Tropic Thunder (2008) - Quotes

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. Eight Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.

Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.

Slolom: Really?

Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.

Slolom: I wouldn't do that.

Grossman: Ah... joking.

Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.

Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

Speedman: You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded. I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded.

Lazarus: Damn.

Speedman: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.

Lazarus: To be a moron.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lazarus: To be moronical.

Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.

Lazarus: An imbecile.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.

Speedman: When I was playing the character.

Lazarus: When you was the character.

Speedman: Yeah, as Jack, definitely.

Lazarus: Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that.

Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn't retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, "Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?" It's just like... Right?

Lazarus: You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off. Yeah. But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather, didn't think he was retarded, so you can't afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is, that's tricky.

Speedman: Hm. Tricky.

Lazarus: It's like working with mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lazarus: You an artist.

Speedman: Hm. That's what we do, right? Yeah.

Lazarus: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.

Speedman: About what?

Lazarus: You're serious? You don't know? Everybody knows you never go full retard.

Speedman: What do you mean?

Lazarus: [[Rain Man; [Forrest Gump; [Richard Nixon|Nixon; theatrical cut only; [Being There; director's cut only; both cuts; silence] Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ], looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks, ]. Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs, But he charmed the pants off ], and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, ]. Infantile, yes, retarded, no. And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

Alpa Chino: [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee] And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent. Cause they one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to ].

Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.

Chino: [[w:Shrimp on the barbie|shrimp on your Barbie] I just wanted to throw another ].

Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.

Chino: [[w:Kangaroo Jack|Kangaroo Jack] I'm just fucking with you, ]. I'm sorry if a dingo ate yo baby.

Lazarus: [[w:Death of Azaria Chamberlain|Lady lost her kid] You know that's a true story? ]. You about to cross a fucking line.

Kevin Sandusky: Hey guys could we just cool it...

Chino: [Kirk slaps Alpa. Alpa tries to punch Kirk but Kirk grabs his fist and pulls him in and hugs him.] You know what, fuck that, I'm sick of this koala-hunting nigga-

Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down.

Chino: [confused] ...what the fuck!?

Lazarus: Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill, but now we up in the big leagues...

Chino: [Breaks away from Kirk; [w:The Jeffersons|The Jeffersons] That's the theme songs from ]. You really need help!

Lazarus: Just cause it's a theme song doesn't mean it's not true.

Speedman: I don’t believe you people!

Lazarus: [silence] Huh! What do you mean, “you people”?

Chino: What do YOU mean, “you people”!?

Lazarus: HUH?

Sandusky: I... I think what, uh, Tugg means is, “you people”, “you actors”.

Speedman: Chill! Alright? Just chill it! Now, let’s go get those Vietcongs.

Chino: Vietcong!

Speedman: What?

Chino: It’s “Vietcong”, there’s no ‘s’, it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses.

Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?

Four-Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the States.

Cody: Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?!

Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!

Cody: Coast Guard.

Tayback: Sanitation Department.

Cody: Oh my God! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A.

Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot.

Cody: [[w:Milli Vanilli|Milli Vanilli] Yeah, you're the ] of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!

Tayback: Writers lie all the time!

Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?

Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.

Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?

Lazarus: [[w:Gong Li|Gong Li] Land of Silk and Money with ]. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Les Grossman: The universe is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.

Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.

Rob Slolom: Mmm, yeah.

Grossman: Ask, and you shall receive.

Slolom: All right!

Grossman: [Slolom nods. Grossman begins dancing like he's slapping ass.] You play ball, we play ball. I know you want the goodies. Mmm!

Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room.

Grossman: [[w:Gulfstream V|G5] You payin attention? Cuz I'm talkin ], Pecker. That's how you're gonna roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boi. Oh yeah. Playa. Playa. Big dick playa.

Slolom: Swingin past your knees.

Grossman: Big dick, baby.

Slolom: Yup.

Grossman: Or, you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.

Rick "Pecker" Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of fifteen years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone for some money and a G5.

Grossman: Yes.

Pecker: A G5 airplane.

Grossman: [Grossman starts the music again, and he and Slolom start dancing again.] Yes. And lots of money. Playa....

Slolom: Yeah! Smack it up, flip up, rub it down, hoo!!

Les Grossman: I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?

Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.

Les Grossman: [the key grip raises his hand] And who here is the key grip? You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!

Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien; punches him in the face] Sorry, man.

Les Grossman: This is all your fault, you Limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend.

Damien Cockburn: What?

Rob Slolom: God damn it, Damien! with all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle.

Damien Cockburn: What?

Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle.

Rob Slolom: Exactly! come on, man.

Damien Cockburn: Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! he can't cry!

Les Grossman: You know how you handle an actor? they whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.

Rob Slolom: You spank that ass, Les.

Damien Cockburn: What?

Four-Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.

Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy?

Rob Slolom: Les, that's Four Leaf.

Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.

Les Grossman: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! Look, Cockburn.

Damien Cockburn: Yes.

Les Grossman: From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down. Diet Coke!

Damien: Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, you know, are we in a crisis?

Rob: He's the head of the studio. He's reaching out. We're 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time.

Damien: I know. It's just you said he called it a crisis meeting. So, you know...

Rob: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired." These are just words.

Les Grossman: [incensed at Flaming Dragon's demands; [w:scorched earth|scorched earth; hangs up; to assistant] Okay, Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking ], motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Find out who that was.

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Goodbye Momma! Now you can have ice cream in heaven! I'll see you tonight when I go to bed, in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude! You a dude who don't know what dude he is.