Adam SandlerQuotes

Billy Madison: [after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly; the penguin waves at him; turns to Veronica] Oh. I see what's going on in here. So sorry to interrupt! Proceed!

Billy Madison: [drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!

Billy Madison: [to the female high-school classmate; laughs] No, I will not make out with you! Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!

Billy Madison: Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?

Billy Madison: [after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!

Billy Madison: You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!

Billy Madison: JUST DO IT!!

Billy Madison: [to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding; the little kid smiles and nods; the little kid smiles and shakes his head; the kid keeps smiling and nods] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? You know how badly I could beat you, right?

Billy Madison: [at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!

Billy Madison: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: You got a pet. You got a responsibility. If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!

Billy Madison: [singing; the bus approaches; but the bus drives right passed him] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. Well, here goes nothin'.

Billy Madison: [about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?

Billy Madison: He said "poop"!

Billy Madison: Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?

Billy Madison: [waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking; waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect; waves the shampoo bottle; waves the conditioner bottle; then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool?! Really! Stop lookin at me, swan!

Billy Madison: All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.

Billy Madison: It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.

Billy Madison: [first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool; makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! Smiley!

George Simmons: [[Die Hard (film)|Die Hard] Are you mad that you died at the end of ]?

George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?

Townie: You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!

Chief Wilson: Marvin, do you worship the Dark Lord.

Miles: If you don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm black, you just let me know.

Gay flight attendant: [noticing Marvin sniffing a drug suspect's butt] I hope he's on our flight.

Mob Member: I don't want to be part of a mob to kill a black dude!

Off-screen voice: THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

Nicky: [''deleted scene; he grabs the microphone at the stadium''; the crowd is silent; the crowd roars in joy]   I get one more shot. The ref can cover me. If I miss it, the Globetrotters have to forfeit. But if I make it, this guy doesn't ref the second half and we all start conducting ourselves as decent human beings again. And we get free pizza!

Nicky: [''deleted scene; about the flask'']   It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.

Nicky: [''to a crowd of people, in a high voice'']   I will eat your heart.

Nicky: [[George Clooney] The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let's face facts, I'm no ].

Nicky: Get in the flask!

Nicky: [''after being killed by a bus'']   From now on, I'm just going to try to avoid all moving metal objects.

Nicky: Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome!

Nicky: I never been to Earth, Dad!  I never even slept over some other dude's house!

Nicky: Release the good.  Release the awesome!

Nicky: But those are my roommate's sodas!

Nicky: [[evil] Release the ]!

Nicky: I'm sleeping, or am I?

Howard Ratner: [weeping] Everything I do is not goin right! Everything I do is not goin right! I don't know what to do, I really don't.

Howard Ratner: I made a crazy risk. You gamble and it's about to pay off.

Howard Ratner: I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What is that? I thought we were the chosen people.

Howard Ratner: This is me! This is how I win.

Skeeter Bronson: [looking at Bugsy's (guinea pig) eyes] DAAAAAAAAAAH! Wow! Those would look big on a cow! Are those eyeballs or bowling balls? Need to keep my eyes off him, goodbye.

Skeeter Bronson: There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you guys learn that, the better.

Skeeter Bronson: [talking on the phone from the next room; enters the room] EMERGENCY! They don't have a TV.

Skeeter Bronson: Gotta babysit my niece and nephew tonight. Oh God. Got any advice for me?

Skeeter Bronson: The Big Hotel Idea Story!

Skeeter Bronson: [Barry Nottingham doesn't want to hug Skeeter because of germs] Let's get past that. OK. Oh, see? Look, your enjoying it. We're hugging, and nothing's happening.

Skeeter Bronson: I'll have me win in the story, so I'll win for real. Do ya dig?

Skeeter Bronson: Lucky my wallet only had three dollars, and my Derek Jeter baseball card!

Skeeter Bronson: [Skeeter sings to the staff; Skeeter stops singing] Barry had a Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Barry had a Nottingham whose beard was white as snow. C'mon, give it up for the big man.

Skeeter Bronson: [Reffering to Bugsy on his head] What the heck is on my head right now?

John Ammer: Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo, is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us to- Michael.

Michael Newman: Sorry I'm late, sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot, so-

Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini.

Michael: Ehh, red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

Prince Habeeboo: Is this one of your partners?

John Ammer: Actually, Michael is just an associate. But he is one of our brightest young architects.

Michael: Thank you.

John Ammer: Walk His Majesty through our design concept.

