Dustin HoffmanQuotes

Bernard Jaffe: The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.

Bernard Jaffe: Your mind is always occupied on something...so it may as well be something helpful, like Mrs. Shermer, or the blanket.

Bernard Jaffe: No time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?

Bernard Jaffe: Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!

Bernard Jaffe: There is no remainder in the mathematics of Infinity.

Bernard Jaffe: There's no such thing as nothing. nnn

Bernard Jaffe: There is no such thing as you or me,

Bernard Jaffe: When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.

Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.

Jack Byrnes: What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?

Roz Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?!

Bernie Focker: You people?

Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

Greg Focker: Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.

Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

Greg Focker: Mom...

Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?

Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.

Jack Byrnes: And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.

Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

Roz Focker: Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

Jack Byrnes: [Greg is getting extremely frustrated] The Little Jack in me?

Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?

Greg Focker: Mom, stop.

Bernie Focker: Key question!

Roz Focker: My guess is no.

Jack Byrnes: Would you spare me the drugstore psychology?

Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing; the arguing stops] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

Jack: Oh, that's it! Greg just said that's it, so I feel much better now.

Robby Keough: It's a pretty unique experience.

Sam Daniels: Sorta like living with me.

Robby: Mm-hmm.

Sam: Would you go through it again?

Robby: Maybe. Now that I have the antibodies.

Gen. Donald McClintock: With all due respect, Col. Daniels, if you do not follow us to Travis Air Force Base, I will blow you out of the sky!

Sam Daniels: General, with all due respect, fuck you, sir.

Sam Daniels: [presents business card] Colonel Daniels, from USAMRIID. I'm sorry.

George: Yes, and I'm George from Sioux City, South Dakota. Back of the line, Colonel.

Sam: [to the crowd] We got a terrible epidemic. We're from Cedar Creek, George. We're from Cedar Creek, California!

Major Salt: [people stand back, including the two men George is trying to gently hold off] CEDAR CREEK, SITE OF A VIRAL INFECTION!!!

Sam: [looks worried; clasps George's hands] George, you heard about this virus — need we say more? Okay, we need all the bills of lading from ships arriving from Africa in the last three months. George!

George: [nervously] Uh-huh… huh?

Sam: Shall I cough on you, George?

Sam Daniels: Once in your life, take a chance!

Robby Keough: You know what, Sam? I did. I married you.

Sam Daniels: Sir, I sent you the fax six hours ago...

Brig. Gen. Billy Ford: Sam, I am not going to issue an alert.

Sam: I don't wanna bust up your party, sir, but you gotta issue an alert.

Ford: You said it was contained!

Sam: I said containment was probable. You should be monitoring the airports, you gotta...

Ford: Sam! Do you remember 1989?

Sam: Yeah.

Ford: [[w:Congo fever|Congo fever; [w:Nairobi|Nairobi] You found two lousy cases of ] in ] and we put a note to every American kid's lunchbox. You remember that?

Sam: Yeah, I was wrong.

Ford: You were wrong.

Sam: Uh-huh.

Ford: [[w:Lassa fever|Lassa fever] What about 1992? ]?

Sam: I was wrong. Yup.

Ford: Wrong again. But you're right about this?

Sam: No, I could be wrong about this...

Ford: Yet you waltz into my party smelling like dirty socks, snatch me away from Senator Rosales, whom I need not remind you, Sam, is head of the Senate Arms Services subcommittee which is in charge of our fucking budget.

Sam: [[w:Ebola|Ebola] Forget ]. Forget Lassa. This bug kills so fast, Billy. You could be dead in...

Ford: Keep your voice down. Now, that is exactly my point, Sam.

Sam: What?

Ford: It is the very lethality of this virus which is working for us here. These unfortunate people don't live long enough to spread the goddamn thing around. So you're right, it is contained.

Sam: I hope so.

Maj. Salt: [showing them the progression of the virus on a computer] Okay, sirs, here we go. These pictures were taken over a period of eight hours. Normal, healthy kidney cells before they met the virus. In the space of an hour, a single virus has invaded, multiplied and killed the cell. And in just two hours, its offspring have invaded cells here, and here. Continually multiplying.

Casey Schuler: Jesus Christ, five hours? It infects the cell, replicates, and kills this fast? These numbers can't be right, Ebola takes days to do this damage.

