29 quotes
Honor and Disrespect in War Commentary
President Harris
These men died for their country; send flowers to their bitches and hos.
[''after the rappers kill each other in a shoot-out'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Game Mishap Leads to Unexpected Chaos
Cindy
George, what happened?
George
I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... (looks down at gameboard) Yahtzee! (stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Connections and Anomalies in Dialogue
Cindy
But what is connection between the crop circles and the videotape?
The Architect
The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Cindy
Sedulant? I, uh...
The Architect
Grotesquery? ...No? What about... (holds up dictionary) contingent affirmation? That's gotta mean something.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Nature of Great Trilogies
Taglines
Great Trilogies Come In Threes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Crisis Without Causing Panic
President Harris
Right. Let's see if we can steer that course keeping everybody deeply disturbed. We don't want a panic. Very few presidents have faced a crisis like this. ] I wonder what President Ford would've done. Well, if the buck stops here... The buck stops here.
[goes over to a portrait of [[Air Force One (film)|President; [Harrison Ford|Ford]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Anticipating Trouble in Unusual Situations
Brenda Meeks
I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Simon Cowell's Honest Critique of Talent
Simon Cowell
I thought you were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. .
[''after watching a rap battle''; ''both rappers pull out their guns and shoot him'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cindy Meets Her Unconventional Aunt ShaNeequa
Cindy
Hello?
ShaNeequa
I know. You're Cindy. Be right with you.
Cindy
Aunt ShaNeequa?
ShaNeequa
Bingo. But you can call me the Oracle. And don't worry about that vase.
Cindy
What vase? Oh! Sorry. I didn't know. ] with a vase braining her] Oh! Aah!
[''Bumps into a vase but it doesn't fall off''; ''Walks into a [[w:Doric order|doric column]
ShaNeequa
That vase. Please, sit.
[''Cindy sits and farts'']
Cindy
It was the chair.
ShaNeequa
Mmm. Yes, the chair. I know why you've come. A great mystery lies ahead of you, but you must not shy away from the challenge. Only you can be the one... Orpheus?
[''Farting loudly''; ''Orpheus enters and turns on TV'']
Orpheus
What, baby?
ShaNeequa
Sweetie?
Orpheus
I'm watching the game.
ShaNeequa
Do you mind? ] will win by 12. ] on ground in expressed displeasure]
[[w:Los Angeles|The Lakers; ''Orpheus raises both hands and drops [[w:Remote control|TV remote]
Cindy
So can you tell me about-
ShaNeequa
The tape?
Cindy
Yes. I watched it and-
ShaNeequa
The phone rang.
Cindy
Right. Then this voice said-
ShaNeequa
That you would die.
Cindy
Okay, that's getting-
ShaNeequa
Extremely annoying.
Cindy
Yeah.
Orpheus
Try being married to her. I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.
ShaNeequa
You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.
[''They start playing tape'']
Cindy
Yes. Okay. ShaNeequa, can you tell me if... The tape is connected to the crop circles and the aliens?
ShaNeequa
Yes. But it's up to you to discover how for yourself.
Cindy
Look, it's a...
ShaNeequa
Cigarette?
Cindy
I was going to say ].
[[w:lighthouse|lighthouse]
Orpheus
Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.
Cindy
Wait. What is that? Oh, my God.
[''Picks fly off TV woman's nose''; ''Fly flies away and flies back to its original spot'']
ShaNeequa
There we go! Ugh!
[''ShaNeequa grabs a flyswatter and swats screen with TV woman reacting''; ''TV woman retaliates with flyswatter on ShaNeequa'']
Orpheus
Now, baby!
ShaNeequa
I knew that was gonna happen!
Orpheus
Uh-oh. Come on.
Shaneequa
Oh, hell, no! Get your ass out of the TV! What's wrong with you? I'm gonna teach you! Get out of that TV!
[''Grabs TV woman'']
Orpheus
Baby, no! No! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! We gonna get another lawsuit!
[''Manhandles her away'']
ShaNeequa
She spit on me! I'm gonna kill the bitch!
Orpheus
Ah! You won! You won! You won! You won! Upstairs!
ShaNeequa
Okay!
Orpheus
Down low!
[''They do high-fives and low-fives'']
ShaNeequa
Okay! All right!
Orpheus
Baby, no!
[''Lunges again'']
ShaNeequa
Kill her!
Orpheus
Is you crazy?! Baby!
ShaNeequa
What you gonna brush now? What you gonna brush now, huh?
[''Laughs while holding clump of hair'']
Orpheus
Come on, baby!
ShaNeequa
You picked the wrong TV to come out of!
[''TV woman falls down beaten'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awakening to Life and Death Confusion
Mahalik
You know Jamal, from 92nd Street? This morning, he woke up dead!
CJ
How in the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik
Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ
You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik
You can't go to bed dead! That shit would be redundant.
CJ
No, it wouldn't. Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.
Mahalik
But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place, foo'!
CJ
Damn! That's some quantum shit right there, man!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Anticipation of a Reunion
Cindy
Hello?
Tabitha's Voice
It's me. How you doing?
Cindy
Fine.
Tabitha's Voice
Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Cindy
Yeah.