Michael: With pleasure. Prince Haboobee...

Prince Habeeboo: Habeeboo! Prince Habeeboo.

Michael: [unveils a scale model of the planned restaurant interior] Habeeboo. I thought I said that. When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are- a visionary who prides himself on originality- I said to myself, "Let's smash the mould and redefine elegance." So I present to you your restaurant.

Prince Habeeboo: Where is...? Where is bar?

Michael: Bar is... Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall...

Prince Habeeboo: Make bar longer.

Michael: Okay. We could cut into the atrium a little bit.

Prince Habeeboo: No atrium. Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo.

Michael Newman: [Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time; loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall] You bastard.

Michael Newman: [having seen that what happened was just a dream, he makes amends with his family and prepares for their Fourth of July vacation, but sees the remote in the kitchen and reads an attached letter; disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear] Like I said, "Good guys need a break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy. Okay, Morty.

Michael Newman: [after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father] You're pathetic.

Michael Newman: [tinkers with the remote while looking at the rearview mirror; changes his skin color to yellow; picks green; to purple; spoof [[Barney & Friends|Barney] You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that. You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. Raaaahrrr! Oh, there's Barney. ] theme] I love you, you love me. The jogger had giant boobies.

John Clasky: I know I know we can't do anything, that brings a kind of satisfaction and release, BUT I'M STILL HAVING A GREAT TIME!

John Clasky: They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.

John Clasky: [Victor: Huh?] Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood.

John Clasky: Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts.

Coach Klein: Is there any sport that you do watch? You know, a physical sport? Boxing? Hockey?

Bobby Boucher: I-wrestling.

Coach Klein: Wrestling! Wrestling is good. Who's your favorite wrestler?

Bobby Boucher: Well, even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently, I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano.

Coach Klein: kay, okay, I want you to do to Casey...what Captain Insano does to the bad guy. Go.

Casey: He poked me in the eye!

Bobby Boucher: Captain Insano shows no mercy.

Coach Klein: Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for me? Every single game, can you do this?

Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for ya, I...I...I...yes, yes, I'll do it for ya.

Sonny Koufax: [drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.

Sonny Koufax: The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!

Sonny Koufax: I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.

Sonny Koufax: Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking.

Sonny Koufax: Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?

Robbie Hart: [singing] You don't know how much I need you. While you're near me, I don't feel blue and when we kiss I know you need me too. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. It was a goddamn joke and when I think of you, Linda,I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please! Kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad!

Robbie Hart: [to Linda] Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Barry Egan: I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

Barry Egan: I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say "That's that", Mattress Man.

Barry Egan: I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.

Barry Egan: Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And, and I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?

Barry Egan: I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that before I beat the Hell from you.

Henry Roth: Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.

Henry Roth: Sorry I'm not better lookin’.

Henry Roth: I have no life.

Henry Roth: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

Dave Buznik: What about the Air Marshall who tasered me? Was he in on it?

Linda: No, he was just having a bad day.

Air Marshall: Son of a bitch!

Dr Buddy Rydell: [watching a movie, laughing; continues laughing] OH, HEY! I'M WETTIN MY JOCKIES HERE! You gotta get a load of this, keed. I mean, you like comedies? Huh?

Dave Buznik: Yeah, I just haven't been getting much sleep lately and I'd like to get some.

Dr Buddy Rydell: [pause, watches movie] Oh, hey, hey. Take a look at this actress here. What is your position on, uh, breast implants?

Dave Busnik: [to flight attendant] You know, I could just watch the movie with ya. Excuse me, could I get a headset?

Flight Attendant: Certainly.

Dave Buznik: Oh my goodness, Bobby Knight. You're in this class also?

Bobby Knight: Yeah its my first day.

Dave Buznik: Working on the anger problem?

Bobby Knight: Anger? Isn't this sexaholics anonymous?

Dave Buznik: Oo, noo.. I think that's down the hall...

Bobby Knight: [Throws down his book in anger] Well, to hell with this! I'm goin home!

Dave Buznik: So when I get out of prison in the next 2-5 years, I expect you to do the right thing and give me the promotion that Andrew resigned from.

Dave Buznik: Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin Buddy, I am not a cheater.

Dave Buznik: I'm feeling very angry right now, because I have only one bed and no couch.

Dave Buznik: Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine!

Dave Buznik: I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and my... last name! That's all I want.

Dave Buznik: I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe.

Dave Buznik: Look everybody, Pana Banana's got a heinie! He's got a heinie!

