26 quotes
Final Showdown: Claire vs. Mr. Chun
Teams
Claire Fletcher vs Mr. Chun (final defeat)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Welcome to the Infantry
Taglines
Welcome to the infantry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ready for Parenting Challenges
Taglines
Prepare for bottle. Prepare for battle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Emergency Situation Calls for Immediate Action
Zoe
Oh, my God! What do we do?
Seth
Find a cop.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Responsibility and Humor
Shane Wolfe
Got them here. My fault.
Murney
Yeah, I always said these kids needed a parole officer. I guess Mrs. Plummer thought so too, huh? Wow, you got a real upper torso going on, huh? You ever do any time?
Seth
Sasquatch.
[low]
Murney
You got something to say, boy?
Seth
No.
Murney
No? Good. Wow, it looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders. You hit the gym a lot, do you?
Shane Wolfe
Eh.
Seth
Woolly mammoth.
[low tone]
Murney
All right, you know what, Creeper? You just bought yourself an extra 15 minutes on the mats with the Murninator!
Shane Wolfe
Excuse me. Lieutenant Shane Wolfe. I'm watching the kids for the Plummers, a few days.
Murney
Oh, babysitter, huh? Well, good, whatever job you can get, right? I'm Murney, Dwayne Murney. My friends call me "Little Puppet". I'm the VP here. I'm in charge of discipline, conduct and truancy from top to bottom, K through 12. You're in my house now, strong man.
Shane Wolfe
You're the vice principal.
Murney
And the wrestling coach. See the Creeper over there? He has played hooky from every wrestling practice this month. And her, she has missed 22 Driver's Ed classes out of 23! These are the worst students in my school. I'm ashamed of...
Claire Fletcher
Your school? Good morning, kids. Mr. Murney, thank you so much for watching my chair for me. I'll take it from here.
[clears throat]
Murney
Roger that. Absolutely. I was just informing our new friend here about some of the duties as vice principal.
Claire Fletcher
Yes, and speaking of which, how's it going with the investigation into the baloney slices on the cafeteria ceiling?
Murney
Oh, that's been taking some interesting turns.
Claire Fletcher
You just keep up the good work.
Murney
Right then. I'll be on the roof.
Claire Fletcher
Bye, now. All right, kids, I think it's time to get back to class. I'll cut you some slack seeing as it's Lieutenant Wolfe's first day. Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navy S.E.A.L. Encounters Unexpected Challenges
Taglines
This Navy S.E.A.L. Meets His Match.
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Final Confrontation Between Julie and Mrs. Chun
Teams
Julie Plummer vs Mrs. Chun (final battle)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Tensions Between Teacher and Student
Murney
I don't think you understand. Don't you ever do that again. Is that clear? Okay, I've had it. I caught the kid dancing on the bleachers to no music. I want him out of my class. Somebody's gotta give this punk a talking to.
Shane Wolfe
Seth?
Murney
Well, you got something to say, twinkle toes?
Seth
Yeah. Yeah, I do, Murney. I quit.
Murney
You quit. You know why you quit? Because you're a quitter. And everybody knows that quitters quit. What are you scared of, huh, Prancer?
Seth
I'm not scared. I want to act.
Murney
And I want to take up origami.
Seth
I'm in The Sound of Music.
Murney
Oh, a musical. So you're giving up wrestling to be in a musical. You see, that's what happens when there isn't a man in the house.
Seth
There is a man in the house. It's me.
Murney
Well, it's gotta be a tiny house. You think you're tough, boy, don't you? Wanna shave the tiger? Do you? Huh? You want it tough?
[laughs]
Shane Wolfe
Where did you wanna do this?
Murney
What are you talking about, babysitter?
Shane Wolfe
You said you wanted to wrestle. Where? When?
Murney
After school.
Shane Wolfe
Okay. Today?
Murney
That's right, the gym, okay? Remember, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Out of my way!
[snorts]
Shane Wolfe
How did that feel?
Seth
It was good.
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Respect and Self-Perception in Adolescent Relationships
Zoe
Come on, Seth. You've been in there for an hour. Thanks a lot, Lieutenant Loser. Now I'm gonna be the school joke. I don't even know what I'm gonna say to my friends.
Shane Wolfe
You call those people your friends? They have no respect for you. They have no respect for your home. You have no respect for yourself.
Zoe
I do, too, respect myself.
Shane Wolfe
Company downstairs. And that means you too.
Zoe
You're not my dad. In case you haven't noticed, this family is going through a really hard time, and you're just making everything a lot worse. You have no feelings. We hate you, and you hate us. So why don't you just leave us alone?
