Ted (2012) - Quotes

Ted: [after coming back alive, appearing and sounding retarded] I'm alive, Johnny!

John: Oh, my god!

Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!

John: You're back! How did-

Ted: [turns out to be normal] Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin retarded.

John: [laughing] You asshole!

Ted: Come ere, you bastard!

Donny: You're mine Ted!

Ted: Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett!

Donny: But I can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing.

Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.

Robert: NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!

Lori: Holy shit?

John: [[w:Joan Crawford|Joan Crawford] Sorry, Somebody had to go ] on that kid, come on.

Ted: I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

John: What?

Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, pickin her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.

John: You're fuckin unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by makin shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're outta your fuckin mind...

Ted: Johnny, it's the truth, I'm tellin you.

John: You know what? Get outta here...

Ted: You know, you're actin like a cock, you know that?

John: What?! I'm actin like a cock?!

Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your fuckin meat hole for a second and listen to me.

John: Huh?

Ted: [in a Scottish accent] Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Puddin hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any puddin if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blamin me for somethin that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John: Oh, and you can?

Ted: I don't have to! I'm a fuckin teddy bear! You know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!

John: You can't stand there and tell me you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are gettin fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!

Ted: Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And y'know, by blamin me, you're just makin yourself look like a pussy.

John: Y'know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted: Say that one more goddamn time.

John: TEDDY RUX-FUCKING-PIN!

Ted: Why you crying?

John: My dick is squished by the TV.

Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.

John: You know what, fuck you. I don't even wanna talk to you.

Ted: What?

John: Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!

Ted: Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.

John: [Furious] Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?!

Ted: ...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

John: Jesus! You know, Lori was right, I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago! I'm never going to have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...

Ted: Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.

John: I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.

Rex: Lori, I need to see you in my office.

Lori: The thing is Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get through.

Rex: Oh this is work I swear.

Lori: Ugh great.

Rex: Good luck then.

Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

John: Are you gonna do it?

Sam Jones: I'm gonna punch through!

Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!

Sam Jones: We are gonna party like the eighties.

Ted: Show us how, Flash.

Sam Jones: Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted: God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.

John: [talking on his phone] Hi, Ted.

Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!

John: Why? What's going on?

Ted: So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!

John: What?

Ted: Sam Jones, Flash fuckin Gordon, is here!

John: Holy shit, what?

Ted: [whispering] You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, his hair is parted down the middle!

John: Just like in the movie.

Ted: Yes. Get over here right now.

John: Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't.

Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

John: ...I'm coming.

Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?

Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.

Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?

Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath.

Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.

Ted: That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!

Store Manager: You're hired.

Ted: Shit!

Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John: Fuckin right!

Ted: Come on, let's sing the thunder song.

John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder cause you're just God's farts!

Asian Man: What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!

Narrator: [[w:Sam J. Jones|Sam Jones; [w:Brandon Routh|Brandon Routh; [w:Superman Returns|Superman movie; [w:Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis|Lou Gehrig's Disease; [w:Taylor Lautner|Taylor Lautner] And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. ] moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, ]. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful ]? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression, and died of ]. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become ].

Narrator: [[w:Corey Feldman|Corey Feldman; [w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz; [w:Justin Bieber|Justin Bieber] No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're ], ], ], or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Narrator: [[w:Apache helicopter|Apache helicopter] Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an ]. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

Ted: Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Ted: Back off, Susan Boyle!

Ted: [[w:Peter Griffin|Peter Griffin] Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like ]!