Dave Buznik: Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?

Dave Buznik: [singing] I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. Oh so pretty and whitty and... gay.

Paul Crewe: [team puts hands together with him] Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I did throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Okay, thank you. Who are we?

Mean Machine Players: [takes the field] MEAN MACHINE!!!

Turley: I'm glad you are back. Now I don't have to stab you.

Nate Scarborough: Did it rain last night?

Skitchy: Not a drop.

Paul Crewe: [Under his breath; Faces team] Son of a bitch. Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick, degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game.

Nate Scarborough: Did he say "win"?

Paul: So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.

Deacon: This better be on the up and up.

Paul Crewe: I guarantee it.

Deacon: [shakes Crewe's hand] Then let's do this shit.

Earl Meggett: [team laughs] There goes the neighborhood.

Inmate: Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.

Cheeseburger Eddy: [Crewe shrugs head] I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... I just got burgers.

Paul Crewe: I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.

Deacon: The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.

Cheeseburger Eddy: [makes a robot dance as his friends laugh] Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.

Caretaker: That's a big-ass robot.

Paul: Yeah.

Battle: Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?

Nate Scarborough: Full contact.

Battle: Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

Caretaker: Yup.

Battle: So I get to...tackle him?

Paul Crewe: [Pointing to Battle's crotch.] Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.

Battle: [Grins] I want to hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker: [To Crewe] Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.

Paul: Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Nate Scarborough: [accessing main computer] Hazen has a rating system for every con.

Paul Crewe: [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file] What's three stars?

Nate: The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.

Skitchy: Five stars is the max.

Caretaker: I didn't know that.

Skitchy: Yeah.

Caretaker: [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating] Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.

Paul: Wow.

Caretaker: Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.

Paul: You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.

Caretaker: Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.

Paul: Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.

Skitchy: [overhears] Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.

Roxanne Feder: Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?

Frat Boy Milo: [mocking Roxanne; frat boys laugh, speaking in normal accent; all frat boys yell "Yeah!"] I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!

Braden Higgins: They didn't do it. Me do it.

Frat Boy Milo: Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!

Lenny Feder: Who's Z-Dog?

Frat Boy Andy: We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.

Deanne McKenzie: Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.

Frat Boy Andy: [all frat boys cheer, Andy and Milo do their handshake, but stop in the middle] Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.

Frat Boy Milo: You promise?

Frat Boy Andy: [touching Milo's cheek] I promise.

Frat Boy Milo: Okay.

Dickey Bailey: [looks at Lenny, who nods of approval, Dickey raises his beer, and takes a drink] Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.

Frat Boy Milo: [frat boys cheer, Milo turns around and bends over, and Andy slaps his butt three times] Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!

Lenny Feder: Fellas, we may be old.

Marcus Higgins: We may be smelly.

Deanne McKenzie: [she, Roxanne, and a drunk woman point at Beefcake Kitty] We may have a penis.

Eric Lamonsoff: But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.

Kurt McKenzie: [everyone starts fighting] You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!

Keith Feder: Tell her it wasn't you talking, Dad. It was your flabby ass.

Lenny Feder: [Keith looks at him shocked] You want me to "accidentally" break the other leg?

Lenny Feder: Mommy was nice enough to prepare her famous Chicken a la Food Poisoning, which we're all excited to eat.

Malcolm: Well, well, well, if it isn't Hollywood and the squares.

Lenny Feder: Hey, Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at K-Mart, and apparently, the hair on the top of your head didn't know it either.

Malcolm: Whaat?

Becky Feder: Will I have boobies like Mommy's?

Lenny Feder: I don't ever want you to have those.

Lenny Feder: [turns to Roxanne, sleeping, and whispers] Honey, go over to the window and open it as wide as you can.

Roxanne: [whimpers and rolls over] Please let me sleep.

Lenny Feder: I think your mother's here from Mexico and she needs to leave. Open the window, now.

Roxanne: Why don't you do it you-Ahhhhhhhh!

Roxanne: Close your mouth!

Officer Fluzoo: What's up with the school bus?

Lenny Feder: (nervous) Okay...I stole it.

Officer Fluzoo: [The five friends put their hands in the air, but Fluzoo begins dancing and sings] Put your hands in the air. And wave em like you just don't care. Say HO!

All: OH!

Officer Fluzoo: Say HO!

All: OH!

Lenny Feder: Riding your bike to school in the morning, you couldn't do that in L.A.

Keithie Feder: Yeah, thank God there's nothing crazy ever happens around here.