Planes, Trains and Automobiles Quotes

Neal Hey, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...

Del Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth. You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut. If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chops.

Del What?

Neal You know goddamn well what.

Del I'm sorry, I don't.

Neal I had over $700 in here.

Del I didn't touch your dough, Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.

Neal Well, you went into my stuff last night, right?

Del I didn't take your money! And I don't care for the accusation.

Neal Well, I had over $700 in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...

Del Count it.

Neal Oh, like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.

Del There's $263 in there. If there's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief. Just count it.

Neal Empty.

Del What?!

Neal Dry.

Del We were robbed!

Neal Do ya think so?

Neal Del, why did you kiss my ear?

Del Why are you holding my hand?

Neal Where's your other hand?

Del Between two pillows.

Neal Those aren't pillows!

Neal See that Bears game last week?

Del Yeah. Hell of a game. Hell of a game.

Neal Bears got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.

Del You believe this?

Neal It's been a hell of a trip.

Del Sure has.

Neal But, uh, after all is said and done, you did get me home.

Del Next time, let's go first class, all right?

Neal God, I hope there isn't a next time.

Del I know what you mean! I really do. This you?

Neal Yeah.

Del It's been great meeting you, Neal, it really has. Again, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

Neal Oh, no, you didn't cause me any trouble. You got me home, and, uh... a little late.

Del A couple days.

Neal But, uh... I'm a little wiser, too.

Del Me, too.

Neal Happy holidays.

Del Same to you. Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. Give my love to the family, will you? Maybe I'll get a chance to meet em one day.

Neal Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.

Del Yeah.

Neal So... okay. And, uh, you have a happy Thanksgiving.

Del Hey, you know it.

Neal So long.

Del I like-- I like me. My wife likes me.

Neal At the very least, the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

Neal I've been spending too much time away from home.

Del I haven't been home in years. I haven't been home in years. I haven't been home in years.

Taglines What he really wanted was to spend Thanksgiving with his family. What he got was three days with the turkey.

Del Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.

Neal I know.

Del I won't stay long. Maybe I'll just say hi, then be on my way.

Neal Just come on.

Car Rental Agent Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Neal Yes.

Agent How may I help you?

Neal You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick — Four fucking wheels and a seat!

Agent I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.

Agent May I see your rental agreement?

Neal I threw it away.

Agent Oh, boy.

Neal Oh, boy" what?

Agent You're fucked.

Neal You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room and someone who will listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that, that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes for ya. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I-I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar, for days. I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can ya stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest. You know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except that I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. And by the way, you know, when, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Del You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

State Trooper What the hell are you driving here?

Del We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.

Trooper Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Del Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

Trooper Seventy-eight miles an hour.

Del Yeah, I can buy that. You would know better than us, especially with a melted speedometer.

Trooper Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

Del Yes, I do. I really do. I know it's not pretty to look at, but it'll get you where you wanna go.

Trooper You have no outside mirror.

Del No, we lost that.

Trooper You have no functioning gauges.

Del No, not a one. However, the radio still works!

Taglines Pack in the laughter!