Shane Wolfe
Don't worry. When your mom comes back, I'm gone. Now what?
[crash]
Zoe
Scott.
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Final Words in Unlikely Circumstances
Bill Fawcett
Any last words, Shane?
Shane Wolfe
Say good night, Peter Panda.
Julie Plummer
Shane, are you okay? She was never a good neighbor.
[Julie punches Mrs. Chun the face]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement for Stability and Safety
Lulu Plummer
Land! Solid land!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Finding Strength in Adversity Through Dance
Julie Plummer
I knew Howard; you haven't a chance!
Shane Wolfe
When you're low… lower than the floor… and you think you haven't got a chance… don't make a move til you're in the groove: do the Peter Panda Dance!".
[''slowly'']
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Unexpected Compliments and Kung-Fu Skills
Lulu
Hi. Zoe says you look like the Hulk. I think you're cute.
Shane
(stunned) Thank you.
Lulu
Do you know kung-fu?
Shane Wolfe
Yes.
Lulu
Have you ever punch a guy so hard his head came off?
Shane Wolfe
No.
Lulu
Why are your boobs so big?
Shane Wolfe
They are not... boobs.
[shocked]
Lulu
Do you have to wear a bra? Will mine be as big as yours one day?
Shane Wolfe
You know what, little girl? I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.
Lulu
Do I look like I'm five to you?
Shane Wolfe
What did I say?
Lulu
Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.
Shane Wolfe
Okay, troops! Breakfast! What are you waiting for? Dig in. Feel free to mix and match. Stay away from the cheese. It'll back you up. Don't worry about running out. I can get lots more of these. I've survived months off this stuff.
Zoe
Okay, like, I'm really gonna eat all of these carbs?
Lulu
I can cross my eyes. Wanna see?
Shane Wolfe
No.
Lulu
Tyler hates it when I do that.
Shane Wolfe
I know how he feels. What's he...? Red Four! Plummer residence. Yes, I know it's Monday today. No, Mrs. Plummer's away. Yes, we'll be right there.
[phone rings]
Zoe
Who was that?
Shane Wolfe
Your vice principal. He said that if you and Seth are late again, you're both suspended. He wants to see you in his office right away.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Teamwork in a Tense Moment
Shane Wolfe
Gary, now!
Mr. Chun
AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!
Claire Fletcher
Couldn't let you have all the fun.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Managing Conflict Among Friends
Seth
Hey!
Shane Wolfe
Enough.
Murney
All right, you heard the lady. Let's break it up, guys. Come on. Hmm? Relax, Popeye. Boys will be boys, huh? Anyway, it's kinda good for the creeper. Gives him a chance to punk up. Learn to defend himself.
Shane Wolfe
Six against one?
Murney
Well, you know, the odds are never pretty, but look at it, as like, a preparation for him. You know, the naked streets of Bethesda can be so dark and dangerous, right, creeper?
[Seth angrily tries to attack Murney, but Shane restrains him]
Shane Wolfe
Ooh, whoa.
Murney
You're pretty quick there, frogman. I, myself, happen to be a blackbelt. That's why they wanted me to coach the wrestling team. Ooh-aah! Sensei. You know what that's called, homeboy? Total control. You all right? Hmm? I tell you what, maybe sometime you can pop by our wrestling class, and we'll show a couple pros how it's done. What do you think? I'll go easy on you.
Shane Wolfe
I'm on duty.
Murney
You're on duty. Oh, that's right. That's right, you're a babysitter. So it's kind of like "doo-doo duty". Don't worry about it. We'll do it on a day when you're not washing your hair, hmm? And I'll see you in class. At ease.
Shane Wolfe
That guy don't have his head on right.
Seth
I was fine. I don't need your help.
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Misunderstanding in a Parking Situation
Seth
Zoe, you're going too fast. You're not gonna have time to stop.
Zoe
Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking.
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Class Attendance and Responsibility Concerns
Shane Wolfe
Okay, so she wrecked the Driver's Ed car. The insurance will pay for it.
Murney
They were parallel parking when the instructor jumped from the car. But it's not about her. It's about the boy.
Shane Wolfe
Has he been skipping class again?
Claire Fletcher
Skipping class? He always skips sixth period, but...
Murney
All right, Seth! Okay, take off the hat.
Shane Wolfe
Go ahead.
Murney
Look at that. That's how he showed up for practice today. And that's not all. I was doing a little recon in his locker and I found this, okay? Now if it was a girlie magazine or a hamster, fine. Boys will be boys. But this is sick.
