Zoolander Quotes

Jacobim Mugatu He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!

Jacobim Mugatu Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!? M-my mistake, Jacobim!]

Jacobim Mugatu Do as you've trained to do... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Jacobim Mugatu Obey my dog!

Derek Zoolander Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?

Steve Kmetko Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Derek Zoolander At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Jacobim Mugatu Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Jacobim Mugatu Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

Derek Zoolander Who's winning the match?

Larry Zoolander State.

Derek Zoolander I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well-ventilated down there.

Larry Zoolander For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.

Derek Zoolander Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Larry Zoolander Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?

Derek Zoolander I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.

Larry Zoolander With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander Mer-man. Mer-MAN! Who am I?

Derek Zoolander Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!

Hansel McDonald I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life. I grip it, and I rip it. I live with a lot of flair. I live it on the edge, where I gotta be. I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years. I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Derek Zoolander What is this? A center for ants?

Mugatu What?

Derek Zoolander How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Mugatu He's absolutely right you know.

Derek Zoolander What are they doing?

Derek Zoolander Guys, NO!

Olaf Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel Thanks, Olaf.

Derek Zoolander Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?

J.P. Prewitt The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.

Matilda Okay, that is impossible.

J.P. Prewitt Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?

Derek Zoolander Mugatu?

J.P. Prewitt Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a ], ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured ] slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.

Matilda Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!

J.P. Prewitt You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

Jacobim Mugatu It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!

Brint You know what would help you sort through these important issues?

Derek Zoolander What?

Brint, Meekus, and Rufus ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!

Derek Zoolander Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Maury For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Derek Zoolander One look? One look?! I don't think so!

Hansel There it is!

Todd MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander Holy moley!

Maury Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu Dear God...it's beautiful!

Brint Or the way Hansel combs his hair?

Meekus Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!

Brint I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!

Meekus Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!

Brint I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus Uh, Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander Would you guys stop it already?

Matilda I became...

Hansel What?

Matilda Bulimic.

Zoolander You can read minds?