Maj. Salt: Sirs, the numbers are correct. I wish to God they weren't. One goes in, millions come out. Every cell is dead. Now we see them individually, searching for the next victim until there's nothing left to kill.

Casey Schuler: Mark this day, Salt. We could spend our whole careers waiting to see a new virus.

Maj. Salt: Sirs, Mr. Motaba, up close and personal.

Casey Schuler: I hate this bug.

Sam Daniels: Come on, Casey. You have to love its simplicity. It's one-billionth our size and it's beating us.

Casey: So, what do you wanna do — take it to dinner?

Sam: No.

Casey: What, then?

Sam: Kill it.

Sam Daniels: What're you gonna be doing at CDC?

Robby Keough: [[w:Biological hazard|BL-4] Working ]. Same as you.

Sam: My job.

Robby: Well, I like to think of it as my job.

Dick Tracy: Mumbles, do you care to go over that again?

Recorder: Rigwoydidit...rewinds...Wig woy idit...rewinds again...Big Boy did it.

Mumbles: W-w-wait!

Mumbles: 88 Keys, the piano man, set you up. Big Boy paid him to get you out of the way.

Nicholas Easter: [after anti-gun fanatic is dragged kicking and screaming from the courtroom during jury selection, even though he claims he want to be heard] Well, I guess that's lunch...

Henry Jankle: ...I was under the impression that we'd already purchased ourselves a verdict.

Wendell Rohr: Gentlemen, I have lost my footing in this trial.

Judge Harkin: I'm not sure, but I believe I'm buying lunch.

Doyle: It's a set-up. Don't do it!

Joanna Kramer: [Joanna and Ted hug] I woke up this morning, kept thinking about Billy and I-I was thinking about him waking up in his room with his little clouds all around that I painted. And I thought I should have painted clouds downtown, because then he would think that he was waking up at home. I came here to take my son home. And I realized he already is home. Oh, I love him very much. I'm not gonna take him with me. Can I go up and talk to him?...

Ted Kramer: Listen why don't you go upstairs and see him and I'll wait here.

Joanna Kramer: [wipes the tears from her eyes and pats her hair] How do I look?

Ted Kramer: You look terrific.

Ted Kramer: You're firing me?

Jim O'Connor: Yeah, I'm letting you go, yes.

Ted Kramer: Why?

Jim O'Connor: Now, look, Ted, this is a very painful thing for me. You don't know how badly I feel,. I've been getting a lot of pressure from the guys upstairs, and there wasn't anything else I could do. I thought a lot about this and it's really better this way. If I took your stripes... if I put you on a schlock account, you'd hate it, and me for doing it. This way it's a clean break. And believe me, that's the best thing.

Ted Kramer: You know my wife is fighting me for custody?. You know that we're going to court?. Do you know what my chances are if I'm out of a job?.

Jim O'Connor: Look, I understand that you're upset...

Ted Kramer: I don't want to beg, but I'm asking you, please, as a friend. Ah?... I'm asking you.

Jim O'Connor: You're an extremely bright guy. You've got a hell of a talent. You're gonna land on your feet. You're gonna survive...Teddy, look. I know you may be short on cash. No big hurry about paying this back.

Ted Kramer: Shame on you.

Ted Kramer: I don't know the legal jargon for it, but I think it's "desertion." I don't mean to tell you your job, but I think I have an open-and-shut case.

John Shaunessy: Well, at first Mr. Kramer, there's no such thing as an open-and- shut case where custody is involved. I'll bet your ex-wife has already found a lawyer who's advised her to move back to establish residency. The burden is on us to prove that your ex-wife is an unfit mother. That means I'll have to play rough. If I play rough, you can bet they will too. Can you take that?

Ted Kramer: Yes.

John Shaunessy: And it's going to cost you $15,000.

Joanna Kramer: All my life I've felt like...somebody's wife or somebody's mother, somebody's daughter. Even all the time we were together I never knew who I was. And that's why I had to go away. And in California, I think I found myself. I got myself a job. I got myself a therapist, a really good one. And I feel better about myself than I ever have in my whole life. I learned a great deal about myself.

Ted Kramer: Such as?... No, really, I'd really like to know what you learned.

Joanna Kramer: Well, I've learned that I love my little boy. And that I'm capable of taking care of him.

Ted Kramer: What do you mean?

Joanna Kramer: I want my son.

Ted Kramer: You can't have him

Joanna Kramer: Don't get defensive. Don't try to bully me.

