Memorable Quotes from Adam Sandler
100 quotesAvoiding Moving Metal Objects
Nicky
From now on, I'm just going to try to avoid all moving metal objects.
[''after being killed by a bus'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenges of Parenting Revealed
Sonny Koufax
Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking.
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Call for Release
Nicky
Release the ]!
[[evil]
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Comedy and Conversations on a Flight
Dr Buddy Rydell
OH, HEY! I'M WETTIN MY JOCKIES HERE! You gotta get a load of this, keed. I mean, you like comedies? Huh?
[watching a movie, laughing; continues laughing]
Dave Buznik
Yeah, I just haven't been getting much sleep lately and I'd like to get some.
Dr Buddy Rydell
Oh, hey, hey. Take a look at this actress here. What is your position on, uh, breast implants?
[pause, watches movie]
Dave Busnik
You know, I could just watch the movie with ya. Excuse me, could I get a headset?
[to flight attendant]
Flight Attendant
Certainly.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Identity and the Drive to Succeed
Howard Ratner
This is me! This is how I win.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Penguin Discomfort in Extreme Heat
Billy Madison
It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding About Luxury Cars in Manhattan
John Ammer
Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo, is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us to- Michael.
Michael Newman
Sorry I'm late, sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot, so-
Prince Habeeboo
Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini.
Michael
Ehh, red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.
Prince Habeeboo
Is this one of your partners?
John Ammer
Actually, Michael is just an associate. But he is one of our brightest young architects.
Michael
Thank you.
John Ammer
Walk His Majesty through our design concept.
Michael
With pleasure. Prince Haboobee...
Prince Habeeboo
Habeeboo! Prince Habeeboo.
Michael
Habeeboo. I thought I said that. When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are- a visionary who prides himself on originality- I said to myself, "Let's smash the mould and redefine elegance." So I present to you your restaurant.
[unveils a scale model of the planned restaurant interior]
Prince Habeeboo
Where is...? Where is bar?
Michael
Bar is... Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall...
Prince Habeeboo
Make bar longer.
Michael
Okay. We could cut into the atrium a little bit.
Prince Habeeboo
No atrium. Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nicky's Reflection on Appearance and Identity
Nicky
The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let's face facts, I'm no ].
[[George Clooney]
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Questioning Identity and Suffering
Howard Ratner
I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What is that? I thought we were the chosen people.
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Desire for Snack Pack Satisfaction
Billy Madison
You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Respectful Treatment at the Zoo
Billy Madison
All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.
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A Plea for Redemption and Connection
Barry Egan
Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And, and I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Fresh Air
Lenny Feder
Honey, go over to the window and open it as wide as you can.
[turns to Roxanne, sleeping, and whispers]
Roxanne
Please let me sleep.
[whimpers and rolls over]
Lenny Feder
I think your mother's here from Mexico and she needs to leave. Open the window, now.
Roxanne
Why don't you do it you-Ahhhhhhhh!
Roxanne
Close your mouth!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Concern About Growing Up
Becky Feder
Will I have boobies like Mommy's?
Lenny Feder
I don't ever want you to have those.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misinterpreting Nature's Caregiving Dynamics
Mfana
Look, children. The bush pig has lost its parents so it is being cared for by Mama and Papa Lion. Even in nature,
Jim
That's nice.
Eddy
That's sweet.
Mfana
I may have misread that situation.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Communication Methods
John Clasky
Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood.
[Victor: Huh?]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Benefits of Suntan Lotion
Billy Madison
Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! Smiley!
[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool; makes a smiley face with his sunblock]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Consequences in Billy Madison
Billy Madison
Now you're all in big, big trouble!
[at the dodgeball period]
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Nicky's Command to Enter the Flask
Nicky
Get in the flask!
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Inconvenient Excuses for Awkward Situations
Dave Buznik
Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on Chlorophyll
Billy Madison
Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
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Misunderstandings and Bad Days in Anger Management
Dave Buznik
What about the Air Marshall who tasered me? Was he in on it?
Linda
No, he was just having a bad day.
