RV (2006) - Quotes

Bob: [Todd bursts with laughter; [The Nut Job|raccoons; [Rango (2011 film)|desert; referring to the Gornickes; [The Muppets (film)|banjo; turns to the Gornickes; turns to Garry and Larry, about Alpine; smiles at Cassie who smiles back, then turns again to Garry and Larry; [Disneyland; audience gasps in shock] Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I just came down from the mountain, and next time I'll use the road. I guess you guys didn't get the memo about "extreme casual". I love your wilderness so much that I decided to wear it. Easy, Todd. It's been kind of a-a wild journey getting here. If you ever wanna really find out about yourself, put your family in an RV and, uh, drive. I've seen some amazing stuff. I've, uh, fought wild ] and won. I've been in the ] to a place where it's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. And...I met this weird family. I mean, boy, they were strange. You know, whenever a big white man picks up a ], my cheeks tighten. In the dictionary, under "hootenanny", it says "See: them". And you know what's strange about them. They're just honest, good people and it's an honor to have them as friends. Garry, Larry, this is a nice company you have here. It's your baby. I bet at the birth of your baby, you were, uh, kinda scared, right? Excited but scared. And you didn't know it was gonna turn out, and the next thing you know, it's up and walking, and you-you're tryna raise it. And sometimes you didn't know what the heck you were doing but you pretended like you did. And, uh, the next thing you know, your baby's grown. It's bigger, older, more complicated, difficult to deal with. But here's the deal, you care about it just as much because you nurtured it and part of you is in it and you're proud of it. You love it more than ever. And right now, you have to make a decision of whether you wanna merge your family with the Pure Vibe family. And I guarantee you the stocks are gonna split and you'll have money you won't know what to do with. And your company's gonna grow. You'll be bigger than a woman in bicycle shorts at ]. You'll be able to get all the stuff, like the ski boat, a $4000 bike, maybe even a Barcalounger that, you know, messages your butt and blows smoke at the same time. Bottom line here, Garry, Larry, if you wanna merge Alpine and Pure Vibe...I promise you you're making the worst decision of your entire life.

Todd: [gets up; Laird laughs softly; clears his throat] Whoa! This guy's a disgruntled employee. Couldn't keep up with the inner talent. Look at him. He's off his meds. Finished. His own daughter assaulted me at my home.

Cassie: [referring to Gretchen] I did not! It was my friend. And she did it because Pure Vibe has one of the worst environmental records in the industry.

Todd: [scoffs in disbelief] What...? Why are these kids here?

Cassie: [as she walks to Todd; Todd tackles her] Plus, last year, you guys outsourced for cheaper labor to other countries like...

Bob: [referring to Cassie] Let her go, Todd!

Todd: I'll let her go. I'll let you go. You're fired.

Carl: [throws Todd to the ground] Hiyah!

Bob: [impressed] Yo, dog.

Cassie: [surprised] Carl!

Moon: [lovestruck] My hero.

Bob: Todd, I quit.

Cassie: Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.

Jamie: What?

Cassie: Oh, my god. It's your husband.

Bob: Hey, guess what?

Jamie: [offscreen] What?

Bob: [Cassie groans] We need gas. And I really have to go to the bathroom.

Jamie: You know, we have one of those.

Bob: Yeah, but after my last little shower of sadness...

Jamie: Okay, okay, do what you have to do.

Bob: Oh, I-I-I've got an ICBM coming!

Cassie: Ugh!

Bob: [mutters to himself] If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.

Bob: [after he slides onto the front window of Gornickes' bus] JAMIE!!!

Travis: [astonished] Bob?!

Jamie: Are you an idiot?! Do you want to see your father bouncing down the highway?!

Bob: What are you doing with the Partridge Family?

Jamie: WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON TOP OF THE BUS?!?

Bob: Because I was chasing you! You win! I blew off my job because I can't live without you. You happy?

Jamie: I never asked you to blow off your job! I wanted you to be honest with me!

Bob: [confused] Honest? Like, "Todd's gonna fire me if I go to Boulder" honest? "Screw Hawaii" honest?

Jamie: [tearfully, yet confused] Oh, I see. You think that if you told me you were in trouble and your job was in jeopardy, that I'd give you a hard time about it?

Bob: No crying, that's cheating.

Jamie: [in a normally worried tone; shoves Bob] Do you think I'm some horrible witch that doesn't care? I do care! I care a lot! In fact, I hate you, jerk.

Bob: [sadly; as Cassie and Carl are watching from the bus windows] I didn't want you to know I was in trouble. You and Cassie and Carl, you mean everything to me. What you think about me is the most important thing in the world. I didn't want to fail.

Jamie: [apologizing] If you don't know how I feel about you after 19 years of marriage...then I must be a failure as a wife.

Bob: Then you admit you're the problem.

Jamie: [smiles as she cares; she hugs Bob] Bob. You mean more to me than just a paycheck.

Bob: [satisfied] That's good, because we won't be getting one for a while. I missed that meeting.

Travis: [as he and Mary Jo are watching from the bus door; he shows Bob and Jamie exactly where they have arrived] No, you didn't. Come on, Bob. Come here.

Bob: [amazed] It's a Christmas miracle!

Travis: No, it just sounded like this was where your wife needed to be...so I brought her.

Mary Jo: Travis has never been one to mind his own business.

Bob: Travis...some of my behavior on this trip might be misconstrued as an insult. Did come off a tad abrasive.