Ted Kramer: I'm not getting defensive. Who walked out 15 months ago?

Joanna Kramer: I don't care. I'm still his mother.

Ted Kramer: Yeah, from 300 miles away. And because you sent post cards gives you the right to come back?

Joanna Kramer: I never stopped wanting him.

Ted Kramer: What makes you sure he wants you?

Joanna Kramer: What makes you sure he doesn't want me?

Ted Kramer: Okay look. We're gonna sit here and bat this back and forth. It's like old times.

Joanna Kramer: You can't deny me...

Ted Kramer: Don't tell me what I can or cannot do! Don't talk to me that way!

Joanna Kramer: I anticipated this.

Ted Kramer: Okay look, I don't want to hear this. Do what you have to. I'll do what I have to.

Joanna Kramer: Fine... I am very sorry about this.

Ted Kramer: Okay, just do what you have to do.

Billy Kramer: Daddy?

Ted Kramer: Yeah?

Billy Kramer: I'm sorry.

Ted Kramer: I'm sorry too. I want you to go to sleep because it's really late.

Billy Kramer: Daddy?

Ted Kramer: Now what is it?

Billy Kramer: Are you going away?

Ted Kramer: No. I'm staying here with you. You can't get rid of me that easy.

Billy Kramer: That's why Mommy left, isn't it? Because I was bad?

Ted Kramer: Is that what you think? No. That's not it, Billy. Your mom loves you very much... and the reason she left has nothing to do with you. I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll try to explain it to you. I think the reason why Mommy left... was because for a long time... I kept trying to make her be a certain kind of person. A certain kind of wife that I thought she was supposed to be. And she just wasn't like that. She was... She just wasn't like that. I think that she tried for so long to make me happy... and when she couldn't, she tried to talk to me about it. But I wasn't listening. I was too busy, too wrapped up... just thinking about myself. And I thought that anytime I was happy, she was happy. But I think underneath she was very sad. Mommy stayed here longer than she wanted because she loves you so much. And the reason why Mommy couldn't stay anymore... was because she couldn't stand me. She didn't leave because of you. She left because of me. Go to sleep now because it's really late, okay? Good night. Sleep tight.

Billy Kramer: Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Ted Kramer: See you in the morning light.

Billy Kramer: Daddy?

Ted Kramer: Yeah?

Billy Kramer: I love you.

Ted Kramer: I love you too.

Ted Kramer: All right, come on, put that down and eat your dinner, it's getting cold.

Billy Kramer: What is this crap?

Ted Kramer: It's Salisbury steak.

Billy Kramer: I hate it.

Ted Kramer: You do not hate it. You had it last week and you loved it.

Billy Kramer: No, I didn't.

Ted Kramer: Um-hmm!

Billy Kramer: I hate the brown stuff. It's gross.

Ted Kramer: All that is is onions and gravy.

Billy Kramer: I'm allergic to onions.

Ted Kramer: You are not allergic to onions. You had this last week, and remember, I told you it was my favorite when I was a little boy, and you said It's my favorite, too.

Billy Kramer: I did not.

Ted Kramer: Yes, you did. Here. It's regular hamburger. Just give it a little bite. It's delicious!

Ted Kramer: So what's the matter?

Billy Kramer: I think I'm gonna throw up.

Ted Kramer: No, you're not, now you're gonna eat your...

Billy Kramer: It's eee-yucky!

Ted Kramer: It is not yucky', Billy. Eat it!

Billy Kramer: Do you remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home?

Ted Kramer: [angrily, making fun of Billy's question; changes tone of voice; while Billy bring ice cream to the table; Billy eat ice cream and Ted loses his temper, gets up from the chair to snatch Billy up and cart him toward his bedroom as punishment] Yes, I did remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home, and you can't have any of it until you eat all your dinner, and then eat your meat and your corn... Where are you going? Get back here right now, did you hear me? You'd better not do that. You'd better stop right there, fella, I'm warning you. Hey! Did you hear me? Now you listen to me! Don't be smart now. You go right back and put that back until you finish your dinner so eat it... Okay, I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you're in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you dare do that. You hear me? Hey! Stop! Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, very big trouble! Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now, I'm not going to say it again. I'm not going to say it again! I am not...

Billy Kramer: [shrieking; kicks Ted] Ow! You're hurting me!