Air Marshall
Son of a bitch!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection on Friendship and Marriage
Charlie Fineman
You're a good husband Alan. You remind me of me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Reality and Consciousness
Nicky
I'm sleeping, or am I?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with Overwhelming Uncertainty and Frustration
Howard Ratner
Everything I do is not goin right! Everything I do is not goin right! I don't know what to do, I really don't.
[weeping]
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Frustration Over Limited Sleeping Arrangements
Dave Buznik
I'm feeling very angry right now, because I have only one bed and no couch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frugality in Everyday Life
Sonny Koufax
Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.
[drops a can in a supermarket]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Moment of Harsh Realization
Michael Newman
You're pathetic.
[after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Family and Legacy
Dave Buznik
I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and my... last name! That's all I want.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and Misattributions in Daily Life
Barry Egan
I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shampoo vs. Conditioner Debate in Billy Madison
Billy Madison
Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool?! Really! Stop lookin at me, swan!
[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking; waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect; waves the shampoo bottle; waves the conditioner bottle; then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Moment In Billy Madison
Billy Madison
He said "poop"!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pool Cleaning and Dolphin Safety Considerations
Henry Roth
Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Real Football Challenge Against the Guards
Battle
Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?
Nate Scarborough
Full contact.
Battle
Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
Caretaker
Yup.
Battle
So I get to...tackle him?
Paul Crewe
Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.
[Pointing to Battle's crotch.]
Battle
I want to hurt him, not kill him.
[Grins]
Caretaker
Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.
[To Crewe]
Paul
Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inmate Rating System Explained
Nate Scarborough
Hazen has a rating system for every con.
[accessing main computer]
Paul Crewe
What's three stars?
[sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file]
Nate
The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
Skitchy
Five stars is the max.
Caretaker
I didn't know that.
Skitchy
Yeah.
Caretaker
Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.
[Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating]
Paul
Wow.
Caretaker
Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
Paul
You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
Caretaker
Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
Paul
Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
Skitchy
Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.
[overhears]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Finding Joy Amidst Limitations
John Clasky
I know I know we can't do anything, that brings a kind of satisfaction and release, BUT I'M STILL HAVING A GREAT TIME!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Appreciation for an Iconic Album Cover
Charlie Fineman
Ahh ] — Songs For Beginners. Just... just the album cover alone, look at that face, he knows he made a great record.
[picking up a vinyl record; [w:Graham Nash|Graham Nash]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Father's Decision and Influence
Billy Madison
Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
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Confronting Unwanted Opinions in Conversations
Billy Madison
Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
[about Eric]
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Self-Deprecation in Romantic Context
Henry Roth
Sorry I'm not better lookin’.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding in Anger Management Class
Dave Buznik
Oh my goodness, Bobby Knight. You're in this class also?
Bobby Knight
Yeah its my first day.
Dave Buznik
Working on the anger problem?
Bobby Knight
Anger? Isn't this sexaholics anonymous?
Dave Buznik
Oo, noo.. I think that's down the hall...
Bobby Knight
Well, to hell with this! I'm goin home!
[Throws down his book in anger]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Band Loyalty and Relationship Breakdown
Robbie Hart
Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
[to Linda]
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Confusion About Normalcy in Personal Perception
Barry Egan
I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.
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Feeling of Isolation Amidst Others' Connection
Charlie Fineman
I have no one. At least you two have each other.
[Charlie kisses Ginger Timplemen, his mother-in-law, on her cheek and walks away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Qualifications and Distractions
Charlie Fineman
Are you kidding me? She's a baby.
Alan Johnson
Listen, you're right, she's young. But, she-she's good. She's got a lot of experience with loss and grief counseling. Just...
Charlie Fineman
She's got nice tits, that's not good.
Alan Johnson
Since when?
Charlie Fineman
Good point.
[pause]
Alan Johnson
Look, we'll just do the meet-and-greet, and see if you like her, and if you do, we'll just - we'll go from there.
Charlie Fineman
Am I wrong about her tits, though?
Alan Johnson
No, you're right. They're wonderful.
Angela Oakhurst
So what are you guys talking about? What's so wonderful?
[silence from Charlie and Alan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commitment to Team Expectations
Coach Klein
Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for me? Every single game, can you do this?
