32 quotes
Questioning Food Choices in Semi-Pro
Ed Monix
Jackie, what are you eating?
Jackie
I think it's a pancake...
Monix
How long's that been there Jackie?
Jackie
It's been here a while...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Panic Ensues Over Bear in Coliseum
Jackie Moon
Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing a Tropical Vibe
Jackie Moon
Let's get Tropical!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Call for Action in Chaos
Jackie Moon
SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Panic Amidst a Bear-filled Crisis
Jackie Moon
EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion and Chaos on the Basketball Court
Petrelli
How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
Cornelius Banks
Ohhhh, I did get shot!
Dick Pepperfield
Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
Alan the Commissioner
No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
Dick Pepperfield
Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
Clarence Coffee Black
Who the fuck is Bambi?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discovery of Fondue's Unique Flavor
Lou Redwood
Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible!
[about the fondue he just ate]
Jackie Moon
It's called fondue.
Lou Redwood
Fon-what?
Jackie Moon
Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
Bobby Dee
It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Dick Pepperfield
Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive.
[others makes noises of agreement]
Bobby Dee
They are my favorite producers of pornography.
Jackie Moon
They do make an excellent fuck picture!
Dick Pepperfield
Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
Jackie Moon
To the men's room.
Dick Pepperfield
Oh, stop it.
Jackie Moon
To make your wiener sing...boner machine.
[others are laughing]
Dick Pepperfield
I am not a boner machine!
Lou Redwood
Swedish porn saved my life in Nam. Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
[others groan]
Bobby Dee
Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war.
[others laugh]
Cornelius Banks
You were never in Nam, you jive turkey.
[laughter stops]
Lou Redwood
Did you just call me a jive turkey?
[coldly; Cornelius shakes his head]
Jackie Moon
No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks
Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
Lou Redwood
Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield
No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon
Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee
He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield
That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon
Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker.
[others laugh]
Lou Redwood
We like playing games, don't we?
[laughing]
Jackie Moon
It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood
I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin Nam! Who's the jive turkey now? Gun's not loaded!
[draws a gun and points it at Cornelius; bursts out laughing; all laugh]
Jackie Moon
It's not loaded!
Lou Redwood
You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
Cornelius Banks
The gun was not loaded!
Jackie Moon
I'll see you fuckers in hell.
[puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
Bobby Dee
Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.
[aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks
I did call you jive turkey.
[aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
Dick Pepperfield
I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! Rrragh!
[playfully, pointing gun at Lou; pulls trigger]
Lou Redwood
We're saying nutty things cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
[laughing]
Jackie Moon
Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh?
[rests gun on forearm]
Dick Pepperfield
How do you like your martinis, sir?
Jackie Moon
Stirred, in a half carafe.
[aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks
He shoots himself!
Jackie Moon
He shoots himself in the wiener!
[tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Greatest Fro on Earth
Taglines
The Greatest Fro on Earth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Fashion in Sports Journalism
Cameos
] - White Pants reporter
[[w:Brian Huskey|Brian Huskey]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bench Warmer Insights on Life
Lou Redwood
Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
Dick Pepperfield
No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Responses in a Conversation
Monix
Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Vakidis
Yes, right on! (does nothing)
Monix
Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
Vakidis
Yes, right on!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jackie Moon's Aggressive Ultimatum
Jackie Moon
SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Frustrated Expression of Discomfort
Jackie Moon
It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Divine Motivation and Threatening Resolve
Jackie Moon
Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jackie Moon's Impact on Flint Discussed
Lou Redwood
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield
With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Melinda's Perspective on Team Dynamics
Cameos
] - Melinda
[[w:Collette Wolfe|Collette Wolfe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Smoking and Professionalism in Conversation
Dick Pepperfield
Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood
No, I like to smoke when I drink.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Challenges in Unconventional Situations
Cameos
] - Bear Trainer Girl
[[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Turtleneck Reporter Delivers Unconventional Commentary
Cameos
] - Turtleneck reporter
[[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Creepy Impressions of a Young Performer
Dick Pepperfield
He scares me!
Lou Redwood
That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
Dick Pepperfield
Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unity and Positivity in Team Spirit
Jackie Moon
EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparing for the Spotlight on Television
Jackie
There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence Coffee Black
So what's the plan?
Jackie
Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on TV.
Bee Bee Ellis
What the hell is that?
Jackie
It's eyeliner, dummy! Now who's first? Monix?
Monix
Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jackie Moon's Outburst of Frustration
Jackie Moon
You...motherfucking cocksuckers!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Funk and Dunk Unite in Basketball
Taglines
Putting the funk into the dunk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Language Barrier
Jackie Moon
GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN FUCKIN ENGLISH!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Longing for a Simpler Time
Jackie Moon
(to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams of Glory and Nightmares of Reality
Lou Redwood
You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
Dick Pepperfield
Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
[chuckles]
Lou Redwood
...What's your problem?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jackie Moon's Advice on Possums
Jackie Moon
If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Historical Significance of the Flint Mega Bowl
Jackie Moon
When they look back in the annals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement Overwhelms Jackie Moon's Senses
Jackie Moon
I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cornelius Banks on Team Dynamics
Cameos
] - Cornelius Banks
[[w:Tim Meadows|Tim Meadows]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Disrespect with Humor
Jackie Moon
Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.