12 quotes
Caution Against Sudden Movements with Scissors
Zohan
You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Importance of Communication Before Action
Zohan
It's nice to have a little talk before the Bang-Boom.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing the Outdoors and Its Freedom
Zohan
I like this, being inside the outside.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Feet Uppercut Humor in Zohan Dialogue
Zohan
You like to insult people?
[to executive; kick-punches him]
Executive
Was that your feet?
[gets kicked again]
Zohan
Yes, it was the feet. The feet uppercut!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Coffee Request During High-Speed Ride
Businessman
Listen, I am really late for a hotel opening downtown, the Wallbridge hotel.
Zohan
I understand sir. I know the neighborhood inside and backwards. We will not let them stop us.
Businessman
What?
Zohan
(Whilst screeching the limo round a corner on two wheels) You want some coffee back there?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings between Cultures and Identities
Palestinian immigrant
People hate us. They think we're terrorists.
Israeli immigrant
People hate us, too. They think we're you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Silky-Smooth Hair
Zohan
I just want to make hair silky-smooth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen: Food for Heroes
Phantom (commercial)
Everybody's running to Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen! for the food that heroes eat. Kubeh, sambousek, delicious Muchentuchen! You never know who you meet! You are going to get spoiled. ALLAH!!!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Zohan's Appreciation for Hair and Peacefulness
Zohan
I like hair. It's pleasant. It's peaceful. No one gets hurt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Response to a Compliment
Michael
Whoa, what are you, bionic?
Zohan
No, no, no, I only like the girls. Thanks anyways.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A humorous approach to nightlife and relationships
Zohan
I bang your mother one more time, then we go disco.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication at the Counter
Clerk
So, how can I help you gentlemen?
Salim
We wants lee-khwa-heed kny-troha-gesawin!
[takes out paper from pocket and reads]
Clerk
I beg your pardon? Uh, I think I have some over here There you go. This is the large container.
[Salim repeats the words; places a box of Neosporin in front of them]
Salim
This work?
Clerk
Yes, it works fine.
Salim
You use?
Oli
Ballsack.
Clerk
Yes, from time to time. Sure!
Salim
We take twelve!
[smiling at his friends and then whispering to the clerk]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.