Ted Kramer: [raging madly] That's it! OW! Don't you kick me!

Billy Kramer: I hate you!

Ted Kramer: [furious; unceremoniously dumps him on the bed] Well, you're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now...

Billy Kramer: [yelling furiously] I HATE YOU!!!

Ted Kramer: [still furious, ignoring Billy's rant; storms out of the room] AND I HATE YOU BACK, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!

Billy Kramer: [crying] I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!

Ted Kramer: [coldly and bitterly; furiously slams the door] I'm all you got!

Billy Kramer: [does a tantrum] I want my mommy!

Ted Kramer: How was school today?

Billy Kramer: Same as usual.

Ted Kramer: Hey, I see the Knicks finally won a game, what do you know?

Billy Kramer: I don't care.

Ted Kramer: What do you mean?

Billy Kramer: I like Boston.

Ted Kramer: Boston? Why do you like Boston?

Billy Kramer: Because Mommy's from Boston.

Ted Kramer: Okay, sit up and try to eat. Come on.

Billy Kramer: Can I be excused? I wanna go to bed.

Ted Kramer: Too much birthday cake?

Billy Kramer: Yeah, I guess.

Ted Kramer: I'm sorry. Excuse me. Louise, give me a hand.

Louise: You're 15 minutes late. Mr. O'Connor is very upset.

Ted Kramer: This all of it?

Louise: Yes. Do you want your mail now?

Ted Kramer: No, just give me the messages. Remind me to get a Crying Chrissie doll at lunch.

Louise: Okay, okay.

Ted Kramer: Sorry I'm late.

Louise: And there's a PTA meeting at the school on Tuesday at 4.

Ted Kramer: Right, thanks. Put the chicken in the refrigerator.

Margaret Kramer: Know who Charley's seeing now?

Ted Kramer: Who?

Margaret Kramer: A divorced woman with two little girls the same age as Kim and Petey.

Ted Kramer: Are you kidding? Are you kidding?

Margaret Kramer: Nope.

Ted Kramer: How do you know?

Margaret Kramer: I know.

Ted Kramer: How long has it been since you and Charlie broke up?

Margaret Kramer: A year and a half.

Ted Kramer: That long? I did I ever tell you how sorry, how really sad Joanna and I were, when you guys split?

Margaret Kramer: [laughs] Look at that cute little boy over there.

Ted Kramer: You think you'll ever get married again?

Margaret Kramer: Uh-uh.

Ted Kramer: I mean, to anybody.

Margaret Kramer: Uh-uh!

Ted Kramer: Why?

Margaret Kramer: [sighs] I don't know, maybe it's different if you don't have children, but... even if Charley and I aren't living together, and even if we're sleeping with other people, and... even if Charley were to get married again... I don't know, he's still... my husband and he's still the father of my children and... That stuff about "till death do you part," that's really true.

Ted Kramer: Well, let me ask you this. Let's say Charley finishes his midlife crisis, and he's had it with his flings, and comes asking for forgiveness. What would you do?

Margaret Kramer: [long pause] I think...that if he really loved me...he wouldn't have let me divorce him.

Ted Kramer: You still think about him, don't you?

Margaret Kramer: [pause] Only all the time. Think about Joanna?

Ted Kramer: Never.

Margaret Kramer: [laughs] You liar!

Ted Kramer: Some pair, boy...

Billy Kramer and Phyllis Bernard: [simultaneously] Hi.

Billy Kramer: What's your name?

Phyllis Bernard: I'm Phyllis Bernard.

Billy Kramer: Who?

Phyllis Bernard: I'm a friend... uh, business associate of your father's... dad.

Ted Kramer: [In the bedroom] Oh, Jesus.

Billy Kramer: Do you like fried chicken?

Phyllis Bernard: Fried chicken? Very much.

Billy Kramer: So do I.

Phyllis Bernard: Umm... well, it's really... It's been nice seeing you and...

Billy Kramer: Bye.

Phyllis Bernard: Bye.

Phyllis Bernard: Kramer, I just met your son.

Billy Kramer: When's mommy coming back?

Ted Kramer: I don't know, Billy, soon.

Billy Kramer: How soon?

Ted Kramer: Soon.

Billy Kramer: Will she pick me up after school?

Ted Kramer: Probably. And if she doesn't I will.

Billy Kramer: What if you forget?

Ted Kramer: I won't forget.