Bobby Boucher
Coach, not only will I do it for ya, I...I...I...yes, yes, I'll do it for ya.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Winning in Stories Reflects Real Life
Skeeter Bronson
I'll have me win in the story, so I'll win for real. Do ya dig?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on a Family Meal
Lenny Feder
Mommy was nice enough to prepare her famous Chicken a la Food Poisoning, which we're all excited to eat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Complications in Parenting Plans
Sonny Koufax
I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversations About Personal Loss
Lauren
You know, I'm curious. With so many possible reasons... which one's the one your wife left you for?
Jim
Cancer.
Lauren
I'm sorry. I... naturally just assumed you were divorced.
[awkward pause]
Jim
It's OK. I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, so we're even.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nicky's Claim on Roommate's Sodas
Nicky
But those are my roommate's sodas!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sonny Questions Vanessa's Job at Hooters
Sonny Koufax
Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?
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Flirting and Cheating: A Distinction Explained
Dave Buznik
Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin Buddy, I am not a cheater.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange Between Friends
Malcolm
Well, well, well, if it isn't Hollywood and the squares.
Lenny Feder
Hey, Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at K-Mart, and apparently, the hair on the top of your head didn't know it either.
Malcolm
Whaat?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Situation: Lack of Television Access
Skeeter Bronson
EMERGENCY! They don't have a TV.
[talking on the phone from the next room; enters the room]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace positivity and unleash greatness
Nicky
Release the good. Release the awesome!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inner Strength and Love Empowerment
Barry Egan
I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say "That's that", Mattress Man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perceptions of Beauty and Its Consequences
Charlie Fineman
Nobody has a right to look that good. She's just trouble for everybody.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Threat of Heart Consumption
Nicky
I will eat your heart.
[''to a crowd of people, in a high voice'']
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Memories of Family and Love
Charlie Fineman
I had three daughters.
[Charlie looks at Alan]
Alan Johnson
I... I know.
[surprised]
Charlie Fineman
Geena was five. Jenny was seven, she, uh... she liked boys already. Julie was 9. She was... she was older. They all looked alike, Johnson. Like Doreen. Doreen was my wife. DT. That was her nickname. Doreen Timpleman. She had a dog, Spider. Spider... the poodle. They'd wake me up all the time, Saturday mornings, you know, singing Beatles songs to me in harmony, the four of them... so cute, so cute. Doreen never judged me... never nagged like some wives do. Wanted me to take my shoes off so I didn't wreck the carpet. That's it. Doreen and the girls were VERY female. I... I... I was the oddball, you know. Mr. Man. They adored me, Johnson...
Alan Johnson
I bet they did... I know they did, Charlie.
Charlie Fineman
With the long brown hair... except little Geena. She kept the hair short... to be different from everybody... she, um, she had a birthmark, though. Looked like a burn... but it wasn't. She always said it was gonna go away, but it... it never did. Jenny, Jenny, this one... she wanted to be a gymnast. She was such a klutz, though. I didn't have the heart to mention it as a problem. They, uh, went to see Doreen's sister Ellen and her girls in Boston, and they took Spider, because... I had to work and they didn't trust me to feed her, but that was a joke. We were all going to DT's little cousin's wedding in Los Angeles, and I was gonna meet them out there... The kids wanted to go to Disneyland, but they... they uh, were already gonna miss a couple days of school, so we had to say no. You know. So I'm going out to meet them in Los Angeles, and on the way to JFK, I'm in a taxicab and I hear on the radio...
[slowly starts to cry]
Charlie Fineman
I get there and the man tells me the plane's from Boston... another man tells me there's two planes.
[sobs]
Charlie Fineman
Then I go inside the airport and I'm watching. I'm watching on the television... and I... and I... I... I saw it. I saw it and I felt it at the same time. I thought about Geena's birthmark, and I... I felt them burning...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nicky's Inexperience with Earthly Life
Nicky
I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept over some other dude's house!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Moments of Connection and Enjoyment
Skeeter Bronson
Let's get past that. OK. Oh, see? Look, your enjoying it. We're hugging, and nothing's happening.
[Barry Nottingham doesn't want to hug Skeeter because of germs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bobby's Favorite Wrestler Revealed
Coach Klein
Is there any sport that you do watch? You know, a physical sport? Boxing? Hockey?
