah. A good plan is about more than effecty stuff and... vocabulary words.

Eva: [Kowalski and Rico raise their hands; The North Wind votes, as well as Skipper] All for penguin plan? All for North Wind plan?

Skipper: His... his is better.

Kowalski: What?

Skipper: I'm sorry, boys, but I can't lead you this time.

Kowalski: But... we're a team, and... and you're our skipper, Skipper. We don't... we don't need these guys.

Skipper: No, Kowalski, but Private does. I think... it's time we leave it to the professionals.

Dave: [To the Shanghai penguins and Private; to his other henchman; fires the ray containing the Medusa Serum at the earlier cricket, mutating it into a larger state that makes him a monster. All the penguins gasp] Behold! As I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum! Fire! Yes! It worked! I made a monster! I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next!

Private: [normal voice] Crikey!

Dave: [grabs each Mermaid Penguin; grabs Private and removes his disguise] Who said that? No. No. No. Yes! Gentleman, you remember Private.

Private: You'll never get away with this Dave! My brothers are coming, and they're gonna get you, and together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation.

Dave: Call off the hunt everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us. Boop.

Skipper: [after finding out that Classified had put homing devices on them; slight pause] You low-down, dirty, mangy, FILTHY, flea-bitten, bum-sniffing, TOILET DRINKER! But... good.

Classified: You see? I told you. You should've left this to the professionals.

Classified: [Sees Dave] Secure the mermaids and find me... David the octopus.

Kowalski: [After having dropped a skeleton to trap him] A little late, North Wind.

Skipper: [The penguins do their high-one] Mission accomplished. High one!

Classified: [Corporal pushes the skeleton aside only for the scuba suit he's in to deflate] Corporal, take our prisoner... the one that belongs to us... into custody. What?

Short Fuse: You melted him?! You birds are sick!

Kowalski: [finds an open sewer hatch leading to the pipes of the tanks, knowing that Dave is loose] He's going in through the pipes!

Private: [Trying to swim away from the whirlpool] Skipper!

Skipper: [Noticing the tentacle is about to grab him] Private? Private! You got to get out of there! No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Private!

Skipper: Private! No!

Private: [gets pulled into the drain with the other penguins in the tank] Skipper! No!

Kowalski: [Breaking the glass with a seal] Okay. Here we go.

Skipper: Move, move, move! He's got Private! He's getting away. He's getting away!

Skipper: Target, 30 yards and closing.

Kowalski: In position, Skipper.

Skipper: Rico, report.

Skipper: For you, Private.

Private: Yes, Skipper!

Skipper: Here's your mermaid costume.

Private: What?

Skipper: We need a diversion. And, frankly, you're the only one who can pull off that look.

Private: But I can do more, Skipper. I want to help the team. Really help the team. If you think I'm ready, which I am. Assuming you agree. And perhaps even... if you don't?

Skipper: [Private's smile fades] I like the moxie, soldier, but right now, I need a tail on that tush and the cutest smile you've got. You trust me, soldier?

Private: [downbeat; reluctantly] Aye, aye, Skipper.

Kowalski: Skipper, look!

Skipper: [looks up and sees the breaking news in Chinese on TV, showing that the penguins from each zoo and aquarium are missing around the world] Huh? Begorrah! Does anyone speak Gaelic?

Kowalski: [[w:Guadalajara|Guadalajara] No, but it looks like Dave's been busy. He's stolen penguins from ]!

Private: [[w:Madrid|Madrid] ]!

Skipper: [[w:Paris|Paris] ]!

Kowalski: [[w:Athens|Athens] ]!

Skipper: [[w:Bangalore|Bangalore] ]!

Kowalski: [[w:Dusseldorf|Dusseldorf] ]!

Private: [[w:Osaka|Osaka] ]!

Kowalski: [[w:Rio de Janeiro|Rio de Janeiro] ]!

Private: [[w:Nairobi|Nairobi] ]!

Skipper: [[w:Amsterdam|Amsterdam] ]!

Private: [[w:Baton Rouge|Baton Rouge] ]!

Skipper: Dave's snow globe collection.

Kowalski: It's every zoo and aquarium he got kicked out of!