Billy Kramer: What if you get run over by a truck and get killed?

Ted Kramer: Then Mommy will pick you up.

Ted Kramer: Margaret, I just need to know something. Did you set my wife up to this?

Margaret Phelps: No, I did not put Joanna up to this.

Ted Kramer: Give her a little pep talk, maybe?

Margaret Phelps: Joanna is a very unhappy woman and it took a lot of courage for her to walk out of here.

Ted Kramer: Really. How much courage does it take to walk out on your kid?

Ted Kramer: For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore!. Can't you understand what she's done to me?

Margaret Phelps: Yeah, She loused up one of the five best days of your life.

Ted Kramer: You're terrific. Boy, you're.... thanks very much, really. Sisterhood.

Ted Kramer: Billy has a home with me. I've made it the best I could. It's not perfect. I'm not a perfect parent. Sometimes I don't have enough patience because I forget that he's a little kid. But I'm there. We get up in the morning and then we eat breakfast, and he talks to me and then we go to school. And at night, we have dinner together and we talk then and I read to him. And, and we built a life together and we love each other. If you destroy that, it may be irreparable. Joanna, don't do that, please. Don't do it twice to him.

Ted Kramer: If I understand it correctly, what means the most here is what's best for our son. What's best for Billy. My wife used to always say to me: Why can't a woman have the same ambitions as a man? I think you're right. And maybe I've learned that much. But by the same token, I'd like to know, what law is it that says that a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? You know, I've had a lot of time to think about what it is it that makes somebody a good parent? You know, it has to do with constancy, it has to do with patience, it has to do with listening to him. It has to do with pretending to listen to him when you can't even listen anymore. It has to do with love, like, like, like she was saying. And I don't know where it's written that it says that a woman has a corner on that market, that, that a man has any less of those emotions than a woman does.

Ted Kramer: [in court] There's a lot of things I didn't understand, a lot of things I'd do different if I could. Just like I think there's a lot of things you wish you could change, but we can't. Some things once they're done can't be undone. My wife, my ex-wife, says that she loves Billy, and I believe she does, but I don't think that's the issue here.

Ted Kramer: [having lunch with his boss; touches his stomach; laughs] So the other morning, I'm at the refrigerator... you know, getting Billy ready for school. So I'm just in my underwear and he notices I've lost weight. And he comes in and pats me. He comes up to here... ... and he says "Daddy, you've really lost a lot of weight", he looks up at me and he says "And it's all gone to your nose." He was so cute. You know?

Ted Kramer: For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore! Can't you understand what she's done to me?

Carl Bernstein: [to Martin Dardis] Look, you've been jerking my chain all day. If there's some reason you can't talk to me—like the fact that you've already leaked everything to The New York Times—just say so.

Carl Bernstein: I lived here all my life, I got a million contacts, but they're all bus boys and bellhops.

Stanley Motss: Corny? He says it's corny? Of course it's corny. We wouldn't be doing the flippin thing if it wasn't corny.

Stanley Motss: King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement, gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel.

Stanley Motss: Johnny, I got a lot of people here who are a little depressed because the war just ended, please give me a new song.

Stanley Motss: That's right. During the filming of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War.

Stanley Motss: Look at that! That is a complete fucking fraud, and it looks 100% real. This is the best work I've ever done in my life - because it's so honest.

Stanley Motss: The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of principal photography.

Stanley Motss: Y'know, producing is being a Samurai warrior. They pay you, day in, day out, for years, so that, ONE DAY, when called upon, you can respond, your training at Its peak, and save the day.

Stanley Motss: This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets wacked out on Benzedrine and grappa, this is a walk in the park...

Stanley Motss: You take the fruit of 40 years - hard lessons, mistakes - and you call it wisdom.

Raymond Babbitt: Charlie Babbitt made a joke.

Raymond Babbitt: If the syrup is on the table after the pancakes, then it will definitely be too late.

Raymond Babbitt: Are you taking any prescription medication?

San Francisco Judge: It's my understanding that he has a performance on, uh... .

Lenny Bruce: Saturday.

San Francisco Judge: Saturday.

Defense Attorney: Yes, sir.

San Francisco Judge: I want to caution you right now, young man, that if I get a report that you have repeated any of this language, any of these words, you'll take the consequences. Is that clear?

Lenny Bruce: If I repeat what words? It's all right. If I repeat what words specifically, Your Honor?

