12 quotes
Embracing Ignorance in Character Performance
Speedman
You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded. I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded.
Lazarus
Damn.
Speedman
In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
Lazarus
To be a moron.
Speedman
Yeah.
Lazarus
To be moronical.
Speedman
Exactly, to be a moron.
Lazarus
An imbecile.
Speedman
Yeah.
Lazarus
Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.
Speedman
When I was playing the character.
Lazarus
When you was the character.
Speedman
Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Lazarus
Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that.
Speedman
In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn't retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, "Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?" It's just like... Right?
Lazarus
You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off. Yeah. But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather, didn't think he was retarded, so you can't afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is, that's tricky.
Speedman
Hm. Tricky.
Lazarus
It's like working with mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form.
Speedman
Yeah.
Lazarus
You an artist.
Speedman
Hm. That's what we do, right? Yeah.
Lazarus
Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
Speedman
About what?
Lazarus
You're serious? You don't know? Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Speedman
What do you mean?
Lazarus
Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ], looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks, ]. Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs, But he charmed the pants off ], and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, ]. Infantile, yes, retarded, no. And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
[[Rain Man; [Forrest Gump; [Richard Nixon|Nixon; theatrical cut only; [Being There; director's cut only; both cuts; silence]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Listening to the Universe's Messages
Les Grossman
The universe is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
Grossman
See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.
Rob Slolom
Mmm, yeah.
Grossman
Ask, and you shall receive.
Slolom
All right!
Grossman
You play ball, we play ball. I know you want the goodies. Mmm!
[Slolom nods. Grossman begins dancing like he's slapping ass.]
Slolom
Welcome to the goodie room.
Grossman
You payin attention? Cuz I'm talkin ], Pecker. That's how you're gonna roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boi. Oh yeah. Playa. Playa. Big dick playa.
[[w:Gulfstream V|G5]
Slolom
Swingin past your knees.
Grossman
Big dick, baby.
Slolom
Yup.
Grossman
Or, you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick "Pecker" Peck
Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of fifteen years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone for some money and a G5.
Grossman
Yes.
Pecker
A G5 airplane.
Grossman
Yes. And lots of money. Playa....
[Grossman starts the music again, and he and Slolom start dancing again.]
Slolom
Yeah! Smack it up, flip up, rub it down, hoo!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Identity and Perception
Speedman
I don’t believe you people!
Lazarus
Huh! What do you mean, “you people”?
[silence]
Chino
What do YOU mean, “you people”!?
Lazarus
HUH?
Sandusky
I... I think what, uh, Tugg means is, “you people”, “you actors”.
Speedman
Chill! Alright? Just chill it! Now, let’s go get those Vietcongs.
Chino
Vietcong!
Speedman
What?
Chino
It’s “Vietcong”, there’s no ‘s’, it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mocking Praise in Hollywood Negotiations
Studio Executive Rob Slolom
Wow. Eight Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les Grossman
I couldn't have done it without you.
Slolom
Really?
Grossman
No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Slolom
I wouldn't do that.
Grossman
Ah... joking.
Slolom
Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Grossman
Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Representation and Humor in Film
Alpa Chino
And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent. Cause they one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to ].
[[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]
Kirk Lazarus
Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Chino
I just wanted to throw another ].
[[w:Shrimp on the barbie|shrimp on your Barbie]
Lazarus
That shit ain't funny.
Chino
I'm just fucking with you, ]. I'm sorry if a dingo ate yo baby.
[[w:Kangaroo Jack|Kangaroo Jack]
Lazarus
You know that's a true story? ]. You about to cross a fucking line.
[[w:Death of Azaria Chamberlain|Lady lost her kid]
Kevin Sandusky
Hey guys could we just cool it...
Chino
You know what, fuck that, I'm sick of this koala-hunting nigga-
[Kirk slaps Alpa. Alpa tries to punch Kirk but Kirk grabs his fist and pulls him in and hugs him.]
Lazarus
For 400 years, that word has kept us down.
Chino
...what the fuck!?
[confused]
Lazarus
Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill, but now we up in the big leagues...
Chino
That's the theme songs from ]. You really need help!
[Breaks away from Kirk; [w:The Jeffersons|The Jeffersons]
Lazarus
Just cause it's a theme song doesn't mean it's not true.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Son's Farewell to His Mother
Tugg Speedman
Goodbye Momma! Now you can have ice cream in heaven! I'll see you tonight when I go to bed, in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!
[as Simple Jack]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Language Skills in Unconventional Preparation
Jeff Portnoy
So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus
No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Portnoy
How the hell do you know Chinese?
Lazarus
Land of Silk and Money with ]. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
[[w:Gong Li|Gong Li]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Meaning of Crisis Meetings
Damien
Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, you know, are we in a crisis?
Rob
He's the head of the studio. He's reaching out. We're 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time.
Damien
I know. It's just you said he called it a crisis meeting. So, you know...
Rob
It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired." These are just words.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation on Set
Les Grossman
I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn
Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
Les Grossman
And who here is the key grip? You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!
[the key grip raises his hand]
Key Grip
Sorry, man.
[reluctantly walks over to Damien; punches him in the face]
Les Grossman
This is all your fault, you Limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend.
Damien Cockburn
What?
Rob Slolom
God damn it, Damien! with all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle.
Damien Cockburn
What?
Les Grossman
Fuck the jungle.
Rob Slolom
Exactly! come on, man.
Damien Cockburn
Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! he can't cry!
Les Grossman
You know how you handle an actor? they whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
Rob Slolom
You spank that ass, Les.
Damien Cockburn
What?
Four-Leaf Tayback
Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
Les Grossman
Who is this guy?
[beat]
Rob Slolom
Les, that's Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback
Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman
Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! Look, Cockburn.
Damien Cockburn
Yes.
Les Grossman
From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down. Diet Coke!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Role in Performance
Kirk Lazarus
I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude! You a dude who don't know what dude he is.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Les Grossman's Aggressive Ultimatum to Flaming Dragon
Les Grossman
Okay, Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking ], motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Find out who that was.
[incensed at Flaming Dragon's demands; [w:scorched earth|scorched earth; hangs up; to assistant]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion Among Characters in Unfamiliar Territory
Cody
Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four-Leaf Tayback
I have no idea, I've never been outside the States.
Cody
Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?!
Tayback
Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody
Coast Guard.
Tayback
Sanitation Department.
Cody
Oh my God! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A.
Tayback
I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot.
Cody
Yeah, you're the ] of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
[[w:Milli Vanilli|Milli Vanilli]
Tayback
Writers lie all the time!
Cody
Can I be tied to another post please?
[a guard bursts in]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.