Tabitha's Voice
It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy
Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice
Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
Cindy
Hello?
Tabitha's Voice
Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)
Cindy
(gasps) No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice
Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
Cindy
Fine. (writes the message down) Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. (Cindy holds the paper up, which reads SEVEN DAYS) AAAAHHH!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Promise Between Annie and Tom
Annie
Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom
I promise.
Annie
And no sex, either.
Tom
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie
No sex.
Tom
Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie
No sex.
Tom
Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery!
Annie
(shouts) No sex!
Tom
Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie
Oh, Jesus.
Tom
That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie
Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom
Right. Swing away.
Annie
Oh, sure. That you understand. (dies)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Request for a ride home
Sayaman
Tom, I'll need a ride home.
[''After accidentally killing Tom's wife with his truck'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mysterious Voice Warns of Seven Days
Cindy
Hello?
Tabitha's Voice
(indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy
What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice
(indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy
Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice
(indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy
What?
Tabitha's Voice
(slightly more clear) Can you hear me now?
Cindy
Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice
(perfectly audible) Can you hear me now?
Cindy
Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice
Seven days.
Cindy
Seven days. Oh my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice
Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy
So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice
Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy
But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice
Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy
Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice
Then no.
Cindy
Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice
Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.
[''Hangs up'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles with Parenthood and Fertility Challenges
The Architect
My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Foresight of a Difficult Future
Cody
(telling future to a pregnant woman) It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Power of Family and Redemption
Cindy
All you need is a family...
George
And we can be that family.
Tabitha
Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.
Cindy
Really?
Tabitha
Nah! I'm just screwing with you! (she raises a knife)
President Harris
I just wanted to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recollections of Past Relationships and Respect
George
Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?
[''At Brenda's funeral'']
Cindy
Brenda was my bitch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rejection of Responsibility and Consequences
Brenda Meeks
Hell with you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dangers of Ignoring the Truth
Ross Giggins
Turning now to sports...
Ross
And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward
Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?!
[''Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard''; ''Rushes over to Cindy'']
Ross
It's a horrible fate.
Cindy
Carson, I have to do this!
Ross
Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
Ross
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Ross
I been cleanin after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inquiring About Preferences
Tom
How do you like it?
[''Holding Michael Jackson outside of a window'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Magnetic Waves and Silicone Molecules Confusion
Becca
You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. (looks down at breasts) Aah! Oh, my God, turn it off!
Kate
It's not working!
Becca
It's backwards!
Kate
What do we do?
Becca
I don't know! Aaahhhh!
Kate
That was kind of scary.
Becca
I know something even scarier.
Kate
Ooh, what?
Becca
Have you heard about this videotape?
Kate
The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-
Becca
No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-
Kate
Six Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!
Becca
You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! (hits Kate with pillow)
Kate
Oh, yes I was! (hits Becca with chair)
Becca
You ho! (smashes glass vase on Kate's head)
Kate
You know it! (whacks Becca with closed laptop)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Highlighting Media Bias in Coverage
Brenda Meeks
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Disturbing Reflection on Domestic Life
The Architect
She scared the horses, killed the puppies, hid the remote. Really sick shit. My wife killed her by drowning her in a nearby well. I thought a time-out would have been fine.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in Medical Terminology
Trooper Champlin
This... is your wife. (snaps a hot dog in half)
Tom
She broke her weiner?
Trooper Champlin
(sighs) Tom, look what happens to the taco. (breaks a taco in half)
Tom
I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!
Trooper Champlin
Your wife is split in half.
Tom
(splitting a sub sandwich down the middle) You mean like, down the middle in half?
Trooper Champlin
(sighs) At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.
Tom
You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin
Yes.
Tom
Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. (pulls out a donut) Can I spend a little time with that?
Trooper Champlin
I don't understand what you mean.
Tom
(now holding a hot dog) Okay, let me explain.
Trooper Champlin
Tom... go to her.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Contemplating Relocation and Unexpected Challenges
Mahalik
But what if we stopped living over here, and started living over there?
CJ
Shit, my Aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.
Mahalik
For what?
CJ
Mice.
Mahalik
I thought she had rats?
CJ
No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik
But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ
I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik
That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ
Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Alien Infiltration and Identity
Agent Thompson
Room is secure, Mr President.
President Harris
Or is it?
Agent Thompson
Sir?
President Harris
I've been thinking, Thompson. What if the aliens could take over human bodies, they'd look just like us? Or almost?
[suspiciously looking at all the attendees in the White House]
Agent Thompson
I'd never thought of that, sir. We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.
President Harris
They can be anywhere. Even...
Agent Thompson
Right here. My God, we'd never see the attack coming. It's frightening, sir.
[worriedly; intensely]
President Harris
Don't panic. We'll just move slowly toward the exit.
[quietly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Mishap in a Comedic Scene
Tom
Argh! My balls!
Tom
No, not those... Jesus!
Tom
No!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Intergalactic Cooperation and Personal Struggles
President Harris
Isn't this great? Humans and aliens working together. We're one big, happy, intergalactic family.
George
Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.
President Harris
Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Loneliness and Companionship in Isolation
The Architect
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.