[holds up a Nazi armband, part of Seth's "Young Rolf" costume]
Shane Wolfe
All right, he dyed his hair. He's not a Nazi.
Claire Fletcher
This is not normal. We're very concerned. All right, kids, why don't you get back to class? Mr. Murney, would you give me a minute? Look, I'm sure this is about their father. We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk to the school psychologist, but they won't. Maybe you can get through to them and see what's going on?
[bell rings]
Shane Wolfe
I'll talk to them and see what I can do.
Claire Fletcher
Thanks.
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Morning Routine and Urgency Conflict
Seth
What are you doing?
Shane Wolfe
You're burning daylight. Move!
Seth
It's Sunday. And it's 6:00 am. You're insane!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Between Shane Wolfe and Bill Fawcett
Teams
Shane Wolfe vs Bill Fawcett (final battle)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparing for Parenthood Challenges
Taglines
Prepare for bottle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Among Friends and Family
Scott
What's your problem, man? Hey, get off me!
Zoe
Oh, my God! What are you doing, you spaz? That's my boyfriend!
Shane Wolfe
So you're the one that has been breaking in! Go back inside!
Zoe
No!
Mr. Chun
Oh, we speak English, buddy.
Mrs. Chun
Look, about the sirens and the strobe lights. We own a bakery, so we're up kind of early. Would you mind?
Shane Wolfe
Sorry.
[sirens stop]
Mr. Chun
Oh, and we found this in our pool filter. Try to keep that zoo reined in, huh, babysitter?
Scott
Yo, fool, handle me like that again and I'll be forced to lay knuckles upside your head.
Zoe
Okay. Enough is enough! Come on, Scott. Let's go. Come on.
Shane Wolfe
No, you don't. Get back here. Give me 20. I meant push-ups.
[pulls Scott back; Scott pulls out his wallet to give Shane $20]
Scott
Zoe?
Shane Wolfe
Drop down! Do 20!
[Scott does push-ups]
Zoe
Okay, this is not the Army or the Navy. Real nice move, Lieutenant Smooth. He'll probably never speak to me.
Shane Wolfe
Then I did you a favor.
Zoe
Whoa, personal bubble invasion.
Shane Wolfe
Your mother was worried sick about you. You should just call her and tell her the truth.
Zoe
Oh, I'm sure you'll take care of that for me. Stay out of my life. Wait, you can't do this! I have plans! It's Saturday night! Ow!
[Zoe tries to kick Shane, but Shane grabs her foot]
Shane Wolfe
Not anymore. You too. Lights out.
[slams the bedroom door; to Seth]
Seth
Bite me.
[scoffs]
Shane Wolfe
Boy, this family is in for a rude awakening.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mission Briefing and Expectations for Perfection
Shane Wolfe
Atten-hut! Here's our man. Professor Howard Plummer. He's been kidnapped by a group of Serbian rebels. Yeah, I know we've been up for 72 hours, but I expect perfection. Nothing else. They enemy has a boat, 4 jet skis, and a chopper.
[first lines]
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Questioning Competence in a Chaotic Situation
Helga
Tell me, are you licensed to kill?
[to Shane]
Shane Wolfe
No, ma'am.
Helga
Hmm. Too bad. It could have come in handy.
Shane Wolfe
Where's the baby? Is there anyone here who understands the meaning of the word "discipline"?
[Lulu points to the kitchen]
Helga
Hey, Flipper, you don't like it? Do something. I make bottle. Thank you, Peter.
[Peter throws some cereal onto Helga and Tyler cries]
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Facing Pursuit with Determination
Zoe
He's gaining on us.
Seth
I'll handle it.
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Leaving No One Behind
Lulu
Shane. You can't do this. You can't leave a man behind.
Seth
Hold on, I got it.
[open bottle with milk awake Shane]
Zoe and Lulu
Shane!
Zoe
Where's Mom?
Shane Wolfe
Mom? I'll find her. You guys run and get help. Hurry!
[four kids running in Julie's car.]
Lulu
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Shane Wolfe
Yes, Lulu. Go, get help.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A New Direction for Murney's Talents
Claire Fletcher
Looks like you have a hit on your hands.
Shane Wolfe
You think so?
Claire Fletcher
Mm-hmm. You should take over the drama department instead of the wrestling team. It's gonna be nice having you around now. Now that Murney's found his true calling.
[She and Shane chuckle]
Murney
Climb every mountain/Ford every stream…
[singing]
Shane Wolfe
It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.