RV Quotes

Earl So, do you have a boyfriend?

Cassie Yeah. Actually, I'm engaged.

Earl Unlikely.

Bob Munro You're just determined to have a bad time, aren't you? Not me. I embrace every challenge.

Bob Munro We have to hang together and stay strong.

Jamie Who is that maniac?

Cassie What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing!

Carl DAD!!! THE TOILET'S BACKED UP!

Travis Here's where you made your critical mistake: you listened to anything Howie and Joe Joe said. Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers short of a tool chest.

Mary Jo Whoa. They are early risers.

Earl He-He was covered in turd.

Moon My hero.

Billy Mr. Munro, I was just telling Earl and Moon about that neat laptop you were usin'.

Todd Mallory Alright, no more details. Just email me the new proposal.

Howie Oh, dude, that is nasty.

Cassie Dad, you forgot something.

Bob Baby, don't interrupt Dad's handsome new bosses, okay?

Cassie Sure, but the RV's rolling away.

Carl Does anyone have a vomit bag?

Jamie Are you sick?

Carl Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.

Bob Table for 4. No smoking.

Waitress Wipe your feet.

Jamie Mm-hmm. Mmm, mm-hmm. See, that's why you should study. So you can get good grades and go to a big party school.

Cassie Hey, Dad, how come we never got a pool table for the house?

Bob Because of the generalissimo over there. We had one before you were born, in the dining room, but then, you know, you get a job, you start inviting over for dinner, you have a family.

Cassie So life used to be fun?

Bob Yeah, it was fun. But then something happened that was a lot more fun.

Cassie Aw...

Bob We got the ] smokeless grill.

Cassie Okay...

Bob Hey, guess what?

Jamie What?

Bob We need gas. And I really have to go to the bathroom.

Jamie You know, we have one of those.

Bob Yeah, but after my last little shower of sadness...

Jamie Okay, okay, do what you have to do.

Bob Oh, I-I-I've got an ICBM coming!

Cassie Ugh!

Bob If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.

Bob JAMIE!!!

Travis Bob?!

Jamie Are you an idiot?! Do you want to see your father bouncing down the highway?!

Bob What are you doing with the Partridge Family?

Jamie WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON TOP OF THE BUS?!?

Bob Because I was chasing you! You win! I blew off my job because I can't live without you. You happy?

Jamie I never asked you to blow off your job! I wanted you to be honest with me!

Bob Honest? Like, "Todd's gonna fire me if I go to Boulder" honest? "Screw Hawaii" honest?

Jamie Oh, I see. You think that if you told me you were in trouble and your job was in jeopardy, that I'd give you a hard time about it?

Bob No crying, that's cheating.

Jamie Do you think I'm some horrible witch that doesn't care? I do care! I care a lot! In fact, I hate you, jerk.

Bob I didn't want you to know I was in trouble. You and Cassie and Carl, you mean everything to me. What you think about me is the most important thing in the world. I didn't want to fail.

Jamie If you don't know how I feel about you after 19 years of marriage...then I must be a failure as a wife.

Bob Then you admit you're the problem.

Jamie Bob. You mean more to me than just a paycheck.

Bob That's good, because we won't be getting one for a while. I missed that meeting.

Travis No, you didn't. Come on, Bob. Come here.

Bob It's a Christmas miracle!

Travis No, it just sounded like this was where your wife needed to be...so I brought her.

Mary Jo Travis has never been one to mind his own business.

Bob Travis...some of my behavior on this trip might be misconstrued as an insult. Did come off a tad abrasive.

Bob I was wrong, and it takes a small man to admit it.

Travis And you're a big man.

Bob I don't just mean...

Travis I understand a metaphor, Bob. See, I went to Stanford.

Bob YOU BIG LUG, I LOVE YOU! Who loves his big lug?!

