Ted Quotes

John Hi, Ted.

Ted Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!

John Why? What's going on?

Ted So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!

John What?

Ted Sam Jones, Flash fuckin Gordon, is here!

John Holy shit, what?

Ted You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, his hair is parted down the middle!

John Just like in the movie.

Ted Yes. Get over here right now.

John Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't.

Ted John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

John ...I'm coming.

Ted There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.

John You know what, fuck you. I don't even wanna talk to you.

Ted What?

John Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!

Ted Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.

John Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?!

Ted ...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

John Jesus! You know, Lori was right, I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago! I'm never going to have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...

Ted Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.

John I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.

Donny You're mine Ted!

Ted Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett!

Donny But I can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing.

Ted I think we're very far apart on this.

Ted Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John Fuckin right!

Ted Come on, let's sing the thunder song.

John and Ted When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder cause you're just God's farts!

Sam Jones We are gonna party like the eighties.

Ted Show us how, Flash.

Sam Jones Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.

Ted Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Ted Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like ]!

Narrator And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. ] moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, ]. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful ]? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression, and died of ]. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become ].

Robert NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!

Lori Holy shit?

John Sorry, Somebody had to go ] on that kid, come on.

Ted If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

John Are you gonna do it?

Sam Jones I'm gonna punch through!

Ted Come on Sam! Do it!!

Rex Lori, I need to see you in my office.

Lori The thing is Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get through.

Rex Oh this is work I swear.

Lori Ugh great.

Rex Good luck then.

Store Manager So, you think you got what it takes?

Ted I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath.

Store Manager Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.

Ted That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!

Store Manager You're hired.

Ted Shit!

Ted I'm alive, Johnny!

John Oh, my god!

Ted I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!

John You're back! How did-

Ted Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin retarded.

John You asshole!

Ted Come ere, you bastard!

Narrator No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're ], ], ], or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Ted I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

John What?

Ted I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, pickin her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.

John You're fuckin unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by makin shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're outta your fuckin mind...

Ted Johnny, it's the truth, I'm tellin you.

John You know what? Get outta here...

Ted You know, you're actin like a cock, you know that?

John What?! I'm actin like a cock?!

Ted Yes, you are. So shut your fuckin meat hole for a second and listen to me.

John Huh?

Ted Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Puddin hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any puddin if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blamin me for somethin that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John Oh, and you can?

Ted I don't have to! I'm a fuckin teddy bear! You know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!

John You can't stand there and tell me you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are gettin fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!

Ted Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And y'know, by blamin me, you're just makin yourself look like a pussy.

John Y'know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted Say that one more goddamn time.

John TEDDY RUX-FUCKING-PIN!

Ted Why you crying?

John My dick is squished by the TV.

Store Manager You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?

Ted I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.

Store Manager That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Narrator Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an ]. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

Ted Back off, Susan Boyle!

Asian Man What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!