30 quotes
Family Separation and Emotional Impact
Tia Russell
If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.
[to her mother]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sibling Dynamics and Independence in Uncle Buck
Buck
What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia
Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends.
Buck
No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia
Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck
Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia
Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck
Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
Tia
I'm stunned that I'm related to you.
Buck
You get the pole out of your keister, we're gonna get along just fine.
Tia
Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?
Buck
No.
Buck
Do you think she hates me?
Maizy
With a passion.
Buck
Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maizy
No.
Buck
No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Concerns in Unconventional Relationships
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.
E. Roger Cogswell
You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.
[to Buck]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Car Fire Misunderstanding Leads to Party Location
Man and woman in other car
Your car’s on fire!
[in unison]
Buck
No, no, no it’s just a little oil. I’m looking for a party somewhere around here.
Woman
Oh that’s on Toadawa Lane.
Buck
My niece is there.
Woman
Our son is there.
Buck
Ah, kids.
Man
I don’t think you oughta go in there with that hat on, they’ll kill ya
Buck
Really?
Man
Yeah.
Buck
Thanks for the tip.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Boundaries
Bug
Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck
Ah-hee-hee-hee! Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
[Mockingly]
Bug
I don't get it.
Buck
You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah-hee-hee-hee-hee.
Tia
Are you crazy?
Buck
I can be.
Tia
You could have taken his head off!
Buck
Yeah, but would he notice?
Tia
Can we get something straight?
Buck
The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia
Really?
Buck
You bet.
Tia
And how would you know?
Buck
When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia
I recommend you stay out of my personal life!
Buck
Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia
They don't know my personal life.
Buck
Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia
His name is Bug.
Buck
First or last?
[chuckles]
Tia
First!
Buck
What's his last name, Spray?
Tia
You should talk, "Buck.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncle Buck's Bold and Provocative Statement
Buck Russell
Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
[struggling to open the washing machine]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Buck's Toasting Mishap
Buck Russell
You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door!
[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Memorable Conversation About Dimples and Feelings
Buck
Chanice? Buck. I hate these machines. Look I’m just calling to say I miss you. I know you probably don’t believe it but it’s true, no I haven’t been drinking. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and what we talked about in the past few weeks. I think about you all the time, I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
[to himself]
Chanice
Dimples!
Buck
What do we call them? One... one was on the right, was Lyndon and left was...
Chanice
It's Johnson.
Buck
Johnson.
Buck
And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disney World. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defining Relationships in Uncle Buck
Tia
What’s a “Chanice”?
[after over-hearing Roger talk about Chanice]
Buck
That’s someone who’s sometimes seen around a Buck.
Tia
Your girlfriend?
Buck
A friend. And, yes, she is a girl.
Tia
Are you supposed to marry her or something?
Buck
The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.
Tia
Maybe if you got married, you’d stop being such an asshole.
[she gives Buck a sly look]
Buck
Cigar?
[while smoking a cigar]
Tia
No. Thanks.
Buck
Let me know if you change your mind.
Tia
I will.
[sarcastically]
Buck
I’ll get it nice and juicy for ya.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Memorable Week in Maizy's Life
Maizy's Teacher
Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
Maizy's Teacher
Maizy?
Maizy
My uncle was microwaving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour.
Maizy's Teacher
Honest?
Maizy
Yes
Maizy's Teacher
Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maizy
He can't get the Goddamn washing machine to work.
Maizy's Teacher
BLASPHEMER!
[picks up a ruler]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Buck's Humorous Self-Identification
Anita
I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell
Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart, not her wart. I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buckwart Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming!" I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!
[Staring at it; she gives him a look]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Quitting Smoking
Buck
Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell
Oh, good.
Buck
Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Unnecessary Noise of Boys
Maizy
I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles
Shut up!
[off-screen]
Maizy
Shut up, yourself!
Tia
We need boys so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Work and Pie: A Casual Conversation
Chanice
How’s that pie?
Buck
It’s not bad!
Chanice
You gonna be at work in the morning?
Buck
I don’t see how I can avoid it.
Chanice
You don’t seem very happy about it.
Buck
All right, if you gotta know, I’m really not that excited about going to work for my girlfriend. There, I said it. It’s out of the way.
Chanice
Okay, Buck, I love you, I can’t help myself, I wanna get married, I wanna have a family, I wanna do it with you! Well, you know, the clock is ticking away here. I would just like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die.
Buck
I’ll get ya a mouse and a piece of sheet metal.
[chuckles]
Buck
Come on. Lighten up, will ya?
Chanice
Don’t push my button. I’m not gonna get into this.
Buck
I’m not pushing your buttons. I know me. I know what I like. All right? I like my friends. I like my freedom. I like knowing I can throw my sticks in the truck of my car and go golfing any time I want. I don’t hurt anybody, I don’t see what the problem is.
Chanice
That is the best formula for loneliness I ever heard.
Buck
Why are we arguing?
Chanice
We’re talking.
Buck
I said I’d be at working in the morning, I’ll be there.
Chanice
Okay. I…I just gotta get this out. I mean I know I’m like harping on something here, but, you know, just let me say it, I’m working on history, I’m working on the past, you’re gonna show up for work, you swear to God? In the A.M.? Promise?
[pauses]
Buck
Chanice, I’ll be honest with you; if I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I’d use it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visit and Ice Cream Invitation
Buck
Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia
What are you doing here?