Bob Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I just came down from the mountain, and next time I'll use the road. I guess you guys didn't get the memo about "extreme casual". I love your wilderness so much that I decided to wear it. Easy, Todd. It's been kind of a-a wild journey getting here. If you ever wanna really find out about yourself, put your family in an RV and, uh, drive. I've seen some amazing stuff. I've, uh, fought wild ] and won. I've been in the ] to a place where it's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. And...I met this weird family. I mean, boy, they were strange. You know, whenever a big white man picks up a ], my cheeks tighten. In the dictionary, under "hootenanny", it says "See: them". And you know what's strange about them. They're just honest, good people and it's an honor to have them as friends. Garry, Larry, this is a nice company you have here. It's your baby. I bet at the birth of your baby, you were, uh, kinda scared, right? Excited but scared. And you didn't know it was gonna turn out, and the next thing you know, it's up and walking, and you-you're tryna raise it. And sometimes you didn't know what the heck you were doing but you pretended like you did. And, uh, the next thing you know, your baby's grown. It's bigger, older, more complicated, difficult to deal with. But here's the deal, you care about it just as much because you nurtured it and part of you is in it and you're proud of it. You love it more than ever. And right now, you have to make a decision of whether you wanna merge your family with the Pure Vibe family. And I guarantee you the stocks are gonna split and you'll have money you won't know what to do with. And your company's gonna grow. You'll be bigger than a woman in bicycle shorts at ]. You'll be able to get all the stuff, like the ski boat, a $4000 bike, maybe even a Barcalounger that, you know, messages your butt and blows smoke at the same time. Bottom line here, Garry, Larry, if you wanna merge Alpine and Pure Vibe...I promise you you're making the worst decision of your entire life.

Todd Whoa! This guy's a disgruntled employee. Couldn't keep up with the inner talent. Look at him. He's off his meds. Finished. His own daughter assaulted me at my home.

Cassie I did not! It was my friend. And she did it because Pure Vibe has one of the worst environmental records in the industry.

Todd What...? Why are these kids here?

Cassie Plus, last year, you guys outsourced for cheaper labor to other countries like...

Bob Let her go, Todd!

Todd I'll let her go. I'll let you go. You're fired.

Carl Hiyah!

Bob Yo, dog.

Cassie Carl!

Moon My hero.

Bob Todd, I quit.

Bob Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?

Cassie The "Big Turd".

Carl The "Big Rolling Turd"?

Bob In that spirit, we set forth.

Bob Munro We watch TV in four separate rooms and we IM each other when dinner's ready.

Cassie, age 5 Daddy?

Bob Yeah, baby?

Cassie, age 5 I'm never going to get married.

Bob Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.

Cassie, age 5 Because I always want to live here with you.

Bob Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends. Good night, Cassie.

Cassie Dad, could you be any more of a dork?

Bob Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?

Cassie Oh, I know where she lives, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.

Bob Because it's a stupid way.

Cassie Yes, if you consider actually getting there stupid.

Jamie Why don't you use the navigation?

Bob Because our daughter, ] back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street. She just knows it as "the one next to the one with the fountain".

Carl Dad, Cassie just gave you the finger.

Cassie You know what's scary is that this is rush hour.

Carl Mom, there's never going to be any other cars on this road.

Jamie Oh, my God!

Mary Jo Where's your husband?

Jamie Don't ask. Could you possibly take us to an airport?

Cassie What's this?

Earl Oh, I gotta study for my stupid placement test.

Cassie Oh, like some sort of vocational training?

Earl College.

Cassie How old are you?

Earl 15 and a half. I jumped a grade. Moon, though, she skipped two grades.

Cassie Wow. You guys are smart.

Cassie Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.

Jamie What?

Cassie Oh, my god. It's your husband.

Bob Munro Todd, I quit.

Bob Munro Sewage tank is overflowing.

Bob Munro Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Bob Munro It's gonna be a regular Field of Dreams moment for us, buddy.

Jamie Did you take out the roasts from last night?!

Bob I guess not.

Jamie Well, what's the plan?

Cassie Let's give him Carl! Maybe he'll eat him and leave.

Carl Let's give him you! Maybe he's on the South bitch diet!

Bob Good one.

Billy Hi, Mr. Munro.

Bob Hi, Billy. I'm just...

Billy Wow! You sure got a nice one.

Bob What?

Billy That's a nice laptop.

Bob Oh, thanks. What are you doing up?

Billy I have a sleep disorder. I haven't slept since I was 5.

Bob So you just wander around the campground?

Billy Yeah, I don't really mind. It's the only time I have alone. Well, see ya.

Mary Jo Do you want to hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado?

Travis Oh, it's a great story.

Bob You know, I'd love to, but I was in the little boys room taking care of business when Carl interrupted me, but Jamie'd love to hear it.

Mary Jo Ah. Well, it seems just like yesterday.