Skipper: [Rico starts gagging; tries to understand Rico; Rico spits the last snow globe out. Skipper picks it up] Don't tell me where he has been. Tell me where he will have has been next. Wait, what is it, Rico? It's a book! It's a film! It's a play! First word. Two syllables. Sounds like… Sounds like "huuh"? Sounds like "hyech"! What starts with "hyech"? Shanghai.

Kowalski: [looks at the world map on the TV; Dave has not yet arrived in Shanghai] Dave hasn't been there yet, Skipper. If we hurry, we can still stop him.

Dave: [[Elijah Wood|Elijah, would] ] you please take them away?

Eva: Penguin footprints, still warm. We just missed Dave.

Classified: Blast it! He's gone.

Corporal: So many penguins!

Short Fuse: Boss, he's stress-eating again!

Classified: Corporal?

Eva: [to Corporal] There, there.

Short Fuse: [rubbing Corporal] Rub the angry out of the tummy.

Classified: Coporal? Fo... Focus. We are going to save those helpless penguins because we are the North Wind! And no one, no one breaks the Wind.

Corporal: [salutes; muffled] No one breaks the Wind.

Classified: [to Eva] That’s a good Corporal. Now, we rescued those four penguins already, didn't we? Shipped them off, all cozy and snug, to a Madagascar safe… How come there's beeping?

Eva: [looking at the beeping screen] Sir, those penguins... they never made it to Madagascar.

Classified: [shocked] What? Well, where the dickens are they?

Skipper: Kowalski, what are our coordinates?

Kowalski: [[w:Dublin|Dublin] According to my calculations, we're arrived in the center of ], Ireland.

Kowalski: We must be on a plane.

Kowalski: What did the North Wind do to us?

Private: Look! They gave us badges!

Skipper: Not badges, tranquilizer darts! Classified! That low-down dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission.

Kowalski: He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just "penguins".

Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're us. And if anyone's gonna save us, it's us.

Kowalski: But, Skipper, we've gotta be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.

Skipper: I make my own options.

Kowalski: Dave!

Dave: Greetings, North Wind! I see you've met my old zoo-mates.

Skipper: We were never mates. There was no mating.

Classified: [Shows him the small vial stolen by the penguins] Turn yourself in, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen your precious Medusa Serum.

Skipper: What, you? You didn't steal that!

Classified: It's over.

Dave: [turns the camera to show them a giant vial containing the serum as two octopuses behold it. Everyone gasps with shock] It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. Oh, maybe it was to show you this!

Kowalski: That is a lot of serum for four penguins.

Dave: [takes a selfie; presses a button to turn off the screen, but nothing happens. He presses it again, but nothing still happens] Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No. No, no, no, no. We're just getting started. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping… for revenge!

Skipper: [munches] We're not going anywhere with you. We don't even know who the heck you are.

Classified: [Skipper munches on Cheezy Dibbles each time, interrupting him; groans; Skipper munches again for the last time] The North Wind is an elite undercover interspecies… The North Wind is an elite undercover interspec… an elite undercover interspecies… task… force. Dedicated to help… helping… Dedicated to help… Dedicated to helping animals who can't help themselves. Like penguins.

Skipper: [crumbles up the bag and tosses it] Really? And you are?

Classified: My name is Classified.

Skipper: Classified, eh? What is that, uh, Dutch? I can't really hear the accent.

Classified: Excuse me?

Skipper: There's the accent.

Classified: No, my name isn't "Classified". My name is Classified because I am the leader of this strike team. The seal is Short Fuse, weapons and explosives. The bear is Corporal, our muscle. And the owl is Eva, intelligence and analysis.

Dave: You seriously don't remember me?

Skipper: Dave! Dave! Right! Oh, yeah, long time. Uh, how's the wife?

Dave: I've never been married! You may not remember me, but I could never forget you.

Dave: [A flashback shows the Central Park Zoo; voiceover; [w:Central Park Zoo|Central Park Zoo] Let's shake up some old memories. New York City. The ]. Life was good! Roomy tank, great location, monkey house views. And of course, my adoring legions of fans!

Girl: Cool!

Dave: [voiceover; pulls his tentacle through his ear, bringing a ball] Dave! The octopus of 1,000 tricks.

Boy: Awesome!

Dave: [voiceover; takes out a jar, and squeezes himself in it, then squirts ink, making him hover] I was the total package.

Man: [offscreen] Hey, kids! Get up here! You need to see this!

Woman: Come on, kids! Come on!

