Shallow Hal (2001) - Quotes

Hal: You screwed me, man. I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman, and you made her disappear!

Mauricio: No, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear. There's a difference. It's called "reality".

Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it. What keeps it from being real?

Mauricio: Third party perspective? Other people agreeing that its real?

Hal: Okay, let me ask you a question. Whose the all time love of your life?

Mauricio: [[Wonder Woman] ].

Hal: Okay, well lets say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right? Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?

Mauricio: Not at all. Cause I know they'd be wrong.

Hal: That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

Mauricio: [realizing; laughs] Geez, I never thought about it that way. Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Hal: [sighs] What am I gonna do?

Mauricio: Hey, hey, don't panic. We just get Tony Robbins back here. He puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya and then he puts you back under.

Hal: [relieved] Good idea.

Mauricio: In the mean time, you just have to avoid Rosemary.

Hal: Why?

Mauricio: Because if you see the real Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna help you. I mean, its the jaws of life to get that image out of your head.

Hal: Hey there, is this not the most adorable little girl? What is your name, sweetheart?

Little girl: Cadence.

Hal: Cadence, huh? A perfect name for a perfect little girl. I do not see what is wrong, I mean, she should be starring in commercials. Tell you what Cadence, I am going to hold you until the cows come home.

Ugly nurse: Visiting hours are over. Out now!

Hal: The cows came home.

Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?

Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

Hal: See, the problem is I'm kind of pricky.

Tony: What do you mean, pricky?

Hal: [[w:Paulina Porizkova|Paulina] Well. For instance, I like them real young. Like, did you ever see ] in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?

Tony: You're looking for a young Paulina type?

Hal: [[Heidi Klum; [Britney Spears; [Michelle Pfeiffer; [Grease 2; [w:Rebecca Romijn-Stamos|Rebecca Romijn-Stamos] Well, that face. But with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? ]'s beams would would do, and her teeth. Or, ooh. That ] girl. She's got great knockers, but she's a tad muscular. Uh. Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too. If she had a better grille. Like, uh. ] back when she did ]. But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kind of like ], before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean? Someone like that.

Tony: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?

Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit too.

Tony: Okay, Hal. Hypothetical situation. Which do you prefer: a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

Mauricio: [[M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H] Hey, Hal. Come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from ]!

Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.

Tony: Who says they're ugly?

Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

Rosemary: Is that a member's only jacket?

Mauricio: Yes.

Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Doctor: Reverend Larson, your son is here.

Reverend: Okay, sure. Send her in.

Mauricio: She's got CANKLES!

Hal: [after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio] Does she take the cake, or what?

Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Hal: [noticing Rosemary across the field] Oh my God, there she is. There's Rosemary.

Mauricio: [trying to see where she is] Where?

Hal: Right there.

Mauricio: Right where?

Hal: Straight ahead, across the field.

Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

Mauricio: You had me at "Get lost".

Tony: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

Mauricio: Have you heard the song Who Let The Dogs Out?

Reverend Larson: First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never ever settle for average.

Young Hal: Yes, sir.

Reverend Larson: Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

Young Hal: [confused] Huh?

Reverend Larson: Don't do what I did. I married for love, and your mother Betty, has been a nightmare.

Young Hal: But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Reverend Larson: Listen to me, I'm giving you pearls here. And third, find yourself a classic beauty. With a perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the Lord. Its all in here. Yes, sir. Hot young tail's what its all about.