14 quotes
Confusion Over Rosemary's Location
Hal
Oh my God, there she is. There's Rosemary.
[noticing Rosemary across the field]
Mauricio
Where?
[trying to see where she is]
Hal
Right there.
Mauricio
Right where?
Hal
Straight ahead, across the field.
Mauricio
Is she behind the Rhino?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Physical Appearance in Shallow Hal
Mauricio
She's got CANKLES!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Youthful Preferences in Attraction
Hal
See, the problem is I'm kind of pricky.
Tony
What do you mean, pricky?
Hal
Well. For instance, I like them real young. Like, did you ever see ] in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
[[w:Paulina Porizkova|Paulina]
Tony
You're looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal
Well, that face. But with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? ]'s beams would would do, and her teeth. Or, ooh. That ] girl. She's got great knockers, but she's a tad muscular. Uh. Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too. If she had a better grille. Like, uh. ] back when she did ]. But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kind of like ], before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean? Someone like that.
[[Heidi Klum; [Britney Spears; [Michelle Pfeiffer; [Grease 2; [w:Rebecca Romijn-Stamos|Rebecca Romijn-Stamos]
Tony
Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal
Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit too.
Tony
Okay, Hal. Hypothetical situation. Which do you prefer: a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal
Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Sweet Compliment About Attraction
Hal
Does she take the cake, or what?
[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Mauricio
She takes the whole bakery, Hal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Observation of Unusual Appearance
Mauricio
Hey, Hal. Come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from ]!
[[M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Compliment Interrupted by Nurse's Warning
Hal
Hey there, is this not the most adorable little girl? What is your name, sweetheart?
Little girl
Cadence.
Hal
Cadence, huh? A perfect name for a perfect little girl. I do not see what is wrong, I mean, she should be starring in commercials. Tell you what Cadence, I am going to hold you until the cows come home.
Ugly nurse
Visiting hours are over. Out now!
Hal
The cows came home.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perceptions of Beauty and Humor in Dialogue
Tony
Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio
Have you heard the song Who Let The Dogs Out?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perceptions of Beauty and Personal Preferences
Mauricio
The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony
Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio
Bausch & Lomb.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Weight Perception and Body Image Discussion
Hal
So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary
Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?
[sarcastically]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Question About a Jacket Membership
Rosemary
Is that a member's only jacket?
Mauricio
Yes.
Rosemary
So what are you, the last member?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception and Reality in Relationships
Hal
You screwed me, man. I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman, and you made her disappear!
Mauricio
No, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear. There's a difference. It's called "reality".
Hal
Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it. What keeps it from being real?
Mauricio
Third party perspective? Other people agreeing that its real?
Hal
Okay, let me ask you a question. Whose the all time love of your life?
Mauricio
].
[[Wonder Woman]
Hal
Okay, well lets say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right? Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?
Mauricio
Not at all. Cause I know they'd be wrong.
Hal
That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio
Geez, I never thought about it that way. Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?
[realizing; laughs]
Hal
What am I gonna do?
[sighs]
Mauricio
Hey, hey, don't panic. We just get Tony Robbins back here. He puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya and then he puts you back under.
Hal
Good idea.
[relieved]
Mauricio
In the mean time, you just have to avoid Rosemary.
Hal
Why?
Mauricio
Because if you see the real Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna help you. I mean, its the jaws of life to get that image out of your head.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dismissive Response in Conversation
Mauricio
You had me at "Get lost".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Son's Arrival at the Reverend's Office
Doctor
Reverend Larson, your son is here.
Reverend
Okay, sure. Send her in.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aim for Excellence, Avoid Mediocrity
Reverend Larson
First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never ever settle for average.
Young Hal
Yes, sir.
Reverend Larson
Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.
Young Hal
Huh?
[confused]
Reverend Larson
Don't do what I did. I married for love, and your mother Betty, has been a nightmare.
Young Hal
But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.
Reverend Larson
Listen to me, I'm giving you pearls here. And third, find yourself a classic beauty. With a perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the Lord. Its all in here. Yes, sir. Hot young tail's what its all about.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.