Zoolander (2001) - Quotes

Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu: [interrupting Maury; To the Malaysian Prime Minister; Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Derek Zoolander: [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp] One look? One look?! I don't think so!

Hansel: There it is!

Todd: MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!

Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu: [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop] Dear God...it's beautiful!

J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.

Matilda: Okay, that is impossible.

J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?

Derek Zoolander: Mugatu?

J.P. Prewitt: [[w:United States embargo against Cuba|trade embargo on Cuba; [w:Sansabelt|Sansabelt] Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a ], ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured ] slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.

Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!

J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

Derek Zoolander: Who's winning the match?

Larry Zoolander: State.

Derek Zoolander: [coughs] I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well-ventilated down there.

Larry Zoolander: [Luke and Scrappy look at each other] For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.

Derek Zoolander: [He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh] Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Larry Zoolander: Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?

Derek Zoolander: [Gets up and looks at his father] I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.

Larry Zoolander: With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough; Derek leaves. He goes outside and looks up at the stars] Mer-man. Mer-MAN! Who am I?

Derek Zoolander: What are they doing?

Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!

Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues?

Derek Zoolander: What?

Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!

Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?

Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!

Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!

Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?

Derek Zoolander: [smashes the model for the reading center] What is this? A center for ants?

Mugatu: What?

Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.

Matilda: I became...

Hansel: What?

Matilda: Bulimic.

Zoolander: You can read minds?

Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.

Steve Kmetko: Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Jacobim Mugatu: Do as you've trained to do... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Jacobim Mugatu: He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!

Jacobim Mugatu: Obey my dog!

Jacobim Mugatu: ['''Todd''': [nervously, as the latte is thrown at him] Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!? M-my mistake, Jacobim!]

Jacobim Mugatu: [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Jacobim Mugatu: It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!

Jacobim Mugatu: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

Hansel McDonald: I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life. I grip it, and I rip it. I live with a lot of flair. I live it on the edge, where I gotta be. I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years. I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Derek Zoolander: Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?

Derek Zoolander: Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!

Derek Zoolander: At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?