Bobby Boucher
I-wrestling.
Coach Klein
Wrestling! Wrestling is good. Who's your favorite wrestler?
Bobby Boucher
Well, even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently, I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano.
Coach Klein
kay, okay, I want you to do to Casey...what Captain Insano does to the bad guy. Go.
Casey
He poked me in the eye!
Bobby Boucher
Captain Insano shows no mercy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Take on Personal Boundaries
Dave Buznik
I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Trust and Neighborhood Changes in The Longest Yard
Deacon
This better be on the up and up.
Paul Crewe
I guarantee it.
Deacon
Then let's do this shit.
[shakes Crewe's hand]
Earl Meggett
There goes the neighborhood.
[team laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skeeter's Surprising Observation About Size
Skeeter Bronson
DAAAAAAAAAAH! Wow! Those would look big on a cow! Are those eyeballs or bowling balls? Need to keep my eyes off him, goodbye.
[looking at Bugsy's (guinea pig) eyes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Snack Pack Trade Proposal
Billy Madison
I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? You know how badly I could beat you, right?
[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding; the little kid smiles and nods; the little kid smiles and shakes his head; the kid keeps smiling and nods]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Events During a Long Drive
Dave Buznik
Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Stolen School Bus Incident with Officer Fluzoo
Officer Fluzoo
What's up with the school bus?
Lenny Feder
(nervous) Okay...I stole it.
Officer Fluzoo
Put your hands in the air. And wave em like you just don't care. Say HO!
[The five friends put their hands in the air, but Fluzoo begins dancing and sings]
All
OH!
Officer Fluzoo
Say HO!
All
OH!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Admiring Extraordinary Beauty in a Unique Way
John Clasky
They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Permission to Go Out
Charlie Fineman
Can he go out? Is he allowed out?
Alan Johnson
Don't do that, dont ask my wife permisson for me to go out.
Charlie Fineman
Alright, you're right. Can you go out?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expressions of Joy and Self-Affirmation
Dave Buznik
I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. Oh so pretty and whitty and... gay.
[singing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Distraction: A Focus on Learning
Billy Madison
No, I will not make out with you! Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
[to the female high-school classmate; laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Sanity of Worrying About Children
John Clasky
Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts.
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Facing the Past and Uniting for Change
Paul Crewe
Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I did throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Okay, thank you. Who are we?
[team puts hands together with him]
Mean Machine Players
MEAN MACHINE!!!
[takes the field]
Turley
I'm glad you are back. Now I don't have to stab you.
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Skeeter's Surprising Head Discovery
Skeeter Bronson
What the heck is on my head right now?
[Reffering to Bugsy on his head]
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A Chance for Redemption and Free Pizza
Nicky
I get one more shot. The ref can cover me. If I miss it, the Globetrotters have to forfeit. But if I make it, this guy doesn't ref the second half and we all start conducting ourselves as decent human beings again. And we get free pizza!
[''deleted scene; he grabs the microphone at the stadium''; the crowd is silent; the crowd roars in joy]
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Conflict in Innocence
Barry Egan
I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that before I beat the Hell from you.
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Frat House Tensions Escalate Among Characters
Roxanne Feder
Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?
Frat Boy Milo
I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!
[mocking Roxanne; frat boys laugh, speaking in normal accent; all frat boys yell "Yeah!"]
Braden Higgins
They didn't do it. Me do it.
Frat Boy Milo
Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!
Lenny Feder
Who's Z-Dog?
Frat Boy Andy
We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.
Deanne McKenzie
Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.
Frat Boy Andy
Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.
[all frat boys cheer, Andy and Milo do their handshake, but stop in the middle]
Frat Boy Milo
You promise?
Frat Boy Andy
I promise.
[touching Milo's cheek]
Frat Boy Milo
Okay.
Dickey Bailey
Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.
[looks at Lenny, who nods of approval, Dickey raises his beer, and takes a drink]
Frat Boy Milo
Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!
[frat boys cheer, Milo turns around and bends over, and Andy slaps his butt three times]
Lenny Feder
Fellas, we may be old.
Marcus Higgins
We may be smelly.