Buck
We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia
I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck
Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug
It's an ax?
Buck
Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug
I'll pass.
Buck
Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up, say, for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat, are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoaaa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
Tia
I'm sorry.
Bug
Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia
He's all talk.
Buck
Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Complimenting Mother's Efforts at Dinner
Tia Russell
This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How DO you find the time?
[They're eating Chinese take-out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bowling Plans and Makeup Disagreements
Miles
Waiting for your sex?
Tia
Shut up.
Buck
Tia? What’d you blow all that make-up for? We’re just going bowling.
Tia
I’m not going bowling.
Buck
C’mon it’s a great sport and it’s virtually impossible to get pregnant while doing it. If you catch my drift.
Tia
You’re disgusting! I’ll die before I go anywhere with you.
Miles
It’s gonna be fun!
Maizy
They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia
And rent-a-foot disease!
Buck
We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia
Try me.
Buck
How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
[Smiles and mimes electric clippers, making a buzzing sound]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Tensions During a Week Off
Cindy Russell
When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia
So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell
I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia
Oh really?
Cindy Russell
Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Buck Reflects on the Kids' Growth
Buck Russell
Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.
[On the way to his brother's]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reconnecting Through Family Bonds
Buck
You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.
Tia
I'm sorry.
[crying]
Buck
Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
An Apology and a Dentist's Advice
Bug
You shithead! I could've suffocated in here!
Buck
You know what I'd like you to do. You could be doing both of us a favor. I'd like you to apologize to this lady, please.
Bug
I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! OK, ASSHOLE! I'M SORRY!
Buck
You may not know this, but I'm an amateur dentist.
[Nowhere near satisfied with Bug's screaming apology]
Tia
Oh yes, he is.
Bug
I'm sorry.
[Being serious]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation Between Uncle Buck and Tia
Tia
Uncle Buck?
Buck
Yeah?
Tia
Got a minute?
Buck
I got lots of minutes.
Tia
Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.
Buck
You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out of my sight.
Tia
You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?
Buck
You mean easy? No.
Tia
I mean decent!
Buck
You mean blind!
Tia
Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit-creek and got stuck!
Buck
Get used on your parent's time.
Tia
Hey, Buck?
Buck
Yeah?
Tia
Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone else messes with your life, doesn't it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clown's Confidence in Local Entertainment
Buck
What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.
Pooter-the-Clown
What are you? ]? You never touch the stuff?
[[w:Mother Cabrini|Mother Cabrini]
Buck
No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?
Pooter-the-Clown
I don't have to take any shit from you! You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!
Buck
Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Pooter-the-Clown
Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life, lying, four-flushing, sack-of-shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Morning Radio Announcement by Buck Russell
Buck Russell
It’s 7:02 in the a.m., you’re listening to “W-I-don’t-have-to-go-to-work-today” brought to you by Kobolowski Tires. For the best in tires see Chanice! Kobolowski.
[Imitating a radio DJ while making breakfast]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toothbrush Truth and Consequences
Buck
Did you brush your teeth?
Miles
Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck
You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
Maizy
If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tia's Sarcastic Comment on Parental Choices
Tia Russell
Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defending the Innocence of Children
Buck Russell
I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
[to Maizy's principal]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in the Cold Outside
Buck
Bob. Bob? This isn’t funny! C’mon! Wake up! I’m freezing my ass off out here!
Bob
Oh shit…
[watching from the front window as Buck yells at the house across the street]
Buck
C’mon I’m getting mad Bob. Yo, Bobby!!
Bob
Buck?
[steps out the front door]
Buck
Bob?
Bob
Buck!
Buck
Bob?
Bob
Buck!
Buck
Bob?
Bob
Over here!
Buck
Do you have any idea how many big white houses there are on this street?
[pauses, realizing he’s shown up to the wrong house]
Bob
Shh!
Buck
What?
Bob
Keep it down.
Buck
What? What do you want me to do with my car?
Neighbour
For crying out loud!
[off-screen]
Bob
Oh, uh, sorry Mr. Hatfield!
Mr. Hatfield
It's 2 A.M.!
Buck
How ya doin'? Hey sorry I'm late.
[to Bob as he walks up to the front door]
Bob
Oh no, thats ok. Thanks for coming.
Buck
Hey, what happened to the moustache?
Bob
Oh. I had to shave it off
Buck
How's Cindy?
Bob
Not well. Not well.
Buck
Her dad?
Bob
Hard to say.
Buck
All those medical terms huh? What is it, an infarction or something like that?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Flu Season Concerns and Playful Banter
Miles
That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.
Maisey
I'll bet she's getting the tongue!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Living Arrangements in the City
Miles
Where do you live?
Buck
In the city.
Miles
You have a house?
Buck
Apartment.
Miles
Own or rent?
Buck
Rent.
Miles
What do you do for a living?
Buck
Lots of things.
Miles
Where's your office?
Buck
I don't have one.
Miles
How come?
Buck
I don't need one.
Miles
Where's your wife?
Buck
Don't have one.
Miles
How come?
Buck
It's a long story.
Miles
You have kids?
Buck
No I don't.
Miles
How come?
Buck
It's an even longer story.
Miles
Are you my dad's brother?
Buck
What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles
38.
Buck
I'm your dad's brother all right.
Miles
You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
Buck
How nice of you to notice.
Miles
I'm a kid, that's my job.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.