Dave: [voiceover] And then, you arrived.

Man: Oh, they're so adorable!

Baby Skipper: Just, uh, smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

Dave: [voiceover] And took everything from me.

Girl: They're so adorable!

Woman: Have you ever seen anything cute?

Dave: [voiceover; The scene changes to the [[w:San Diego Zoo|San Diego Zoo] Four adorable baby penguins! With you around, no one wanted an old octopus anymore. "Out you go, Dave!" ], with Dave in his tank next to a penguin exhibit] And so it went, over and over again. At zoo…

Girl: Dad, look!

Dave: …after aquarium.

Penguin Fan: I can't see the penguins, man!

Dave: [voiceover] Adorable penguins stole the show.

Penguin Fan: Whoo! Yeah!

Dave: [in the present] While I was shunned. Forgotten. Unwanted. Alone.

Private: That... sounds awful!

Dave: Oh, it was. I came to realize some creatures are born to get all the love. The rest of us get nothing! The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my burning thirst for revenge!

Dave: And my precious souvenir snow globe collection.

Dave: Ah! What is wrong with you?!

Skipper: Oh, Daryl, you can't blame us for what happened to you.

Dave: Uh, can! That's how this whole revenge thing works. And with this, I've finally had the power to destroy you!

Private: Crikey!

Dave: [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas, cage] ] them.

Kowalski: It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir!

Private: Ooh, another one!

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico: [stop Private from pressing a third button. Suddenly, drops of water comes down on the panel and on the flippers. The penguins look up to see something] NO!

Male voice: ♪ Naughty, naughty ♪

Dr. Octavius Brine: Pretty birds belong in their cages.

Penguins: Ew!

Dr. Brine: [untangles himself; Skipper gasps; bends down to Private; taps on Private's beak] Now, that's just hurtful. And I was so happy to see you again. Skipper… …Kowalski, Rico… and sweet little Private. Boop!

Skipper: Who are you?

Dr. Brine: [transforms into a purple octopus, who emerges from the costume] The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine - renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives… but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hope you'd never hear again. A phantom! A shadow of a former life! I... am...

Dave: ...Dave!

Skipper: Kowalski?

Kowalski: Sorry, sir, no clue.

Skipper: We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. Rico, bust us out of this delicious prison.

Skipper: Nice work, Rico. You're a meaningful and valued member of this team.

Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?

Private: Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.

Skipper: Oh, well, we got you something else.

Private: A vending machine?

Skipper: Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny states for those succulent and chemically-hazerdous bits of puffed heaven called...

Private: [gasps] Cheezy Dibbles!

Skipper: [Skipper gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, ya little scamp!

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?

Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!

Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we can do our thing! High one!

Skipper: Ooh. My bad.

Rico: Uh-oh!

Skipper: Look, it's... it's the miracle of birth.

Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.

Skipper: Daaagh! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

Private: Hello. Are you my family?

Kowalski: [Before Skipper can say anything] You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private: [concerned] Wh-Wha...?

Kowalski: What? I-I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper: [hits Kowalski again; to Private] No one's gonna die! You know what you've got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other, and if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.

Skipper: So adorable. Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski: 95 percent certain we're still doomed.

Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?

Kowalski: Adventuring and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper: I'll take that action.

Private: Where are we going?

Skipper: The future, boys. Glorious future!

Documentary filmmaker: [first lines; narrating; [w:Antarctica|Antarctica; The wind blows away the snow, revealing an egg and it rolls down the hill] ], an inhospitable wasteland. But even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life… penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum-bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...

Skipper: [interrupting the narration] Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Penguin #1: Who cares?

Penguin #2: I question nothing.

Penguin #3 and #4: Me, too.

Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.

Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well, what's the point of these?

Skipper: Whoa, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we gonna call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

Skipper: Hey, anybody see that? That's an egg! Is somebody gonna go get it?

Penguin #5: We can't do that.

Skipper: Why not?

Penguin #6: Well, it's a dangerous world out there and we're just penguins. You know, nothing but cute and cuddly.

Penguin #7: Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us?

Penguin #8: Well, sorry, kid. You know, we lose a few eggs every year. It's just nature.

Skipper: Oh, right, nature. I guess that makes sense, but something... something deep down in my gut tells me that it just doesn't make any sense at all. You know what? I reject nature!

Skipper: Who's with me?