Deanne McKenzie
We may have a penis.
[she, Roxanne, and a drunk woman point at Beefcake Kitty]
Eric Lamonsoff
But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.
Kurt McKenzie
You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!
[everyone starts fighting]
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The Big Hotel Idea Explained
Skeeter Bronson
The Big Hotel Idea Story!
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Expression of Frustration
Michael Newman
You bastard.
[Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time; loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]
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Unintentional Disruption in a Conversation
Billy Madison
Oh. I see what's going on in here. So sorry to interrupt! Proceed!
[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly; the penguin waves at him; turns to Veronica]
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Navigating Language and Sensitivity in Friendship
Charlie Fineman
Are you a faggot?.
Alan Johnson
Don't say faggot, you just don't call people faggot that's rude.
Charlie Fineman
To a gay guy it is, to you it's just a funny word like poundcake or pickle... You really need some Mel.
Charlie Fineman
Take one adult and one faggot.
[ordering tickets]
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Humorous Exchange About Physical Attributes
Keith Feder
Tell her it wasn't you talking, Dad. It was your flabby ass.
Lenny Feder
You want me to "accidentally" break the other leg?
[Keith looks at him shocked]
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Skeeter Bronson Celebrates Barry's Nottingham Story
Skeeter Bronson
Barry had a Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Barry had a Nottingham whose beard was white as snow. C'mon, give it up for the big man.
[Skeeter sings to the staff; Skeeter stops singing]
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Consequence of Poor Decisions
Billy Madison
YOU BLEW IT!!
[after Ernie hangs up the phone]
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Expecting a Promotion After Prison Time
Dave Buznik
So when I get out of prison in the next 2-5 years, I expect you to do the right thing and give me the promotion that Andrew resigned from.
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Humorous Remarks from Michael Newman
Michael Newman
You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that. You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. Raaaahrrr! Oh, there's Barney. ] theme] I love you, you love me. The jogger had giant boobies.
[tinkers with the remote while looking at the rearview mirror; changes his skin color to yellow; picks green; to purple; spoof [[Barney & Friends|Barney]
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Seeking Babysitting Advice for Niece and Nephew
Skeeter Bronson
Gotta babysit my niece and nephew tonight. Oh God. Got any advice for me?
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Critique of Therapist's Behavior
Charlie Fineman
Oh, bullshit! You stink like a shrink. You got shrink hands. You ordered your salad like a shrink.
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Determination Amidst Adversity on the Field
Nate Scarborough
Did it rain last night?
Skitchy
Not a drop.
Paul Crewe
Son of a bitch. Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick, degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game.
[Under his breath; Faces team]
Nate Scarborough
Did he say "win"?
Paul
So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.
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The Reality of Happy Endings
Skeeter Bronson
There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you guys learn that, the better.
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The Thrill of Taking Risks
Howard Ratner
I made a crazy risk. You gamble and it's about to pay off.
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Returning to School with Determination
Billy Madison
Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. Well, here goes nothin'.
[singing; the bus approaches; but the bus drives right passed him]
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Encouragement to Take Action
Billy Madison
JUST DO IT!!
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Unexpected Encounters and Playful Banter
Lenny Feder
Hey, you showed up.
Frat Guy
Where do you work out, Cinnabon?
Lenny Feder
What were you raised by, ninjas?
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Navigating Life Without Unwanted Experiences
Jim
You know what? Hooters is too good for you. I'd never bring you there again.
Lauren
Oh, well, then I guess I'll just have to learn to get through life without Hooters.
Jim
You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far!
Lauren
That doesn't make any sense.
[looks at her breasts]
Jim
No they... I didn't realize they were that big.
[points at Lauren's breasts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nicky's Enthusiasm for Popeyes Chicken
Nicky
Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome!
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Haunting Memories of Loss and Grief
Charlie Fineman
I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures... cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her... on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face... clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you. I get that you're in pain, but you got each other. You got each other! And I'm the one who's gotta see her and the girls all the time. Everywhere I go! I even see the dog. That's how fucked up I still am! I look at a German shepherd, I see our goddamn poodle. All right... All right...
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A Reflection on Life's Meaninglessness
Henry Roth
I have no life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.