Bob: [owning up] I was wrong, and it takes a small man to admit it.

Travis: And you're a big man.

Bob: I don't just mean...

Travis: I understand a metaphor, Bob. See, I went to Stanford.

Bob: [hugs Travis in excitement; Jamie and Mary Jo laugh] YOU BIG LUG, I LOVE YOU! Who loves his big lug?!

Carl: Does anyone have a vomit bag?

Jamie: Are you sick?

Carl: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.

Cassie: You know what's scary is that this is rush hour.

Carl: [suddenly, the horn honks the Star Trek theme] Mom, there's never going to be any other cars on this road.

Jamie: [notices the horn, in surprise; she, Carl and Cassie turn around and see the Gornickes in their bus. It then shows the bus on the highway] Oh, my God!

Mary Jo: [from inside the bus] Where's your husband?

Jamie: [from inside the bus] Don't ask. Could you possibly take us to an airport?

Cassie: [notices the stuff on the table] What's this?

Earl: Oh, I gotta study for my stupid placement test.

Cassie: [slyly] Oh, like some sort of vocational training?

Earl: College.

Cassie: How old are you?

Earl: 15 and a half. I jumped a grade. Moon, though, she skipped two grades.

Cassie: [surprised] Wow. You guys are smart.

Billy: Hi, Mr. Munro.

Bob: Hi, Billy. I'm just...

Billy: Wow! You sure got a nice one.

Bob: What?

Billy: That's a nice laptop.

Bob: Oh, thanks. What are you doing up?

Billy: I have a sleep disorder. I haven't slept since I was 5.

Bob: So you just wander around the campground?

Billy: [Bob chuckles briefly; walks away] Yeah, I don't really mind. It's the only time I have alone. Well, see ya.

Cassie: Dad, you forgot something.

Bob: Baby, don't interrupt Dad's handsome new bosses, okay?

Cassie: Sure, but the RV's rolling away.

Bob: Table for 4. No smoking.

Waitress: Wipe your feet.

Jamie: [while tying a knot in a cherry stem in her mouth; spits stem out; drops stem] Mm-hmm. Mmm, mm-hmm. See, that's why you should study. So you can get good grades and go to a big party school.

Cassie: [her and Bob are playing billiards] Hey, Dad, how come we never got a pool table for the house?

Bob: [Cassie laughs] Because of the generalissimo over there. We had one before you were born, in the dining room, but then, you know, you get a job, you start inviting over for dinner, you have a family.

Cassie: So life used to be fun?

Bob: Yeah, it was fun. But then something happened that was a lot more fun.

Cassie: [amuses Bob referred to her] Aw...

Bob: [[Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian|George Foreman] We got the ] smokeless grill.

Cassie: [laughs] Okay...

Jamie: Did you take out the roasts from last night?!

Bob: I guess not.

Jamie: Well, what's the plan?

Cassie: Let's give him Carl! Maybe he'll eat him and leave.

Carl: [angrily] Let's give him you! Maybe he's on the South bitch diet!

Bob: Good one.

Cassie, age 5: Daddy?

Bob: Yeah, baby?

Cassie, age 5: I'm never going to get married.

Bob: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.

Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you.

Bob: [kisses Cassie; turns lamp off] Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends. Good night, Cassie.

Cassie: Dad, could you be any more of a dork?

Bob: Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?

Cassie: Oh, I know where she lives, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.

Bob: Because it's a stupid way.

Cassie: Yes, if you consider actually getting there stupid.

Jamie: Why don't you use the navigation?

Bob: [[Night at the Museum|Sacajawea] Because our daughter, ] back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street. She just knows it as "the one next to the one with the fountain".

Carl: [Cassie elbows Carl to shut him up] Dad, Cassie just gave you the finger.

Earl: So, do you have a boyfriend?

Cassie: Yeah. Actually, I'm engaged.

Earl: Unlikely.

Mary Jo: Do you want to hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado?

Travis: Oh, it's a great story.

Bob: [walks away] You know, I'd love to, but I was in the little boys room taking care of business when Carl interrupted me, but Jamie'd love to hear it.

Mary Jo: Ah. Well, it seems just like yesterday.

Bob: [walks in] Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?

Cassie: The "Big Turd".

Carl: The "Big Rolling Turd"?

Bob: [sits down] In that spirit, we set forth.

Jamie: Who is that maniac?

Cassie: [about the Gornickes] What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing!

Carl: DAD!!! THE TOILET'S BACKED UP!

Travis: Here's where you made your critical mistake: you listened to anything Howie and Joe Joe said. Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers short of a tool chest.

Mary Jo: [about the Munros] Whoa. They are early risers.

Earl: [about Bob] He-He was covered in turd.

Moon: [about Carl] My hero.

Billy: Mr. Munro, I was just telling Earl and Moon about that neat laptop you were usin'.

Todd Mallory: [hangs up] Alright, no more details. Just email me the new proposal.

Howie: Oh, dude, that is nasty.

Bob Munro: [Cassie: We all are, Dad.] You're just determined to have a bad time, aren't you? Not me. I embrace every challenge.

Bob Munro: Todd, I quit.

Bob Munro: [to Carl] It's gonna be a regular Field of Dreams moment for us, buddy.

Bob Munro: Sewage tank is overflowing.

Bob Munro: We have to hang together and stay strong.

Bob Munro: [angrily] We watch TV in four separate rooms and we IM each other when dinner's ready.

Bob Munro: [about Travis] Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.