San Francisco Policeman: What makes you think you've got the right to say a word like that in a public place?

Lenny Bruce: What word is that? l said a lot of words.

San Francisco Policeman: You know what word l'm talkin about. lt's against the law.

Lenny Bruce: l didn't do it, man, l just said it.

San Francisco Policeman: Yeah. lf you ever said it in front of my wife or kid, l'd punch you right out.

Lenny Bruce: l really don't want to get emotionally involved in this.

Restaurant Clerk: Your missus, she's the cutest girl I ever see. Take a fortune cookie and say hello to her. She a wonderful wife.

Lenny Bruce: We're divorced.

Restaurant Clerk: You're better off.

Lenny Bruce: Deny it. Flat out - deny it! If you really love your wife, deny it. If they got pictures, deny it.

Honey Bruce: It bugged me at first. You know, it, it hurt.

Lenny Bruce: If they walk in on you, deny it. Just say this strange chick came into the apartment shivering with a sign around her neck that said, I have malaria. Lie on top of me and keep me physically active or I'll die.

Honey Bruce: Later, I found out a lot about why he did things like that.

Lenny Bruce: And chances are, man... they'll believe it. Do you know why?

The Interviewer: To prove himself.

Honey Bruce: Needed to prove himself.

Lenny Bruce: Because they wanna believe it.

Lenny Bruce: You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!

Lenny Bruce: When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass! The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!

Lenny Bruce: [[King of Kings (1961 film)|King of Kings; [w:Hickok belt|Hickok belt] OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "]". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a ], but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie.

Lenny Bruce: Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, I know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?

Lenny Bruce: I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and I know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, I don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers. All right, I'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, I did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: We killed him, signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the last 50 years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks.

Lenny Bruce: I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. I'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a C and ends with a G. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals. I relate it to any contemporary woman I know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? It's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?

Lenny Bruce: I'm a hustler. As long as they give, I'll grab.

Lenny Bruce: I really dig what they do with homosexuals in this country, man. They put em in prison - with a lot of other men. That's really good punishment.

Lenny Bruce: There's no bigger test of how hip you really are than when your girlfriend becomes your wife.

Lenny Bruce: And it just cracks me up that we try so desperately to be unique when we're all the same cat - Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, me, you, every cat has got that one chick who really busted up his ass!

Lenny Bruce: Please! Don't take away my words! They're just words! I'm not hurting anybody!

Lenny Bruce: I am totally corrupt. I mean, really! My whole act. My whole economic success, whatever that is, is based solely on the existence of segregation, violence, despair, disease and injustice. And if, by some miracle, the whole world were suddenly tranquil, pure, I'd be standing on an unemployment line somewhere. So you see, I'm not a moralist. If I were, I'd be donating my salary to those schoolteachers. Right?

Lenny Bruce: That's where the conflict starts! We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and $500-a-night hooker.

Lenny Bruce: Are there any niggers here tonight? Can you turn on the house lights, please, and could the waiters and waitresses just stop serving, just for a second? And turn off the spot. Now what did he say? Are there any niggers here tonight? I know there's one nigger here; because, I see him back there working. Let's see. There's two niggers. And between those two niggers sits a kike. And there's another kike. That's two kikes and three niggers. And there's a spic, right? Hm? There's another spic. Ooh, there's a wop. There's a Polack. And then, oh, a couple of greaseballs. There's three lace-curtain Irish Micks. And there's one hip, thick, hunky, funky boogie. Boogie, boogie. Mm-mm. I got three kikes. Do I hear five kikes? I got five kikes. Do I hear six spics? Six spics. Do I hear seven niggers? I got seven niggers. Sold: American! I'll pass with seven niggers, six spics, five Micks, four kikes, three guineas, and one wop. You almost punched me out, didn't ya? I was trying to make a point and that is it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig. If President Kennedy would just go on television and say I'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet. And if he'd just say nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger to every nigger he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger till nigger didn't mean anything anymore! Then you'd never be able to make some six year old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger in school.

Lenny Bruce: [reading from "Time" magazine] Sick comic Lenny Bruce whose jokes about the President... Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what's sick? Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week in Las Vegas, Nevada. And school teacher salaries in that state, top salary is $6,000 a year. Now, that's really sick! And that's the kind of sick l wish they would have written about.

