The Jerk Quotes

Mother Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.

Navin R. Johnson You mean I'm going to stay this color?

Mother I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.

Madman Die, you random son of a bitch. Die, gas pumper!

Navin R. Johnson Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy.

Navin R. Johnson Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!

Navin R. Johnson I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke!

Marie Johnson I don't wanna puke!

Fairgoer Hey, honey, let's see how good this guy is. What do I win?

Navin R. Johnson Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches, right in here, in this area that includes the Chiclets but not the erasers.

Fairgoer No sir. Come on, honey. He thought he had himself a rube.

Navin Frosty, I'm just no good at this.

Frosty Ah, come on, Navin. You're doing fine.

Navin No, I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.

Frosty Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.

Navin Ah, it's a profit deal! Heh, takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight-guessing! Take your chance and win some crap! Step right up!

Taglines He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted.

Grandmother My dear family, Guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin." And he's got the kisses here.

Father That Patty must be a sweet girl.

Mother God bless her.

Stan Fox Damn these glasses, son.

Navin R. Johnson Yes, sir. I damn thee!

Navin R. Johnson For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Mother And remember: the Lord loves a working man!

Navin R. Johnson The Lord loves a working man.

Father And son, don't never ever trust whitey.

Navin Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey.

Mother Oh, baby.

Navin Daddy. Pierre. Come here. Don't you forget to grow up now.

Elvira Johnson Send me a picture, a picture! And I'll call you later! Don't forget, Navie!

Father Okay, okay. Let the boy go.

Elvira Bye.

Father We got work to do.

Mother And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Navin I will, Ma. I know it's out there.

Taj It's out there all right, and if you catch it see a doctor and get rid of it.

Navin See a doctor and get rid of it.

Taj Good luck.

Navin The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.

Navin R. Johnson I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, to right up against your lips and give you a kiss.

Marie Why didn't you?

Navin Well, I didn't want to get spit on me.

Taglines From rags to riches... to rags.

Navin R. Johnson I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!

Navin R. Johnson What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person. What do I do with this? Oh, you keep it there. Where's your garbage?

Patty Bernstein You know what I'd like to do?

Navin What?

Patty Guess your weight.

Navin Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess my weight! You see, I guess their weight so it's sort of a—

Patty Put your arms up.

Navin This will give me a whole different perspective on this. Hey! You're really trying to be accurate! Is it getting hot in here? Wait a minute! What's happening to my "special purpose"?

Patty What's your special purpose?

Navin Well, when I was a kid my mom told me: there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what that special purpose was!

Patty Today's the day!

Navin Hey, this is like a ride!

Navin R. Johnson Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?

Marie Johnson Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.

Navin What was it?

Marie The Way We Were.

Navin R. Johnson Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. Well, I don't need my dog.

Navin R. Johnson First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Harry Hartounian Boy, get to work in there!

Navin R. Johnson But sir, I don't even work here.

Harry Not even for a dollar ten an hour?

Hotel Guest Don't call the dog "Lifesaver". Call him "Shithead".

Harry Hartounian Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.

Navin R. Johnson Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity — your name in print — that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

Madman Johnson, Navin R. Sounds like a typical bastard.

Navin R. Johnson Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin on the porch with my family, singin and dancin down in Mississippi.