Lenny Bruce: I'm not anti-Christ or anti-religion, l just think it's encouraging that people are leaving the Church and going back to God.

Lenny Bruce: What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? Fuck you, mister! That's really weird, because if l wanted to hurt you, l should say, Unfuck you, mister Because fuck you is really nice, man.

Old Lodge Skins: Am I still in this world?

Jack Crabb: Yes, Grandfather.

Old Lodge Skins: [groans] I was afraid of that. Well, sometimes the magic works. Sometimes, it doesn't.

Jack Crabb: General, you go down there.

General Custer: You're advising me to go into the Coulee?

Jack Crabb: Yes, sir.

General Custer: There are no Indians there, I suppose.

Jack Crabb: [[w: Battle of Washita River|Washite River] I didn't say that. There are thousands of Indians down there. And when they get done with you, there won't be nothing left but a greasy spot. This ain't the ], General, and them ain't helpless women and children waiting for you. They're Cheyenne brave, and Sioux. You go down there if you've got the nerve.

General Custer: Still trying to outsmart me, aren't you, mule-skinner? You want me to think that you don't want me to go down there, but the subtle truth is you really don't want me to go down there!

Louise Pendrake: Well, Jack. Now you know. This is a house of ill fame. And I'm a fallen flower.

Jack Crabb: [voice-over] That widow hadn't lost her style one bit. A fallen flower. Chokes me up to think about it.

Lousie Pendrake: This life is not only wicked and sinful. It isn't even any fun.

General Custer: You came up here to kill me, didn't you? And you lost your nerve. Well, I was correct, in a sense, you are a renegade, but you are no Cheyenne Brave.

Jack Crabb: [voice-over] Custer was right. I was a total failure an injun.

General Custer: Do I hang you? I think not Get out of here.

Jack Crabb: You're not going to hang me?

General Custer: Your miserable life is not worth the reversal of a Custer decision.

Younger Bear: I have a wife. And four horses.

Jack Crabb: I have a horse . . . and four wives.

Jack Crabb: Do you hate them? Do you hate the White man now?

Old Lodge Skins: Do you see this fine thing? Do you admire the humanity of it? Because the human beings, my son, they believe everything is alive. Not only man and animals, but also water, earth, stone, and also the things from them like that hair. The man from whom this hair came, he's bald on the other side, because I now own his scalp! That is the way things are. But the white man, they believe everything is dead. Stone, earth, animals. And people! Even their own people! If things keep trying to live, white man will rub them out. That is the difference.

Old Lodge Skins: Don't worry my son, you will be back with us, I dreamed it last night. I saw you with your wives.

Jack Crabb: Wives, Grandfather?

Old Lodge Skins: [[w:Tipi|teepee] Yes, there were three . . . or four, it was hard to tell. It was very dark in your ] and they were under buffalo rugs as you crawled among them. Anyway, it was a great copulation.

Caroline Crabb: Sold your gunfighter outfit?! Turning in your gun?!

Jack Crabb: Well, sorry, Caroline.

Caroline Crabb: There ain't nothin in this world more useless than a gunfighter who can't shoot people!

Wild Bill Hickok: Never saw the gent before.

Jack Crabb: Mr, Hickcok, that man is really dead!

Wild Bill Hickok: Got him through the heart and lungs both.

Jack Crabb: What are you so nervous about?

Wild Bill Hickok: Gettin shot.

Jack Crabb: [trying to be intimidating, as a gunfighter] Might I ask who I are addressin'?

Wild Bill Hickok: I'm Wild Bill Hickok.

Jack Crabb: [suddenly docile] Well, I'm . . . I'm pleased to meet you, I'm sure.

Jack Crabb: You don't know when you're licked!

Allardyce T. Meriweather: Licked? I'm not licked. I'm tarred and feathered, that's all.

Jack Crabb: There was no describing how I felt. An enemy had saved my life by the violent murder of one of my best friends. . . . The world was too ridiculous to even bother to live in.

Jack Crabb: [to the historian; [w:Battle of the Little Bighorn|Battle of Little Big Horn; [w:George Armstrong Custer|Custer] I am, beyond a doubt, the last of the old-timers. My name is Jack Crabb, and I am the sole white survivor of the ] . . . uh, uh . . . popularly known as ]'s Last Stand.

Charles Frohman: Twenty-five seats, given to orphans. Perfect. Now my nightmare is complete.